Don't know if I should move on, or try to make it work

[nitepanther1987]

I have a major problem. I met this girl online about a year and half ago online. She seemed really nice and everything, but there were times when she was really mean to me and would yell at me, call me an idiot and be a really big ***** to me. On top of that I later found out that she had a really bad history: that she was physically abused as a child by her relatives, she had been raped, she had been heavy into drugs for years, all of her previous bf were @$$holes and abusive, and that she had a very sexual past (including having sex with random strangers) and to top it all off she told me that she was a nazi (her family moved here from germany when she was 6, and I guess those beliefs were forced on here).

 

Needless to say I was freaked because I never done drugs, I was raised in a great loving family, and I was totally opposed to her opinions and her lifestyle and everything. But here is the problem, after a few months of not talking to her I thought about the plans we had made before I knew of all that stuff. How we wanted to move in together (me being 18, and shes 20 btw). And I also started considering that maybe I could help her, or not be an @$$hole like people she used to know.

 

So stupid me I send her an email on Sunday and she replies back telling me that she has a bf now and had moved on but she still loved me, and she felt weird dating someone who was 35. She then wrote back a few hours later saying she had told him that what would really make her happy was to be with me, and then she told me that she would promise to change and apologized for being so mean to me, and that she had quit drugs long before we met and wasnt a nazi anymore and was willing to change whatever she had to so we could make it work.

 

I feel so confused now because I do not know if I am taking a step back in life or not. In one instance, I could be helping her and I felt really bad especially when she said that she just wanted things to go back to the way they were and she'd give anything to just be able to lay down next to me at night and know that I'm there. But I don't know if she is lying about wanting to change because psychologically it seems hard for anyone to change their outlook on life, especially if the had so many problems going from when they were born to age 19.

 

See a part of me wants to I guess "rescue" her and be the hero, but I don't know if it just BS. I'm so confused because I know what I want, and she gives me the things that make me happy, but then again maybe I should find someone else so I dont have to worry about her. But then again is it right for me to judge her based on her past and should I try to help her change, or should I leave after telling her I missed her and find someone who isnt as messed up?

[witchdoctor]

if this girl is being mean to you she obviously has some major problems in her life!!!!!! ex. being abused raped etc...... she has no interest in you and it probably wont work. if you really do think that it can work try to convince her to talk to a pshchiatrist about her problems, then talk later.

[hearo97]

You can never "fix" or "rescue" anyone. As much as you may want to. This sort of relationship will only cause you personal pain and damage your own mind, heart and soul. It is toxic.

 

If you love her, explain to her that you feel she needs to spend some time alone and get some counciling to deal with all of her past issuses. After she's spent time with that (at least 6 to 9 months) then you can work on starting something up again. In the meantime, wish her well and move on.

[RayKay]

No No No No No NO NO NO

 

 

NEVER EVER play the knight in shining armour to rescue the damsel in distress. Honestly damsels in distress LIKE being that way until they finally recognize on their own they need to change for THEMSELVES. As said above, these relationships are toxic and will destroy you in the process.

 

Many people have had terrible pasts, and they need friends, but they do NOT need people who sacrifice themselves to "rescue them". Guess what, even if she was messed up, she chooses to sleep with these strangers, and date the older man, and live the lifestyle she does. I know people who have been abused and certainly don't make these choices as they have chosen to NOT be a victim any longer and made changes for themselves. They saved themselves.

 

She is poisonous - do not bring heavy drug use and verbal abuse into your life. Don't excuse these things because of her past. Give her some numbers to help lines and drug counselling and leave it at that, encourage her to get help but DO NOT PROMISE TO BE THE ONE TO HELP HER. The only way she will change is to do it herself. Otherwise I promise you will be playing the "knight" for a long time, and get very hurt in the process.

 

Don't start something because you had "made plans" before. That is silly. You know her true colours now and there is no way you should live with them right now. She needs to help herself before you should ever even entertain idea of a romantic relationship.