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Starbaby14
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Hi everyone, I don't know who else to go to about this but it's eating away at me. I (F28) been with my boyfriend (M25) for a year and he is my first serious relationship. He has never given me a reason to not trust him or be suspicious of him, he's always been good to me. He has only female friends and I believe it to be because of trauma with men so he gets along and feels safer with women which is ok and understandable. At the beginning of the relationship he would ask me to hang out with him and his girl friends because his friends are important to him and he wanted me to meet them. I hung out with them a couple times but I am very shy so after meeting them I declined to hang out with them further. One of his girl friends haven't been very kind to me either and kind of isolated me from the group so that's another reason why I choose not to hang out with them. He doesn't hang out with them much anymore aside from maybe once a week because he feels not compatible with them anymore. But a few days ago, one of his old friends from Washington messaged him and she's visiting and wants to see him. He got really excited and made plans right away and he made sure to tell me she was coming and he will be hanging out with her. He's been spending everyday talking to her and today is the day he left to go see her. He didn't invite me or tell me anything about her and he will be alone with her. He shaved and washed his hair and everything. I don't mind him having female friends at all but I feel weird and upset that he didn't talk to me about her really and then didn't invite me and ran off to be alone with her. Maybe he didn't ask me because he knows I'm shy and would have declined anyways but she seems important to him more than any of the others have. So I find it weird he didn't invite me anyways just to be polite and respectful. Or ask me how I feel about him spending time alone with another woman. He may even be spending time with her a lot while she's visiting he may see her again and I don't know how to bring this up because I don't want to look insecure and crazy. I don't know if I'm overreacting or not. I love him very much and I don't believe he would ever cheat on me but I am really sad that he hasn't seemed to value me and put me as a priority and ask me about coming with him before he set this up. I don't know if I'm making an issue out of nothing because I'm insecure. I don't want to cause a fight. 

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You're a lot better lady than I am !  If my husband (former boyfriend) were to have a bunch of female friends while I'm his girlfriend, I'd tell him to enjoy his female friends and go have a nice life !  There is no way in heck that I would tolerate being my boyfriend's girlfriend while not really feeling exclusive in his life at all.  What am I?  Chopped liver? 

Your boyfriend is the one who has to enforce healthy boundaries with his female friends or female friend at the moment.  He should spend time and energy on you otherwise this picture is awfully crowded. ☹️ Why bother being his girlfriend when he is too busy for you?  This is definitely an issue and as long as you're passively enabling his abnormal behavior, you are merely just one of his girls.  You certainly do not have special status in his life and he demonstrates obnoxious disrespect to you all the time.

The real question is this:  Do you have the patience of a saint?  Stop allowing him to treat you like a doormat !  He either should treat you like a real special girlfriend in his life or you're out.  He either changes and becomes an honorable, very decent man or you deserve someone who knows how to treat you right.  Make this distinction very clear to you. 

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11 minutes ago, Starbaby14 said:

He has only female friends. I don't want to look insecure and crazy.  I am really sad that he hasn't seemed to value me and put me as a priority and ask me about coming with him before he set this up. 

Sorry this is happening. He's dating other women. Maybe not having sex but he does have interest as an orbiter. Step away and reflect on the relationship. Don't try to be the "cool GF" when it comes to inappropriate behavior..

You can't lecture him on who he can/can't hang out with but you can take note about how inappropriate it is and how his need for exclusively female friends makes you feel like hell and sad. He seems much too immature for you.

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2 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You're a lot better lady than I am !  If my husband (former boyfriend) were to have a bunch of female friends while I'm his girlfriend, I'd tell him to enjoy his female friends and go have a nice life !  There is no way in heck that I would tolerate being my boyfriend's girlfriend while not really feeling exclusive in his life at all.  What am I?  Chopped liver? 

Your boyfriend is the one who has to enforce healthy boundaries with his female friends or female friend at the moment.  He should spend time and energy on you otherwise this picture is awfully crowded. ☹️ Why bother being his girlfriend when he is too busy for you?  This is definitely an issue and as long as you're passively enabling his abnormal behavior, you are merely just one of his girls.  You certainly do not have special status in his life and he demonstrates obnoxious disrespect to you all the time.

The real question is this:  Do you have the patience of a saint?  Stop allowing him to treat you like a doormat !  He either should treat you like a real special girlfriend in his life or you're out.  He either changes and becomes an honorable, very decent man or you deserve someone who knows how to treat you right.  Make this distinction very clear to you. 

That makes me nervous! I do know he loves and he spends more time with me than anyone. We live together so we see each other and spend time together daily and he showers me with love and affection and he rarely sees his friends unless it's a get together that I've expressed I'm not interested in. So I don't blame him for not inviting me there. I just wonder if he didn't invite me to meet this girl today because I decline so often? So he figured I wouldn't want to go? But I agree with you that I do deserve to be prioritized more. He has ADHD so he may not be actively thinking about my feelings in this moment. He may not be being malicious or secretive he may just be excited to hang out with his friend and figured I didn't want to go. That's what I'm telling myself. But it's also my first relationship so I'm not sure if I'm being insecure or if I should be worried about this 

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. He's dating other women. Maybe not having sex but he does have interest as an orbiter. Step away and reflect on the relationship. Don't try to be the "cool GF" when it comes to inappropriate behavior..

You can't lecture him on who he can/can't hang out with but you can take note about how inappropriate it is and how his need for exclusively female friends makes you feel like hell and sad. He seems much too immature for you.

His group of female friends are all DND players with their boyfriends so he has no single female friends aside from this girl he's seeing today 

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2 minutes ago, Starbaby14 said:

We live together.. He has ADHD so he may not be actively thinking about my feelings in this moment.

 Why did you move in together so soon? Is your place his pace or do you co-lease? Try not to make excuses like "he has ADHD" for this disrespect. You need to discontinue allowing disrespectful antics.

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4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Why did you move in together so soon? Is your place his pace or do you co-lease? Try not to make excuses like "he has ADHD" for this disrespect. You need to discontinue allowing disrespectful antics.

A year isn't soon? We both pay rent as well. & I bring up the ADHD because one of the side effects of the disorder is disorganized thoughts to the point he is unable to think of things that aren't immediately on his mind 

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6 minutes ago, Starbaby14 said:

That makes me nervous! I do know he loves and he spends more time with me than anyone. We live together so we see each other and spend time together daily and he showers me with love and affection and he rarely sees his friends unless it's a get together that I've expressed I'm not interested in. So I don't blame him for not inviting me there. I just wonder if he didn't invite me to meet this girl today because I decline so often? So he figured I wouldn't want to go? But I agree with you that I do deserve to be prioritized more. He has ADHD so he may not be actively thinking about my feelings in this moment. He may not be being malicious or secretive he may just be excited to hang out with his friend and figured I didn't want to go. That's what I'm telling myself. But it's also my first relationship so I'm not sure if I'm being insecure or if I should be worried about this 

He loves you on his terms and as long as you're subservient.  He doesn't love you enough to do the right thing by NOT socializing with a bunch of female friends.  This whole set up is weird including the unkind female friend who isolated you from the group.  The 1:1 female friend is too much.  He showered and shaved just for her?  He spends everyday talking to her and today he's with her yet again!  It's never enough for him.  He's some piece of work !  He shouldn't be hanging out with her in the first place while you're at home watching TV with a bowl of popcorn.  There's something wrong with this picture. 

Don't feel that you need to be invited to join this threesome.  He shouldn't be with her anyway.  He needs to be with you.  He gets to have his cake and eat it, too meaning you're his girlfriend while he gets to have fun with other females without you !  He gets to have the best of both worlds because YOU allow it.  He's weird, incredibly rude and disrespectful to YOU as his girlfriend and to his relationship with you.   He does not treat you as if you're sacred to him. He does not treat you as if you matter. His priorities are messed up.

It sounds to me he is not willing to change for you.  Either accept him the way he is or dissolve and exit this abnormal relationship.  Those are your choices. 

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I dunno, the whole "I hang around with only women" schtick is a pretty weird too. Trauma or not, its weird and suspicious that he doesnt have a male friends and is hanging out exclusively with female ones. The only guy that I know that only has a women friends, is gay. I am not saying that yours is. Just that, its weird by itself. He chooses to be exclusively around females, but is also attracted to females. Its not clear business and should have been a red flag to you from the start. 

On top of that, yes, his behavior for that friend that is coming to town is like he is going on a date with her. And there was no reason for you not be introduced there also. Aside of him wanting to be alone with her. From what reason, that is what you should be asking yourself. Also, you are well within your rights as somebody who is living with him, not to be OK with him spending time 1on1 with some girl. He should know that you are not OK with it and that you insist on coming along. I bet he would have a reaction on that and if he protests that should tell you all you need to know about his strange friendships.

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25 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

On top of that, yes, his behavior for that friend that is coming to town is like he is going on a date with her. And there was no reason for you not be introduced there also. Aside of him wanting to be alone with her. From what reason, that is what you should be asking yourself. Also, you are well within your rights as somebody who is living with him, not to be OK with him spending time 1on1 with some girl.

I agree because this one on one time is very date-like and you are not included. I think it's fine in a relationship to have platonic friends and spend one on one time.  Not ok to do date-like activities or play with fire.  I met my guy friend for lunch twice when he was in town.  Alone.  My husband was not able to come (and one time the guy friend invited another woman friend of his so it was actually 3 of us). 

I'd never dated this person although we actually met via a dating site, decided not to meet (because of distance) and met when he came to my new town in order to meet another woman -who came along too!  My husband was fine with it that time as well  He was invited, there was only platonic interest, this person is 100% supportive that I am happily married. 

And he ended up helping us with IT issues as well so my husband chats with him /emails regularly.  So yes it can work just fine and be perfectly appropriate.  I have had other platonic male friends and my husband has had platonic female friends. 

We've never ever cheated on each other not even close, never had any trust issues whatsoever, we've never gone on "dates" with our platonic friends and we've each at least given the other person the opportunity to meet our friends.  It's not a set in stone black and white issue.  It depends on the couple.  Your boyfriend IMO is behaving inappropriately.  ADHD has nothing to do with it -he has the choice to act and react appropriately and consistently with being in a serious, committed relationship.  He wasn't doing so in this situation.  

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I think this is a bit more complicated than a tale of disrespect, though I understand that some, as seen above, have very firm ideas about men and women—namely that there friendships should not, and can not, exist in a realm similar to those of the same gender.  

Anyhow, once upon a time, he was eager for you to meet all his female friends, hang with them, invited you. Over time, a pattern emerged: you weren’t super interested in that, and it sounds like there was one unfortunate experience. Could that history be a bit at play here? If he’s a good guy, who is generally considerate of you and your feelings, and who in your gut is not stepping out of line, I’d extend some grace here. If he’s not that—well, you have bigger issues  

If what you want is something that’s different from the established pattern—well, why not ask if she’s still in town and wants to come over for dinner? That way you get to meet her, change the dynamic a bit, without a lot of drama. After that meal, or before, you can broach all this: “Hey, I have no interest in managing your friendships, but I was hurt to not be invited out with a woman I’ve never met. That doesn’t feel appropriate in a relationship to me. Can we talk about the sort of boundaries we both think are appropriate so we don’t run into this in the future?” 

How he responds to that—with grace or not—will tell you what you’re looking for here.

 

 

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It looks like he has nothing to fear, while knowing you won't walk away.  It also sounds like you're making excuses for him, and he's running with that.

In any event, as long as you tolerate his disrespect, he'll continue with this behaviour.  It's a matter of pay now, or pay later.

You can do much better.

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1 hour ago, Starbaby14 said:

One of his girl friends haven't been very kind to me either and kind of isolated me from the group so that's another reason why I choose not to hang out with them.

Can you explain this more? I’m particularly curious as to whether you felt you boyfriend had your back in that moment. 

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1 hour ago, Starbaby14 said:

it's eating away at me. I

If a guy was right for you, this wouldn't be happening. It's okay not to be comfortable with a guy who has a friendship harem.

1 hour ago, Starbaby14 said:

He has only female friends and I believe it to be because of trauma with men

It's your belief, but not necessarily fact. It's quite unbelievable, as people work with both genders, he knows these ladies boyfriends and husbands, etc. There's no way I'd date someone like this. Don't feel like there is a problem with you for feeling like crap about the situation.

2 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Can you explain this more? I’m particularly curious as to whether you felt you boyfriend had your back in that moment. 

This also stuck out to me. I don't care if he's been friends with her since birth. A decent man would've said, "We can no longer be friends, because even if my gf isn't your cup of tea, I won't allow anybody to be unkind to her."

When you get some distance from this toxicity, you will shake your head at how long you put up with it.

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25 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I think this is a bit more complicated than a tale of disrespect, though I understand that some, as seen above, have very firm ideas about men and women—namely that there friendships should not, and can not, exist in a realm similar to those of the same gender.  

Anyhow, once upon a time, he was eager for you to meet all his female friends, hang with them, invited you. Over time, a pattern emerged: you weren’t super interested in that, and it sounds like there was one unfortunate experience. Could that history be a bit at play here? If he’s a good guy, who is generally considerate of you and your feelings, and who in your gut is not stepping out of line, I’d extend some grace here. If he’s not that—well, you have bigger issues  

If what you want is something that’s different from the established pattern—well, why not ask if she’s still in town and wants to come over for dinner? That way you get to meet her, change the dynamic a bit, without a lot of drama. After that meal, or before, you can broach all this: “Hey, I have no interest in managing your friendships, but I was hurt to not be invited out with a woman I’ve never met. That doesn’t feel appropriate in a relationship to me. Can we talk about the sort of boundaries we both think are appropriate so we don’t run into this in the future?” 

How he responds to that—with grace or not—will tell you what you’re looking for here.

 

 

I appreciate your response. I did ask why I wasn't invited and he told me he didn't think I would have wanted to go. I told him I would have appreciated an invite because you're supposed to introduce your partners to your friends. He said he of course wants me to meet his friends and he would have had no problem with me going. It's just idk the principal that upsets me I guess. I'm upset he didn't think to ask me at the beginning and the fact he thinks it's appropriate to go out alone with this girl. I don't even know if she's straight I know nothing about her. It doesn't seem like he's acting sneaky and I don't think he even thinks I would have been upset because to him maybe she's just any other friend. I'm trying to look at it logically. I don't want him to think I'm preventing him from having female friends. He hasn't seen this girl for years so he was exciting to catch up. I know he brought me up to her so it's not like he's hiding that he has a girlfriend, she's aware of me. I think I was just hurt that he didn't invite me for this meetup. Maybe he will for future ones since I'm sure he'll want to see her again while she's in town. But also, I guess it would be awkward if I was there for this first meetup since it's a meetup to catch up after not seeing each other. That conversation is best one on one and me being there would make it awkward since I don't know her and can't relate to what they talk about. But if he wants to continue seeing her alone the rest of the week, that might be something I should worry about 

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7 minutes ago, Andrina said:

If a guy was right for you, this wouldn't be happening. It's okay not to be comfortable with a guy who has a friendship harem.

It's your belief, but not necessarily fact. It's quite unbelievable, as people work with both genders, he knows these ladies boyfriends and husbands, etc. There's no way I'd date someone like this. Don't feel like there is a problem with you for feeling like crap about the situation.

This also stuck out to me. I don't care if he's been friends with her since birth. A decent man would've said, "We can no longer be friends, because even if my gf isn't your cup of tea, I won't allow anybody to be unkind to her."

When you get some distance from this toxicity, you will shake your head at how long you put up with it.

It was a friend he's had since childhood. Her and her boyfriend threw things at me when I was laying down and she excluded me from their group when they all got together. I told my boyfriend about what happened and he was very upset with them and has distanced himself from them because of it 

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11 minutes ago, Starbaby14 said:

It's just idk the principal that upsets me I guess. I'm upset he didn't think to ask me at the beginning and the fact he thinks it's appropriate to go out alone with this girl.

Have you talked to him about this? It’s very important that two people are in sync with what they feel is appropriate behavior. 

Generally speaking, how much time do spend with his friends, he with yours? Would you describe your worlds as braided together, or do you kind of exist in a bubble as a couple?

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5 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Have you talked to him about this? It’s very important that two people are in sync with what they feel is appropriate behavior. 

Generally speaking, how much time do spend with his friends, he with yours? Would you describe your worlds as braided together, or do you kind of exist in a bubble as a couple?

I haven't yet told him I'm bothered by him being alone with her because I don't want to start an unnecessary fight. I'm waiting to see how our conversation goes when he gets home and if he tells me he'll be seeing her again. 

He sees his friends maybe once a week or once bi-weekly for a few hours to play his DND game and that's it. I dont tagalong anymore because it bores me lol. He knows that. I don't have any friends I only have one girl friend and one boy friend that live in different states. My boyfriend and I spend all our time together and he seems to have a lot of fun with me and he seems happy to me thats why I don't know if I'm overreacting. 

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I agree because this one on one time is very date-like and you are not included. I think it's fine in a relationship to have platonic friends and spend one on one time.  Not ok to do date-like activities or play with fire.  I met my guy friend for lunch twice when he was in town.  Alone.  My husband was not able to come (and one time the guy friend invited another woman friend of his so it was actually 3 of us). 

I'd never dated this person although we actually met via a dating site, decided not to meet (because of distance) and met when he came to my new town in order to meet another woman -who came along too!  My husband was fine with it that time as well  He was invited, there was only platonic interest, this person is 100% supportive that I am happily married. 

And he ended up helping us with IT issues as well so my husband chats with him /emails regularly.  So yes it can work just fine and be perfectly appropriate.  I have had other platonic male friends and my husband has had platonic female friends. 

We've never ever cheated on each other not even close, never had any trust issues whatsoever, we've never gone on "dates" with our platonic friends and we've each at least given the other person the opportunity to meet our friends.  It's not a set in stone black and white issue.  It depends on the couple.  Your boyfriend IMO is behaving inappropriately.  ADHD has nothing to do with it -he has the choice to act and react appropriately and consistently with being in a serious, committed relationship.  He wasn't doing so in this situation.  

I agree it does seem date-like haha but at the same time he told me they're just going out to lunch to catch up and see each other since it's been so many years. It may have been awkward for me to have been the third wheel not being able to relate to what they talk about and remember together. I think the appropriate thing to do would for him to invite me the next time they go out, but idk if he will lol 

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29 minutes ago, Starbaby14 said:

I agree it does seem date-like haha but at the same time he told me they're just going out to lunch to catch up and see each other since it's been so many years. It may have been awkward for me to have been the third wheel not being able to relate to what they talk about and remember together. I think the appropriate thing to do would for him to invite me the next time they go out, but idk if he will lol 

OK here's the thing -cut out the LOL stuff if you actually are serious about this situation. Do you find yourself doing that -dismissing your own concerns, second-guessing the seriousness? I understand he might want to catch up with her -I can relate- without you there -the dynamic would be off.  But the set up of this meeting, his taking pains with how he dressed, looked ,etc it triggered your concern and discomfort and you're making excuses based on his ADHD too . What is so funny about this? If it's that funny then dismiss your concerns and treat the whole relationship as lol -meaning, casual, with no real future.

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25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

OK here's the thing -cut out the LOL stuff if you actually are serious about this situation. Do you find yourself doing that -dismissing your own concerns, second-guessing the seriousness? I understand he might want to catch up with her -I can relate- without you there -the dynamic would be off.  But the set up of this meeting, his taking pains with how he dressed, looked ,etc it triggered your concern and discomfort and you're making excuses based on his ADHD too . What is so funny about this? If it's that funny then dismiss your concerns and treat the whole relationship as lol -meaning, casual, with no real future.

Woah woah woah let's back up a second. Ok here's the thing, I'm not gonna sit here and get reprimanded by a stranger on a relationship forum for my one use of "lol". That has nothing to do with how I feel about my relationship or the situation. I love my boyfriend and things have always been good and the one time I find myself getting upset and needing some advice online, I get met with you being very rude about my verbiage on a forum. Get over yourself. I can say lol and it have no bearing over the situation. I'm loosening up and talking to people as if I would in real life. In real life you do chuckle between sentences sometimes. This is a real situation I'm going through and I don't find it funny at all. I came for advice and some conversation, non biased conversation. I don't need you telling me how to talk about my own situation and what words to use and not to use. ADHD is also not funny, it's real. And my boyfriend does REALLY have it and I'm trying to give everyone all the information and explain why sometimes he thinks and does the things he does. I'm trying to be logical and reasonable about my situation and look for outside perspectives.

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I think, tell him once when you’re both calm that the combination of not being invited when he went to see this friend and seeing him get all dressed up nice for it like he would for you on date night triggered some sad and insecure feelings in you (you’re flagging that the situation upset you, not him). Ask him if, going forward, can he please invite you to things even if it’s very likely you won’t accept the invitation. It might sound silly but it’s the different between feeling included and feeling excluded. It might be good to include here that you imagine in his shoes he may have been discouraged from inviting you places because you decline or try it and don’t enjoy yourself and you understand why he would skip the invitation and go straight to catching up with friend. (Being able to empathise with your partner is really important for long term harmony. I hope he empathises with you too). 
 

The time to get upset and reconsider if this is the right guy for you would be after you’ve had this calm conversation (assuming he agrees to to that going forward) if he then defaults back to not inviting you. And in this case like you say, that lack of invite might be pure scatterbrained ness, highly likely in fact. But if his scatter brained ness triggers sad insecure feelings in you he might not be the best match for you even though the love is there. 
 

Good luck navigating this. 

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54 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

I think, tell him once when you’re both calm that the combination of not being invited when he went to see this friend and seeing him get all dressed up nice for it like he would for you on date night triggered some sad and insecure feelings in you (you’re flagging that the situation upset you, not him). Ask him if, going forward, can he please invite you to things even if it’s very likely you won’t accept the invitation. It might sound silly but it’s the different between feeling included and feeling excluded. It might be good to include here that you imagine in his shoes he may have been discouraged from inviting you places because you decline or try it and don’t enjoy yourself and you understand why he would skip the invitation and go straight to catching up with friend. (Being able to empathise with your partner is really important for long term harmony. I hope he empathises with you too). 
 

The time to get upset and reconsider if this is the right guy for you would be after you’ve had this calm conversation (assuming he agrees to to that going forward) if he then defaults back to not inviting you. And in this case like you say, that lack of invite might be pure scatterbrained ness, highly likely in fact. But if his scatter brained ness triggers sad insecure feelings in you he might not be the best match for you even though the love is there. 
 

Good luck navigating this. 

Thank you so much for this response. I agree it is something to approach in a calm manner and see if we can talk this through. I just didn't know if I was being ridiculous over this and overthinking the entire situation and over reacting. I've never had a long term serious boyfriend before so this is new to me. I'm also his first serious girlfriend so I think it's new to him as well and he's not quite sure how to balance a relationship and friendships. I probably also send mixed messages because I never want to hang out with his friends. I just don't want to overreact and create an argument and I don't want him to think I'm like... Not allowing him to have friends or something. That's why I've been so upset and confused

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He met a female friend from childhood. So, what did they do? Go to a restaurant to catch-up during daytime?

For me it would be all about how often he meets a female friend and how open he is to talk about her and whether he's willing to include you in at least some of the outings. Like does he share with you if she has a boyfriend, where she works and so on? Him meeting a female friend every now and then for a catch-up is, I believe, normal. Going on a weekend get-away with her would be, in my book, definitely something I'd question.

You're not going to ditch your already established male / female friends merely because you're dating someone / have a boyfriend. You'd probably would also like some quality one on one time with them. But out of respect you'd tell your partner about them and welcome them to outings.

I'm hoping that conversing with him was productive and he's willing to include you in future get-togethers with her female friend. 🙂

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I think you should talk with him.

It's your lack of communication in the relationship and not any of his particular friends that are the issue.

You mentioned not wanting to appear insecure but you are so why are you pretending? Be more honest and let him know you'd like to meet her and invite him to tell you more about her or how they know one another. 

You picked him to be your partner, knowing his personality. Don't live in your own head or let the jealous or insecure thoughts take over. Let his intentions show for themselves and then judge whether he and you are compatible over a longer period of time.

 

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