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Found out my (F,26) ex (M,24) cheated on me and was snap-chatting his ex who has a boyfriend. My ex boyfriends ex also has HPV..


sunnydaze8
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3 weeks ago my (F,26) ex (M,24) dumped me after a fight/out of the blue after two years. None of his reasons really made sense - he was talking a lot about money which we never fought about so I found it odd. He was so cold and nasty during the breakup. I noticed the last couple of weeks he was being distant, spending a lot of time at his friends house, etc. All he kept saying was, "that's fine but I'm done" and "I'm tired of fighting about the same thing over and over." After trying to talk to him for an hour he ended up getting really mean and talking down to me. I haven't spoken to him since that day.

He has this certain ex (F,24) that he was on and off with for a long time. They would cheat on each other, she cheated on him with his best friend, she even sent half nudes to his step-dad and he STILL would take her back. It was weird but he assured me he was with me for me and didn't want her.

On May 15th of this year I heard his phone go off and looked and saw a Snapchat from a red headed girl. I asked, "who is this?" He immediately got defensive and told me it was one of his childhood best friends that he grew up with and that he was not going to block her because "I was not going to take another friend away from him." He stated that if I was going to keep going on about it that I could pack my stuff and leave. I stayed (stupidly). I even told him that it made me insecure about two weeks later and he said, "I don't even want to talk to her anymore."

His step-dad also told me the day before my ex dumped me he was snap-chatting this red-headed girl.

Today I woke up and had a strange feeling to seek out this ex's snapchat. No rhyme or reason and when I did, the same red-headed emoji/avatar popped up. It was/is his ex.

I immediately started shaking. Then I remembered, this ex recently was diagnosed which HPV. I can confirm that, do not ask me how I know.

I need to go get tested and I also don't know whether to confront him or not.

I'm very involved with his family as his cousin is my best friend. I haven't told her. His ex also has a long-term boyfriend and there's no way he knows as I'm sure he wouldn't be cool with her snapping my ex boyfriend.

I want to confront him and tell him what I know, that he got caught and then another part of me wants to stay silent and not make a fuss because what will confronting really do for me? I never pictured him as one to cheat - as he and I had so many talks about what that felt like and he was so controlling over other men talking to me, where I was, even if his step-dad was talking to me weird.

Tl;dr: My ex dumped me 3 weeks ago and at the time a lot of his reasons didn't make sense. Today I put the puzzle pieces together that he was snap-chatting his ex back in May to possibly now. This ex of his also has HPV and a boyfriend. I don't know whether to confront my ex or leave it alone.

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I'm sorry about all this.

I'm also a little confused. The infidelity—the cheating—you're talking about here is him snap chatting with his ex, if I'm correct? Are you deducing from that that he was sleeping with her, or was it a hard rule in your relationship that he not snap chat with this woman?

I ask to understand two things: the specifics of his unfaithfulness, and why you think you've contracted HPV, since that can't be contracted through social media. Regardless, always good to get tested, especially when you're newly single; I've always done it then, to know I'm reentering the world with a clean slate. 

Anyhow, I don't see much reason to confront him. You're no longer together, and while I understand that parsing through the particulars happens when the wound is fresh, you always come to the same answer: the relationship is over because one person opted out, as anyone can do at any time. The explanations never make sense to the person being broken up with, sadly.

This also confused me:

1 hour ago, sunnydaze8 said:

I never pictured him as one to cheat

 Given this reference to he previous relationship. 

1 hour ago, sunnydaze8 said:

They would cheat on each other

Still, my general advice is: get tested and, assuming all comes back negative, keep moving on and away from this guy. He doesn't sound like much of a catch. While it all hurts and feels crazy now, the more you remove yourself from that crazy and hurt the faster you'll be healed and ready for something less dramatic and more satisfying. 

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15 minutes ago, sunnydaze8 said:

Just the fact that I know. That he didn’t get away with it.

Unfortunately, such a confrontation would only make you come off as messed up and accusatory.

Instead, consider reaching for your best dignity and let him wonder how well you're doing.

Put him in your rearview mirror and hold your head high.

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7 hours ago, sunnydaze8 said:

Just the fact that I know. That he didn’t get away with it.

That you know that he sent a message to an ex? I think its kinda reduntant now. 

Its OK, you are still in grief over him breaking up. Feeling anger is one of the stages of it. Just dont confront him with anything(as it would only spiral you down again) and take care of yourself. It will pass in time.

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. Get tested for STDs and delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Stop flirting with his stepfather.

Is this the same man?:

 

Yes it is the same person.

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1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

That you know that he sent a message to an ex? I think its kinda reduntant now. 

Its OK, you are still in grief over him breaking up. Feeling anger is one of the stages of it. Just dont confront him with anything(as it would only spiral you down again) and take care of yourself. It will pass in time.

It’s just the fact he lied to me, straight to my face. If I would’ve done that to him, all hell would’ve broken loose.

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1 hour ago, sunnydaze8 said:

It’s just the fact he lied to me, straight to my face. If I would’ve done that to him, all hell would’ve broken loose.

I know what it feels like being lied to again and again and again from one bold faced lie and gaslighting to another so yes, I understand how angry and upset you are. At the moment take care of your own health, physically and mentally. Get tested and start caring for yourself now. 

The point is you’ve been pouring your heart and soul into this relationship and putting your physical health at risk long enough for a man who has a history of not being faithful. Stop that pattern absolutely dead in its tracks and end that. The time to care for yourself is now without spending more energies on what he is or what he’s doing or what he’s done to you.

I suggest you refocus and bring all that love and care back to yourself. The relationship is over. 

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6 hours ago, sunnydaze8 said:

It’s just the fact he lied to me, straight to my face. If I would’ve done that to him, all hell would’ve broken loose.

So then, don't lower yourself to engaging him further.

That won't end well, and you'll regret it.

Instead, move your focus forward, and you will thank yourself later.

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8 hours ago, sunnydaze8 said:

It’s just the fact he lied to me, straight to my face. If I would’ve done that to him, all hell would’ve broken loose.

That's every reason to just walk away. Be done with it. 

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19 hours ago, sunnydaze8 said:

He has this certain ex (F,24) that he was on and off with for a long time. They would cheat on each other, she cheated on him with his best friend, she even sent half nudes to his step-dad and he STILL would take her back. It was weird but he assured me he was with me for me and didn't want her.

^This is more than a forest of red flags, it's a straight up cesspool. If there is anything to take away from this entire situation is that you need to learn to step away from these kinds of things instead of wading deeper into it, regardless of what story you are being told about how he is over it, or a victim, or whatever. If there is ever a time to judge harshly and run for the hills, this would be it. People who get involved and stay involved in toxic relationships and cheating are toxic through and through and don't change. It's just who they are.

If I were you, I'd step away not only from your ex, but also from the whole tribe. Raise your standards and find better company for yourself.

Any time you feel tempted to confront him about what you know, just remember that when you wrestle with a pig, you'll both get muddy, but the pig enjoys it. You may think that confronting him will make you feel better, but I can guarantee you that you will walk away feeling even lower as he will pound you over your snooping and deflect everything else. He will walk away with actual ammo against you that he will spread around while you will limp away feeling worse than ever.

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How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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