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Relationship Is Going Very Well But Questions


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5 Fundamentals For Troubleshooting ...
5 Fundamentals For Troubleshooting Your Relationship

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I am autistic and ADHD. This is my first relationship at 29 and I have known her for 2 years. We have a very strong bond and every interest and hobby is the same. We can talk for hours about any of the topics we share and we constantly message each other. We have not had one argument in two years because there is so much chemistry. We both cried for 20 minutes when we first started dating out of pure happiness. I write her a love poem every other day as I am a professional writer and poet which she just loves. When we first started dating I wrote her a 3 page essay about how she should expect to be treated as in if she ever questions anything, feel free to ask...the only way she could ever disappoint me is if she allows herself to not tell me if anything is ever wrong or needs addressed.

I told her that I want to give her free reign to say anything at anytime without fear of being silenced or judged. That I would always be there. She had about 15 questions which I answered in 4 paragraph format to every question which by the way she just loved. I send her multiple love meme I create myself in Photoshop to make her feel special and loved, especially on your lunch breaks. She loves when I write long paragraphs. We both talk about how lucky we are to have found each other, we go back through memories, she constantly tells me she is the best thing she has ever had and I say that too. We share everything together. We visit 3 times a week. I even wrote a dedication in my book to her and a love poem on that dedication page for the upcoming new release. When she does visit I always turn off all my electronics, I give her a massage and I listen to everything she has to say and offer myself to listen to any problems or concerns she has of her day. There has been days I have cooked a meal for her when she got off work because I knew she was working hard. 

This is not going to be your average relationship post. I want to ask you all. I want to make her feel more special than she ever has and it is clear that I probably am because she has cried multiple times over the way I treat her. But I want to know what else I can do to further our bond. Like I even made her a playlist of her favorite songs and sent it to her and listen to that whenever we are alone. She has one daughter and I invite her to every game night, get her every favorite snack she wants and after every visit they have at my house, I hide thank you cards in your van before she drives away thanking them for making my life the most important that it could be. I am probably worrying over nothing because this is so special to me and she is so special to me I never want there to be a day that she wakes up or goes to sleep not feeling like she did not get all the love she deserves. Like I know the daily poems, my 1 month anniversary card that I sent her where I commissioned a song that I sang for her since I also sing, and paying for a candlelight dinner with her was probably great.

I know most men don't go to half these lengths but I am not like other men. I value her as much as I value the air I breathe. I want to break the mold in every single way in life. And being autistic/adhd I want to try harder because I know there will be dumb things I do. For instance I don't drive but I would walk 10 miles just to be with her. One day she was not feeling well and I walked 1 mile to the gas station just to get her a pain pill because I did not want her to be in any pain. One our game night yesterday which lasted from 3 pm to 11 pm I left a sticky note with a poem on it on the steering wheel for her and a gift bag of candy for her child and a thank you card. 

My question is this: in spite of the hundreds of times she says I am the best thing ever, that we share the most amazing experiences, that we are already talking about moving in together...I cannot convince myself that I am entertaining enough, that I am really someone would want to be with and that I am someone who does enough for her. I guess that is normal. I want to give her the world. But how do I get over this fear? I guess I could hire a relationship coach perhaps. But what else can I do to show her how much I love her and to make her feel special? I am not asking this for me I am asking for her because if I am missing anything let me know. I am freaking out because this is my first relationship. And I want her to be the one because I just feel different being with her.

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How long have you been dating? Do you both work full time? How do you manage without a car? 

It sounds like you are suffocating her. Try giving her room to breathe rather than being ever present with all the notes poems writings and so on. You seem to want to pervade every single aspect of her life by having this overly romantic notion of inundating her.

Retain some appropriate boundaries.

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Don't do it. Too much of a good thing is never good and can turn into a turn off. You will make her feel suffocated. The less available the more desirable you will be to her. Give it a break, and just let things happen organically. Never force things on someone to make them like you. that is the wrong way to make someone appreciate you. Be laid back, relaxed, and yes I agree, let her breathe.  

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You know how I knew my husband was a keeper? Well one of the ways. I was talking on the phone to a friend, pacing around our apartment looking for - my scrunchie to get my hair out of my eyes.  All of a sudden my future husband silently hands me a scrunchie.  He knew. He got it.  I felt so cared for.  Also two days ago he offered to get up early to take our son to school so I could have more time to myself.  Oh and he never finishes a shared dessert in the fridge - he always leaves some for me or he will ask before finishing.  

He's also made far far more grand gestures over the years.  But it's those sorts of things that I recall first and that I focus the most on.  Just something for you to consider.  Me personally -I would feel overwhelmed and turned off by what you described -it's too much and I would suspect it was coming from a place of fear/approval seeking/insecurity -it would smell bad and make me cringe, not want to be with you.  The opposite.  Other women might love it!

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