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I found a pregnacy test under the bed where my wife sleeps with an expiry date of November 2024.


AllisNotLost
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Hi,

So last week I was cleaning our bedroom and I noticed an empty package so went to take a look at it. As I got close to it I noticed it was a Pregnancy test kit with 2 empty foil packets in it. The expiry date was in 2024 and kits have a 2/3 year expiry.

At first my heart sank because I thought the worst but I calmly left it and later approached her really casually and just said 'Oh when I was cleaning the room I say an empty pregnancy test box under the bed, not sure why it is there'. Her first reaction was shock and surprise followed with 'Why are you looking under the bed, oh it must have been our daughter who got it out and put it there'.

I left that and never came back to it, I have since not seen the kit anywhere and it has completely disappeared from the house with no trace.

The reason I am asking here is that we had a very bad spell a few years back where our sex lives were non existent, she was never interested in me and she would reject intimacy and we made it over a year without having sex which drove me insane and I had to have CBT to deal with the rejection around that and the anxiety surrounding it all.

The expiry date on the test kit if I am right would have put the date back from purchase around 3 years which would have been 2020 where things were very hard and our intimacy was really bad. I am really struggling to see what to do here? I am not sure if she has cheated on me? If it was something she did being a woman? If it was a kit from when we were trying for a child in 2017 which is highly unlikely. Either way I have an odd feeling about this and usually my gut is right in these circumstances.

Can anyone help me in looking into breaking this down?

Thanks,
Mark 

 

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Trust your gut.

 First of all how old is your daughter?  If she is really young you both need to sit down and discuss safe sex with her.  I imagine it wasn't your daughter but...

 What if your wife cheated?  What do you want to happen?

Divorce? Marriage counseling?

What broke the dry spell for your sex life?

On the face this looks really bad.  Her reaction, the dry spell and your gut feeling.

Many times cheaters stop having sex with their partner because they feel like it is cheating on their lover. They convince themselves they are in love and want the fantasy to continue.

The simple question is: How far do you want to go for the truth?

Lost

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18 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Trust your gut.

 First of all how old is your daughter?  If she is really young you both need to sit down and discuss safe sex with her.  I imagine it wasn't your daughter but...

 What if your wife cheated?  What do you want to happen?

Divorce? Marriage counseling?

What broke the dry spell for your sex life?

On the face this looks really bad.  Her reaction, the dry spell and your gut feeling.

Many times cheaters stop having sex with their partner because they feel like it is cheating on their lover. They convince themselves they are in love and want the fantasy to continue.

The simple question is: How far do you want to go for the truth?

Lost

Daughter is 4 years old.

We are having marriage counselling at the moment.

My gut is telling me this is not right and I have not felt like this since we had the very dry spell and my mind was going crazy about it all.

I want the truth but I do not want to cause serious breakdown in communication and trauma for my daughter.

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10 minutes ago, AllisNotLost said:

I want the truth but I do not want to cause serious breakdown in communication and trauma for my daughter.

Sorry about all this—very tough stuff. 

Let’s say the truth is that she had an affair. What is your gut response to that, right now? Would it be the end of the marriage or something you’d want to understand and work through?

Putting this aside for a moment, which I realize is next to impossible, how has marriage counseling been going? Are things better than they were? Has your sex life improved?

This doesn’t look great, being honest. Even if your daughter placed it under the bed, that doesn’t explain why your wife had a pregnancy test? And while I could understand her taking the test if you two have been sexually active and keeping that private, I don’t see why she wouldn’t immediately say that’s the case when you found it. 

When’s the next session with the counselor? What I would do, in your shoes, is let your wife know ahead of time that you’d like to talk about that in an upcoming session. Then let her know you’re here to talk now, if she has anything she’d like to share. 

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Have you had any sex together at all in the last few years?

What is wife's age? If she has missed or been late with any periods, she may have wanted to rule out pregnancy without alarming you before contacting her doctor. 

However, it's your gut and your marriage. How much opportunity has she had to be unfaithful?

 

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1 hour ago, AllisNotLost said:

I calmly left it and later approached her really casually and just said 'Oh when I was cleaning the room I say an empty pregnancy test box under the bed, not sure why it is there'. Her first reaction was shock and surprise followed with 'Why are you looking under the bed,

This is what doesn't sit right. 

It is strange that her first reaction was to question you, rather than offering a plausible explanation. 

If she accused your daughter of leaving it there but everything was indeed innocent, I would think she'd let you know that she'd missed a period after the last time you had sex (or some such thing) and that's why she'd taken the tests. 

It doesn't appear she even clarified why she'd taken them, though. Did she? 

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How old is your wife? Are you sexually active now? Are you currently using birth control? It sounds like because of ongoing marital conflict, even though you are having sex currently, she does not want to become pregnant at this time.

If the expiration date stamped is 2024 they would have been purchased quite recently, not 2020 during your sexual hiatus. She may be hiding the fact that all the marital discord has discouraged her from wanting another child with you or perhaps a termination.

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2 hours ago, AllisNotLost said:

Her first reaction was shock and surprise followed with 'Why are you looking under the bed, oh it must have been our daughter who got it out and put it there'.

Yeah, I doubt that...

 

1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

When’s the next session with the counselor? What I would do, in your shoes, is let your wife know ahead of time that you’d like to talk about that in an upcoming session. Then let her know you’re here to talk now, if she has anything she’d like to share. 

I second this.  This topic was never truly discussed.

It may need to be, in order for your own questions to be answered.

 

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31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old is your wife? Are you sexually active now? Are you currently using birth control? It sounds like because of ongoing marital conflict, even though you are having sex currently, she does not want to become pregnant at this time.

If the expiration date stamped is 2024 they would have been purchased quite recently, not 2020 during your sexual hiatus. She may be hiding the fact that all the marital discord has discouraged her from wanting another child with you or perhaps a termination.

We only use condoms when we have sex and she does not use birth control. We are kind of but not that much, it’s always me initiating it though.

the expiration date has really got me though. I cannot understand if it was recent why she would not talk to me about it and hide it from me. If it was a while back and we’d had sex and accidentally a condom broke or we forgot to use protection she would or we would discuss getting a test.

I remember a while back her periods were oddly late but we’d not had sex at all throughout any of it so we both knew that it was not the case.

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1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

This is what doesn't sit right. 

It is strange that her first reaction was to question you, rather than offering a plausible explanation. 

If she accused your daughter of leaving it there but everything was indeed innocent, I would think she'd let you know that she'd missed a period after the last time you had sex (or some such thing) and that's why she'd taken the tests. 

It doesn't appear she even clarified why she'd taken them, though. Did she? 

Your last point is where I am lost too. She would tell me. She never said why she’d taken them. I am in the dark about it.

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1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry about all this—very tough stuff. 

Let’s say the truth is that she had an affair. What is your gut response to that, right now? Would it be the end of the marriage or something you’d want to understand and work through?

Putting this aside for a moment, which I realize is next to impossible, how has marriage counseling been going? Are things better than they were? Has your sex life improved?

This doesn’t look great, being honest. Even if your daughter placed it under the bed, that doesn’t explain why your wife had a pregnancy test? And while I could understand her taking the test if you two have been sexually active and keeping that private, I don’t see why she wouldn’t immediately say that’s the case when you found it. 

When’s the next session with the counselor? What I would do, in your shoes, is let your wife know ahead of time that you’d like to talk about that in an upcoming session. Then let her know you’re here to talk now, if she has anything she’d like to share. 

I have strict rules around infidelity and if it was true I would not work through it. 
 

counselling has been great and we are making solid ground on it. Her father recently passed away so we’ve focused a lot on that as therapy for her and us both going through the grief.

I am lost myself and it isn’t good. The expiry date was the thing that really made me think about it hard. It must have been recently bought and if so why did she not talk to me about it?

we have another session in a months time so I might bring it up before then?

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14 minutes ago, AllisNotLost said:

We only use condoms when we have sex and she does not use birth control.

I remember a while back her periods were oddly late but we’d not had sex at all throughout any of it so we both knew that it was not the case.

The expiration date in fact proves they were recently purchased when sex was already reinstated. You keep saying "we" this and "we" that, but you're in marriage therapy and she may not want a preganacy now because of the discord.

Condoms fail and she may have been late. The fact that you're using condoms indicates it's for contraception. Perhaps she has negative effects from other contraception? Your communication is indeed poor and being paranoid about cheating rather than the obvious (she doesn't want a child with you) isn't helping.

 You need to be clear during marital therapy and get the honesty about feelings on the table. She may also be considering divorce and thus panicked when the period was late. The doldrums were likely caused by your stress/depression requiring therapy

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4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why haven't you asked her? 

I’m really scared of all scenarios. Either I am completely wrong and it’s something innocent or she did have an affair or sex with someone else. I’m just finding it hard to think of the best approach that won’t complete break everything down

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The expiration date in fact proves they were recently purchased when sex was already reinstated. You keep saying "we" this and "we" that, but you're in marriage therapy and she may not want a preganacy now because of the discord.

Condoms fail and she may have been late. The fact that you're using condoms indicates it's for contraception. Perhaps she has negative effects from other contraception? Your communication is indeed poor and being paranoid about cheating rather than the obvious (she doesn't want a child with you) isn't helping.

 You nee to be clearly during marital therapy and get the honesty about feelings on the table. She may also be considering divorce and thus panicked when the period was late.

I get you but we’ve hardly had sex, probably 4 times in 6 months.

thing is I’ve been very vocal about not wanting another child and we are on the same boat with that. She has never ever used any other birth control. We’ve been together for 20 years and I would know that. I might be paranoid but that’s a valid feeling and emotion and not selfish. I get that I should probably step away from my own selfish thoughts though and think about other scenarios.

 

in our last session she was and we were extremely open about our feelings. There’s no point in doing it if we don’t.

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7 minutes ago, AllisNotLost said:

Either I am completely wrong and it’s something innocent or she did have an affair or sex with someone else. I

Do not accuse her of cheating. Instead discuss contraception and fear of preganacy in the safety of the marriage therapist's office. You already confronted her about the box you found so it's out in the open. Ask frankly if you two hope to rebuild your marriage or if divorce is a consideration.

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11 minutes ago, AllisNotLost said:

I’m really scared of all scenarios. Either I am completely wrong and it’s something innocent or she did have an affair or sex with someone else. I’m just finding it hard to think of the best approach that won’t complete break everything down

Something is very broken in your marriage if you're this afraid to ask your wife about a pregnancy test, OP. You're on eggshells around her, and you're forgetting that it's her who has some explaining to do. Not you. The onus is not entirely on you to keep this from breaking down completely. What has she done to help ease your onbvious concern? 

I think you already know this is likely not innocent. Otherwise, she almost certainly would have given you a reasonable explanation by now. 

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5 minutes ago, AllisNotLost said:

I’m really scared of all scenarios. Either I am completely wrong and it’s something innocent or she did have an affair or sex with someone else. I’m just finding it hard to think of the best approach that won’t complete break everything down

Given that you don’t have an appointment for a month, I think you need to talk about this now, before your head and heart spin out even further. 

I’m no expert on pregnancy tests, but a quick google search shows they generally expire in one to three years. That would make it far more likely that this test was purchased in recent months, not years ago. Since you’ve been sexually active together in that time it makes more sense that that’s at play here, not something from years ago. 

Of course, the only way to know is to talk to her, and to get over your fear of that, since fear does nothing but corrode connections. Anyone in your shoes would deserve an explanation from their partner. Do you generally struggle to talk to each other this much?  Prior to this, were you confident that, whatever your troubles together, that you were both committed to repairing the relationship?

Long and short: I think you need to let her know, without accusation, that the test is on your mind and you’d like to understand why she took it and when. Tell her you’re here to listen, and then do just that. 

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Is it possible she did become pregnant (by you) and chose to terminate? Especially since you were "very vocal" about not wanting more children?

Using condoms alone is not a particularly effective means of birth control. I know at least a few people who used condoms exclusively and are parents now. I think they only have something like an 80-90% effectiveness rate. Over 20 years that's a lot of chances.

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So I took the plunge and asked again about it. I enquired about it and asked if she had wracked her head around where it came from.

All I got back was the same response with total lack of knowing why and where it came from. Not that she got it for any reason at all!

I’m probably being paranoid but I’m still a bit confused 🫤 

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Did you ask her if she ever bought one, ever took one? Odd as her responses seem, equally odd is the impression of these stilted conversations. 

Twenty years you’re together, living in a house the two of you and a four year old? A pregnancy test doesn’t just materialize out of thin air is generally something that someone recalls purchasing. 

Per the above post, is there a chance that she would dread how you’d react to her being pregnant? I’m just wracking my brain to figure out what’s happening here.

 

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