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Wife watches porn, low sex drive with me


worked
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Not even sure where to begin. Going to try to keep this as brief as possible. 2020 was a tough year for my Wife and I. Long story short, she cheated on me with an ex over the course of 8-10 months. I found out by digging through her phone after reading a similar story online. We worked on it and I asked for the very best she can offer me, sex, attention, love, all of it. Fast forward 2 years later and I’m still ultimately begging for sex, maybe once a week if I’m lucky. I very recently came to find out a friend of hers from work is sending her very suggestive messages on Instagram and that she watches porn (chrome history). We’ve talked about watching together, but she never got into it. I’ve purchased her very sexy lingerie, but has only worn one of them once after I basically gave her a giant guilt trip.

What do you recommend I do here? I was upset today but didn’t tell her why, she deleted her browser history so I’m thinking she might know why I’m upset. I feel like I’ve lost apart of myself and my ego since she cheated on me. Hurting pretty good the past 2 years. Keep in mind, we have 2 toddlers. Thanks for reading.

 

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I am sorry, but divorce seems to be a realistic option. She not only cheated, she doesnt makes an effort to make the marriage works. Not only that she neglects you sexually, she also watches porn and has no problem with flirting or even probably cheating again with the colleague. That means that she checked out a long time ago. No ammount of you trying to save it, wont do the trick. She needs to be willing to make an effort herself. Buy her own sexy lingerie and surprise you. If you need to beg her for sex while she watches porn and offers it to a colleague, then she is the problem there. As that means she has a healthy sex drive. But just wont do it with you. So, I am sorry, but its better to divorce then to suffer with somebody like that. 

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This is really not about porn. 

It's about her affair and continued inappropriate behaviour with others. It sounds as though she has lost interest in the marriage and is mostly just going through the motions with you. 

It's time to really reconsider the long-term viability of this marriage, and whether it has run its course and needs to end. I'm sorry, OP. 

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9 hours ago, worked said:

 we have 2 toddlers. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been married? How old is she? When did your sex life begin to suffer?

Why are you digging through her phone and browser history?

The problem isn't as simple as buying her lingerie. If you want to stay married, you'll need to get help from a marriage therapist. 

The real issue seems to be a lack of intimacy and attraction toward you. 

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5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This is really not about porn. 

It's about her affair and continued inappropriate behaviour with others. It sounds as though she has lost interest in the marriage and is mostly just going through the motions with you. 

It's time to really reconsider the long-term viability of this marriage, and whether it has run its course and needs to end. I'm sorry, OP. 

Yes, I thought so too immediately.  The porn is the least of it - is it just that it's easier for you to label the issue that way instead of what's really going on here? I'm sorry too!!

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Sex or the lack thereof is a barometer of the health of the relationship as a whole. 

Focusing on her having sex with someone else, not with you, keeping score, porn and lingerie are all symptoms of something larger. 

Not addressing what is happening outside of the bedroom is where you totally miss the mark.

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There are times when a couple can rebuild a marriage after an affair, as in when it's a wake up call about why it happened, what needs to be done in the marriage to build a healthy one, what behavior to avoid so that cheating never happens again, and a love that's treasured so much that you regret almost losing something so wonderful.

I'm surprised she had the time and energy to engage in an affair with two tiny children to attend to. And now, she obviously doesn't care that you're sexually unfulfilled nor does she fear losing you, since she allows flirty messages from another man.

Have you ever asked what she wants from you, or has she ever suggested what would make her happier in your union? If not, she doesn't want it to work and hopes you'll get so fed up that you'll pull the plug so she doesn't have to deal with your drama if she did it, instead.

If she refuses marital counseling, or even if she went but still made no effort to build an emotional connection with you, then you shouldn't live an unfulfilling life.

Many people have first marriages that don't work and have a chance at a better life in chapter two. I'm one of them.

Good luck and keep us updated.

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