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Should i be worried?


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I have been with my girlfriend for less than a year.  We are both in out early forties.  We were recently having a discussion following something we saw on television about sexual partners. In answer to questions that i asked during the conversation she revealed two things that i am concerned about.  The first thing is that one of her close male friends is also someone with whom she was "friends with benefits" over a period of a couple of months several years ago when they were both single.  They were close friends before and have remained close friends afterwards.  She assures me it is platonic.  The are part of the same group of friends but also see each other one on one occasionally.  He is a playboy and a serial cheater.  The second thing i learned is that she had cheated on her ex husband with another man at the end of their marriage.   Also told me she consulted with a psychologist during the separation process about the entire situation (not just the cheating) but she was uncomfortable sharing more detail so i did not press. I am looking to build something long term.  I am comfortable in my skin but i do not want to put my head in the sand about problems that may lie ahead. I appreciate her honesty about this and she promises unequivocally to be faithful, but should i be concerned?   Would it be fair for me to push further for more details or to set some boundaries?  Any advice and experiences that you are willing to share are helpful. 

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2 minutes ago, tonnyblue said:

I am looking to build something long term.  I am comfortable in my skin but i do not want to put my head in the sand about problems that may lie ahead. I appreciate her honesty about this and she promises unequivocally to be faithful, but should i be concerned?   Would it be fair for me to push further for more details or to set some boundaries? 

This ^^^ would be the perfect stuff to say to her and ask her.

If you'd feel uncomfortable doing that, then what should that tell you?

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What is a dealbreaker for someone might not be to someone else. To me, once a friendship goes to intimacy, even if it returns to friendship, I'd reject dating someone who had that type of friendship, even if I had a magical way to know he'd never cheat. I'm just not comfortable with that dynamic.

And the cheating part at the end of the marriage would show me a person's ethics. If they don't match my ethics, I think it's smarter to assume the person's ethics will remain the same, even as I know an epiphany is possible. To me, it's a high risk to trust my heart with a person who was capable of that behavior.

Only you can decide, but I'm weighing in on how I feel, in case it will help.

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I could understand and empathize with any decision you would make here.

On one hand, for me that would be a decent level of emotional energy I’d have to spend to be okay with the ex-FWB situation. Add on top of that an affair that I’m assuming is fairly recent? I’m pretty protective of my emotional peace, so deciding to work through that feels like a big commitment to me. Does it feel that way to you? Do you have room in your life for that level of commitment?

On the other hand, I can really see how dating and meeting someone on your wavelength could be really difficult in the world today. You say you’ve been together less than a year. Has it been 8mos or so? Do you love her? How do you feel when you imagine figuring out retirement and having grandchildren together? You also say you’re looking to go long term, so this is a great time to evaluate where you’re at in your affection for who she is.

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This type of honesty in my experience is a double edged sword. They are showing you their core character. If you proceed and accept being in a relationship with them anyway, then you also accept the consequences - being cheated on. This kind of honesty is a way to clear their conscience in a, "I warned you about who I am and if you are still here, you must be OK with it." kind of way. Of course, every single cheater will swear up and down their undying loyalty and tell you that your relationship is "special and different". It's not.

It really boils down to, can you ever fully trust a partner who has demonstrated their capacity to betray a relationship in the worst way possible? Answer that honestly and you have your answer on whether you should proceed or not. If deep down you know that you'll always be looking over your shoulder and feeling some anxiety and discomfort, then just quit now. Don't waste your time on toxic relationships.

As for her platonic pal that she slept with..... I mean platonic by definition is a person you are not sexually attracted to at all. Soooo....yeah......their friendship isn't really platonic and there is and has always been some sexual tension there. Add to it that she has a propensity to cheat and this whole situation is a set up for a toxic mess. Personally, I'd be out the door. Life is too short for this kind of stuff. Not a good candidate for anything serious and long term.

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I personally don't like these soul bearing "I'll tell you my sins, you tell me yours conversations." 

For all the reasons mapped out in this thread. 

I do tend to believe once a cheat always a cheat.  You either see that as completely wrong and would never do that or... you would.

there's probably something even worse in her past. Like this is the litmus test... She'll see if you accept her regardless of these two seedy behaviors. No offense to the fwb types but I'm personally in the other camp. I could not continually have sex with someone and not fall for them. I think that's a trait or an ability that probably makes it easier to cheat or to move on quickly. Maybe not a great match for a bleeding heart like me.  lol

but with all that said, she's your girlfriend. So listen to your gut. if you think you're putting your head in the sand, then you definitely are.

After a bad break up, I remember thinking "the next guy is going to have to give me a retainer. That I'll keep if he hurts me."

lol

In theory, that's a great idea to hedge the risk of putting my heart in someone else's hands.  But in actuality, relationships are a risk. 

So you have to make good choices.  You have to be vulnerable enough to communicate your needs and strong enough to hold out for what you deserve.

You're really not sure? many times we know what's right we just don't like it. 

If you're really not sure, do not emotionally invest more.  Pull back on the inside and observe how things go. Recognize this is not the last woman on earth.  She's not the most moral. You don't want to waste your time.  So you have to make good choices. And only you can. 

Keep posting and exploring your feelings. the answer will come. 

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Yeah, being platonic friends with a playboy and a serial cheater. While being a cheater herself. I wouldnt hold my breath that kind of person could stay faithful. At the first sign of a trouble, her being bored out of your relationship and similar, she is probably already at the playboy friends bed. That is the risk you are taking when you are dating somebody like that. And yes, you should absolutely not be OK with her hanging with somebody who probably just awaits the first opportunity to get into her pants. No matter what she says and how she thinks its OK for her to hang out with somebody like that. Its OK for her because she has somebody there casually in case she wants that. It shouldnt be OK with you and you should seriously rethink that relationship before you get hurt down the line.

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12 hours ago, tonnyblue said:

I have been with my girlfriend for less than a year.  We are both in out early forties.  We were recently having a discussion following something we saw on television about sexual partners. In answer to questions that i asked during the conversation she revealed two things that i am concerned about.  The first thing is that one of her close male friends is also someone with whom she was "friends with benefits" over a period of a couple of months several years ago when they were both single.  They were close friends before and have remained close friends afterwards.  She assures me it is platonic.  The are part of the same group of friends but also see each other one on one occasionally.  He is a playboy and a serial cheater.  The second thing i learned is that she had cheated on her ex husband with another man at the end of their marriage.   Also told me she consulted with a psychologist during the separation process about the entire situation (not just the cheating) but she was uncomfortable sharing more detail so i did not press. I am looking to build something long term.  I am comfortable in my skin but i do not want to put my head in the sand about problems that may lie ahead. I appreciate her honesty about this and she promises unequivocally to be faithful, but should i be concerned?   Would it be fair for me to push further for more details or to set some boundaries?  Any advice and experiences that you are willing to share are helpful. 

Talk about it with her. These are stories from her past which were invited by discussion over something else trivial like what you saw on TV. My guess is the relationship moved quickly and now you’re sexually intimate with someone you’ve realized you barely knew. Nothing uncommon there but also an opportunity to realize that you don’t know her very well nor yourself as you seem confused and torn over sections of her past that she claims she’s over or moved on from. 

If you’re not comfortable with her, let her go. She deserves someone who loves and respects her and the same for you. Your reaction however jealous or any desire for more details or getting into her ex relationships will also tell her what she needs about you and what type of person you are. 

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What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this First

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