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What should I do?


delacrank123
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I went out on two dates with this women I met at a bar. The first time we went out, it felt like there was a lot of chemistry and there was a lot of making out and things of that nature.

Then she kind of went cold for a week or two, and I decided to text her and she responded the next day and we ended up talking on the phone for a little while.

I realized afterwards that she was just being a little guarded and opening up to me slowly. A part of me feels very impatient with this whole process and I want just to get familiar with her. 

However, I am uncertain of how she feels towards me and it’s causing me a lot of stress. I know I just met her and we’ve only been on two dates. The second date, was shorter and she was kind of in a rush to get home. 

My feeling was that it was work related, but I have difficulty determining if that’s what’s going on or if she feels indifferent towards me. Like before we were very affectionate, but I felt like her level of interest wasn’t as strong and I feel like the more time that goes by the more she will start to wane.

She has admitted to me that she is compulsive and maybe the novelty of meeting for the first time has calmed down and things are starting to get more serious. My feeling is that she can’t handle that, and that’s probably why she is a single unmarried woman at her age.

Should I prepare for the worst or I am being paranoid.

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16 minutes ago, delacrank123 said:

I went out on two dates with this women I met at a bar. The first time we went out, it felt like there was a lot of chemistry and there was a lot of making out and things of that nature.

Just slow down a bit. She may not want to feel like someone you just picked up in a bar for a hook up.

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13 minutes ago, delacrank123 said:

My feeling is that she can’t handle that, and that’s probably why she is a single unmarried woman at her age.

This stood out to me as being pretty judgmental, the sort of diagnostic cage that people generally do not enjoy being placed inside. Who she is, how she's gotten there, the choices she's made—if all that, at this early stage, is less compelling to you than whether or not she's insta-into you, you might need to take a beat an adjust your expectations of dating. Humans generally have a scent for negative energy as dogs do for fear. 

I get it, of course. Meeting, chatting, making out, especially when some booze is involved: it can all be like drugs for the imagination, to say nothing of the pheromones. Still, human beings are allowed to do those things and not be eager to do them again, at least right away. Can only speak for myself, but I haven't gone on to seriously date everyone I've made out with. 

Maybe she wants to slow things down a bit—or, sure, maybe she's just not feeling it. I wouldn't call the latter "the worst," in terms of something to "prepare  for." That is just dating: a casino where the slot machines never sync to jackpot. How you find out what's what is pretty simple: You send her a note saying you're looking forward to seeing her again, offer some free days, and see what kind of response you get. If it's a date—great. If it's not—just as great. 

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29 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You met at a bar....alcohol was being consumed that night? Then things cooled off ....when the beer goggles came off, she lost interest. Leave her be. 

I think you misunderstood. Meeting her wasn’t considered the date. After I got her number we went out.

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28 minutes ago, delacrank123 said:

She has admitted to me that she is compulsive and maybe the novelty of meeting for the first time has calmed down and things are starting to get more serious. My feeling is that she can’t handle that, and that’s probably why she is a single unmarried woman at her age.

 

Yeah, doesnt work like that. You made a convinient excuse for her and why she is single. But in a reality it could be any number of factors. From maybe her non-commital issues to her just getting out from something more serious late(dated a girl in late 30s, she got out of big relationship because he wouldnt marry her after number of years) to her just being unlucky in love. Point is, you dont know that girl enough. Not saying that you arent right, dated one non-commital in her 30s too, but just that you dont know that after 2 dates.

Also, consider her cutting things on second that her level of interest is very low and her "work related issues" as a convinient excuse. Whether its because of you, her or some other dating prospect of hers. Its not really that important. So, I would leave it alone especially if she doesnt make some kind of effort to make it up to you for lackluster second date. Because, yes, her level of interest seems pretty low if she did that.

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At this point your imagination and guess work are working overtime. 

Ask her out on another date.  Dinner and maybe ice cream afterward at a local shop.  Keep it simple and sober and see what happens.

  If she agrees to another date then see how it goes, how much she wants to get to know you and if she seems genuinely interested.  If not then you tried instead of allowing it to swirl around in your head.

Only she knows why she is compulsive, only she knows why she needed to cut the date short and only she knows if she is interested or not.  Anything else is simply guessing.

If you feel like she is concerned about things going to fast or that she might think you are looking for sex on this date then tell her you will meet her at the restaurant. This gives her total control of her evening.

Good luck and let us know how it worked out

Lost 

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3 hours ago, delacrank123 said:

She has admitted to me that she is compulsive and maybe the novelty of meeting for the first time has calmed down and things are starting to get more serious. My feeling is that she can’t handle that, and that’s probably why she is a single unmarried woman at her age.

lol have you shared this theory with her? 🤣

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You just met her. Making assumptions about her character or history are unreasonable and unfounded. If you want to get to know her better, you need to slow down and do so. She’s probably sensing your anxiety and it’s not attractive. To answer your question; you’ve been on two dates, there’s no “worst” to prepare for. I don’t know if you’re being paranoid, but you are jumping the gun in this case. 

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2 hours ago, jul-els said:

You just met her. Making assumptions about her character or history are unreasonable and unfounded. If you want to get to know her better, you need to slow down and do so. She’s probably sensing your anxiety and it’s not attractive. To answer your question; you’ve been on two dates, there’s no “worst” to prepare for. I don’t know if you’re being paranoid, but you are jumping the gun in this case. 

That’s a good point. A less anxious person wouldn’t press issues and just let things ride. I’m going to use that in the future and I’ll let you guys know if we end up meeting on Wednesday or not which is a day we considered for the future.

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I’m starting to get a lot of anxiety about reaching out. I feel like a normal person would just text the person and talk to them. However, I’ve gotten a few negative signals by now and I just feel like reaching out would other further push them away by being insecure.

Is this normal, should I listen to my gut and just not reach out at all, waiting to see if she reaches out to me instead or just blowing the entire thing off.

I think a lot of my anxiety is attributed to my lack of a social life. Meaning that if I was going out more and socializing, I wouldn’t be stressing these things. I can see how if the roles were reversed, it probably would be annoying for me to comfort someone when nothing is happening in terms of my feelings towards them.

Im starting to feel more and more like she’s just going to either flat out reject me when Wednesday comes. Or make an excuse, what is normal to do in these situations. Does it make more sense just just distance my self emotionally or should I allow myself to just be and hope that I can me someone with my similar attachment patterns?

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What's the deal for Wednesday? Do you guys have a date set up? Have you two been in any contact since the last date? 

It's hard to tell here, since it seems your anxiety about all this is connected to much deeper realms, but speaking for myself? I just didn't care all that much at this stage of dating. If I felt like seeing someone, I reached out. If someone felt like fading on me? I never really saw that as rejection so much as dating.

Guess what I'm saying is that being on eggshells really doesn't get you anything. Confidence and curiosity are attractive qualities. Doesn't mean you get everything and everyone you want, but I'd work on cultivating those things as your fuel here.  

 

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16 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

What's the deal for Wednesday? Do you guys have a date set up? Have you two been in any contact since the last date? 

It's hard to tell here, since it seems your anxiety about all this is connected to much deeper realms, but speaking for myself? I just didn't care all that much at this stage of dating. If I felt like seeing someone, I reached out. If someone felt like fading on me? I never really saw that as rejection so much as dating.

Guess what I'm saying is that being on eggshells really doesn't get you anything. Confidence and curiosity are attractive qualities. Doesn't mean you get everything and everyone you want, but I'd work on cultivating those things as your fuel here.  

 

Well, originally I set a date for a week in advanced on Wednesday. That would have been the second time we would be scheduled to me. This is over the span of 3 weeks. 

I guess after we spoke on the phone a little she offered to meet me much sooner since I had mentioned that I enjoyed her company so much. 

That was when I described the second date as feeling kind of meh. I asked her if she still wanted to go out on Wednesday since she leaving on the weekend to go on a wedding. She said let’s play it by ear.

On Saturday I casually mentioned I would be in the city to work and play sports since she lives there. That was 2 days after we met. 

No response. So at this point I’m feeling like I’m overextended and don’t even feel like trying to confirm anything for Wednesday.

It would make sense for me to not even reach out right? Or is this being immature.

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So you say you enjoyed her company, she offers to meet up sooner, and you take that to mean...that she's not that into you? I'm confused. And if Wednesday was already set, why are you giving her a sudden out? Also confusing. If I was in her shoes I'd probably think you weren't all that interested in me. 

On Sat, when you mentioned you were in the city, did you suggest a coffee or drink or walk or something? Or did you just let her know, hoping she would do the heavy lifting? If it's the latter, I can understand why she didn't respond. 

Me? I'd probably send her a note today, with a specific suggestion about Wednesday, something like: "Does Wednesday still work for you? I was thinking we could try that new tapas spot around seven." If you get silence from that, or a no, then you know she's just not feeling it.

Which is not rejection. It's just dating. Remind yourself of that a few times and everything will be fine. 

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I asked a guy out one time. He said he had a girlfriend, so no thanks. 

Another time I offered to give my number to a different guy. He turned out to be married and therefore unavailable.

I didn't take either as a "rejection". I just went on my merry way having fun flirting with guys and hanging out with my friends. 

Are you going on dates with other women? If not, why not?

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Yeah. I finally reached out to her again. And she wasn’t interested. I’m not sure why women have a hard time just admitting these things but I learned a lot from the interaction and I think when I get better at dating more. I’ll know how to read the room better.

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It’s just the nature of dating. You have to meet a lot of people before something clicks with one of them. It’s a process, trial and error. You know like that old saying, you have to kiss a lot of frogs. Well, it’s true. If you want to find a good girlfriend, just keep looking. It may take a long time, and it probably will, it does for most people. You just have to keep going, if it’s what you want. 

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Dating takes resilience, because most people are just not our match. That's natural odds.

Think of rejection as nothing more than someone not able to view you through the right lens. It's not a reflection on you, it speaks of their limitations. We all have those.

Allow wrong matches to pass early, and move right along to meet the next one.

Head high.

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