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A kind of personal growth / advice topic on dating


Guyonajourney
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The other day I posted regarding a "situationship" and her pulling back. 

Well we spoke again and had agreed that we had to tone it down as we both were getting in to deep. I was happy to keep her as a friend for now but then on Friday I acted in a really insecure and unattractive way regarding an instagram story she had posted. I automatically assumed it was a date she was on and that's why she had started pulling back, it wasn't (it was her gay friend). I acted really out of turn, I was drunk and I think I've realised that alcohol and me dont mix well. I had no right to question it considering we weren't an "official" item. 

I took full accountability and apologised to her but she told me I clearly have deep insecurities and she has gone from thinking we are very similar people to completely different. She said my behaviour came across as controlling. She has been through a lot in her past and she has ZERO tolerance for "little boys" in her life. She told me she's lost respect for me and she was disappointed because she really cared about me and thought I was a great guy. She said do you think I'd ever allow any other friends/casual dates to treat me like that? And I do respect her stance, why should she.

It's really opened my eyes up to the fact that I probably am pretty insecure / low self esteem even though I put on a front and act fine. I am not by any means an ugly guy, I hit the gym and have a good job, my own house etc but when I get attached to someone I expect them to feel the same way I do and I think the insecurities start to surface. I've also realised that I tend to speak before I think, I give unwanted, un-invited opinions which are meant with no malice or bad intentions but can cause offence or come across controlling.  What's strange is, I never felt insecure ONCE during the time I was casually dating her, we both agreed from the start we weren't in it for something serious at this time, I still had other girls trying to message me too and I didn't feel guilty (I was enjoying the single life) but when she initially started pulling away due to a comment I made the week before (was intended as a joke but she took offence, although we spoke about it and resolved). I definitely realise that I had fallen for her, I'll admit it. I NEVER expected it. 2 months of talking every day, meeting up and sleeping together. It hit me like a truck. I think the sexual connection we had really sucked me in. I've had a few sexual partners in the past and never experienced anything like this. But also her drive and ambition really stroke a chord within me. 

I think the other problem is; I'm not that long out a 4 year relationship. Perhaps I've not processed it properly, I've not focussed on myself enough. 

She told me she really appreciated me taking accountability for it and that she's glad we had the chat but she "doesn't want to go back to how things were, meeting, talking everyday and sleeping with each other" Things went too fast and she "got a fright". She has too much to focus on with work and has no time for it. She did tell me she was "obviously still very angry with me" and that she was "sounding like a ***" but I told her she had every right to be. She said we can be civil and keep in touch now and then, which obviously wont happen. I know deep down I've properly messed this up and I really want to work on my internal issues and maybe reach out to her a few months from now if she's still available? I think the fact that she was still angry didn't help and I probably should have just apologised and left it there rather than trying to "fix" what we had. 

I told her that she'll always have my respect and if she ever wants to talk, she can. 

I honestly don't even know what this post is for to be honest, I just feel pretty crappy. I'm struggling to mentally come to terms with the fact that I clearly caught feelings and in no way did I expect to. I actually feel worse now than I did after my 4 year relationship..... that's pretty weird. 

Really looking for tips /  advice on how to be happy alone and putting myself first. I get too overly invested in people and always end up hurt. 

 

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Delete and block. Don't get drunk and peruse through your phone or worse post/ message drunken rubbish. This is ALL in your control. When something that never was anything is over delete and block.

You realize if you keep doing this nonsense, she can take it to the police as evidence of stalking and harassment. Delete. block. stop it. it's that simple.

 

 

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11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Delete and block. Don't get drunk and peruse through your phone or worse post/ message drunken rubbish. This is ALL in your control. When something that never was anything is over delete and block.

You realize if you keep doing this nonsense, she can take it to the police as evidence of stalking and harassment. Delete. block. stop it. it's that simple.

 

 

Yeah you're right. 

We had been speaking that day before I was drinking and things were fine so it wasn't like I was stalking or whatever but going forward I agree. Need to resist the urge to reach out. 

She still has me on all of her "close friends" on social media which is weird. 

I feel like its rude to block her as she hasn't done anything wrong though

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I'm sorry you're struggling.  What you are describing is a typical downside of casual sex.  You can dress it up in fancy labels that you can post on social media but common sense -if you have a sexual arrangement with another person as you did it can work beautifully as long as both people want that arrangement -to meet up to hook up/have intercourse when they feel in the mood to do so and enjoy being together physically and sexually.  

You don't catch feelings - it's not like catching covid - you chose to have sex with her, you then chose to react to the emotions that you felt by denying them and telling yourself you were ok with a sexual arrangement.  But you weren't.  She was.  At that point of imbalance it's on you to choose whether you accept what it is -a casual sex arrangement -or whether you realize you cannot handle that arrangement and want to properly date her.  Instead you chose to get drunk and have the equivalent of a temper tantrum.  She's right to back off -and she'd be entitled to give you another chance- both are her choice and you're right to back off.

It is irrelevant whether you are fit and have a good job.  Irrelevant whether there are people out there you are comfortable having sex with and walking away, others you want to date, etc.  It's good you take care of yourself and in this arrangement you chose to prioritize sex over taking care of your emotional well being.  For example in 2003 - I had a fabulous career, I was very fit and cute apparently and I had the opportunity to continue to see my ex to hook up.

I'd been pretty over the moon about him -he didn't feel the same, he ended things but continued to be in touch and it became clear when I saw him that he was up for an occasional hook up.  I hooked up with him one time after that, realized it was enjoyable but bad for me emotionally and inconsistent with my relationship goals - and I chose  to stop seeing him.  It's a benefit/risk balance.  You made a different choice and this was the consequence. Now you know  you can get attached through casual sex so choose differently next time now that you know. IMHO.  I hope you feel better!

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4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you're struggling.  What you are describing is a typical downside of casual sex.  You can dress it up in fancy labels that you can post on social media but common sense -if you have a sexual arrangement with another person as you did it can work beautifully as long as both people want that arrangement -to meet up to hook up/have intercourse when they feel in the mood to do so and enjoy being together physically and sexually.  

You don't catch feelings - it's not like catching covid - you chose to have sex with her, you then chose to react to the emotions that you felt by denying them and telling yourself you were ok with a sexual arrangement.  But you weren't.  She was.  At that point of imbalance it's on you to choose whether you accept what it is -a casual sex arrangement -or whether you realize you cannot handle that arrangement and want to properly date her.  Instead you chose to get drunk and have the equivalent of a temper tantrum.  She's right to back off -and she'd be entitled to give you another chance- both are her choice and you're right to back off.

It is irrelevant whether you are fit and have a good job.  Irrelevant whether there are people out there you are comfortable having sex with and walking away, others you want to date, etc.  It's good you take care of yourself and in this arrangement you chose to prioritize sex over taking care of your emotional well being.  For example in 2003 - I had a fabulous career, I was very fit and cute apparently and I had the opportunity to continue to see my ex to hook up.

I'd been pretty over the moon about him -he didn't feel the same, he ended things but continued to be in touch and it became clear when I saw him that he was up for an occasional hook up.  I hooked up with him one time after that, realized it was enjoyable but bad for me emotionally and inconsistent with my relationship goals - and I chose  to stop seeing him.  It's a benefit/risk balance.  You made a different choice and this was the consequence. Now you know  you can get attached through casual sex so choose differently next time now that you know. IMHO.  I hope you feel better!

Appreciate the reply. 

Its interesting as at the start I was telling my best friend that it was purely sex etc but jeez it creeped up on me.

I think when I stayed over at hers and met her brother it kind of hit me that IT WAS more serious. Especially staying over night and waking up in the morning, its quite intimate for something "casual". 

She may give me another chance but who knows. I won't hold onto that. 

Its my own doing and I will learn from it and better myself.

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Not everyone is cut out for casual sex, and that's perfectly okay. 

Next time, don't get involved in these situations. You know it's hard for you not to get attached (and that's true for many people), so you are best to avoid it. 

31 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

staying over night and waking up in the morning, its quite intimate for something "casual". 

Eh, not for everyone. I'm not single, but back in those days, I occasionally stayed over at FWB's house. Or he stayed over at mine. It wasn't a sign of deeper intimacy for me, anyway (and I don't think it was for him either) It was convenient to just crash for the night, more than anything else. 

Regardless, don't try to be her friend after this. It will be too awkward and it will hurt when she starts dating someone else. And stay away from casual sex if you're not dating the woman. You've discovered it's not really for you. 

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2 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

I automatically assumed it was a date she was on and that's why she had started pulling back, it wasn't (it was her gay friend).

And you bought that?

That is why you dont stay friends with people you dated/FWB, even with friendzoned situations. Because ofcourse they would move on dating somebody else and you dont want to see that. Your reaction was over the top and you shouldnt even do anything, Not because of her, but because of yourself. So yes, block her on social media. If you are bothered, just do that.

Also I dont really see anything bad in the fact that you liked somebody. Its an issue if you catch feelings for every girl you date. But if its every now and then, its normal. What is important is that you move on now. Hsng out with frends more. Go to gym. Do anything else you like. In time you will fotget about her and see how silly it was to be worked out over it. 

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1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

And you bought that?

That is why you dont stay friends with people you dated/FWB, even with friendzoned situations. Because ofcourse they would move on dating somebody else and you dont want to see that. Your reaction was over the top and you shouldnt even do anything, Not because of her, but because of yourself. So yes, block her on social media. If you are bothered, just do that.

Also I dont really see anything bad in the fact that you liked somebody. Its an issue if you catch feelings for every girl you date. But if its every now and then, its normal. What is important is that you move on now. Hsng out with frends more. Go to gym. Do anything else you like. In time you will fotget about her and see how silly it was to be worked out over it. 

I didn't need to "buy it". Later the next day she posted more pics and tagged him, 100% was her gay friend as I know him.

Yeah I know. I've been through this before. Just strange as I never expected to feel like this. 

Thanks for the words!

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3 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

The other day I posted regarding a "situationship" and her pulling back. 

Well we spoke again and had agreed that we had to tone it down as we both were getting in to deep. I was happy to keep her as a friend for now but then on Friday I acted in a really insecure and unattractive way regarding an instagram story she had posted. I automatically assumed it was a date she was on and that's why she had started pulling back, it wasn't (it was her gay friend). I acted really out of turn, I was drunk and I think I've realised that alcohol and me dont mix well. I had no right to question it considering we weren't an "official" item. 

I took full accountability and apologised to her but she told me I clearly have deep insecurities and she has gone from thinking we are very similar people to completely different. She said my behaviour came across as controlling. She has been through a lot in her past and she has ZERO tolerance for "little boys" in her life. She told me she's lost respect for me and she was disappointed because she really cared about me and thought I was a great guy. She said do you think I'd ever allow any other friends/casual dates to treat me like that? And I do respect her stance, why should she.

It's really opened my eyes up to the fact that I probably am pretty insecure / low self esteem even though I put on a front and act fine. I am not by any means an ugly guy, I hit the gym and have a good job, my own house etc but when I get attached to someone I expect them to feel the same way I do and I think the insecurities start to surface. I've also realised that I tend to speak before I think, I give unwanted, un-invited opinions which are meant with no malice or bad intentions but can cause offence or come across controlling.  What's strange is, I never felt insecure ONCE during the time I was casually dating her, we both agreed from the start we weren't in it for something serious at this time, I still had other girls trying to message me too and I didn't feel guilty (I was enjoying the single life) but when she initially started pulling away due to a comment I made the week before (was intended as a joke but she took offence, although we spoke about it and resolved). I definitely realise that I had fallen for her, I'll admit it. I NEVER expected it. 2 months of talking every day, meeting up and sleeping together. It hit me like a truck. I think the sexual connection we had really sucked me in. I've had a few sexual partners in the past and never experienced anything like this. But also her drive and ambition really stroke a chord within me. 

I think the other problem is; I'm not that long out a 4 year relationship. Perhaps I've not processed it properly, I've not focussed on myself enough. 

She told me she really appreciated me taking accountability for it and that she's glad we had the chat but she "doesn't want to go back to how things were, meeting, talking everyday and sleeping with each other" Things went too fast and she "got a fright". She has too much to focus on with work and has no time for it. She did tell me she was "obviously still very angry with me" and that she was "sounding like a ***" but I told her she had every right to be. She said we can be civil and keep in touch now and then, which obviously wont happen. I know deep down I've properly messed this up and I really want to work on my internal issues and maybe reach out to her a few months from now if she's still available? I think the fact that she was still angry didn't help and I probably should have just apologised and left it there rather than trying to "fix" what we had. 

I told her that she'll always have my respect and if she ever wants to talk, she can. 

I honestly don't even know what this post is for to be honest, I just feel pretty crappy. I'm struggling to mentally come to terms with the fact that I clearly caught feelings and in no way did I expect to. I actually feel worse now than I did after my 4 year relationship..... that's pretty weird. 

Really looking for tips /  advice on how to be happy alone and putting myself first. I get too overly invested in people and always end up hurt. 

 

In future, just avoid commenting on someone’s love life or personal life where it doesn’t concern you. I see you’re still holding out hope that she has time for you one day but I don’t think you’re a match together. Stay focused on the things you want to get done and mute her contact if you don’t feel comfortable blocking. The messages may come in but you don’t receive notifications. If you’re the type to keep checking your phone then block her entirely. 

This is much more about knowing your limits and putting the brakes on something that isn’t working out. Have better boundaries. You’ll feel sad in the next week or so but that sadness will lift. By the end of two weeks you’ll be gaining momentum and feeling lighter. Move on and know when to cut your losses. Give yourself a chance to date someone else without all this white noise later on. 

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42 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

In future, just avoid commenting on someone’s love life or personal life where it doesn’t concern you. I see you’re still holding out hope that she has time for you one day but I don’t think you’re a match together. Stay focused on the things you want to get done and mute her contact if you don’t feel comfortable blocking. The messages may come in but you don’t receive notifications. If you’re the type to keep checking your phone then block her entirely. 

This is much more about knowing your limits and putting the brakes on something that isn’t working out. Have better boundaries. You’ll feel sad in the next week or so but that sadness will lift. By the end of two weeks you’ll be gaining momentum and feeling lighter. Move on and know when to cut your losses. Give yourself a chance to date someone else without all this white noise later on. 

Yeah I've muted things. I do believe we're a good match in terms of personalities etc, I wont get into details but the conversations we had would prove that. She was extremely into me until I messed up. BUT we aren't a good match at this current time, she doesn't want something serious/can't see it yet whereas I've caught feelings and in the future would want something serious. 

Bad timing. I should've waited longer before casually dating/meeting people after a long relationship. Probably have attachment issues whereas she is the polar opposite. Extremely independent, hasn't dated or even given her number out in over a year. "I don't need no man" type.

I will move on and past this though, it was only a couple of months. It is what it is. 

You live and learn from your mistakes.

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I don't think you have any mysterious insecurity issues.  You liked this girl and that's ok.  If anything, you denied it and tried to be the cool guy stuffing your budding feelings for her.  It bubbled out in an inappropriate way.  But that just makes you human.

Take this lesson with you and know that it's possible you may not be able to in a casual hookup situation.  At least be able admit to yourself when you're catching feelings and decide how you want to handle it before it goes sideways.

 

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21 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

I don't think you have any mysterious insecurity issues.  You liked this girl and that's ok.  If anything, you denied it and tried to be the cool guy stuffing your budding feelings for her.  It bubbled out at in an inappropriate way.  But that just makes you human.

Take this lesson with you and know that it's possible you may not be able to in a casual hookup situation.  At least be able admit to yourself when you're catching feelings and decide how you want to handle it before it goes sideways.

 

Yeah you hit the nail on the head to be honest. 

I tried from the very start to be the macho man with no feelings. I was completely wrong. Soon as she pulled away I felt it surface. I got jealous and acted out all because I had feelings for her. 

She wont see it in that way though. 

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37 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

She wont see it in that way though.

Because what you said and how you felt didn't line up. And when you lashed out it became obvious to her. 

But life is full of lessons. Now you know when you meet an attractive woman with whom you share common ground you can't get involved without becoming emotionally attached. You'll soon enough meet women who share this trait with you. It'll be fine.

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1 hour ago, Guyonajourney said:

Probably have attachment issues whereas she is the polar opposite. Extremely independent, hasn't dated or even given her number out in over a year. "I don't need no man" type.

No need to go down the route of analysis of her.  You two ended up wanting different things -doesn't mean anything to do with labels or psychoanalysis of "type"  and doesn't mean you're opposites -  many people who live independent lifestyles also love being in serious committed relationships or seeking one out - and women who "need" a man often end up in unhealthy relationships.  

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2 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

She was extremely into me until I messed up. BUT we aren't a good match at this current time, she doesn't want something serious/can't see it yet

If she were extremely into you, there is no way she would have let you go. 

 

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12 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

I don't think you have any mysterious insecurity issues.  You liked this girl and that's ok.  If anything, you denied it and tried to be the cool guy stuffing your budding feelings for her.  It bubbled out in an inappropriate way.  But that just makes you human.

Take this lesson with you and know that it's possible you may not be able to in a casual hookup situation.  At least be able admit to yourself when you're catching feelings and decide how you want to handle it before it goes sideways.

 

I agree. Most people do mature away from FWBs at some point. They're fun and games in theory, but it's the opposite of 'wrong' to discover that you know yourself well enough to know that pretending to not care is hardly Self Care.

It's messy kid stuff.

Lean into your grief, as it's not something we can pretend ourselves out of. In your case it might be compounded by not having yet regained your footing after your last breakup.

Be kind to yourself. Allow for some occasional boo-hoos with a tissue box, then distract yourself with something rewarding or something you can become curious about exploring.

The goal is to give yourself a break for being vulnerable and fallible even while you avoid drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of.

Tricky balance, and the fastest way I've found to 'normalize' when I'm at my most tender is to make commitments that I will not break with family and friends. Simple stuff, like helping with yard work or errands or cooking or whatever. The fact that I don't feel up to being 'on' makes me a better listener. I make the time about them, not me. Yet I relax into a gratitude for these people who I've neglected during my preoccupation with ex.

You can't think your way healthy--you have to go experience it.

Head high, you can do this.

 

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6 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I agree. Most people do mature away from FWBs at some point. They're fun and games in theory, but it's the opposite of 'wrong' to discover that you know yourself well enough to know that pretending to not care is hardly Self Care.

It's messy kid stuff.

Lean into your grief, as it's not something we can pretend ourselves out of. In your case it might be compounded by not having yet regained your footing after your last breakup.

Be kind to yourself. Allow for some occasional boo-hoos with a tissue box, then distract yourself with something rewarding or something you can become curious about exploring.

The goal is to give yourself a break for being vulnerable and fallible even while you avoid drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of.

Tricky balance, and the fastest way I've found to 'normalize' when I'm at my most tender is to make commitments that I will not break with family and friends. Simple stuff, like helping with yard work or errands or cooking or whatever. The fact that I don't feel up to being 'on' makes me a better listener. I make the time about them, not me. Yet I relax into a gratitude for these people who I've neglected during my preoccupation with ex.

You can't think your way healthy--you have to go experience it.

Head high, you can do this.

 

thank you for the kind words!

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14 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

 Why play these silly games.

Because you won't block her and are playing along.

When you're ready, you'll be able to move forward and date women without all the games.

Until then you'll be in this nowhere land where you're not having sex, not dating anyone and wasting your time drunk texting and deciphering tiktok crap.

How ironic that you two are playing immature games but you think blocking is immature.

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People say blocking is "immature", "harsh" or "unnecessary" because they want to keep the lines of communication open in case the other person suddenly sends a message that says "OMG, I made a terrible mistake, I realize I really do love you! Please take me back!". If they block, this "hope" is gone and they don't want to give up on their hope.

It's like that old song "The last song I'll ever write for you". They guy leaves his front room light on for three years waiting for his ex to come back. But  after three years he finally realizes she isn't coming back so he turns off the light. His electric bill must have been immense lol. 

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6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

His electric bill must have been immense lol. 

Maybe he used one of those power-saving light bulbs. They are pretty good. 😁

12 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

Sure it might have been an accident, but twice? Why play these silly games.

Attention. With commitment issues and that kind of attention seeking, I have to ask: Is she a bit on narcissoistic side? Too full of herself? Has delusions of grandiour? That kind of things?

It reminds me on one person I encountered. Downright to ambitious streak. And if its like that, no wonder she cant commit to anything more serious then FWB.

Anyway, yes, good news is that you dont have to entertain that anymore and you can block her. You probably wont but know that there is always an option to not entertain her and give her attention. It would make "moving on" part much easier.

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16 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Maybe he used one of those power-saving light bulbs. They are pretty good. 😁

Attention. With commitment issues and that kind of attention seeking, I have to ask: Is she a bit on narcissoistic side? Too full of herself? Has delusions of grandiour? That kind of things?

It reminds me on one person I encountered. Downright to ambitious streak. And if its like that, no wonder she cant commit to anything more serious then FWB.

Anyway, yes, good news is that you dont have to entertain that anymore and you can block her. You probably wont but know that there is always an option to not entertain her and give her attention. It would make "moving on" part much easier.

I wouldnt say she was a narcissist at all, shes very humble, doesnt brag or show off even though shes very high up in her career for her age and earns alot. She just go hurt badly, she told me at the very start that she had "just gotten over the PTSD" from previous relationships but something tells me she hasnt and thats why she cut me off so quickly.

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