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My Friend's girlfriend the one or not?


ben
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My friend's (Rich) Dad has been ill for sometime.  He was admitted to hospital looking very unwell.  He condition got worse and sadly on Saturday the 6th he died. 

What is odd is his girlfriend Cara who had been with Rich in the lead up seeing his dad very unwell still decided to go to a wedding that weekend.  I believe it was either her sisters or best friend wedding and she was bridesmaid but there was two other ones as well as her.  She knew he had only days to live and still decided to leave the one she says she loves to go on a three day trip to a wedding.  Worst still in less than 24 hours of his Dad dyeing she posted pictures of her at the wedding posing.  

If it was me I would have made Rich the priority and stayed with he as I know he would need me.  Unlike Cara who made him second best.

 

So I am asking am I being to protective of my mate or should she have stayed?  Is she truly in love with him or not?

 

They been together for around 7 months+.

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20 minutes ago, ben said:

If it was me I would have made Rich the priority and stayed with he as I know he would need me.  she posted pictures of her at the wedding posing.  

She didn't make him "second best". He probably told her to go ahead and go because he's a realistic guy. When she gets back she can be supportive, in addition to his friends and family.

They are not married. She is not family. They have only been dating 28 weeks. being in a wedding is a commitment and she did the right thing keeping her promise.

Why are you scanning her social media? It sounds like you are overinvolved.

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He would say that but when he called me earlier in the week you tell he was upset.  You would have thought she would have seen this to and have done more to be with him like come back earlier. 

She might not be family but if she loves him then she could be in the future so I would have put him first.  I would of with my partner.

We follow each other on social media as we went to the same college.  Her post came on my timeline. 

 

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8 minutes ago, ben said:

You would have thought she would have seen this to and have done more to be with him like come back earlier. 

She might not be family but if she loves him then she could be in the future so I would have put him first.  I would of with my partner.

We follow each other on social media as we went to the same college.  Her post came on my timeline. 

 

You need to stay away from her and judging her. You seem to have ulterior motives because your friend is fine with it and she did the right thing keeping her prior commitments. 

You are Not being a good friend trashing his GF when he's grieving. be a better friend and comfort him without your unnecessary and hurtful input.

His dad died and your concern is his GF's social media pics and going to a wedding he was ok with? You need to get your priorities in order.

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I have not said anything about her to him.  I only talked about other stuff with him.  

His been all over the place for the last month and I don't think he wanted to upset her but he clearly need her.  She could not see her man in pain because she to busy.  He saw not her priory. 

I had the same thing happen to me.  My girlfriends Mum was dying.  My mate and I were going to ibiza for his stag.  I could see my girlfriend was upset and even though she said go I had a chat with my mate to which he understood and I stayed with her.  Our relationship was 4 and a bit months old. 

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7 minutes ago, ben said:

I had the same thing happen to me.  My girlfriends Mum was dying.  My mate and I were going to ibiza for his stag.  I could see my girlfriend was upset and even though she said go I had a chat with my mate to which he understood and I stayed with her.  

Ok then stick to your own situation and stop judging them. 

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You have to look at things from her perspective also. She is a girlfriend, she is not the wife. Her sister or her best friend has a wedding. But meanwhile her boyfriends dad, in a relationship that is not that long, is sick and dying. So does she sacrifices a wedding of somebody very dear to her? Over somebody where she has no obligation and with who she maybe even wont be together in a few years(not saying they wont, its just hypothetical)? So she made a rational decision. 

Is it a bit cold to your friend that she wasnt there to console him and had fun at the wedding? Sure. But she also didnt know that the dad would die in the exact weekend. Its unfortunate circumstance. So, give her a little break. She maybe came back later and console him properly. 

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It was clear by Thursday he was unlikely to make it to the end of the weekend.  She still went.

I get your point about going to the wedding.  But could she not come back earlier?  Did she have to go to the after party? 

The worst point for me was she posted the pictures less than 24 hours after his dad died.  Could she not have waited?  

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I haven't said anything and won't.  But her behaviour not just on this occasion is odd.  I don't think she has ever gone out of her way to to anything nice for him.  But I will leave them to it but I hope he doesn't become a doormat. 

7 months is not a new relationship. 

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 It's not all about you. You need to stop making a mountain out of a molehill.  

So you don't think that's odd in anyway.  You don't think she could not have waited?

I get your view Wiseman.  You think she did nothing wrong and it was ok for him to be on his own in his darkest hour.  He should man up and get over it.  You can stop now.

She should have been more selfless. 7 months is a fair amount of time to be with someone.  I bet she would be pissed if it was the other way round.

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I think she did the right thing, minus posting about her fun weekend.

Its best that your friend finds comfort within his own family right now, not a woman he’s been dating for 7 months.

It’s also best that you keep your opinion, whatever that may be, to yourself. Don’t hold it in for months and then drop it on Rich on a late night at the bar or something. Feel your feelings, and then let them go. They will proceed however is best for them, and you having an opinion about it will only ruin your relationship with your friend.

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Looking at it from another perspective, If I was the parent, I wouldn't want a woman around me as I'm dying whom I'd just met (likely about 4 months earlier, since introductions probably hadn't happened immediately. But even 7 mths. is still not that long). 

People can console each other from a distance when necessary. I would assume that happened.

If it was a sister or best friend's wedding, she's been in their lives for many years, and more than 20 years if it's her sister. Missing a major celebration like this would be unfortunate. 

So she likely was there for him with phone calls, in person before the passing, and upon her return.

Have faith that your mate is a grown-up and has the ability to decide for himself if a woman is a good match for him or not. From what I've observed, people don't listen to unasked-for advice given about their partners, so try to let go of something you have no control over.

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Around 9 years ago my mother in law died after a long illness. I spent a lot of time with her in hospice and loved her very much.  About 6 weeks before she died we went back home about 800 miles away.  Our son was 4.  My husband continued to travel back and forth to spend time  with her and his father.  When she died he had to leave for the airport that night to go be with his father.  The funeral would be in a few days. 

He didn't want me to come then because he had to make all the arrangements, help his father.  He knew if I came to the funeral a couple of days later I'd have to fly alone with our son -which I'd never done -and would have no help once I arrived there (my parents were too elderly to be able to babysit, etc) and would have to stay at a hotel with our son for a week. 

His father said that I shouldn't attend because it would be too hard with my son - my husband said that based on what his father said he also didn't want me to go to all that significant trouble to be able to go given our son.  We also weren't sure if our son was ready to attend a funeral.  

I tell you this because I did want to go.  I did want to be there in person. And if they had asked me I would have.  But I knew I wouldn't be able to be supportive given child care and our child might be more of a disruption than a real support. 

I had one close friend who judge me for this -she said -who cares, pack up a bag tonight and go and be with your husband.  She had kids.  Obviously with a 4 year old it's not that simple to just pack a bag.

So you know there will always be those who judge.  And judge without all the information available.  I wrote a eulogy for my mother in law which my husband read.  I watched the funeral from the website.  I supported my husband when he came back and supported him by solo parenting when he had to keep returning there to help his father. 

But yet my close friend thought as a wife I was obligated to be there and should have moved mountains to be there whether or not it was going to be really hard with our young child.  It hurt that she judged me that way.  Please take that into consideration before you express your concerns to your friend or imply that he is going down the doormat path.  I don't love that she posted the photos of the wedding but social media is rife with these kind of "breaches."

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Batya I don't judge you on that.  Your Husband and child are priory 1.  I understand why you had to do what you had to do.  The point I make is my mate was on his own.  He just didn't not feel strong enough to say it in fear of upsetting her.  What I am saying is she should have seen the pain he was in and did more.  She did not make him priory 1.  What also concerns me is my mate has had a rough month with all of this.  He seems very lost.  I am worried about him but I don't think she cares as much as his mates do and this was an example of that. It worries me for the future and what impact it will have on my mate.  With the mental problems he had before,     I just don't want to lose my mate you know.

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But if my husband was a top priority I chose my son to prioritize -meaning not dragging him on a plane to a hotel and potentially to a funeral he was too young to attend.  Anyway I get it. Look your friend has to find his own words, his own backbone.  Look up the lyrics to this famous song from The Most Happy Fella -"I made a fist" about a man who discovers his backbone. 

Look your friend made a choice not to rock the boat.  I'd stay out of it unless he asks you for advice.  I once listened to a friend vent on and on about how her boyfriend was taking her for granted.  I don't remember telling her to break up with him but I validated her - that his treatment was disrespectful, uncaring, etc. 

Well he proposed she said yes and I was dumped as a friend - she very obviously didn't want to be around someone who knew all the dirty laundry.

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IMO, 7 months is still a little 'new'.  So this was her sisters wedding? If so, I'd agree that she go to the family wedding.

Not much more she could do for her bf at that time.

Sure, he may have benefited from having her around, but sometimes people are a little distant when such things are happening.  They can pull away emotionally etc. ( unsure how to react and emotionally drained).

How about you?  Are you really close to him?  Has he confided in you a bit about all of this? Or his own family/mother?   I feel that YOU could be there for him in a better sense than her.  Guys can tend to do that, favour 'venting out' to a good friend over a gf.

Anyways, people will give their own thoughts here, as I am.

Is best I think, to just be there for him as you are.  Leave whatever is going on between them.. to remain between them.

 

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No, her actions weren’t unreasonable imo, but the bigger picture here is you appear to have too much emotional investment in your friend’s relationship. They’re adults. They’ll handle it. Leave it be. 

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You are curiously over-involved in this. 

Let your friend decide what is acceptable in his own relationship. What you think she could or should have done (or not) isn't really relevant, to be very blunt. Your friend can make his own choices about where his boundaries are.

Be there for him, but resist the urge to get too invested in the outcome of their relationship.

 

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It wasn't some random work colleague or distant relative who was getting married, it was her SISTER. She had every right to attend and it probably served as a much-needed break from all the emotional stress she is under the rest of the time. You are judging her way too harshly. 

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18 hours ago, ben said:

So you don't think that's odd in anyway.  You don't think she could not have waited?

I get your view Wiseman.  You think she did nothing wrong and it was ok for him to be on his own in his darkest hour.  He should man up and get over it.  You can stop now.

She should have been more selfless. 7 months is a fair amount of time to be with someone.  I bet she would be pissed if it was the other way round.

Waited for what? It's not up to you to judge when a person says their goodbyes.  And it's now up to you to tell others how to grieve.

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

By chance are you just a little bit envious of their relationship? Or do you feel like this woman has taken your friend away from you?

She has a reputation for hurting guys who don't treat her like a princess.  She is the typical school ***.  Having seen what my mate had gone through in his life I don't want him to go there again something which I think is a possibility if she treats him like ***. 

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8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Stop and reflect on why you are so obsessed with his GF.

You are taking quotes out of context then make a stupid point.  Give it a rest wiseman.  

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