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Trying hard to be interesting and cute


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Alex, do you want to meet the right man for you?  Or do you just want some male human you can slap the label "boyfriend" on?

There was a young woman who posted on this forum maybe three-ish years ago. Coincidentally her name was also Alex.  She seemed overly focused on trying to find a boyfriend because, she said, all her friends were married or had boyfriends and she felt left out.  And she too was overly concerned about whether the guys she met liked her instead of being concerned with whether or not SHE liked THEM.  She started a thread talking about being "very excited" that she matched with some guy on Bumble and the thread ended up being about three or four different men she found online, none of which worked out because she wasn't focusing on the right things.  She was "excited" about the possibility of finally being able to say she had a boyfriend. She was making all kinds of future plans inside her head before she'd even gone on one date with any of these men, without knowing if any of them would have been a good match for her. She was deeply disappointed when nothing worked out. And that was because she was more concerned with trying to get them to like her instead of finding out if she really liked them.

I'm not sure if you're the same Alex, but if not my advice remains the same as what I told her; don't put all your efforts into trying to be what you think some guy you don't even know wants.  Focus more on choosing one who's the right fit for you.

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I have a work friend and sadly we've faded a bit because of covid -we used to meet for lunch every 6-8 weeks -we work in different divisions-never together -and I went to full telework when covid hit -from partial -and she shifted to partial telework still since 2020. 

We met 6 years ago at a work seminar.  We had stuff in common. But honestly especially compared to my pre-marriage/kid life my life is not that exciting lol.  And I don't care one bit. 

She is married no kids and I didn't talk about my son much if at all but we found things to chat about during our lunches and enjoyed them.  I didn't "try" to be interesting -just figured we'd do lunch, chat about whatever (including some personal stuff as time went on -but not work gossip ever) - and hopefully grow our friendship.

A few years in we were walking back from lunch and in context she said something to me like you're not just a good listener you also ask really good follow up questions - I don't think I'd received that compliment before and to me it was natural to do so -I am interested in people, I was interested in her -her life, her stuff, what she had going on -and it was reciprocal -my follow up questions were never prying.

I was very in tune with taking her lead as to what she wanted to share - but they showed that I had truly heard what she said, picked up on a part that was interesting to follow up on and she enjoyed being heard and then realizing what I needed more info on. 

I know it sounds technical -but when you are truly interested in a person and truly care (I did and do) you don't spend your time thinking up ways to get more information out of them -you listen openly -without rehearsing what you're going to say next if possible - you then consider what else that person might be comfortable talking more about -or find fun to talk about, etc. 

It's natural when it clicks.  It's not natural to keep typing to a stranger you might want to date (I do have online penpals for sure -that's different -and yes some of them are close friends!) - it's not natural to try so hard especially in typed messages - it's also not consistent with your emphasis on finding a relationship -your actions say otherwise. 

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