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I want to break up with my boyfriend but we never talk unless it's over text


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I (16F) have been dating my partner (16M) since last November, and I’m currently in a conundrum. He’s a great guy, and I know he means well, but there’s a lot that he does that just grates on me, and over the past few months, I’ve slowly come to the conclusion that I just. Don’t care enough about the relationship to try and fix it. I know he doesn’t mean badly, but sometimes he says these things that make me feel infantilized. I’m definitely reading too much into it, but I come from a pretty bad household — my mom’s emotionally abusive with me, and she’s emotionally and physically abusive with my dad. 

 

I should preface this by saying that I have ADHD. I think I tend to manage pretty well, but I do have a nasty habit of putting my work aside when it stresses me out too much, which also impacts my sleep schedule. I confided in my partner about this, and he’s taken it upon himself to try and help me, which was very sweet in the beginning, and I was surprised that he cared enough to nudge me to sleep daily, and when we’re studying together, he’ll sometimes get me back on track. Recently, though, it’s kind of felt very condescending. I feel like he thinks I’m some kind of broken pet to fix. He’s also taken up trying to guilt trip me, and after years of being micromanaged by my mom (who never fails to tell me when I’m being stupid), I just hate it so much. 

 

He likes teasing and pranking people, which in and of itself isn’t something I dislike, but some days, I’m just so tired of conflict. Sometimes he makes these derogatory comments jokingly (I swear, I know he doesn’t actually mean any of it), and he’ll take my things and not give them back when I explicitly ask for it back (he does give it back if I ask seriously enough). But I’ve had to deal with my mom talking about my weight and the way I look and my grades, and I don’t really want to deal with someone making fun of my height or saying that I have bad taste in movies or just being around someone that enjoys creating conflicts for fun. 

 

Also, he’s in a higher math class than me, and there’s this one time when we were working on homework together, he looked at my problems, and said ‘aww’. It only happened once, and I’m sure that if I told him to back off, he would, but it just took me off guard because that’s something I might have expected from my mom, not my partner. That’s just one of many examples of some of the things he’s said and done that makes me feel like I don’t want to be with him anymore. 

 

The fact that I can’t help but to compare our relationship to my parents, is also definitely a problem. I sometimes catch myself trying to find who’s my mom and who’s my dad in these types of situations. 

 

My dilemma comes in two parts: First, my whole friend group is closer than him, than with me. I only really became friends with them last year (sophomore year) through a mutual friend, A, whereas he’s been friends with them since freshman year. We met through our friend group. However, since we got together in November, and I’d only really started hanging out with them since September, I feel like my place in my friend group is now more of being my partner’s girlfriend, and not an actual person. Autonomy and control is very important to me. I hate feeling like an extension of someone else. 

 

I never really bonded with that friend group, so it doesn’t upset me that much to know I’ll likely lose the people there, but as a result of all this mess, I never really bonded with anyone else. I’m worried about being lonely though. 

 

Also, I’m a bit worried about losing A as a friend. I’ve known her for almost a decade, and we went to after school together, and while we were never really best friends, we bonded quite well. However, we didn’t get close until we started high school at the same school, and ended up with a similar friend circle. She and my partner get along great — they’re both fans of musicals, and they ended up in the same play together, and bonded pretty well. 

 

We go to a boarding school, and I only really see anyone when we’re at school. Given that it’s summer now, I haven’t really seen anyone other than a few people who I'm closer to. I’m not toooo worried about the friend group as I’ve kind of given up on them (mostly because our personalities just don't mesh very well - they're lovely people!), but I do wish I could be there for the fallout. This is especially because the friends who I'm closer to, and who already know about this situation, are still somewhat entangled in this friend group (although they aren't as in it, I still think that might make interactions with mutual friends awkward). 

 

My second, and to be entirely honest, more pressing dilemma: I don’t know how to break up with him.  Because of the household I live in, I tend to not make calls to my friends, or video chat with them. And when it’s the summer, I don’t go out a lot either (and he doesn’t even live in the same state as me). There’s really no chance for me to see him in person (or over a video call). But I don’t want to string him along until school starts because again — he’s a nice guy. He doesn’t deserve this. 

 

I don’t want to break up with him over text, because I keep on seeing people say what a horrible move that is, and I agree, because it feels very distant and like I’m running away from the problem, or avoiding him, which is not my intention. I don’t know if I want to break up with him now, over text, during the summer, or if I want to wait until the school year starts. I’m also not quite sure what to say to him? I think he deserves an explanation, but I also think that listing where we went wrong is too callous. 

 

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. Honestly, I would really appreciate it if someone helped me with what to say to him, because I just don’t know how to approach him about this (I’m also a horrible people-pleaser, and the thought of this just makes me want to claw my skin off). 

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What you say is you’re very fond of him (if this is true), but your romantic feelings have faded and being his partner doesn’t feel right anymore. You’re very sorry but it’s over. 

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First off you should make an appointment with a school counselor. Some people may feel it's lame or makes your anxiety go through the roof, but you definitely need adult help...not just about at home, but also dealing with school, your ex BF to be and your/his social circle, any fallout you may experience. There is medication for your ADHD, that works for some and maybe you. It will help with concertation, and anxiety. Get your dad to help you privately set up an appointment with a doctor. Your brain is still developing so this is a good time to start treatment, whether it's medication or therapy or both. 

As for your BF, you can do the slow fade, talk less, stay home/away from him, etc. he will probably lose interest and or call you out. That's when you can meet and end it if you need to. 

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You are pretty young and just learning how to have healthy relationships.  You are actually behind the curve because of your home life which is not your fault in the least.

 Whether it is this guy or the next or if it is a friend you need to teach people how to treat you.  If you tolerate disrespect, teasing, offensive comments and the like then it will continue.  BUT if you let them know that their behavior is unacceptable and you will not allow anyone to talk to you or treat in that fashion and they stop all is good.  If they don't stop then walk away from the relationship or friendship.

 I would imagine this guy is trying to be funny and fun but it is hurtful and causing you stress.  You can either tell him that and give him a chance to become a better bf/friend or you can simply text him and tell him you think it is best that you break up.

Not sure why you can't talk on the phone or talk when you are studying together.

 Lost

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If you break up over text, it's very final because towards the end of your text, you could ask him not to contact you anymore.  If you decide no contact (NC), then should he not respect and honor your wishes for NC, you could ghost, block and delete him.  Breaking up via text is faster, abrupt and more convenient.

Should you decide to break up with him during a phone conversation or in person, be prepared for lengthy explanations from you and him in response to you.  Be prepared for a possible heated argument exchange due to anger, frustration and hard feelings of rejection. 

Before you do anything in this life, always think about the scenario and outcomes.  Let that be your guide and answer.   

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On 8/15/2022 at 7:23 PM, catfeeder said:

How often do you see BF in person these days while on school break?

honestly I haven't seen him in person since the beginning of summer break because we live pretty far away from each other, so we just haven't had the chance to see each other

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On 8/14/2022 at 10:20 PM, aaaa said:

Because of the household I live in, I tend to not make calls to my friends, or video chat with them. And when it’s the summer, I don’t go out a lot either (and he doesn’t even live in the same state as me).

Is there anywhere you can go to have a conversation, a local coffee shop or a walk around your block or your basement, garage or bathroom?

If you're not in enough contact to have a breakup conversation, you're also not in enough contact for him to annoy you too much.

But I get it. If you just want to quell your anxiety and get this over with, I'd make a point of finding a place for a phone call. 

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7 hours ago, aaaa said:

honestly I haven't seen him in person since the beginning of summer break 

He probably has a hometown GF. You're his campus GF. You two should not be exclusive. You need to enjoy your life and your summer vacation without being tied down.

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14 hours ago, aaaa said:

honestly I haven't seen him in person since the beginning of summer break because we live pretty far away from each other, so we just haven't had the chance to see each other

Since both of you live far away from each other, a phone call is the next best thing.  I agree with catfeeder. 

If you want to make this less hurtful for him (since no one wants to feel rejected), you can give him one of those brief (not lengthy) "it's not you, it's me" type breakup excuses.  This way, it deflects any blame from him onto you.  This form of breakup stings less.  Don't drag this conversation out otherwise it will lead to a heated argument and you don't want that.  Kindly request NC (no contact) and if he's relentless, then ignore, ghost, block and delete him. 

If you don't want anyone to overhear you, speak outdoors. 

As for mutual friends, act natural.  Remain peaceful, respectful and polite without being chummy with him.  Don't bad mouth him either.  Don't share that with your mutual friends and even safer, don't share that with anyone because you never know, in this Information Age, word gets around ~ fast !  Tread lightly and protect yourself.  Don't take those types of risks. 

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