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Thinking about an high school crush


Shycarrot
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Hello, 

 

I am not sure what I expect posting this thread. But I guess it's only human to get sometimes a bit nostalgic about the past 😅 So maybe, you'll understand me and give me your wise perspective 🙂 

It's quite simple.

I had a crush in high school that I am pretty sure was mutual (I caught him looking at me a lot, he subtly tried to sit next to me, was really nervous around me... I also found out he rated me the most attractive of my female classmates, because they made a stupid "ranking" ...). We were very shy at the time and I had many personal issues in my teenage years so no one made a move 

We lost touch completely when we entered college and I spent a good 10 years not thinking about him. I have had several boyfriends and started dating on and off. I even moved in a different city 3 years ago for my studies and he barely crossed my mind 

But now, memories from high school keep flooding back and I find myself stalking him on social medias, which I haven't done in ages 🥲

I think it's due to the fact that :

1. I returned to my hometown a few months ago

2. one of my close friend from high school randomly mentioned this guy because she ran into him at a party last winter. I think he has common friends with her brother 

3. my best friend in high school didn't like him for stupid reasons in hindsight. I was probably influenced and I lost touch with him partially because she thought he was not a good person. Now that I am not friend with her anymore and that my critical sense has evolved (for the better), I wonder if she was not too quick to judge 

We're still friends on Facebook so I know he lives in the same city. I have no idea if he's dating anyone. 

So here I am, thinking about a guy I haven't talked in a decade wondering what he is doing and if we would get along. It's pathetic 😅

Should I just get my act together and move on ? 

In the other hand, I know I can confide in my friend. Maybe she can talk to her brother and organize an event in which he'll be invited ? (obviously, her brother doesn't have to know)

I don't know ... Maybe I am going too far. But I feel like the easiest way to burst my bubble and to get rid of this fantasy is to meet the guy. 

Any thoughts are appreciated 🙂

Please don't be harsh, I know the whole thing is immature 

 

 

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I don't think it's immature. You seem like a thoughtful person with some thought process behind your actions and aren't acting impulsively, affecting others. It's natural to get nostalgic now and then. A similar thing happened to me after university years when an old highschool crush contacted me and we did meet up. So what is the harm in it? Send him a brief message and let him know you were looking at an old yearbook or something or some old photos and wanted to reach out. He can choose to ignore your message, block you, reply and/or meet with you if you both start chatting again. 

Remember that you started off with the same roots and as classmates. It's not such a big deal. Send him a message and say hello.

What not to do: no more stalking.

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Just want to echo Rose in saying: nothing about this is immature or pathetic, but simply human. 

Sounds like you’ve got a lot of insight into why this is stirring now, to which I’ll add, based on your previous post: that it’s not uncommon to get a little wistful about past crushes, especially those from more formative and innocent times, when dating in the present has been less than nourishing. 

Which isn’t to diagnosis this as anything “wrong.” Me, in your shoes—and I’ve been in them!—I’d shoot him a note and see about a coffee or a glass of wine. I mean, why not? Maybe he replies, maybe not, but all good either way. What I wouldn’t do is back channel through a friend, as that often creates knots that don’t need to be created. 

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30 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

We're still friends on Facebook

 Catch up on FB. Nothing wrong with liking a few posts or sending a DM. You have a connecter saying that you were recently home, etc. Get on his radar.

Don't just creep his social media use it as it's intended, a tool to stay connected, in touch. Don't plan elaborate casual meetings with third parties. Too messy.

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I think you are playing "What would be if it happened" scenarios. Meaning that you have regrets about not happening before, and now in absence of other prospects, you are playing scenarios from the past. He is not the same guy from 10 years ago as you are not the same girl from 10 years ago. You maybe not like him, maybe he is not interested, maybe even has somebody. 

But I am not against reaching out. Shoot him a message on Facebook. Who knows? Maybe you connect better now then before. 

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I'm married and my married camp boyfriend from the 1970s (he wasn't married then -we were 11!) reached out some years ago and once in awhile we chat on FB.  Completely harmless.  He sent me a camp photo of us from way back when which was so cute.  It's been fun keeping in touch and he gave me some helpful info re: an activity to try with my son

 

I would do no third party involvement either -just message him and you'll see what happens

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This one and only friend I dated for 4 months contacted me on FB after 14 years.  We are married now with two kids and two pups, and he's the love of my life.  Just share a memory of something or friend running into this, and you thought of him, how you doing? I'm back in town. Wanna grab some coffee and catch up?

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On 8/17/2022 at 7:19 PM, Rose Mosse said:

 Send him a brief message and let him know you were looking at an old yearbook or something or some old photos and wanted to reach out. He can choose to ignore your message, block you, reply and/or meet with you if you both start chatting again. 

Thank you 🙂 

What keeps me from sending that message is a cringe-worthy story 😅 

Back in highschool, I was very naive and mushy/romantic. I remember I told a "friend" I believed this guy was  "the love of my life" (🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️) and she stupidly repeated him my secret. One of my true friend who witnessed the scene was sorry, and told me he blushed 

Anyway, I was so mortified that I avoided him like the plague for the remaining months... 😅 That was the last year of high school

Gosh, I really hope he doesn't remember that 

I am just scared he'll think that I am overly creepy or that I am trying to fulfill a prophecy 😂

On 8/17/2022 at 7:32 PM, bluecastle said:

Sounds like you’ve got a lot of insight into why this is stirring now, to which I’ll add, based on your previous post: that it’s not uncommon to get a little wistful about past crushes, especially those from more formative and innocent times, when dating in the present has been less than nourishing. 

Which isn’t to diagnosis this as anything “wrong.” Me, in your shoes—and I’ve been in them!—I’d shoot him a note and see about a coffee or a glass of wine. I mean, why not? Maybe he replies, maybe not, but all good either way. What I wouldn’t do is back channel through a friend, as that often creates knots that don’t need to be created. 

Thank you for reassuring me 🙂 Yes, I also think it has something to do with the fact that dating has not been fruitful for a few years now

Like I said, when I had someone in my life, I didn't think of him. So you're right to point that out 

On 8/17/2022 at 7:43 PM, Wiseman2 said:

 Catch up on FB. Nothing wrong with liking a few posts or sending a DM. You have a connecter saying that you were recently home, etc. Get on his radar.

Don't just creep his social media use it as it's intended, a tool to stay connected, in touch. Don't plan elaborate casual meetings with third parties. Too messy.

Thank you 🙂 

It seems like none of you think it's a good idea to involve a third party to try to see him. Yet, it is way less intimidating 

How messy could it be ? I guess there's a way to do that subtly ? (maybe I am wrong) 

21 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm married and my married camp boyfriend from the 1970s (he wasn't married then -we were 11!) reached out some years ago and once in awhile we chat on FB.  Completely harmless.  He sent me a camp photo of us from way back when which was so cute.  It's been fun keeping in touch and he gave me some helpful info re: an activity to try with my son

Thank you for your insight 🙂 

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Yeah, when you're not happy in the present, one often looks to the past to find it there. That's easier to visualize, than thinking of an unknown future.

IMO, it's not the right to time to contact him, since you would be coming from a place of uneasiness and vulnerability. How about tabling that for now, and get fully established in your new/old digs. Since you're looking to date, join meet up groups. Tell your friends there that you're looking to expand your friendship circle, and that if they hear of parties where you would be welcome to join, to let you know. You never know--you might bump into him when out and about. You could also start a new hobby. Maybe take dance lessons.

If you do ever end up in a dating situation with him, see it as the same as starting something with a stranger. I'm sure you're not the same person as you were a decade ago, and he isn't either. Don't move things fast, assuming this was meant to be, or that you can move faster since you have a history. That would be a mistake.

You might not even be attracted to him anymore. My brother was FB friends with the bf I had when I was a teen. My brother told me to look at the guy's photo, and I wouldn't have been able to pick him out of a crowd as someone I'd dated, since he looked so different. He hadn't aged well.

I hope you make a good life for yourself in your hometown. Good luck.

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5 hours ago, Andrina said:

Yeah, when you're not happy in the present, one often looks to the past to find it there. That's easier to visualize, than thinking of an unknown future.

IMO, it's not the right to time to contact him, since you would be coming from a place of uneasiness and vulnerability. How about tabling that for now, and get fully established in your new/old digs. Since you're looking to date, join meet up groups. Tell your friends there that you're looking to expand your friendship circle, and that if they hear of parties where you would be welcome to join, to let you know. You never know--you might bump into him when out and about. You could also start a new hobby. Maybe take dance lessons.

If you do ever end up in a dating situation with him, see it as the same as starting something with a stranger. I'm sure you're not the same person as you were a decade ago, and he isn't either. Don't move things fast, assuming this was meant to be, or that you can move faster since you have a history. That would be a mistake.

You might not even be attracted to him anymore. My brother was FB friends with the bf I had when I was a teen. My brother told me to look at the guy's photo, and I wouldn't have been able to pick him out of a crowd as someone I'd dated, since he looked so different. He hadn't aged well.

I hope you make a good life for yourself in your hometown. Good luck.

Thank you for your reply 

 

It's funny you mention dance lessons because that's what I am doing 🙂 

Also, I joined a friendship app a few weeks ago and I ended up meeting greats girls with whom I still hang out 😇 So there's that, I enjoy life and I am not alone 🙂

I live in a large city so it's very unlikely that I run into him though  

Regarded to the bolded part, you have made a valid point, thank you 

It's true that I have to stay lucid and be open to any possibility. However, I don't feel like I am putting him on a pedestal 

I didn't even know him that well back then, so I don't really know what to expect regarding his personality 

I am just very curious 😅

 

 

 

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16 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

Regarded to the bolded part, you have made a valid point, thank you 

It's true that I have to stay lucid and be open to any possibility. However, I don't feel like I am putting him on a pedestal 

You may not be putting him on a pedestal per se, but you are definitely focusing a lot of attention on him. It's not the same thing, but it is similar in the sense that (as Andrina has pointed out) it has made you uneasy and vulnerable. I agree with her that this makes it a bad time to contact him.

It's natural to be curious, and I think you should keep an eye on the situation, watch for your 'moment.' But until then I think it's good that you are also making an effort to focus on other things.

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On 8/19/2022 at 10:42 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Is there a highschool reunion coming up? Check on FB or something like classmates. Perhaps organize one.  You'll probably run into him some time. If you would rather wait that's fine. 

Sadly, we don't have a high school reunion in my country 😅 I guess it's one of those time where I have to be proactive if I want something 

On 8/20/2022 at 3:45 PM, Jibralta said:

You may not be putting him on a pedestal per se, but you are definitely focusing a lot of attention on him. It's not the same thing, but it is similar in the sense that (as Andrina has pointed out) it has made you uneasy and vulnerable. I agree with her that this makes it a bad time to contact him.

It's natural to be curious, and I think you should keep an eye on the situation, watch for your 'moment.' But until then I think it's good that you are also making an effort to focus on other things.

Thank you for your insight 

But I am not sure I understand correctly ? 

If I wait, there's a good chance that this fleeting nostalgia will just subside. I think it's a black or white situation :

Either I think about him, either I am just too busy in my own life for him to even cross my mind, like it was the case for all those years 

So I don't think there will be a "moment" but maybe I misunderstood 

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I don't think it's black and white.  Last night a distant cousin who I was friendly with as a teenager/early 20s (he's my age) reached out to me on Facebook -we're facebook friends but recently and exchanged some messages and family photos a couple of months ago.

He'd been going through old photos and sent me one from the early 80s -we were at our cousin's formal event.  It was a table photo and the only reason I was in that photo is I ended up spending my time at the event with him instead of my family. Because I had a crush on him!  I am standing next to him in the photo and it brought back memories of course!

I focused on those memories some, chuckled at how different he looks 40 years later or so (ok so do I), showed the photo to my husband and son (son said I looked bad-__ss" LOL) and filed away the little smile it brought to me.  It's fun and great to think about that high school crush I had on him.  We wrote snail mail letters to each other too for a couple of months back then.  And we're both happily married.  I bet we'd have a good conversation now too and I think it's highly unlikely I'd have anything resembling a crush on him even if we were both single.

  It's all about extent of focus, why the focus and what the goal is - not black and white at all.  

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On 8/18/2022 at 12:50 PM, Shycarrot said:

Thank you 🙂 

What keeps me from sending that message is a cringe-worthy story 😅 

Back in highschool, I was very naive and mushy/romantic. I remember I told a "friend" I believed this guy was  "the love of my life" (🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️) and she stupidly repeated him my secret. One of my true friend who witnessed the scene was sorry, and told me he blushed 

Anyway, I was so mortified that I avoided him like the plague for the remaining months... 😅 That was the last year of high school

Gosh, I really hope he doesn't remember that 

I am just scared he'll think that I am overly creepy or that I am trying to fulfill a prophecy 😂

Thank you for reassuring me 🙂 Yes, I also think it has something to do with the fact that dating has not been fruitful for a few years now

Like I said, when I had someone in my life, I didn't think of him. So you're right to point that out 

Thank you 🙂 

It seems like none of you think it's a good idea to involve a third party to try to see him. Yet, it is way less intimidating 

How messy could it be ? I guess there's a way to do that subtly ? (maybe I am wrong) 

Thank you for your insight 🙂 

Respectfully, I think you’re overthinking it. That was years ago and someone else whispered it in his ear. We’ve all had cringeworthy moments in high school. Haven’t you moved past that by now? You’re both in a different part of your lives.

Anyway it’s up to you. Don’t live in a fantasy world. If you’re wondering about him as an old friend or someone you used to know then reach out. If you’re going to keep making excuses or feel too scared to do it, shut the door on this and move on with life. Don’t stay stuck in this limbo.

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On 8/22/2022 at 1:05 PM, Batya33 said:

I don't think it's black and white.  Last night a distant cousin who I was friendly with as a teenager/early 20s (he's my age) reached out to me on Facebook -we're facebook friends but recently and exchanged some messages and family photos a couple of months ago.

He'd been going through old photos and sent me one from the early 80s -we were at our cousin's formal event.  It was a table photo and the only reason I was in that photo is I ended up spending my time at the event with him instead of my family. Because I had a crush on him!  I am standing next to him in the photo and it brought back memories of course!

I focused on those memories some, chuckled at how different he looks 40 years later or so (ok so do I), showed the photo to my husband and son (son said I looked bad-__ss" LOL) and filed away the little smile it brought to me.  It's fun and great to think about that high school crush I had on him.  We wrote snail mail letters to each other too for a couple of months back then.  And we're both happily married.  I bet we'd have a good conversation now too and I think it's highly unlikely I'd have anything resembling a crush on him even if we were both single.

  It's all about extent of focus, why the focus and what the goal is - not black and white at all.  

Thank you for your perspective, I am happy you got in touch with this man 🙂 

And you're right, I should manage my expectations and keep a light touch if I contact him. 

I am using dating apps so if he does not reply or if it doesn't work out then way I want, there are plenty of (hopefully good) guys that I can date. I won't be too disappointed, I mean 

On 8/22/2022 at 1:14 PM, Jibralta said:

Are you saying that you will lose your chance forever if you don't go for him right now?

Not really 

What I was saying was that If I waited, there was a fair chance that my interest for him would vanish

On 8/22/2022 at 3:15 PM, Rose Mosse said:

Respectfully, I think you’re overthinking it. That was years ago and someone else whispered it in his ear. We’ve all had cringeworthy moments in high school. Haven’t you moved past that by now? You’re both in a different part of your lives.

Anyway it’s up to you. Don’t live in a fantasy world. If you’re wondering about him as an old friend or someone you used to know then reach out. If you’re going to keep making excuses or feel too scared to do it, shut the door on this and move on with life. Don’t stay stuck in this limbo.

That's exactly what I needed to hear, thank you 😅

I know I have a tendency to overthink and worry too much 

"f you’re wondering about him as an old friend or someone you used to know then reach out. If you’re going to keep making excuses or feel too scared to do it, shut the door on this and move on with life. Don’t stay stuck in this limbo."

Yeah, I couldn't agree more ... I will probably contact him this week

I have nothing to lose after all 

 

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A few years ago I got a message from a guy who I, um, performed a favor of the oral persuasion on when we were in high school. Talk about potentially awkward!! But we did get together for a drink. Neither of us mentioned our encounter. We just had a nice chat. He's married and living across the country so it was never going to be a dating situation. Plus I wasn't interested in dating him even if he'd been single. But high school was such a long time ago. It didn't matter to either of us. So I wouldn't worry about what you and your friend said. He'll either have forgotten about it or you'll have a good laugh about it.

I would definitely temper any hopes or expectations, however. If he doesn't respond don't allow it to upset you.

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28 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

I will probably contact him this week. I have nothing to lose after all 

Exactly. This is what social media is for. As long as you're thinking of reconnecting as old friends, no big deal. Saying hi or liking a few posts on social media is not a marriage proposal so relax and catch up.

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58 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

I am using dating apps so if he does not reply or if it doesn't work out then way I want, there are plenty of (hopefully good) guys that I can date. I won't be too disappointed, I mean 

I wouldn't think of it in this way at all.  This has nothing to do with dating.  You're contacting a former classmate you had a crush on.  I'd reevaulate your expectations. What would I expect? Literally nothing.  He might never check his messages, or he might read it quickly and not remember who you are, etc. If you're contacting him as a potential option of someone to date I wouldn't contact him or at least not with the "well there are other fish in the sea".  He's not one of the fish.

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On 8/23/2022 at 2:10 PM, Shycarrot said:

Thank you for your perspective, I am happy you got in touch with this man 🙂 

And you're right, I should manage my expectations and keep a light touch if I contact him. 

I am using dating apps so if he does not reply or if it doesn't work out then way I want, there are plenty of (hopefully good) guys that I can date. I won't be too disappointed, I mean 

Not really 

What I was saying was that If I waited, there was a fair chance that my interest for him would vanish

That's exactly what I needed to hear, thank you 😅

I know I have a tendency to overthink and worry too much 

"f you’re wondering about him as an old friend or someone you used to know then reach out. If you’re going to keep making excuses or feel too scared to do it, shut the door on this and move on with life. Don’t stay stuck in this limbo."

Yeah, I couldn't agree more ... I will probably contact him this week

I have nothing to lose after all 

 

Did you speak with him? Good luck! Life is too short for what ifs.

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On 8/29/2022 at 3:39 AM, Rose Mosse said:

Did you speak with him? Good luck! Life is too short for what ifs.

It's so nice of you to ask, thank you !! 🙂 

Well, I made some new female friends through an app and we had such a great time hanging out last week that I almost forgot about this guy 

On the bright side, I guess that means I am not that obsessed about him, am I ? 🙂 

But don't worry, I'll still think about it an let you know what I decide 🙂 

 

On 8/24/2022 at 12:12 AM, Batya33 said:

I wouldn't think of it in this way at all.  This has nothing to do with dating.  You're contacting a former classmate you had a crush on.  I'd reevaulate your expectations. What would I expect? Literally nothing.  He might never check his messages, or he might read it quickly and not remember who you are, etc. If you're contacting him as a potential option of someone to date I wouldn't contact him or at least not with the "well there are other fish in the sea".  He's not one of the fish.

Yes, you're definitely right 🙂 

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