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How to deal with transitioning without so much anxiety and angst?


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Been dating someone for a year now. All is good with a few wrinkles being the issue described below.

We are 50 miles apart so he really wanted to live together. I do like his area more but am still working part time at least through most of next year. It will require me to travel once a week. In the interim, I still have my own home that I shared with my late husband.

we ended up leasing an apartment near him 2 months ago. In the interim, I thought I'd stay at my home a few days a week and go into work (only 6 miles from my home) and then go to the apt late Wednesday/early Thursday until late Sunday (I don't work Thurs or Fridays).

My adult daughter has been very resistant to me making this change (even though she lives out of state). She says she barely knows him (they met twice and she wasn't particularly friendly either time), My adult son lives in the area and does like him. My friends and family like him as well.

I really care for my bf and have been looking for someone like this for over 10 years and I know he cares for me a great deal.

I do feel "guilty" in a sense but mostly, anxious about selling my home too soon. My bf is trying to encourage me to clean out and sell my home in the next few months so we can spend more time together which I appreciate. But I like to have a Plan B just in case.

How do I manage my bf not becoming discouraged and at the same time, deal with my daughter who, despite me giving her assurances I'm comfortable making my own decisions, keeps making negative comments?

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Unless you were looking to sell anyway and unless this is the best financial decision for you I wouldn't make such a huge financial commitment and change for a boyfriend.  Do it for yourself if you were going to anyway.  As far as your daughter I understand you want her to be happy for you but she is an adult and yes you're going to have to live your life for you.  

What is your boyfriend giving up in order to spend more time with you? Do you have plans to marry?

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34 minutes ago, tryingtotransition3009 said:

My bf is trying to encourage me to clean out and sell my home in the next few months so we can spend more time together which I appreciate. But I like to have a Plan B just in case.

See an attorney about protecting your assets. Your children may or may not like him but dating a year is a bit to soon to make major financial changes. What is the big rush selling your house and living together? 

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1 hour ago, tryingtotransition3009 said:

How do I manage my bf not becoming discouraged and at the same time, deal with my daughter who, despite me giving her assurances I'm comfortable making my own decisions, keeps making negative comments?

His "discouragement' (because you're not jumping to do what he wants?) is his problem to manage, not yours.  If your BF is any kind of quality man, he'll understand and not push you to do things you're not comfortable with.

If I were you I'd slow down before you make a mistake you can't undo.  Because you've been single and looking for ten years is not an excuse to put his wants before your common sense.

Talk to your daughter about her concerns.  Ask her to give specifics.  Sometimes one perceptive person will see things that everyone else is missing.

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Putting aside what your BF and your daughter want for a minute, what do you want that will make you feel less anxious and comfortable? It seems you are feeling pressure from both.

I think, personally, it's your good sense wanting a plan B at this stage and maybe your gut is trying to tell you to slow down a bit to give yourself space to process and do this right.

If you sell your home and move in together full time, will your finances be joined? Are you planning marriage or common law? 

One year is quite fast ... what's the harm in spending more time in the current arrangement until you feel totally confident in merging? Selling your house is a big deal. It's ok to be tentative, he should understand that. 

 

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2 hours ago, tryingtotransition3009 said:

we ended up leasing an apartment near him 2 months ago. 

Are you both paying for this? Where is his house? Why does he need to lease an apt? Find out if he has financial issues. Do not move in together or sell your home before you do some background checks including what his financial situation is. Talk to an account and attorney about the wisdom of selling the house and comingling assets to buy him a home.

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1 hour ago, tryingtotransition3009 said:

Been dating someone for a year now. All is good with a few wrinkles being the issue described below.

We are 50 miles apart so he really wanted to live together. I do like his area more but am still working part time at least through most of next year. It will require me to travel once a week. In the interim, I still have my own home that I shared with my late husband.

we ended up leasing an apartment near him 2 months ago. In the interim, I thought I'd stay at my home a few days a week and go into work (only 6 miles from my home) and then go to the apt late Wednesday/early Thursday until late Sunday (I don't work Thurs or Fridays).

My adult daughter has been very resistant to me making this change (even though she lives out of state). She says she barely knows him (they met twice and she wasn't particularly friendly either time), My adult son lives in the area and does like him. My friends and family like him as well.

I really care for my bf and have been looking for someone like this for over 10 years and I know he cares for me a great deal.

I do feel "guilty" in a sense but mostly, anxious about selling my home too soon. My bf is trying to encourage me to clean out and sell my home in the next few months so we can spend more time together which I appreciate. But I like to have a Plan B just in case.

How do I manage my bf not becoming discouraged and at the same time, deal with my daughter who, despite me giving her assurances I'm comfortable making my own decisions, keeps making negative comments?

Don’t sell your home if it’s making you anxious. Take your time with the relationship and if he’s pressuring you he’s not for you. Your daughter has a point. While it’s not particularly any of her business she may worry for you if things go south. Who else do you call if things don’t work out than family or close friends? 

Do what feels right to you and don’t move too quickly if you have reservations. I think you’re just annoyed/perturbed that your daughter is a voice of reason and even though this isn’t her choice to make. 

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2 hours ago, tryingtotransition3009 said:

My bf is trying to encourage me to clean out and sell my home in the next few months so we can spend more time together

It sounds like he's hustling you. He wants you to make all the changes, particularly financially. Trust your instincts. Your anxiety and angst is telling you this is a red flag.

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In the end, is all up to YOU.

I suggest you do as you want. Meaning continue dating him and let her sort her stuff out on her own.  She's an adult and doesn't even live at home anymore.

As for you selling, I highly suggest you don't!  Again, do as YOU seem fit.  You've only been dating around a year.  Do as you are now, which seems to be working okay?  Staying closer to him a few days a week.

See how things pan out by giving this another year or two.  Make sure all continues smoothly for you.

As mentioned, inside you're feeling some anxiety.  Don't take the pressures from him in this.  Stand your ground. TC of you.

 

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Less than a year dating and he's not talking about having fun, traveling, doing enjoyable things that retired and semi retired people do.

Rather, he's deciding how to spend your money. Do not rent out your home or make any other foolish decisions. Instead heed your instincts and talk to your adult children about their concerns.

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11 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Can you rent your home for the income and still keep it in your own name?

This^^^rent your home, use the rent money to cover property taxes/insurance and your own rent at new place. Look at it as a investment for your future. If things don't work out there is your plan B still intact. If your BF doesn't like this decision, he's not the one for you and has ulterior motives. Also if you live together make sure to look into the local laws about common-law relationships. Your financial nest egg could be in jeopardy and he can take half in the even of a breakup. If you live together, DO NOT share a bank account/credit card or make large purchases together. Don't lend him money, don't borrow money. please discuss this with him before moving in. Make sure there are financial boundaries set in place, how bills will be divided, how the chores with be dealt with, etc. 

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Your adult daughter is using her intuition and gut instincts on this this guy and I would, too.

This guy is moving awfully fast.  He's in big hurry and rush for you to uproot financially which is a huge red flag.  I'd pump the brakes on this one to be sure.

Continue leasing the apartment while allowing the relationship to mature ~ if it's headed in that direction, that is.  Your current arrangement of staying at home a few days a week since it's close to work and going to the apt Wed / Thurs until Sunday works so if it isn't broke, don't fix it !

He senses your loneliness and desperation ever since your late husband passed away.  I'm sorry.  This guy senses your vulnerability and he's pouncing on the opportunity for monetary benefits.

Your boyfriend's eagerness for you to clean out and sell your house within the next few months is alarmingly pushy. 

Haste makes waste.  It is highly suspicious anytime a person demonstrates overzealous behavior because it is ABNORMAL.  Usually, overzealous behaviors are caused by very manipulative, ulterior motives.  Wake up.

What is your Plan B?  Your 'just in case' caution is in your brain for a reason.  Take heed.

Manage your boyfriend by demonstrating your steadfast behavior.  Be in control of your own life including real estate and all finances.  Never become persuaded to do anything.  Be prudent, shrewd and very wise because it will save you.

Deal with your daughter by telling her that you will make sound decisions.  Ignore her negative comments and limit contact.  During correspondence with her, keep it light, polite and very brief. 




 

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4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

This^^^rent your home, use the rent money to cover property taxes/insurance and your own rent at new place. Look at it as a investment for your future. If things don't work out there is your plan B still intact.

Thanks, Smackie, and yes, OP, since you already have a shared place with BF, consider how you can keep your private real estate--with your name on the deed--as a protected asset, even while you enjoy some flexibility around all else.

For instance, it makes no sense to divide your life for a PART TIME job. Look for such a job closer to your shared residence with BF, unless the current one offers you a slew of monetary benefits to which you are already vested?

Otherwise, seek advisement on how to rent your home on a month-to-month, or as an AirB&B, or whatever best suits you--but without a full year lease that would block you from resuming residency should your relationship not work to your liking.

This may satisfy daughter's concerns, because in many locations, once you sell 'Real' property and co-mingle those funds with another, you are out 50% of those monies should the partnership dissolve.

So, are there any barriers preventing you from doing this?

 

 

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40 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

once you sell 'Real' property and co-mingle those funds with another, you are out 50% of those monies should the partnership dissolve.

This, exactly.

My brother separated from his wife (physically, not legally) and bought a house during the separation. He had to go to court to have the house declared his sole property as it otherwise would have been considered marital property and his wife would have been entitled to half ownership.

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

This, exactly.

My brother separated from his wife (physically, not legally) and bought a house during the separation. He had to go to court to have the house declared his sole property as it otherwise would have been considered marital property and his wife would have been entitled to half ownership.

Yes, and in certain locations, you are protected from dissolution with regard to any real estate to which you solely carried the deed upon entry, BUT IF YOU SELL THAT PROPERTY, your new husband, or in some locations, a new domestic partner, is automatically considered 50% vested in anything new you both move into together.

We don't know how much of these laws apply to you, so apply for legal aid if you are lower income, or otherwise see an attorney for legal advice before selling anything.

I'll bet this is what has daughter so concerned.

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