Seriously confused and broken hearted …

[LadyTara]

Hi

 

Met a guy. I could see he was smitten from the beginning- I took longer as I had already told him I’d been heartbroken in the past from men professing their love so early on before dumping me once I reciprocate feelings. Red flags were him thinking every guy was after me as he said I’m so attractive even though I assured him it was only him I was interested in.  Another red flag- drunken text to me saying he hoped I wasn’t with him just to ‘settle’.

Fast forward several months.  Some great times and I felt so close to him.  Both said the L  word …. Then I get a text out of the blue saying he’s got too much stress in his life right now and by not being able to see me this is causing him to worry about me and how I am feeling and this is just another added stress he cannot cope with.

I said I would give him space and would prefer for the storm to pass.  He came to see me few days later said he’d missed me more than I’d ever know and that he’d tried to end it between us but he couldn’t as his feelings too strong.

He then organised us a trip away.  Then I didn’t hear from him for nearly a week … then another break up text stating that he thought it would get better but I’m so constantly on his mind so he has to break up as the space from me isn’t working? I again said I’m ok with waiting to which he eventually agreed but said the dreaded words you deserve so much better.  Then when I said look if you’re wanting to end ys as you’re no longer interested in me that’s fine I’ll walk away.  But if it’s just due to the temporary stress, then surely it would be worth hanging on due to his own self confessed strong feelings did me.  My last text to him asked him to check in with me to let me know how he is.  He replied of course he would as he couldn’t help himself not - is that false hope?!

Silence again for five days and I just don’t know what to think - heart and head are hurting esp as this has happened to me again- break my barriers down then back off  😢

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, LadyTara said:

drunken text to me saying he hoped I wasn’t with him just to ‘settle’.

…. Then I get a text out of the blue saying he’s got too much stress in his life right now and by not being able to see me this is causing him to worry about me.

Then I didn’t hear from him for nearly a week … then another break up text stating that he thought it would get better 

Silence again for five days and I just don’t know what to think

Sorry this is happening. How long were you dating altogether? What did he mean by "unable to see you"? Is this a distance relationship?

Does he have drinking, drug or mental health problems? Is he married/living with someone? Have you been to his home?

Do you know the real reasons for his disappearing acts? This sounds like a turbulent individual who's leading some sort of double life. On/off relationships mean something is significantly wrong, but he's using the "stress" excuse for his disappearances.

[Kwothe28]

Oof. Its indeed a red flag galore. Too much instability. He is very low on confidence and thinks you are settling and that you have an army of guys to snatch you away(is that what causing him to worry about you?). Says he loves you but breaks up. Then comes back and wants to go to holiday. But breaks up again.

How old is he? That is way too much unstable behavior. For somebody who is probably not a kid and wants a stable relationship. And if you didnt run away at first, you should now. There is nothing to wait there as he showed you he is not stable and cant offer you a stable relationship. Delete, block and move on.

[jul-els]

I would let this one go. Based on what you’ve said about him he sounds very confused and doesn’t have much to offer you in the way of a healthy, happy connection. Just a lot of heartache. Move on and give yourself the opportunity to find someone in a more healthy state of mind. 

[LadyTara]

Hi - he’s early 50s.  The crisis is that he’s just been made redundant from a highly paid job.  Just can’t understand the last conversation ended up in him saying of course I’ll keep in touch - after literally just stating his worrying about how I was feeling was too much.  I asked if his worrying about me was that I’d go off him as can’t see him atm sue to him asking for space, or if the worrying was that I’d go off with someone else … he said no, he was worrying about how I must be feeling due to him needing this space.

not a long distance thing- he lives 5 miles away.  Yeah I’ve been to his home and him to mine many times.

thank you for your advice- I’d be grateful for any further insight x

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, LadyTara said:

Hi - he’s early 50s.  The crisis is that he’s just been made redundant from a highly paid job.  Just can’t understand the last conversation ended up in him saying of course I’ll keep in touch - after literally just stating his worrying about how I was feeling was too much.  I asked if his worrying about me was that I’d go off him as can’t see him atm sue to him asking for space, or if the worrying was that I’d go off with someone else … he said no, he was worrying about how I must be feeling due to him needing this space.

not a long distance thing- he lives 5 miles away.  Yeah I’ve been to his home and him to mine many times.

thank you for your advice- I’d be grateful for any further insight x

I'd quit the analysis - focus on his actions. He's flaky and unreliable and self-absorbed.  Who cares why.  Buh bye.

[Rose Mosse]

He let you go and broke up with you. 

It may be the case that he feels low and is confused, feeling low worth, unable or doesn’t know how to contribute to a relationship. That’s on him and he’ll have to bring himself up to a point where he feels good enough to date again. Or, it may be an entirely different reason and someone else may have come back into the picture and so on. Or, he has discovered he and you are not compatible afterall but can’t tell you the reasons why. It’s just not working.

You feel sympathy and understanding because of his job loss and any other issues due to that but he’s basically let you go. He’s told you you deserve better and hasn’t responded to the other text about the relationship prior to the one about checking in.

There’s no checking in needed either and yes, it’s false hope. Take some time to absorb what just happened and let him go. If you don’t wish to be contacted let him know that and move on.

[LadyTara]

Yeah he broke up this changed his mind - twice.  I think he is feeling low self worth - said he doesn’t know how to make it better for everyone else.  He did respond by saying it was him worrying about my feelings was causing the extra stress.  I told him I’d walk away if he was trying to end it for compatibility - but he came back and said If I’m happy to wait then we would wait.  Then the lovey dovey text he last sent after all this - so confusing.  I’ve deleted his number so I can’t text him.  I asked him to  check in with me and he said of course he would as he basically made out there was no way that he couldn’t not text - just a weird turn around 

[Rose Mosse]

12 minutes ago, LadyTara said:

Yeah he broke up this changed his mind - twice.  I think he is feeling low self worth - said he doesn’t know how to make it better for everyone else.  He did respond by saying it was him worrying about my feelings was causing the extra stress.  I told him I’d walk away if he was trying to end it for compatibility - but he came back and said If I’m happy to wait then we would wait.  Then the lovey dovey text he last sent after all this - so confusing.  I’ve deleted his number so I can’t text him.  I asked him to  check in with me and he said of course he would as he basically made out there was no way that he couldn’t not text - just a weird turn around 

All you need to know is that he broke up with you and it wasn’t working for him. Don’t take this on yourself or assume that you didn’t do enough.

You seem like a caring and empathetic person and you were willing to wait out the storm until he would be back on his feet again but he declined that in a confusing way and let you down gently so as to make it sound like he was doing you a favour. The truth is he is showing he doesn’t want to be with you or try anymore. 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, LadyTara said:

but he came back and said If I’m happy to wait then we would wait.  Then the lovey dovey text he last sent after all this - so confusing. 

It's your decision to cut your losses. When someone ends it several times due to vague excuses like stress (everyone has stress!) something is wrong.

Are either of you in other relationships? Is this a distance situation? Have you met in person? How old is he? Does he drink heavily, do drugs or have mental health problems?

[LadyTara]

No we were both single. I’ve met his kids.  Been to his house. No substance issues or mental health.  A small alluding to having a crap abusive childhood but apart from that nothing.  The stress is a big one- redundancy when not long bought an expensive house and still paying exes mortgage cos if the kids.  I get that people break up and would have accepted if he said we’re just not working.  It’s the saying that I’m on his mind constantly that confuses me that he does wanna break up as there was really no need of him to say that- I haven’t been begging or cringeworthy.  He is the one saying that and saying that he cannot not check in with me.

 

but I also get the advice that actions do not follow his words.

[LadyTara]

Plus when he came to see me there was no inkling he wanted to break up for other reasons- in fact quite the opposite hence the confusion.

[Andrina]

He wants a FWB situation, not completing cutting the cord, yet not wanting to be in a serious relationship that comes with the expectations of what that entails.

Block him, so he's not ripping open a healing scab every time he decides to feed his ego by presenting you with the "grand gift" of his golden words, with you unable to quit him.

[Lambert]

15 minutes ago, LadyTara said:

I haven’t been begging or cringeworthy.  He is the one saying that and saying that he cannot not check in with me.

You're not cringe worthy. He is! this guy's 50! you dodged a major bullet. delete. block. ignore. for-EVER

[SooSad33]

21 minutes ago, LadyTara said:

 It’s the saying that I’m on his mind constantly that confuses me that he does wanna break up as there was really no need of him to say that- I haven’t been begging or cringeworthy.  He is the one saying that and saying that he cannot not check in with me.

He is just plain unstable.  That's all you need to realize.

To do the push & pull.  To dive right in with such statements, then end it with you ( and then again)?  Nooo thank you! 😕 

Yeah, he is 50.  He's been through a lot of crap I feel.  He doesn't have it in him to have a real, stable relationship- because he isn't.

Do not wait around for him to reach out... He's shown you enough. And should he reach out again, remember how this has been on you the last couple of months?

Walk away now.. stay away!  Just be done with it all.

 

[jul-els]

He’s putting you through a lot of emotional anguish due to his own emotional instability. This is what he has to offer you. The choice to accept it is yours. If scraps are what you want, then that’s what you’ll get. That’s what he has to offer. It isn’t going to change. 

[Batya33]

40 minutes ago, Andrina said:

He wants a FWB situation, not completing cutting the cord, yet not wanting to be in a serious relationship that comes with the expectations of what that entails.

Block him, so he's not ripping open a healing scab every time he decides to feed his ego by presenting you with the "grand gift" of his golden words, with you unable to quit him.

Yes. And the only one making it confusing is you. Either he's all in with enthusiasm consistent with actions -reliable, caring, thoughtful, consistent actions -or walk away and don't indulge in psychologically analyzing him or interacting with him when he's all over the place.  

[catfeeder]

Unfortunately, there's never been anything stable about this man from the very first red flags you listed.

Did you really believe this to mean that somehow things would get better from there?

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, LadyTara said:

 still paying exes mortgage cos if the kids.  

He's not ready to date. He's ready to have sex if and when he's not "stressed", but the rest of the time he's in the throes of the financial and custody fall out from his divorce (if it's even final).

Cut your losses and delete and block him. He wants casual sex, you want a relationship. That is not going to end well for you.

[smackie9]

he's just being a coward, and has no regard for your feelings at all. He's a jerk. Why? who knows. Yo may never know and that is the coward in him...he can't even be honest with you. 

[Cherylyn]

This guy has red flags all over the place.  Beware.  He drinks.  It's your decision whether you want to date a guy who drinks.  Whether he drinks responsibly or not is based upon your observation over time.  Will you have the patience to have a wait and see attitude?

He gave you those typical "It's not you,  it's me" scenarios and excuses.  Same channel, same old country song ballad.  ☹️

You don't hear from him for a week.  He's abnormal.  Then he asks for space.  Well, then why don't you give it to him?  Give him all the space he wants plus more!  Then he gives you silence yet again for five days. 

Text him this:  "It's best to go our separate ways.  We are mismatched.  Please do not contact me.  Thank you for respecting and honoring my wishes.  I wish you all the best.  Sincerely,  Your Name."  Move on.  Back off permanently.