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Is it too soon to be meeting his friends after a first date?


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Had been talking to him for a few weeks/a month before meeting. We went out for dinner together a few days ago and all went well. Kissed at the end. Texted me when we got home. Said he's glad he's met a woman who likes similar things. Said he found me even more attractive in person. Wanted to see me a few days later to do something together, I agreed but then I had too much going on with work so he suggested we maybe save it for the weekend. He also asked if I would be free this weekend as his friends have an event on. I don't see anything inherently wrong with this, however, previously dated someone and I met his friends quite early on, it didn't last and he was also seeing other people unknown to me.

Before we met, he would talk about what we should be doing for our second date, like going to the beach etc. I'm not sure if this is an issue but we hadn't even met, who is to say we would get along? Wondering if he's doing this to get in the sack quickly as I didn't sleep with him on the first date/as we did have some sexual messages exchanged prior. Things over text got a bit heated when we got home too and even sent me a photo of some toys he would like us to get. In one of the other message, that was slightly sexual he said he wants his 'partner' to be satisfied.

Advice? Is this concerning or?

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I think it’s a bit early here to be using the word red flag. In your shoes, if you like him, want to see him again, and the event sound fun—go for it. You could bring a female friend too, perhaps. 

Some big picture thoughts: A month of texting is quite a bit before a first date, and invariably creates a false sense of intimacy: kinda fun and occasionally saucy, sure, but it can mess with the pacing of everything. Something to file away, but also? No biggie. If he’s a decent guy he’ll respect you, your pace, and there’s plenty of time to, say, adjust expectations and dial back on the sauce factor. 

Curious: aside from the toys, kissing, partner references, etc. do you get the sense that he is interested in who you are? Was he curious about you in realms outside of the gloss of hanky panky? 

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Friends thing, no. It could even be seen as a good thing as he wants you to get introduced and doesnt hide you. But yes, as you can see by your ex, even that isnt a sign that he is serious. But its not a red flag.

Overtly sexual, though. Sending you sex toys photos? That indeed could be a red flag. And the sign that he is aftering maybe just one thing. 

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2 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I think it’s a bit early here to be using the word red flag. In your shoes, if you like him, want to see him again, and the event sound fun—go for it. You could bring a female friend too, perhaps. 

Some big picture thoughts: A month of texting is quite a bit before a first date, and invariably creates a false sense of intimacy: kinda fun and occasionally saucy, sure, but it can mess with the pacing of everything. Something to file away, but also? No biggie. If he’s a decent guy he’ll respect you, your pace, and there’s plenty of time to, say, adjust expectations and dial back on the sauce factor. 

Curious: aside from the toys, kissing, partner references, etc. do you get the sense that he is interested in who you are? Was he curious about you in realms outside of the gloss of hanky panky? 

Good questions and advice, thank you. I do think so regarding the last sentence. He did say when I got home it was good to get to know me a little bit. We did speak about family and greater topics but I know people can sometimes just have sides to show. 

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2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Friends thing, no. It could even be seen as a good thing as he wants you to get introduced and doesnt hide you. But yes, as you can see by your ex, even that isnt a sign that he is serious. But its not a red flag.

Overtly sexual, though. Sending you sex toys photos? That indeed could be a red flag. And the sign that he is aftering maybe just one thing. 

Thank you. It’s hard to say whether it’s his ‘fault’ as I did sort of start the sexual train a bit and do have a flirty, sexual side. 

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13 minutes ago, isthisaredflag said:

We did speak about family and greater topics but I know people can sometimes just have sides to show. 

Great. 

My sense here is that you both enjoyed being a bit saucy over text—which, hey, all good. Not for everyone, but plenty common, especially with the under 30 crowd. (Is this your crowd?) Now that things are moving into the realm of 3D, let that be the guide, and remember that you’ve got just as much a hand on the wheel as him  

To that end, what is it you’re looking for from dating? In your perfect world, how does all this go? 

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I would say no.  He's moving too fast.  Pump the brakes on this one.  Keep things casual and go slower !  Get to know his personality and character more thoroughly first.  Haste makes waste.  Better safe than sorry. 

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Meeting friends is not a red flag at all. In fact it's a great opportunity for you to see just what kind of people he hangs out with because that can say a lot about him as a person. People tend to befriend those who are like them. On that note, if you all get along that's great. If you don't get along with his friends or find that you don't like them as people, now that might be a warning flag to you that you and him aren't quite as compatible as you may have thought initially.

That said, I think you need to adjust yourself to stop trying to read signs and assign meanings that aren't there. Including you into his social life is just that. It is not a sign of anything more and doesn't guarantee that your relationship will last or be a good one. The two things are not connected and trying to connect them will backfire on you.

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1 hour ago, isthisaredflag said:

Good questions and advice, thank you. I do think so regarding the last sentence. He did say when I got home it was good to get to know me a little bit. We did speak about family and greater topics but I know people can sometimes just have sides to show. 

I was always extremely busy at work when I dated -often crazy busy -and if I was really into someone I made time for the person unless a true work emergency.  I think you're hesitant in general to see him again.  For me the sex toy stuff and the rest would be a complete dealbreaker this early on.

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3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I was always extremely busy at work when I dated -often crazy busy -and if I was really into someone I made time for the person unless a true work emergency.  I think you're hesitant in general to see him again.  For me the sex toy stuff and the rest would be a complete dealbreaker this early on.

Thank you. Maybe to some extent the interest isn’t fully there! Can I ask deal breaker in what sense regarding the toys etc? Someone who’s pushy etc or?

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1 hour ago, isthisaredflag said:

previously dated someone and I met his friends quite early on, it didn't last and he was also seeing other people unknown to me.

Meeting friends is not a red flag. However based on this past experience you seem cautious. How long were you and that man dating? How long ago did you break up? 

Is there a reason you delayed meeting such as distance? If you don't want a rerun of this former scenario slow your roll a bit. For example, you clearly not exclusive or in a relationship and already sexting. 

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Just now, isthisaredflag said:

Thank you. Maybe to some extent the interest isn’t fully there! Can I ask deal breaker in what sense regarding the toys etc? Someone who’s pushy etc or?

It's my personal thing.  I was never interested in casual sex and not interested in getting to know a person who thought it was appropriate to talk about sex toys and sex after the first time meeting the person.  I'd worry about his lack of boundaries in other situations and be concerned that he was hyperfocused on having sex and having sex early on.  If I were a person who enjoyed talking about sex toys with people I'd just met and/or interested in having sex right away/a casual sexual arrangement then this person likely would be a good fit.

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2 hours ago, isthisaredflag said:

Had been talking to him for a few weeks/a month before meeting. We went out for dinner together a few days ago and all went well. Kissed at the end. Texted me when we got home. Said he's glad he's met a woman who likes similar things. Said he found me even more attractive in person. Wanted to see me a few days later to do something together, I agreed but then I had too much going on with work so he suggested we maybe save it for the weekend. He also asked if I would be free this weekend as his friends have an event on. I don't see anything inherently wrong with this, however, previously dated someone and I met his friends quite early on, it didn't last and he was also seeing other people unknown to me.

Before we met, he would talk about what we should be doing for our second date, like going to the beach etc. I'm not sure if this is an issue but we hadn't even met, who is to say we would get along? Wondering if he's doing this to get in the sack quickly as I didn't sleep with him on the first date/as we did have some sexual messages exchanged prior. Things over text got a bit heated when we got home too and even sent me a photo of some toys he would like us to get. In one of the other message, that was slightly sexual he said he wants his 'partner' to be satisfied.

Advice? Is this concerning or?

This probably boils down to personal taste. What one person wouldn't accept, another might be fine with and you both took a very long time to meet (a month?). Do you mind me asking why you were chatting for so long without meeting? 

The overall feeling I'm getting from your posts is that you're unsure and to an extent uneasy about this man but not clear why. Maybe you were recently burnt from a past relationship or dating experience like the one you mentioned? How recent was that? You were involved in the sexual texts and agreed to go on chatting for a month with someone you hadn't met. I don't think there's anything wrong with meeting at a beach. 

My guess is that the texting/chatting got way too far into sexual fantasies and a storyline which reality hasn't caught up with yet because the amount of time you've been texting outweighs the amount of real time you've spent in person which is unfortunate. I don't think there's anything wrong with meeting his friends either if you're both comfortable with it but you need to ask yourself whether you see yourself with this person or whether he was fun in the moment while texting. 

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12 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

This probably boils down to personal taste. What one person wouldn't accept, another might be fine with and you both took a very long time to meet (a month?). Do you mind me asking why you were chatting for so long without meeting? 

The overall feeling I'm getting from your posts is that you're unsure and to an extent uneasy about this man but not clear why. Maybe you were recently burnt from a past relationship or dating experience like the one you mentioned? How recent was that? You were involved in the sexual texts and agreed to go on chatting for a month with someone you hadn't met. I don't think there's anything wrong with meeting at a beach. 

My guess is that the texting/chatting got way too far into sexual fantasies and a storyline which reality hasn't caught up with yet because the amount of time you've been texting outweighs the amount of real time you've spent in person which is unfortunate. I don't think there's anything wrong with meeting his friends either if you're both comfortable with it but you need to ask yourself whether you see yourself with this person or whether he was fun in the moment while texting. 

Thank you. I’ll get back to these questions soon! But hardest part I guess with the last comment, is that I don’t know yet. Maybe both? Best to see him a bit more I gather and go from there. 

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2 hours ago, isthisaredflag said:

Thank you. Maybe to some extent the interest isn’t fully there! Can I ask deal breaker in what sense regarding the toys etc? Someone who’s pushy etc or?

My friend had gone through something similar where the guy was already making plans, etc. It's too much too soon, and you can't talk them down/ to slow down. 

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11 hours ago, isthisaredflag said:

Wondering if he's doing this to get in the sack quickly as I didn't sleep with him on the first date/as we did have some sexual messages

 

Quote

Thank you. It’s hard to say whether it’s his ‘fault’ as I did sort of start the sexual train a bit and do have a flirty, sexual side. 

I'm confused why you'd start a sexual train but then be concerned about him wanting to rush to the sack?

Each of the two things are fine on their own, but they don't make much sense together.

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Maybe he suggested the event with his friends because you'd had to say no to meeting during the week and he wanted to see you, but not miss the event. If the event is something you're interested in, then it keeps the date quite casual and not near his bedroom. 

The stuff about the sex toys, though? Each to his own, but that would have put me right off and there would be no second date. 

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2 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

Maybe he suggested the event with his friends because you'd had to say no to meeting during the week and he wanted to see you, but not miss the event. If the event is something you're interested in, then it keeps the date quite casual and not near his bedroom. 

The stuff about the sex toys, though? Each to his own, but that would have put me right off and there would be no second date. 

Thank you. Depending on what happens this week/weekend and in the future. What would you personally do? See this person again or? I think after the event though, the bedroom is probably on his cards but I could be wrong. 

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1 hour ago, isthisaredflag said:

Thank you. Depending on what happens this week/weekend and in the future. What would you personally do? See this person again or? I think after the event though, the bedroom is probably on his cards but I could be wrong. 

If it were just the friends issue I would do it -I once had a second date as a superbowl party at his friend's house - and Poorlittlefish made a really good point that he needed to reschedule because of you being too busy.  Since you started the sex type talk I am less concerned that he took your lead -and I am confused as to why you would be concerned if he tried to initiate sex -he might think you're interested in that sort of thing based on your choices and behavior.  

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Many women often have regrets of having sex too soon, but rarely does a woman say, "Gee, I wish I wouldn't have waited so long to do the deed."

If your goal is a longterm partner, keep dates to outside of the both of your homes for a few months. Sex is always a titillating fantasy on one's mind when there is chemistry, but a guy who also has a goal of finding a longterm partner will have the patience to wait until you're ready, and will show a true interest in getting to know you and will enjoy your company without knocking boots, in the beginning.

If this thing with him doesn't work out, for the next prospect, learn a lesson that you can be flirty without going into the territory that is now disturbing you. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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Meeting his friends at an event?  Is it a private dinner party in someone's home or possibly a public place where his friends are casually getting together?  I see nothing wrong with stopping by the public place, but something a little more formal an intimate, maybe too soon.  At least for me.

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My old friend once started planning his second date before they ever had their first.  They been married for 12 years now, with 3 kids, and love each other immensely.  Sometimes when you know, you know.  I wouldn't worry about meeting friends or preplanning dates.  Cuz just because you go on 2 or 20 dates, you can quit anytime.

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As I was supposed to attend last night for his friend's birthday, I just suggested we do something one on one soon. He said I was still welcome to come and I just said that I would be having a family thing in the end. We were messaging throughout the day and he asked me for a website of something I bought something from but you have to download an app to use it. I just said I could buy it for him (it was about the price of the dinner he paid for on our first date), he said he would owe me back but I said not to worry, it was a few hundred bucks. I joked that we forgot to buy something else and he said we could get it on the way home tonight (last night) after I picked him up from his friend's birthday. When I made it pretty clear that I couldn't do that as I was at home with my family. I didn't say this but then thought of it after, seems a bit demanding. I just sort of said I'd like to and would do it another time. He opened the message but didn't respond. I'm just not sure I like where this is heading but could be overthinking but is causing me some mild anxiety. 

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