Is he interested?

[isthisaredflag]

Matched with him, and messaged him, he seems to be interested and relatively engaging. A little flirtatious and cheeky, all appropriate. Complimented on a photo of mine. I admit I haven't asked him any questions and he still responds relatively engagingly in a way that almost requires a response. He did ask a question the other night, I replied but I didn't return with another question. He still responded. I finally did ask him something, so will be interesting to see if he returns a question back so the communication continues so we can meet up. He does take many hours to respond as well.

Advice?

 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, isthisaredflag said:

He does take many hours to respond as well.

If he is not suggesting meeting, he's a timewaster. Texting is Not dating. Forget "flirty and cheeky" or bantering questions back and forth. If he is not asking you out he's not interested.

You can cut to the chase and suggest meeting for a brief coffee/drink. You need to participate in your own success when it comes to getting dates. That  means skip the endless texting.

[isthisaredflag]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

If he is not suggesting meeting, he's a timewaster. Texting is Not dating. Forget "flirty and cheeky" or bantering questions back and forth. If he is not asking you out he's not interested.

You can cut to the chase and suggest meeting for a brief coffee/drink. You need to participate in your own success when it comes to getting dates. That  means skip the endless texting.

Your always is always good, thank you. We've only been talking for a day, so will give him the benefit of the doubt.

[isthisaredflag]

2 minutes ago, isthisaredflag said:

Your always is always good, thank you. We've only been talking for a day, so will give him the benefit of the doubt.

Advice sorry *

[reinventmyself]

You need to let someone know you are interested in who they are.  If someone didn't seem interested in inquiring anything about me, I'd move on.

Don't be coy with online dating.  Between this and the other thread you posted, you are trying to strategize rather than trying to make a connection with someone. 

There are plenty of time wasters online and by either not being forthcoming or sitting back waiting to be pursued you will miss out on the opportunity.

Personally, I would ask to talk on the phone rather quickly.  There is a good number of people who will text or write emails indefinitely.  I would just them to let me know if they are ever interested in talking on the phone.  Those with the right intentions will jump at the chance.  You get to know them much better than you ever will texting and from there if you get a sense you'd like to meet, suggest it.  Remember it's just a meet n greet and not a date.  

[isthisaredflag]

8 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

You need to let someone know you are interested in who they are.  If someone didn't seem interested in inquiring anything about me, I'd move on.

Don't be coy with online dating.  Between this and the other thread you posted, you are trying to strategize rather than trying to make a connection with someone. 

There are plenty of time wasters online and by either not being forthcoming or sitting back waiting to be pursued you will miss out on the opportunity.

Personally, I would ask to talk on the phone rather quickly.  There is a good number of people who will text or write emails indefinitely.  I would just them to let me know if they are ever interested in talking on the phone.  Those with the right intentions will jump at the chance.  You get to know them much better than you ever will texting and from there if you get a sense you'd like to meet, suggest it.  Remember it's just a meet n greet and not a date.  

Thank you. He replied with a question just now. I just do find it hard between wanting to be coy/not push someone anyway but cut to the chase like wiseman suggests. Am a pretty assertive personally naturally but I do find this difficult. Maybe with age I'll improve. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, isthisaredflag said:

Thank you. He replied with a question just now. I just do find it hard between wanting to be coy/not push someone anyway but cut to the chase like wiseman suggests. Am a pretty assertive personally naturally but I do find this difficult. Maybe with age I'll improve. 

It's not about age -it's about how you're viewing it.  These are strangers and is your goal to eventually find a romantic relationship? Then meet the stranger ASAP in person in a public place after a 15 or so minute phone call for safety screening -it was the number one safety tool I had and I avoided potentially harmful situations and many time wasters.  If you are doing this for any other reason -to test the waters, your ego, to tell yourself you are "trying" to date -don't bother and don't waste other peoples' time

You will push a man away -or a certain kind of man -if after you meet you ask him out more than once and call him too much/act needy.  It's called common sense.  Ask yourself if you truly want to do the work that it takes to set up a first meet, show up, look nice, be nice or if you are content with potential online flirting with strangers/chat buddies.

[Jaunty]

The most important question is,  are you interested in him?  I asked you this on your other identical thread.  I mean, what does it matter if he's interested in you if you aren't into him at all?  I don't know how you could possibly be since you seem to be determined NOT to learn anything about him.  Why?

[jul-els]

If he doesn’t ask to call or meet within the first few texts, either ask him or cut bait. Whichever you think is appropriate. Just don’t waste your time with pen pals on a dating site. 

[isthisaredflag]

I am interested in him. Thing is, I have been responding enthusiastically. Even my opening message which reasonably witty. I responded to something he said and still haven't heard from him in a few days. I'm unsure if he has intentions to even meet up. He did say he was looking at my Instagram the other day because I've got minimal photos, but he didn't follow me. We seem to listen to very similar music which is kind of interesting. Don't double message him right?

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, isthisaredflag said:

 still haven't heard from him in a few days. I'm unsure if he has intentions to even meet up. He did say he was looking at my Instagram the other day because I've got minimal photos, but he didn't follow me.

Let it go. You are overusing texting, messaging and social media even before there is interest or an offer to meet. You're wasting time on timewasters.

 Do not engage in all this chitchat and these lateral moves. Message a few times on the app. Suggest meeting for a brief coffee/drink. If there is no response or offer to meet, delete and block.

Do not add random internet strangers to your social media. Communicate through the app and meet promptly. Unless you want chatbuddies?

[isthisaredflag]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Let it go. You are overusing texting, messaging and social media even before there is interest or an offer to meet. You're wasting time on timewasters.

 Do not engage in all this chitchat and these lateral moves. Message a few times on the app. Suggest meeting for a brief coffee/drink. If there is no response or offer to meet, delete and block.

Do not add random internet strangers to your social media. Communicate through the app and meet promptly. Unless you want chatbuddies?

Thanks wiseman. So not do anything or double message him asking for a date?

[Batya33]

He should not ask you for a date and you should not ask a stranger out on a date.  Suggest a phone call and if the 15-20 minute phone call suggests you would enjoy meeting him in person for about an hour to have a conversation then suggest a first meet and if you like let him ask you out for a real first date.  You're dating online.  Do you want to date in person? Then take steps to do so or move on if you are not interested in meeting him in person based on what you know so far.

[Andrina]

No, do not ever double message. If a person wants to fade away, let him.

Don't accept a date unless you speak over the phone first.

If a person keeps communicating more than two weeks without an ask, tell them you're looking to date and not have a pen pal. If they still don't ask, block them.

Don't invest in the illusion of being into someone before you actually meet. Even then, it takes a long time to really get to know someone. When I did OLD, I really liked a guy on the first meet. The next time we met, I found out he was crazy.

I met up with about 30 men over a period of 2 and a half years before I met my husband. Normally, you have to date a boatload of men to find a good match. 

If you haven't tried Meetup.com, try that as another way to meet singles in your age group.

[bluecastle]

2 hours ago, isthisaredflag said:

So not do anything or double message him asking for a date?

You are paralyzing yourself with overthinking during a stage that does not merit any analysis. Dating app chats, social media views: this adds up to literally nothing. Which is to say: if he is on your mind, shoot a note that says “Chatting has been fun—should we move it to 3D? What’s your schedule look like over the next week?”

Done. I assure you he’s not going to clock the “double message.” If you get something in person set up—great. If you get no response—great. If you get something vague and a continuation of nebulous pixilated banter—great. That information will allow you to proceed in the right direction, and this practice will help you get out of your head and into the world. Win-win in all directions.

I had a pretty great time using the apps when I was single. Met some interesting people, had some fun, ultimately met my partner of almost 4 years. Had weird and disappointing experiences too, of course. But why I think it wasn’t complicated for me is that I didn’t invest brain cells in the digital chitchat, and very little, save for my natural curiosity about humans, in the first few meets. This stage the low stakes moment, lower than low. Save the thinking and fretting for when you are actually dating someone, you know?

[Batya33]

I exchanged 2-3 messages tops, asked for his number if he didn't ask for mine, had phone call then suggested first meet at end if I wanted to and he did not.  Before first meet I called/messaged only to confirm time place as needed.  I avoided all impressions of pen pal chat buddy stuff.  There were a number of men who wrote lovely messages and on the phone were duds/turned out to be lying, etc,  Had a situation where I called him and he yelled "who gave you this number????" Turned out he was in a green card marriage.

So for safety/to see if you should meet -always a phone call.  Date in person not online. Online sites are a great way to make that first contact.

[Lambert]

On 8/22/2022 at 9:57 AM, isthisaredflag said:

I just do find it hard between wanting to be coy/not push someone

Don't try to be coy. I think that gets lost in translation when on line dating. Which brings up a key point, there is no on line dating.  Until you actually meet and start to go on dates you're not dating.  You're screening each other to see if you're interested enough to meet. 

If you are super interested, maybe double message but keep in mind, their interest wasn't there for some reason.  That reason will probably come up again and they'll drop off on you again.  So maybe take the hint and save yourself time

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, isthisaredflag said:

Don't double message him right?

I found out that it really doesnt matter. People who are interested will respond back whether you ask something or not. No matter how much you try with some people you would get ignoring/one note answers. While with people who are interested you would get a proper conversation no matter if you ask something or not. I even tried that theory with the girl I thought was interested in me. I responded but didnt asked anything to see if she will ask. She responded back and she asked something. Its easy if you are both interested. Its hard when one side has to pull words from other. And its a way to know how much their interest level is. Feel free to cut people like that not to waste time.

Also no, dont double message. Again, if he was interested he would not let conversation die out that easily. He would add on Instagram, even asked something. He is either not that interested or interested in somebody else more as he is probably talking to more people. Dont let that get to you and keep on trying.

[jul-els]

I see the online chatting as a volley. I say something, they return it or don’t. If they don’t they’re not interested, plain and simple. Nothing vague about it. I continue my search. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, isthisaredflag said:

Thanks wiseman. So not do anything or double message him asking for a date?

Exactly. Don't chase uninterested men. Just invest your time in those who invest in you. That means dates, not texts.

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, Andrina said:

I met up with about 30 men over a period of 2 and a half years before I met my husband. Normally, you have to date a boatload of men to find a good match. 

^^Consider this as roughly typical, and prepare yourself to muscle up for the long haul.

You can't do that by picking nits and getting hung up on reading tea leaves with any one stranger--and they're all strangers until you meet.

The goal isn't to try to mesmerize and impress anyone over typing, it's to set up a bunch of quick meets over coffee on your way home from work. Learn if there's chemistry and if he views himself as relationship material--or whether he'll string you along (if you'll allow it) with 'casual,' aka, a waste of your time if you try to 'convert' casual into being serious.(Skip that.)

You can skip being fussy about your messages, you'll make yourself nuts. Instead, FIND OUT what YOU think of HIM. Consider yourself as the CEO of your life, and you're conducting a careful search to find the right person to be your partner. 

Own your power instead of trying to please.

This means allow wrong matches to pass early. There will be plenty of them, and that's not a reflection on you. Don't try to 'sell' anyone, just keep moving your attention onto setting up the next one until you MEET someone worthy of a real date. From there you'll learn over time whether he's worthy of your investment.

Sweating the small stuff before actually dating is exhausting an unnecessary. Just MEET the nice people!!!

Head high.

[isthisaredflag]

Thanks, everyone. Maybe I am a bit too invested, but I just felt like we had a fair bit in common. Very similar music. Whilst I'm not directly in the medical field, have done research in a similar field that he currently works in so that as well. Just felt *right*. 

[Lambert]

56 minutes ago, isthisaredflag said:

Thanks, everyone. Maybe I am a bit too invested, but I just felt like we had a fair bit in common. Very similar music. Whilst I'm not directly in the medical field, have done research in a similar field that he currently works in so that as well. Just felt *right*. 

Not to sound harsh but try to remember this perspective is yours. not his. 

this forum is full of posts about feeling everything was great, they were so perfect, so much in common. Just as they all lack the same thing- the other person's side.

All feelings you have are yours. All perception is one side or maybe even somewhat skewed by what you want to be true. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, isthisaredflag said:

Thanks, everyone. Maybe I am a bit too invested, but I just felt like we had a fair bit in common. Very similar music. Whilst I'm not directly in the medical field, have done research in a similar field that he currently works in so that as well. Just felt *right*. 

You'll have things in common with many men you encounter on dating sites. That's not the issue. The issue is he hasn't messaged in almost a week, never asked you out and you hoped he was simply "too busy" working.

Prevent burnout like this by responding to other messages and messaging some men who interest you. You need to actively participate in your own dating success, not get hung up on anyone in particular until you meet and there is mutual interest.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, isthisaredflag said:

Thanks, everyone. Maybe I am a bit too invested, but I just felt like we had a fair bit in common. Very similar music. Whilst I'm not directly in the medical field, have done research in a similar field that he currently works in so that as well. Just felt *right*. 

With millions of people in the world, MANY will appear to match you on the page. 

That's not the point at which it's smart to talk yourself into attraction--it only puts their resume in your interview pile.

Don't form fantasies 'around' typing--or images, or anything digital. Don't fantasize at all, or you'll fall in love with the creations of your own mind. That's called living in your head.

Set up quick coffee meets with potential matches and test whether you find them attractive. Learn by asking direct questions about what they are seeking by dating. 

If you want a relationship, screen OUT anyone who's just looking to mess around casually. Only date matches that inspire you IN PERSON and who's goals for dating match your own.

Grasp that you'll meet a lot of duds. Those are natural odds, and don't waste time trying to motivate yourself to keep seeing anyone for ANY other reason than that you WANT to see them again.

Train your mind to accept rejection as nothing more than someone who doesn't own the ability to view you through the right lens. That doesn't speak of you, only another's limitations--and we all have those. 

Hold out for true simpatico. You'll know it when you find it, and you won't need to pretzel yourself to 'earn' it. It means you've found someone who can appreciate your unique value just as you can recognize his.

The rest is all noise you'll learn to tune out.