Jump to content

Not entirely sure what he's wanting?


Recommended Posts

Hi.. I'm a little confused and potentially reading into this wrong..

 

My friends friend asked me out for a coffee a few weeks back. He and I met and chatted for a few hours then parted for the day. I got a message a few hours later saying how much he enjoyed my company, and could we meet again at my earliest convenience so he could take me to dinner. I declined, I was happy with cuppa now and again and being a mate, and told him I wasn't interested anymore than being friends.

He said he understood and looked forward to catching up again soon.

He messaged last week to ask me out for coffee, and I said I'd get back to him which I did, saying that I can't make this week as my dad is unwell, but could catch up the following week. He queried my dad, and I told him it was to do with mental health. He then said blokes find it easier to chat to other blokes and suggested perhaps he and I meet up along with my mum and dad and my two boys as it might help my dad to talk if theres another bloke there who's a friend of his daughter.

I just thanked him and said I'd keep it in mind and left the text conversation there.

Thus morning I got this message..

 

Hiya, look I hope you don't think I was being pushy and using your dad as an excuse to see you, I truly was trying to help. When I asked you out for dinner, it was to spend time with a beautiful, sexy, intelligent and lovely lady. To be totally honest, I am not looking for a romantic relationship or even a sexual one for that matter, for reasons I don't really want to discuss.

But I am quite lonely and I know that's probably my fault. I don't like to go to places, walks or do very much on my own, but I do love doing them with company. I would love to do the aforementioned with you because you seem a happy person and I like your company.

Well that's what I was going to say had we been able to meet on Wednesday this week. My offer of help with your father is sincere but I won't mention again unless you ask.

Hopefully we can meet up soon. S x

 

I've not a clue how to take this, or how to respond. I appreciate he feels lonely and he enjoys my company, but it all feels a bit full on?

Any insight, suggestions or advice would be most welcome x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Take it at face value. He does not want to date you and doesn't want a potential relationship with you. He likes hanging out with you in public.  He finds you attractive but for whatever reason -could be the reason he told you, could be many other reasons -he doesn't see you as a potential match for romantic purposes. He is being honest about his boundaries.  Decide if those are ok with you and don't indulge in "well he really likes me but he's too shy/scared/intimidated by my beauty" etc - take it at face value and don't proceed if you think you might want more than he is offering.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, it is and inappropriate for him to think that his presence will help your dad. Tell him you’re not interested in meeting up if you think his comments and compliments are over the top.

He has to fix his own issues of loneliness in a more productive way and learn to take no for an answer. He can join interest groups, be involved in his community or learn to occupy himself instead of pushing that responsibility onto you. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Sunnierdays said:

told him I wasn't interested anymore than being friends.

Unfortunately, with someone like this who can't take subtle hints or the lets be friends thing, you need to be much firmer. Especially do not just keep deferring and stringing along with chitchat and offers to catch up. Generally offering the friend thing backfires for this reason.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

2 hours ago, Sunnierdays said:

I was happy with cuppa

I had to google. British people and tea lol

Anyway, I am going to say that he still has hopes of getting together. And that he wouldnt offer anything or stay there if he doesnt think that. So, dont offer your friendship there. It puts both of you in very ankward place. Just say that you are not interested in whatever its offered.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think the offer about helping your dad was odd.  So I would thank him but flat out say, no thank you. 

I also think his whole explanation about finding you attractive but not wanting a romantic or physical relationship, but also being lonely, while may be true, is not your problem.

Just because someone does not have a lot of friends, does not mean you have to fill the void for them.  Especially if you are not really interested in having a close friendship with this person.  

I would probably take an honest approach.  Thank him for the offer with your dad, but you do not think this will help your dad.  Then address the getting together comment.  Thank him again.  Tell him you are sorry he is feeling so lonely.  You appreciate wanting to get together but you are busy with your kids, dad, whatever else and suggest he should try to make some new friends through one of his interests.

I would try to be delicate with my words, but also clear that he is imposing on me and I am not interested.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's very possible he's indeed just lonely and seeking your friendship.  However, the offer relating to your personal family matters feels inappropriate and even though he came back and did a little damage control, I'd be concerned about what type of boundaries issues this friendship might bring.

It's up to you whether you want to continue and see what happens.  His hunger for friendship feels like it might cause him to be a little too intense about it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with Lambert regarding his desire to meet with you, your sons AND your parents is alarming!   ☹️  Anytime a person is a red flag, take heed because weird behaviors teach you to beware.  People who are mentally 'off' will give you trouble. 

He sounds unstable, desperate and insecure which will cause you to feel imposed and burdened. 

I'd be straightforward with him.  Text him this:  "Thank you for your kind offer of friendship which was appreciated.  However, I prefer no contact.  Thank you for respecting and honoring my wishes.  I wish you all the best.  Sincerely,  Your Name."   <=======  Granted, no one wants to feel denied, declined and rejected but there is a respectful way to discontinue contact with people whom you are uninterested in. 

If you want a casual friendship with this guy, then continue to meet for coffee or walks whenever your schedule permits.  Know that once a steady friendship is established,  he may use you as a crutch and you need to ask yourself if you're prepared for this tethered, new high maintenance, 'supportive' role. 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, Sunnierdays said:

He and I met and chatted for a few hours then parted for the day.

Your question depends on what YOU hoped to gain by meeting him.

Did you want to check him out to learn whether you shared chemistry for dating, but then you learned the answer was no?

If so, thank him for his interest and efforts, but you're seeking a different kind of match, and you are confident that he'll find his soon.

If you were looking for only friendship or companionship, then do you view this guy as someone who could fit with that? If so, pursuer, and if not, tell him something like the above and move forward.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 hours ago, Sunnierdays said:

He messaged last week to ask me out for coffee, and I said I'd get back to him which I did, saying that I can't make this week as my dad is unwell, but could catch up the following week. He queried my dad, and I told him it was to do with mental health. He then said blokes find it easier to chat to other blokes and suggested perhaps he and I meet up along with my mum and dad and my two boys as it might help my dad to talk if theres another bloke there who's a friend of his daughter.

This is unbelievably creepy and inappropriate of him.

He doesn't actually care about your Dad's mental health - he came up with this ridiculous and inappropriate scenario as an excuse to STILL be able to get together with you, even though you made it clear that wasn't going to happen.

I actually think it's really SICK that he was willing to go to the length of saying "Maybe your dad would feel better if I were there to talk to!" to try to convince you to still get together with him. He knew that your reason for not getting together was extremely valid, so it's like this was the only thing he could come up with to try to manipulate you.

 

14 hours ago, Sunnierdays said:

Thus morning I got this message..

Hiya, look I hope you don't think I was being pushy and using your dad as an excuse to see you, I truly was trying to help.

Ugh, reading this message made me shudder.

It's complete BS. Do you see the way that he's PREEMPTIVELY trying to defend himself against any valid criticisms of his behaviour, like "I hope you don't think I was being pushy and using your dad as an excuse to see you"? He knows EXACTLY what he's doing and how inappropriate it is.

 

14 hours ago, Sunnierdays said:

When I asked you out for dinner, it was to spend time with a beautiful, sexy, intelligent and lovely lady. To be totally honest, I am not looking for a romantic relationship or even a sexual one for that matter, for reasons I don't really want to discuss.

He absolutely has feelings for you and DOES want a romantic and sexual relationship with you. He wouldn't call you a "beautiful, sexy, intelligent and lovely lady" and be so desperate to get together with you if he DIDN'T.

He's PRETENDING that he's not even looking for a romantic or sexual relationship because you've made it clear that you don't want to be anything more than friends, so he's pretending to be a "nice guy" who "wants nothing more than friendship" in order to play the LONG GAME.

 

14 hours ago, Sunnierdays said:

But I am quite lonely and I know that's probably my fault. I don't like to go to places, walks or do very much on my own, but I do love doing them with company. I would love to do the aforementioned with you because you seem a happy person and I like your company.

This is a GUILT-TRIP and and a manipulative attempt to play on your emotions.

It's not your fault, nor is it your problem, if HE'S lonely. You don't owe him companionship.

 

14 hours ago, Sunnierdays said:

Well that's what I was going to say had we been able to meet on Wednesday this week. My offer of help with your father is sincere but I won't mention again unless you ask.

Why does he keep saying this, when you never said that his offer WASN'T sincere?

Methinks he doth protest too much. He KNOWS that his offer WASN'T sincere. He's telling on himself.

Honestly, I would block this guy's number and never engage with him again. He's NOT a good person, he's NOT a true friend, and I get really bad vibes from him. Please protect yourself.

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with everyone else. I also think if you're not romantically interested in him, but he seems to be in you, there's probably no point in hanging out with him. He wants to be more than friends because he asked you out and said he finds you attractive. You said you're not interested but yet he keeps persisting. And yes he does sound full on and a bit weird. If he makes you feel uncomfortable then you have no obligation towards him to see him. That's fine if he wants to have friends and in that case he should put himself out there and make them. His interest in you is not friendship so I wouldn't feel bad for him. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you all for your replies.. its really helpful.

Thank you for helping me to look at this from various different point of view. I can hear that he is feeling lonely, but it is all very full on and quite pushy, and a for me an uncomfortable read.

I was happy to be a friend and catch up now and again before this message from him, but with his mixed message, my discomfort with it, and having taken in to consideration the views you've all kindly shared, I have blocked him.

Thanks again 🙂

 

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...