Awkward with people at work

[Alex39]

So I like my job and what I do. I work in a department within a company,  but I work solely with my one supervisor in a two person team, her and I. 

She and I get along great. 

I get along well with others in my department, close friends with a few. But I'm quite shy overall and I am awkward around people that are older than me.

Most of the people at my work are double my age, married, kids. Some have grown children.  I'm 30. And they are so outgoing, social, funny. I'm so awkward around them. I feel intimidated. I feel like I don't fit in, this young, single, inexperienced 30 year old. 

My supervisor and I are in a group, separate from our immediate department,  it's company wide, with about 10 people who are administrators like us. We all hail from different departments and get together once a month to talk about our administrative work across the company. 

Once a year, one of them hosts a big party for the 10 of us at their home. Food, swimming, casual fun. In 4 years, I've never gone. But now I've decided I need to go and try to socialize. But I know I will be so awkward. They all laugh and joke. They talk about their kids and lives. I'm 30, alone, and don't have much going on. 

I feel like I should go to be social and show I care. But I feel so uncomfortable going. Like I'm not wanted, I'm awkward. I don't know how to navigate this. I'm trying. Every year I make an excuse that I can't go. It's not required. But I feel I should go. 

 

I think too,I have this idea in my head, that if I am going to socialize, I want to socialize with my friends. My young girl friends. These people aren't my friends. I see them as professional colleagues. I'd rather be partying with my actual young friends. These people love to socialize because they are boggled down by kids, work, responsibilities.  So they love getting together for a break. The "This is heaven being away from the wife and kids" thing. But for me, I don't feel that way at all. 

This party is all outside, but I'm also worried about getting covid too. It's spreading more easily now and I have a bunch of events coming up that I really want to go to. 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

Don't be scared.  They're just people at different stages in their lives than yours.

When I was a newbie at my corporation, the  majority of colleagues were double or triple my age.  At first, I too felt awkward but once I grew to know them better, I really enjoyed their company.  They were intelligently humorous, had pearls of wisdom galore, I learned a lot from them, even swapped recipes (!) with them, listened to their 'good ol' days' stories, some sad stories and just enjoyed listening to them. 

It won't be awkward for you to step outside yourself.  Instead of feeling uncomfortable, ask them a lot of questions and whenever you let people talk a lot while you listen, they enjoy your company all the more. 

Go to the party because it's good for company morale and in a relaxing atmosphere, people can focus on having a good time instead of working. 

Someday, it will be your turn when you're older, there will be younger people than you.  You'll remember how you were while you keep the next generation's mind at ease.  No need to fret.

You can still have your set of friends during other times. 

 

[Kwothe28]

I think you should go. And that its just anxiety talking and preventing you to do it. Yes, your colleagues are older and have families. That doesnt mean you cant socialize with them. Do you have themes to talk only with younger people? Ofcourse you can talk and socialize with older folks too. Besides, you can always make up some excuse and leave early if you dont like it.

Also, maybe its a bit silly to say, but how do you expect to advance in career? Do you think only your job performance matters? Not saying they are like that, but you just not showing up to socialize could be construed as you not being a team player. You going however, could be a nice opportunity for them to get to know you. And you to get to know them. Which in turn would make things easier work-wise.

[Cherylyn]

Your colleagues have friends and family outside work.  Think of this off-work social event as a good networking opportunity for your future.  Keep your ears open. 

My jobs were obtained from whom I knew outside work.  In my family tree, jobs were attained from connections.  People have friends and family.  You never know when you'll need them someday.  Keep everyone in your back pocket just in case. 

I have friends who are employed due to their friend's friends, church brethren and even got a job through kids' birthday parties and golf games.

My late FIL (father-in-law) never applied for jobs in his entire career.  He always had jobs lined up from his numerous connections. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

In 4 years, I've never gone.

Since you have declined before, you can simply decline again. You don't have fun, which is supposed to be the point, so why go?

[Blue_Skirt]

If you don’t feel like going, it is fine in my view to decline.

At work, I have always tried to keep work and private somewhat separate. People would know whether I was in a relationship or not, or I would talk generally about things I did during the weekend or vacation. But for me work is work.

I have always been fine with company gatherings / events at a restaurant or so, but I don’t like going to a party at a colleagues’ home. I never invited a group of colleagues over to my home, because my home is kind of sacred to me and I only invite people that I really like and I don’t want to feel some moral obligation to have parties at my home because an other colleague is inviting people to his home.

Another thing I personally don’t feel comfortable about, is wearing a bathing suit / bikini around colleagues and I don’t want to see colleagues in bathing suits either, because you can’t unsee things.

So I think it is really up to you.

[Alex39]

50 minutes ago, Blue_Skirt said:

If you don’t feel like going, it is fine in my view to decline.

At work, I have always tried to keep work and private somewhat separate. People would know whether I was in a relationship or not, or I would talk generally about things I did during the weekend or vacation. But for me work is work.

I have always been fine with company gatherings / events at a restaurant or so, but I don’t like going to a party at a colleagues’ home. I never invited a group of colleagues over to my home, because my home is kind of sacred to me and I only invite people that I really like and I don’t want to feel some moral obligation to have parties at my home because an other colleague is inviting people to his home.

Another thing I personally don’t feel comfortable about, is wearing a bathing suit / bikini around colleagues and I don’t want to see colleagues in bathing suits either, because you can’t unsee things.

So I think it is really up to you.

This is exactly how I feel. I like keeping my personal and work life separate. I don't like drinking alcohol around colleagues, because I feel I should be professional.  I don't feel comfortable wearing a bathing suit. I don't find it appropriate.  I have a few work friends who I am good friends with. I even vacationed with them. But I would never invite these people to my home. I don't feel comfortable with that. 

I do feel though that if I decline, I look like I don't want to be friends with them. And that I am not a team player. 

 

But like you said, my home is my safe spot. My sacred personal view of me. I feel that way of going to others homes. I am not super close to these people. They don't care about me, but maybe because I don't care about them. I do have anxiety and I do keep to myself a lot. 

[Blue_Skirt]

18 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I do feel though that if I decline, I look like I don't want to be friends with them. And that I am not a team player. 

You don’t have to be friends with colleagues, just be kind and respectful at work and leave it at that.

Going or not going to a colleagues’ private home to attend a party has nothing to do with being a team player or not. Being a team player should happen at the work place or at a gathering organized by the company.

[greendots]

Does your boss (or whoever makes the big decisions) value that you attend such events, that you socialize with colleagues? If yes, then I'd make an appearance. Socialize by asking them questions about their kids or whatever they like to talk about and then leave as soon as appropriate.

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, greendots said:

Does your boss (or whoever makes the big decisions) value that you attend such events, that you socialize with colleagues? If yes, then I'd make an appearance. Socialize by asking them questions about their kids or whatever they like to talk about and then leave as soon as appropriate.

Yes this. Order seltzer with cranberry juice and a twist of lime so it looks like a drink.  If you have to wear a bathing suit wear a coverup.  Promise yourself you will talk to at least 5 people. Leave as soon as it's ok and appropriate to leave. 

I went to an unsafe covid-wise event last month at my office because it was a really important retirement related event and showing up meant a lot to the person retiring. I was seen, I made sure I spoke to a number of people, and I stayed for the most important part. 

My reasons for not wanting to go was the time it would take to get there but mostly I was concerned about covid and felt awkward as it was my first time in person since 2020.  I am so thrilled I went.  I met some very nice and very very important people, reconnected with others and the person retiring really appreciated that I came even though well over 100 people were there. 

[jul-els]

I know the feeling very well. I’ve always gone out of loyalty/obligation/being a team player. It’s always been hit or miss for me. Sometimes, I’ve had a really good time, other times I was bored. More often the latter, but the way I look at it, they’re feeding me while I’m there, they pay my salary, one evening isn’t going to break me. But that’s my take. Bottom line is you’re not obligated and if you don’t want to go, you’re completely free to respectfully decline. 

[Alex39]

I ended up going and having a really pleasant time. I always psych myself out and get lazy, but I go and have a good time