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Vibe Completely Changed


FrankieDankie
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I really don't know what to do anymore. So I (M22) have known this girl (F22) for around 2 years now. At first it was flirting on and off with a couple of hook ups until we didn't talk for a semester followed by us rekindling and spending our (last/second senior) semester as everything but the label, being almost inseparable. However, before we both moved back home, we decided to end the romantic aspect and be friends for now while we adjusted to adult life and figured things out.

During the past summer, we texted from day to night (literally) talking to each other about our days and what we've been up to, and towards the end of the summer, it even became routine to Facetime nightly. With the way we talked and texted (and the fact that we were mutual #1's on snap), I always had the assumption that feelings were still there.

Fast forward to like two weeks ago and she has to dogsit in the town of our alma mater (she's from the town over). When a mutual female friend drove to her to go out to the bars for the weekend, she became very quiet and spotty over snapchat and text, but she was with friends so I did not blame her. Eventually for two more days even after her friends left, she was very quiet. One morning, I took a walk and did not answer her good morning texts for two hours after she sent them, resulting in her immediately asking if I was mad once I did eventually answer, which I denied yet I began to question her absence during the past whole week. A pretty heated back and forth ensued, during which we lost the heart signifying mutual #1's on snap. I asked her if she could talk later that night, and she had a whole different attitude than I've seen her have.

She pretty much told me that she doesn't have to explain herself whenever she gets quiet (which we have always done) and that she can't do a relationship right now (which I already knew and understood???) Then when I asked her if she still had feelings for me, she said "not right n...no" which I literally would've never guessed she would say. I hung up and that was the last time I called her. I've answered a couple of her texts the days following (she just kept asking how work was/acting like the talk never happened) but I stopped texting her. I snap her like 1-2 times a day, and she usually answers those within an hour which is shocking considering how cold I'm being.

I don't know what to do. As angry and frustrated as I am, my feelings for her are still so strong. I have a strong feeling that her friend that visited (who is all about partying and being single) has something to do with this. Can feelings just disappear like that? Do I stop snapchatting her? It would hurt me so much to break the streak, but if it would do anything to make her miss me. How did she not realize that friends don't just text all day and facetime nightly?

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I wouldn't try to manipulate her.

You didn't get the answer you wanted when you pressed her. I understand that's disappointing, but you can't punish someone into feeling better about you.

She already told you that she didn't want to keep up your situationship when you parted for home, and she confirmed that by pushing back on being accountable to you.

Those are your answers. If you're willing to accept the friend zone, communicate as you wish. If not, skip messaging, but I wouldn't count on that inspiring her.

Head high, and I'm sorry you've been disillusioned.

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2 hours ago, FrankieDankie said:

How did she not realize that friends don't just text all day and facetime nightly?

She realizes that. I promise you. 

But some people love having a fan-club they can fall back on in dry spells. You're that guy to her. It's not a nice place to be. You thought it meant she was still into you. She was loving your attention but probably also exploring other options. 

Whatever the case, she is making it clear that she doesn't want to romantically rekindle with you. That's all you need to know. It will hurt a lot more to try to orbit only to find out that she's dating someone else, so you would be best to stop communicating with her. She doesn't sound very mature, and doesn't have the same feelings for you that you do for her. 

3 hours ago, FrankieDankie said:

she can't do a relationship right now (which I already knew and understood???)

Then what are doing lurking in the wings and constantly communicating with her? She told you where it's at. You have to believe her and not make the mistake of thinking all this contact means she wanted something more. Too many people rely on digital flirting to boost their ego when they are not actually interested in the person. Don't get wrapped up in something like this again. If a girl doesn't want a relationship with you, don't hang around being her social media and FaceTime buddy. 

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3 hours ago, FrankieDankie said:

How did she not realize that friends don't just text all day and facetime nightly?

She does realizes that. She just frames it as it suits her. Its a common tactic for dishonest people that dont want to take resposability. She liked you being there for her. But when it came to responsability toward you, you literally meant nothing to her. Meaning that in her mind you were nobody. And that she can do whatever she wants without taking you ever into consideration. Because the moment something else maybe opened up to her, you became inconvenient. Somebody to throw away like a rag as she continues freely doing whatever she wants. Again, selfish dishonest people tend to do that.

I dunno what Snapchat is. Most that I understand that its some platform where messages dissapear when you send them and that there is some score in which you determine something(yeah, yeah, I am a boomer regarding new chatting options lol). But you should break communication with somebody like that. She sees you as nothing to her and proved that with her actions. You should also reciprocitate that back and dont give her anymore of your attention.

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7 hours ago, FrankieDankie said:

  Do I stop snapchatting her? It would hurt me so much to break the streak, 

So you're not really dating? Passive aggressive stunts like not replying to display your possessiveness don't work.

You two seem to be neither here nor there. Wasting all day long on social media chats and hearts but not really dating or friends or whatever.

Why bother with games, streaks and limbo?

She's moved on and you need to also. Figure out what you want to do in life. You're too old to do nothing but play on SC all day every day.

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I wanna emphasize the reason why I'm so stuck and shocked by her saying she doesn't have feelings is that we became BEST friends like closer than anyone I've ever met, and it was mutual. When we broke the romance off, I asked her if she was gonna see other people, to which she replied "if I can't do it with my best friend, I can't do it with anybody". Then, when we had another heated discussion earlier this summer (which also feeds into the idea I had that we were both waiting for both of us to be ready to resume things cuz I don't think you have heated arguments over text with friends or at least I haven't) and she herself said that she wasn't sneaking around or talking to anyone but me and her longtime friend. I get that she could've been lying, but why would she knowing I would just easily find out she was lying eventually.

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31 minutes ago, FrankieDankie said:

When we broke the romance off, I asked her if she was gonna see other people

 If you are broken up you are both free to date others. She is not going to put her dating life on hold for 'a friend'.  Do not stay friends with exes.

It's going to hurt tenfold if you hang on as an orbiter in the friendzone when she starts dating others. Don't kid yourself. She will. She's 22...primetime. She never told you she's entering convent.

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2 hours ago, FrankieDankie said:

I wanna emphasize the reason why I'm so stuck and shocked by her saying she doesn't have feelings is that we became BEST friends like closer than anyone I've ever met, and it was mutual. When we broke the romance off, I asked her if she was gonna see other people, to which she replied "if I can't do it with my best friend, I can't do it with anybody". Then, when we had another heated discussion earlier this summer (which also feeds into the idea I had that we were both waiting for both of us to be ready to resume things cuz I don't think you have heated arguments over text with friends or at least I haven't) and she herself said that she wasn't sneaking around or talking to anyone but me and her longtime friend. I get that she could've been lying, but why would she knowing I would just easily find out she was lying eventually.

Watch the feet not the lips -what a person does not what they say.  My eyes glazed over when I used to get the voicemails or e-mails "You are sooooooo amazing and I'm not ready for a relationship right now" I simply added "with me" and went about with my life.  You two were not in a relationship . She loved the flattering attention, you loved pretending to yourself it was like being in a relationship.  Not healthy.  She did you a favor and I'm sorry you're disappointed!

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22 hours ago, FrankieDankie said:

 but if it would do anything to make her miss me.

Once you feel the need to start playing games like this it's game over. It's childish, ineffective, and won't effect any sort of lasting change. People aren't computers, you can't just reprogram them. You might get a temporary response, a positive change in behavior but it's not like she's going to suddenly realize she's madly in love with you because you're not so available.

 

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4 hours ago, FrankieDankie said:

I don't think you have heated arguments over text with friends or at least I haven't) and she herself said that she wasn't sneaking around or talking to anyone but me and her longtime friend. I get that she could've been lying, but why would she knowing I would just easily find out she was lying eventually.

It sounds like you really got quite manipulative and out of line - to the point of creepiness.  You speak as if she owes you explanations about everything she's doing, with whom, etc.  "Sneak around"?  "Lying"?  

Friends don't behave like this with each other.  You aren't good friends and you aren't in a relationship so it's time to back off.

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You're young and making young-person mistakes in how you approach this. 

She isn't going to put herself on hold for you, despite what she says. She is free to date anyone she wants and that would not consitute her sneaking around on you. She fed you some fluffy lines before but it appears she's had a change of heart. 

Believe her when she tells you she doesn't have those feelings for you now. My guess is that she has met someone else and is now regretting making unrealistic promises to you, a guy she had already broken up with. 

I'm sorry. Don't get yourself into this position again. Learn from this and don't hang around for women who just want you as a convenient back-up for attention. 

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On 9/13/2022 at 8:50 PM, FrankieDankie said:

we decided to end the romantic aspect and be friends for now while we adjusted to adult life and figured things out.

Obviously, she was the one who suggested the romantic aspect end, and you had to go along with it. Two different relationship goals never works out.

On 9/14/2022 at 4:17 PM, FrankieDankie said:

why I'm so stuck and shocked by her saying she doesn't have feelings is that we became BEST friends like closer than anyone I've ever met, and it was mutual.

Have a bestie of the opposite gender when you're at this young stage in life, totally invested and inseparable, usually has an expiration date. Because when a person gets into a serious relationship, that opposite sex bestie usually gets shoved to the back burner, or the friendship comes to a complete end. It's just usually not conducive to the person's now primary relationship.

What you thought was mutual was a fantasy. She enjoyed the time period while she enjoyed it, and now is moving on to other enjoyable activities that don't involve you.

As for me, if I have a friend who doesn't reply to my e-mails, calls, or texts in a reasonable amount of time (for me that would be by the next day for calls or texts, and a week for e-mails), that gives me a sign that they no longer want to put in an effort for our friendship, and I let them fade away. I don't play games or call them out or get angry. Do you really want to try to regain a friendship by trying to make a person feel guilty, or playing passive-aggressive games? That doesn't work.

And when you two have never been exclusive, you're out of line for asking if she's going to date or hook up with any other men. It's none of your business. 

If a person doesn't want exactly the same things as you, move on.

If it's a gf you eventually want, you will have to end this friendship.

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She’s not interested in a relationship with you. You both weren’t an item at all and it seems to be a lot of texting and a few hookups at most. I understand you care about her but she doesn’t feel the same way or doesn’t view you that way. 

The need to Snapchat or be #1 on a streak may seem immature and I’m not sure if she is picking up on that. I’m sorry. Let this go and in future focus on person dates, less on texting and chatting via text.

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