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Am I obligated to tell him everything?


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I am 26. My boyfriend is 24. We have been video chatting for 8 months after meeting at a virtual conference but I haven’t met him yet—I am flying to see him next month. We have spent hundreds of hours on call. He is very open and has only had one sexual/romantic relationship. I have had more, many of which he is aware of, but he is of a more conservative mindset when it comes to how many people someone has been with. I have never had vaginal intercourse; most of my encounters have been oral sex. In my late teens I disclosed childhood trauma for the first time and became hyper-sexual, resulting in 2 minor hookups he doesn’t know about which occurred about 8 years ago. Another one, during a second bout of trauma processing gone bad, occurred 3 years ago, was brief, and involved brief oral sex (giving) and kissing. 

 

It has taken me a long time to be more and more open with him about my past encounters. I didn’t even remember one of them until after I was done with the conversation (just great). He knows of my relationship sexual activities, and recently about another hookup which occurred 8 years ago in high school, and the discussion of that didn’t go great as he was unhappy he was finding out this late (8 months) into the relationship. He then asked me to get STI testing before my visit (which is reasonable; I made an appointment for tomorrow). He has said before that there is a limit of people someone has been with for him to want to have a relationship  but said there is no set number.

I feel at this point that the hazy-recollection hookups I chose not to disclose were so long ago, and so out of character, that they are irrelevant to my current relationship. If I test negative for STIs I will feel much better about this, though not 100%. Last night he asked who else I’d been sexual with and I said “No—I have told you my sexual history in a way that [I feel] is complete.” He seemed to accept this. It would be really difficult to explain to him over time how previous hookups are related to trauma, as he would struggle to see it that way—he would likely only see it from a practical, objective standpoint. 

 

I have lost hours of sleep over this. My days are spent ruminating, not paying attention in conversations with others because this is the only thing on my mind: the guilt, that I am lying, that I am choosing to keep those instances between me and my therapist. I am consumed by this. I have barely eaten. I just need some outside thoughts on this. I’m not looking for “leave him” comments, I just need some honest support. 

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10 minutes ago, obsessive101 said:

that I am choosing to keep those instances between me and my therapist. 

That is the only place these events and thoughts belong. Discuss the obsessions with the therapist.

Be extremely careful about someone you never met being this nosy and judgmental. You need to immediately stop the TMI with this stranger.

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As long as your past does not affect him, the past is history and none of his business.  You're under no obligation to explain everything regarding your past. 

Never divulge and disclose everything because it is unnecessary to constantly dredge up the past. 

Start anew with a clean slate.

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 You can explain in light detail but you don't have to disclose every single bit. I suggest you keep more reserve with this guy because you have never met. Your videos, text messages, etc can be put on public display leaving you very vulnerable. better cool it. 

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1 hour ago, obsessive101 said:

I have lost hours of sleep over this. My days are spent ruminating, not paying attention in conversations with others because this is the only thing on my mind: the guilt, that I am lying, that I am choosing to keep those instances between me and my therapist. I am consumed by this. I have barely eaten.

Something is really off here, OP. 

It isn't healthy that you are so torn up over things that are none of his business, for a man you have never met before. 

I would not consider yourself in a committed relationship with this person. You two don't know each other on any significant level. Chatting online or via phone is just not the same as spending time together in person, and you're already spinning in circles. You and he have put the cart before the horse by deciding that you are a couple without having ever even laid eyes on each other offline. 

This is just not what the basis of a good relaitonship looks like. I would strongly encourage you to reconsider this whole arrangement. It's got red flags all over it. 

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1 hour ago, obsessive101 said:

I am flying to see him next month. . He then asked me to get STI testing before my visit. Last night he asked who else I’d been sexual with

You need to cancel the trip. He plans to force you into sex. Your anxiety is telling you this a dangerous and you need to back out..

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I'm sure this is not what you want to hear, but when the subject of sex is brought up along with not meeting yet is a major red flag, as well as giving you a picture of what he's all about.  Keep in mind that he's still a stranger, despite communicating online for a long period of time.

I'd give this more thought, and be totally honest with yourself.

 

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He’s asked for a run through of all your specific encounters!? HUGE RED FLAG.

Your past is yours and you do not owe it to anyone. If you want to share, then great, but that is your choice and you shouldn’t feel bad for one second.

When my husband and I first discussed our history, he asked if I was more in the 15-20 range or more like 45-50 range, talking about number of people. I replied with the truth: 15-20 range. He said “cool, me too.” And that was that. Stories have come up on occasion since then, but in the moment, it was my/his choice to share, not an obligation.

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3 hours ago, obsessive101 said:

I have lost hours of sleep over this. My days are spent ruminating, not paying attention in conversations with others because this is the only thing on my mind: the guilt, that I am lying, that I am choosing to keep those instances between me and my therapist. I am consumed by this. I have barely eaten. I just need some outside thoughts on this. I’m not looking for “leave him” comments, I just need some honest support. 

The man who is right for you won't induce these toxic emotions within you. 

And you're dealing with a possibly dangerous situation. Read some articles on sex trafficking. 

Your self-worth is extremely low, considering your allowance of someone who makes you feel "less than." Subconsciously, that's who you think you deserve--someone who grills you about every detail about your sexual past. This is not normal. In case you don't know what normal is, it's when you find out, in general, about a person's relationship history, such as, "I dated someone for two years, but we grew apart."

This just tells you if a person is capable of a long term relationship or not, since if a 30 year old said they had relationships that never lasted more than 2 months, you could expect the same for your relationship.

Why have you chosen the hardest type of relationship there is, and you're the one spending the money to go his way? What does your family and friends think of him and your plans? 

 

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Your past his none of his business and he has no right to know anything other than what you wish or don’t wish to disclose. You haven’t even met yet. At this point all you are to each other is a fantasy/idea. Him getting upset and requiring you to get tested is completely out of bounds and unreasonable. Big red flag. 

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Please consider him to be a stranger for romantic purposes and safety purposes.  If you must meet him get a hotel, do not tell him where it is, meet him in a public place for an hour or two during the day with no alcohol and arrange for your own transportation there and back Then repeat this if you have a nice time -all public -and do this at least 3 times over more than 3 days.  At that point if you are getting good vibes then if you want to spend a bit more time with him fine - plan for another trip within a month maybe where he visits you and again gets his own hotel room -spend some more time with him, let him meet maybe a family member or friend.  

If this is not something you can do then don't meet him at all.  If he is not ok with dating you properly in public over time, do not meet him at all.  Your typing and talking are irrelevant here - he is a stranger.

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Unfortunately, this expectation of you to disclose your most intimate and private past sounds sick and abusive--and that's without even meeting him. 

You don't owe this man anything.

You've joined in an unhealthy fantasy that already has him emotionally torturing you with unreasonable and offensive demands.

I don't use the word 'sick' lightly, and I hope you will reconsider putting yourself in harm's way to meet him.

You will thank yourself for snapping out of this and allowing your intelligence to direct you to research the many reasons you should not engage with this person any further. 

He is not safe.

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6 hours ago, Andrina said:

Your self-worth is extremely low, considering your allowance of someone who makes you feel "less than." Subconsciously, that's who you think you deserve--someone who grills you about every detail about your sexual past. This is not normal. In case you don't know what normal is, it's when you find out, in general, about a person's relationship history, such as, "I dated someone for two years, but we grew apart."

I agree with this and many other replies.

He really should NOT be concerned at all on what YOU did 8 years ago! fps 😕 .

Your past is just that ... your past!

No, you should not be all worked up over this sort of thing - fears embedded already? 😞 

Like some others have said, you haven't even met this guy yet.  And you feel such huge pressures and you don't owe him all of this crap over your sexual past.

Please see this.  And do reconsider what you're putting yourself through - for a guy you've spoken to only and have yet to meet.

So, calm down okay.. deep breathes ( seriously).  Don't go ruining yourself over HIM.

IF you cannot feel yourself, re-look this whole aspect.  TC of You ❤️ 

 

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I've had experience of a partner wanting to know all the details of my past. I told him and it was then held over me, like a bat to hit me with every time we had a row.

This guy you've yet to meet could be controlling, aggressive or jealous. Asking you to get tested for STIs indicates he expects to have sex with you on your brief visit. My suggestion mirrors what others have basically said: DON'T! 

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For your own sake I suggest you pull back a bit as well and don't share too much about yourself. I too had an online relationship for about half a year. I thought it was going to end great, I mean we were constantly FaceTiming and calling. What could go wrong. 

The person I met was nothing like the man he pretended to be. I'm still bitter about being misled. But I learned a big lesson😂

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Just wondering, why were you telling him such specifics about your sexual history? Like, the exact number of times, what you did, how many years ago. Is it because he was asking you all this, or because you just decided to tell him? If he was asking you then I actually think that's out of line and not normal.

The number of people someone hooks up with is different from person to person.  Just because someone hooked up with only one person and someone hooked up with ten people or whatever, doesn't make the person who hooked up more bad. 

At 26 years old I think it would have been fine if you've slept with a number of guys. If your boyfriend for example was actually a virgin because he was waiting for marriage but you weren't a virgin, that's different. However he's not actually a virgin. Just because he happens to have been with only one person doesn't mean he should think less of you because you've been with a few more people.

Also that's not helpful to say that he has a limit but there's not set number. What does that even mean? Now you're stressing out because you're thinking, "what if the number of people I've been with is beyond his limit?" "What if he won't want to be with me?" Why should you have to defend yourself or prove anything? You're an adult woman, who hooked up with some guys, so what.

I wonder if your "boyfriend" had more opportunities to sleep with more women whether he'd have done it and thought nothing of it. Yet he's making you feel bad.

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On 8/18/2022 at 3:10 PM, obsessive101 said:

He then asked me to get STI testing before my visit (which is reasonable; I made an appointment for tomorrow). 
 

Why would you think this would be reasonable?

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1 hour ago, waffle said:

Why would you think this would be reasonable?

Agree with this question.  If he has asked that of you know he is not looking for a relationship as any priority - his priority is to meet you and have sex with you.

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