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single and lost


Drainedemotion
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wasn't sure what topic to put this under.  I'm not really interested in dating right now.  i'm newly a single mom of 3 kids. i'm used to being withsomeone all the time.  how do i get used to being single again?  I try to keep busy, but always find myself wanting to text my ex boyfriend or wondering what he's doing.  our relationship was not healthy and i know its the right decision.   however i'm feelilng gui9lty too because he was living with me, and has bought a lot of stuff for my house (without me asking him to - and i tried paying for the things when he bought them, and he wouldn't let me).  so i'm not sure how to deal with that either. :( :( 😞 i just want to feel normal again and be happy.  

 

Thank you

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You are "with someone" if you have three kids, so you're not "alone".  Lucky you.

Reconnect with family and friends.  If all of your friends are your ex's friends, reconnect with those you abandoned to accommodate him.  Be honest about your situation.  Just about everyone has been through a breakup so trust me, they'll understand.

What are your interests?  Pursue those. If you're into art, music, cooking, sports, etc., do things to get active in those areas.  Also, there are a lot of things to do with kids.  Connect with mother/kids groups and attend events.  You AND your kids will benefit.

As for his purchases, box them up or wrap them in plastic and set a time for him to retrieve them.  If he says he doesn't want them, offer him a fair price and purchase them from him.

Finally, store your ex's number in your phone as "NO DON'T".  It'll remind you that texting him "to say 'hi'" or to "see how he's doing" is a really, really bad idea.  Unfriend and unfollow him and his friends and family from contact methods and social media apps.  Don't ask anyone who knows him what he's doing.  Those things make your psyche believe you're still in the relationship, so they have to stop.  It's irrelevant if his family really liked you or if you believe you're "close" to any of them.  The connection has to be severed.

Finally, be kind to yourself.  It's ok to have these feelings.  Acting on them would not be in your best interest, so just remind yourself of that.  You'll get through just fine.

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thank you for the suggestions...i appreciate it.  my kids are at their dads 20% of the time, so sometimes i am alone 😞   they come back later today. 

the purchases aren't necessarily things i can just box up... one was an upright freezer, and another was a dishwasher... and he also paid for a furnace last year.... we've been together for over 2 years so its not easy.... i can offer to pay him back i suppose?  

he put me through a lot though.... idk if you've seen any of my previous posts...

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Transition is always hard .. but it can be done! 🙂 

Many of us have done it..so can you.

You just need to keep strong in NOT reaching out, but get up & go do something else.. You need to find yourself again 😉 .

Get out for some air,, take kids to a park.  Reach out to friends more now.  Get a hobby, crafts.. get lost in your shows/music etc.  I follow a few streams on Youtube  ( my son introduced me to, lol) 

Journaling is also helpful - to 'get it all out' in a different way.  It is helpful because you're saying all you want & feel, on paper or wordpad and NOT to your ex!

So, it's gonna be a bit of a challenge for a little bit, but you will manage.

As for all this stuff he bought.. heck, if he said no worries, then leave it at that!

Focus on YOU now and your kids ❤️ .

 

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1 hour ago, Drainedemotion said:

 i'm feelilng gui9lty too because he was living with me, and has bought a lot of stuff for my house (without me asking him to - and i tried paying for the things when he bought them, and he wouldn't let me)

It's great you kicked him out. He was not the father of your children, so there is no need for contact. Do not let anyone who put you in the hospital back into your home or children's lives.

When someone buys things for you they are gifts. Do Not return them. Also legally, purchases he makes for a home he is living in are yours. Do not use this as an excuse to contact him and risk getting beaten up again.

Stay busy. Get a fun part-time job. Take some classes and courses. Join some groups and clubs. Reconnect with people you were isolated from because of the abuse. 

Take a deep breath and relax. It will take a while to decompress from the chaos and drama, therapy will help.

 

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2 hours ago, Drainedemotion said:

he put me through a lot though.... idk if you've seen any of my previous posts...

Then I second Wiseman's advice.  Do NOT contact this abuser.  For ANY reason.

Have you received counseling for the abuse?  What about your children?  Have you arranged for them to have counseling for the abuse they witnessed?  Yes, they did witness it and yes, they'll need help.  I witnessed things when I was a child that still affect me to this day and I'm in my 50s.  I needed counseling but no one ever bothered getting me any and I don't know how to have healthy relationships because of what I witnessed as a child.  I'm in counseling now, but it's a bit late.

And you definitely need counseling if you still want to contact this abusive man.  You can't discount how what you experienced affects you.  Being healthy is important and that includes mental and emotional health.  If you take care of you, you'll be an even better caretaker for your children.

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9 hours ago, Drainedemotion said:

wasn't sure what topic to put this under.  I'm not really interested in dating right now.  i'm newly a single mom of 3 kids. i'm used to being withsomeone all the time.  how do i get used to being single again?  I try to keep busy, but always find myself wanting to text my ex boyfriend or wondering what he's doing.  our relationship was not healthy and i know its the right decision.   however i'm feelilng gui9lty too because he was living with me, and has bought a lot of stuff for my house (without me asking him to - and i tried paying for the things when he bought them, and he wouldn't let me).  so i'm not sure how to deal with that either. 😞 😞 😞 i just want to feel normal again and be happy.  

 

Thank you

Don’t contact him again. These feelings will pass. Break the cycle of abuse and move forward for yourself and your kids.

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21 hours ago, Drainedemotion said:

thank you for the suggestions...i appreciate it.  my kids are at their dads 20% of the time, so sometimes i am alone 😞   they come back later today. 

the purchases aren't necessarily things i can just box up... one was an upright freezer, and another was a dishwasher... and he also paid for a furnace last year.... we've been together for over 2 years so its not easy.... i can offer to pay him back i suppose?  

he put me through a lot though.... idk if you've seen any of my previous posts...

You did good to leave.

I think you should stop worrying about that stuff. Don't reach out to him. If he reaches out to pick it all up, tell him the police need to accompany him and then call the police and make sure they know. 

I know you're lonely, but wait it out. Bringing your ex back into your life will be a big mistake.

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Don't use 'stuff' as an emotional reason to stay tethered to an abuser. 

Consider that if you have the time and the urge to reach out to an abuser, you have the perfect conditions to reach out for appropriate help for yourself and your children, instead.

Consider contacting your local hospital for a referral to a social worker, a support group, a women's shelter for a counseling appointment--each contact can form a chain to the next helpful resource and the next.

Your heart will be warmed by the sheer numbers of loving and generous people who not only want to help, but who help themselves by offering help.

If you hit a dead end, don't be discouraged, just reach somewhere else until you hit paydirt. Your children deserve that kind of tenacity, and you'll build pride in your strength and resilience.

Head high and congrats for making the first and hardest step. Keep it going until you lead yourself to a place where you're confident enough to help the next person.

Good job!

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