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Did she cheat or am I overreacting?


Mike6775
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I’m trying to get my ex back after I cheated and lied to her, I was a pretty ***ty boyfriend and she still hasn’t forgiven me. We’ve been hanging out and spending time together for a few months, I want us to get back together but she hasn’t got over over my past mistakes. I’ve been staying at her place for a few days to help her with some stuff around her apartment and we’ve been having fun together. Last night she went out with some friends and I got worried cause she stayed out all night, I kept calling and telling her to come home, she ignored me for most of the night but assured me nothing would happen. A few hours later, when she got home I found out she had kissed some guy. Did she cheat? I’m embarrassed to admit I reacted in the worst way possible and got very mad at her. I’m not sure if I overreacted or not.

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2 hours ago, Mike6775 said:

Did she cheat?

No. She is not your girlfriend, so she can do whatever she wants. You also had zero right to call her and tell her to come home. 

2 hours ago, Mike6775 said:

I’m not sure if I overreacted or not

Yes, and you made yourself look like the biggest hypocrite in the world as well. 

It's time to move on. She clearly isn't that into you anymore and you're just keeping her company until she finds the next guy she wants to date. You made your bed here, Mike. You have to let her go now. 

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3 hours ago, Mike6775 said:

I’m trying to get my ex back after I cheated and lied to her, I was a pretty ***ty boyfriend and she still hasn’t forgiven me. We’ve been hanging out and spending time together for a few months, I want us to get back together but she hasn’t got over over my past mistakes. I’ve been staying at her place for a few days to help her with some stuff around her apartment and we’ve been having fun together. Last night she went out with some friends and I got worried cause she stayed out all night, I kept calling and telling her to come home, she ignored me for most of the night but assured me nothing would happen. A few hours later, when she got home I found out she had kissed some guy. Did she cheat? I’m embarrassed to admit I reacted in the worst way possible and got very mad at her. I’m not sure if I overreacted or not.

This is long over. Staying and hanging around “helping” each other is only going to hurt the both of you more. Try not to kid yourself too about staying over to keep watch of her every move. Learn from your mistakes and don’t cheat again in your next relationship. 

What’s the goal here? Is it to be with someone you love and trust or to keep fighting and bickering about cheating on both sides? Why live your one life like this? What good is any of this to both of you?

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What does "having fun together" part means? Are you having sex or you are just helping around appartment while she goes around kissing other dudes?

Technically you are not together so she can go kiss other guys so it wont constitute as cheating. In a reality, you are entitled to just move on from somebody who does stuff like that. From somebody who is probably just as bad as you are regarding having a boundaries in a relationship. So you are kinda perfect for each other as you both have poor boundaries lol

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You're not her parent and you're not her partner either (even if you were you don't call someone several times to come home unless it's an emergency -I'm married and when my husband goes out I never ever text him -it is his time to be out - unless it's a true emergency and not since our son was very young and there were reasons for him to be home by a certain time).   

Otherwise - you are behaving inappropriately by choosing to hang out at your ex's home and hook up -she needs help with stuff? She can ask a friend or hire someone.  She is free to do whatever she wants in her personal life including date/try to date/flirt/have sex/kiss other people.  Just like you are. So if you don't want it in your face, stop being in her face.

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You are both exhibiting very poor boundaries with each other, hence what’s leading to your confusion. You’re trying to fix a situation where trust is lost yet staying together while neither one of you wants to make an effort to repair it. It’s a lost cause for which neither one of you has the strength to walk away from. You should be the one who takes the initiative to end it.

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Well you cheated first, so you broke up. Now you're just "hanging out", you are not together. So in technical terms she didn't cheat. But I think she's either trying to get back at you or she's not really interested in actually getting back together. Because she's going out and meeting other guys.

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9 hours ago, Mike6775 said:

I want us to get back together but she hasn’t got over over my past mistakes.

Cheating isn't a "mistake", it's a choice.  You chose to cheat.

9 hours ago, Mike6775 said:

Did she cheat? I’m embarrassed to admit I reacted in the worst way possible and got very mad at her. I’m not sure if I overreacted or not.

This is hypocritical.  When you were in an actual relationship with her you chose to cheat.  But you're not even together and you're acting like He Man, No One Touch MY Woman?  

No, she did not cheat.  You can be as mad as you want but that doesn't mean you're right.

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No she didn't cheat and yes you overreacted.

You are not a couple and you made your chances of getting her back drop from 30 % to about 5%.

  Think about how you felt sitting there while she was out and then multiply that by 10.  That is how hurt she was over the way you treated her and cheating on her.

Leave her alone so she can heal from your lies and betrayal and figure out why you are the way you are.

Lost

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No she did not.

Was YOUR choice to continue hanging out.

You two are not involved?  Then YOU need to back off with ANY expectations.

How about you go home and just leave her be now?  She has NOT agreed to being involved with you again.. This is now for YOU to work on accepting.

You did what you did, now you lie in your bed.....

Respect her and leave her alone to deal with her own choices.

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How did you find out she kissed a guy. Did she tell you?

Sounds as though she's happy to use your services until she finds another BF.

This isn't the way to win her back.

I'd tell her that she knows how to reach me if she ever wants to reconcile our relationship, but short of that, I'd reach for my best dignity and wish her the best as I headed out the door.

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On 9/10/2022 at 11:17 PM, Mike6775 said:

I’m trying to get my ex back after I cheated and lied to her, I was a pretty ***ty boyfriend and she still hasn’t forgiven me. We’ve been hanging out and spending time together for a few months, I want us to get back together but she hasn’t got over over my past mistakes. I’ve been staying at her place for a few days to help her with some stuff around her apartment and we’ve been having fun together. Last night she went out with some friends and I got worried cause she stayed out all night, I kept calling and telling her to come home, she ignored me for most of the night but assured me nothing would happen. A few hours later, when she got home I found out she had kissed some guy. Did she cheat? I’m embarrassed to admit I reacted in the worst way possible and got very mad at her. I’m not sure if I overreacted or not.

I'll reiterate what others have said here.  No, she did not cheat because she is your ex.  She is not your current girlfriend anymore. 

Don't try to get back with your ex after cheating and lying to her.  I don't blame her for refusing to forgive you.  I would feel the same way.  Granted, my story is not the same as yours but for me, lying means the relationship is dead.  It's a done deal.  Finished.  Finito. 

Once anyone lies to me (or committed other major offenses), I've lost complete faith, previous admiration and respect for them.  Deception and betrayal are unforgivable offenses, too.  I will even go so far as to say my former love for them is dead.  I'm not only extremely disrespected,  I'm very disappointed in them because I originally held them to a higher standard much to my folly.  Actions and words cannot be taken back once they've been dished out.  People will NEVER forget how you made them feel.

Most of all, I don't trust them anymore.  I fear getting hurt again and my human instincts have taught me how to prevent from being disrespected again by permanently eliminating perpetrators out of my life.  I vow:  "No more.  This is it."  This way, there is a permanent guarantee that I won't ever be harmed again.  There will never be another opportunity to make myself vulnerable to disgusting behavior.  I feel safer and protected in my deliberate safe haven bubble which I've created for myself.  It's called enforced healthy boundaries. 

Yes, you overreacted.  Since she is your ex,  both of you can't "be friends."  Drift apart, fade away and one of these days, block and delete her.  There is no more "us." 

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