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Boyfriend upset I dont volunteer to give a BJ


Tess3
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I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years and we recently had a baby. As some of you know,  a newborn takes a lot out of you and we havent been as sexually active as we used to be. Lately hes been getting upset that I dont give him BJs as often as he wants them to be. I work and take care of the baby but I have no problem giving him what he wants, however, he wants me to volunteer to give him a BJ without him asking because I want to do it. like, I will if he asks (when the baby is asleep and not crying) but apparently that's not good enough. He says if I dont want to then to not worry about it and he gets in a fussy mood the rest of the day. I'll do it but I'm not going to be ecstatic like he wants me to be. I'm very confused. 

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He's giving you important information you can use to give him a gift when you're so inclined.

Think of how much fun it might be to surprise BF at some point and make him happy. You might learn that a certain spirit of generosity can transform something away from being viewed as a chore to something far more advantageous.

BF doesn't want to feel as though his favorite thing is just a chore for you.

Some of the most successful couples use negotiation, rather than silent expectations, as a fair exchange of what each partner values. Some couples exchange bribery lists--like holiday gift lists that can be used all year around.

Consider giving BF some insights about things he can do for you, too, if he'd ever like to surprise you with a gift.

 

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Just now, lostandhurt said:

What does he do for you without you asking?  Lets start there.

Sure, or what could he do? Let him know.

You get to decide whether to turn pleasing one another into a good thing that can lift you both UP during this time of stress and exhaustion, or whether you want to use a lens of insult to spiral one another downward.

It's a decision.

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One shouldn't feel pressured in these situations.  It should be given willingly and appreciated.

Some people don't even fancy giving oral ( I know a few).  He should be happy enough you give him that much! ( And on top of it he acts out when he doesn't get it when he wants it?)  Give it a break!

How about you make him realize all that is going on here, with your new little one, working and your own self care-  that it is NOT just ( all about) him and ask him to stop making you feel guilt.

Hopefully, he'll grow up and get over it.  😉 

 

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7 hours ago, Tess3 said:

. He says if I dont want to then to not worry about it and he gets in a fussy mood the rest of the day. 

That's manipulative. Pouting because he's not getting what he wants. What you can do is tell him to go shopping, clean up the house, change, feed or look after the baby. Keep him busy. He's watching too much porn and expects a tired harried new mother to be deep throat. Pull back. Attend to yourself and your newborn. Let him take on more adult responsibilities.

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Does he wants you to offer him an anal every week to feel better too?

OP, your guy is a "manchild". That wants you to read his mind and do something with enthusiasm and then pouts out if you didnt do it. You are within your rights not to be enthusiastic about it and even say "No". Dont let him and his emotions drive you and do it when you feel like it.

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5 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Having just recently had a baby, it's not surprising you're not up to volunteering BJs.  The vast majority of men do not, and cannot, understand how much your body (and hormones) change just after having had a baby. Kudos to you for still doing it anyway when he asks.  Many women aren't up to it for some time after giving birth.  He needs to be patient and maybe educate himself a little on how giving birth affects your sex life for a little while.

Yes so here is how I would put it. With "I" statements.  I just went through a pregancy and birth.  My body is still recovering and I am very tired caring for a newborn.  Google fourth trimester.  My body is nursing (if you are) my body is still attached to our child because I am overjoyed to hold him and cuddle him and walk around with him to help him sleep and it means my body is not my own to shower when I want, pee when I want, take a sip of water or eat something when I want. So doing more with my body right now doesn't feel good or comfortable.  I know in a couple of months things willl settle in more.  I plan to get back to exercising and I am trying to eat right so I can regain energy.  Just hang in there with me, ok?"

Maybe also get him a book on the subject (and for you the book Strong as a Mother is supposed to be really good).

Also -are there plans to marry? If not why not? Are you happy in general with your choice to become parents?

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12 hours ago, Tess3 said:

He says if I dont want to then to not worry about it and he gets in a fussy mood the rest of the day. 

What’s the likelihood this has nothing to do with you or number of bjs? Don’t be taken in with the fussy moods. Something else may be bothering him and he’s taking it out on you. 

Do you quarrel over any other issues? Has he always been so selfish? Was this baby planned? Is he employed? What are his relationships like with his coworkers, family/friends?  

 

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1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

Something else may be bothering him and he’s taking it out on you

Agree. You're working full time just had a child, so he's acting like a broody baby who isn't getting attention. Do not apologize, explain preganacy childbirth nursing etc. he's a grown man. Do not reward this with pampering or kid gloves or worse taking the blame.

Instead give him tasks to keep him occupied. For example, if he says "I need a blow job" say..."that reminds me, could you vacuum the living room?"

You need to delegate and enlist help with household tasks and chores and childcare, since you are working full time. Do not give him info on human reproduction/maternity. That's not the issue.

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Don't reward tantrums or sulking with oral sex.  Otherwise, he'll learn (just like a toddler does...) that if he whines and pouts he'll get his own way.

Some immature men are jealous of their own children and the attention the children get from their mother (their wife/girlfriend).  

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Like a lot of men in his situation, they are jealous/upset at the fact the child/baby has taken away attention they are used to having. It's disturbing but it's true. I know of new fathers that go out and have cheated because they feel entitled because they were "cut off/not getting it" either physically or emotionally, and I know fathers that come home and take over because they want to have their time bonding with their child with bathing, feeding, etc. giving mom much needed time to herself. So which father's actions would create more desire for intimacy? It's a no brainer.

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6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do not give him info on human reproduction/maternity. That's not the issue.

It couldn't hurt.  Some just genuinely don't get it.  

A few days (definitely less than a week) after my first baby was born, my then-H was clever enough to figure out that vaginal sex was out for a while, so his solution was to happily suggest anal sex.  No really, he actually thought this was a realistic suggestion.  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

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59 minutes ago, waffle said:

It couldn't hurt.  Some just genuinely don't get it.  

A few days (definitely less than a week) after my first baby was born, my then-H was clever enough to figure out that vaginal sex was out for a while, so his solution was to happily suggest anal sex.  No really, he actually thought this was a realistic suggestion.  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Yeah, my husband wanted some a week after I'd endured childbirth with NO pain medication at all and an episiotomy that required twelve stitches.  I offered to show him my lady parts to see if he would still be horny after seeing what it looked like.  He got the message. But we found other ways to have fun. What he did NOT do was sulk or whine or complain that I wasn't "voluntarily" giving him a handy.

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I think personally a good rule of thumb is not to have sex/be sexual if you aren't really feeling it. I do get why he wouldn't want just a rote going through the motions bj to "give him what he wants".

And yet, him pouting and complaining is ridiculous. Takes one minute to Google about post maternity and there's endless resources out there to clue him in to why his SO isn't jumping up and down to give him bjs right now. His expectations are wack and there's zero excuse for it.

Just be honest with him. And stop with the sad bjs just to please him. He will have to deal with his new reality as a dad and with an SO who recently went through childbirth maturely...the alternative is turning you off long term. 

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4 minutes ago, IAG said:

I think personally a good rule of thumb is not to have sex/be sexual if you aren't really feeling it. I do get why he wouldn't want just a rote going through the motions bj to "give him what he wants".

So I would modify this because I know when I was post partum I was so wildly exhausted and hormonal, etc I mean - no way.  But sometimes if you start slow -cuddle, be affectionate, etc then it can revive those sexy feelings even if it didn't start out that way.  I think it's really important that your partner know it might not include having sex but honestly in that situation he likely shouldn't have those sorts of expectations especially since the baby can wake up and need attention, etc

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Just now, Batya33 said:

So I would modify this because I know when I was post partum I was so wildly exhausted and hormonal, etc I mean - no way.  But sometimes if you start slow -cuddle, be affectionate, etc then it can revive those sexy feelings even if it didn't start out that way.  I think it's really important that your partner know it might not include having sex but honestly in that situation he likely shouldn't have those sorts of expectations especially since the baby can wake up and need attention, etc

Makes sense. If it happens organically, bonus. 

But like you said, not having those expectations going in. 

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