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Wife confessed to cheating on me before we were married...


adviceseeker123
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34 minutes ago, waffle said:

I would've seen a lawyer and you would have already been served with divorce papers.

OK but why, what did he actually do wrong? If his wife only just told him six weeks ago that she had kissed another guy, obviously it's not like he knew about it back then. He couldn't have acted on it nine years ago or resolved anything because he didn't know. His wife actually did cheat on him, he knows that much. Maybe he can forgive her but why is he expected just to be cool with it? Just because it happened nine years ago doesn't mean it's not hurtful and he's meant to just not care and feel nothing. And in terms of trust now he might be wondering what else has she not told him if in nine years she never told him about this?

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OP I think when you get the phone records, you should be able to see if your wife was contacting that guy or not and hopefully it'll give you more clarity. What I do find suspicious is the lying and hiding things. She did have that guy's number saved under her female friend's name. If she really never contacted him again then why did she have his number? And she was hiding it for some reason...? Also why has this guy all of a sudden blocked you? He didn't have any reason to block you but after you had that conversation with your wife he's done that? If she was scared that you'd talk to him about what happened, she told you they just kissed so if that's true then the guy would just confirm that, right? Why doesn't she want you to talk to him? Is there more to the story?

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I am going through similar situation, but have only been together for almost a year and not married with kids.  The main takeaway I can see is she was honest with you now as before she probably didn’t think the relationship was safe enough to divulge this information.  If the kiss meant more, then she wouldn’t be with you and and be with the other guy.  
 

Also it seems you are trying to win the argument and dig up records, etc. which others have mentioned is a rabbit hole.  What I did was actually ask the guy about events and verify, but even then I still have doubts.  What will the phone records reveal to you?  If she is still in contact behind your back, then yes I can see it as some form of betrayal or if the phone records revealed a long history of calls and texts between the two.

If everything is good with the relationship and both of you are able to trust and communicate through difficult conversations, then I can see you guys being able to get through this situation.  What if she never felt safe enough to share what happened that night.  I know I constantly relived and questioned my partner to the point she was crying and having depression.  
 

Believe me, it doesn’t feel good for either person in the relationship.  We all have a boundary on what we will tolerate and I hope you are able to salvage what you guys have together.  Also be careful saying too many hurtful “truths” to try and get your point across as they will always remember those moments.  If you want to prove more happened and keep reliving the past, then your option, but it may result in her feeling like she can’t change the past or leave to greener pastures.  

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16 hours ago, adviceseeker123 said:

. We have 3 kids aged from 11 to 4.   customer service and he said we couldn't get the detailed billing statement from that time without a lawyer..

How many lives do you plan to destroy on this ridiculous jealousy before you get therapy for whatever is really bothering you? You're creating inordinate drama over this.

Why don't you focus on being a good father and husband rather than expecting phone records from a decade ago because you ran into someone who "seemed odd"?

Google "Othello Syndrome". It's about men who become pathologically obsessed with perceived infidelity to the point of interrogations and trying to seek "proof".

 

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7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How many lives do you plan to destroy on this ridiculous jealousy before you get therapy for whatever is really bothering you? You're creating inordinate drama over this.

Why don't you focus on being a good father and husband rather than expecting phone records from a decade ago because you ran into someone who "seemed odd"?

Google "Othello Syndrome". It's about men who become pathologically obsessed with perceived infidelity to the point of interrogations and trying to seek "proof".

 

What are you talking about?? 
 

The guy was odd so I ASKED my wife what happened between them, I never interrogated anyone. And she said she kissed him. That is not me imagining anything or at all Othello Syndrome at all….that is my wife telling me she cheated. So then I ask if she ever had his number, she said no… that is lying…So then I find out she has his number in her phone under a woman’s name… that’s suspicious …. And then I asked her if more happened…she says no, but the odds would have it there probably was... She wasn’t completely truthful this far so how can I trust she is about this… if she can’t tell me the truth about this, what else can’t she tell the truth about? How can we have trust if there isn’t honesty. What’s so hard to understand?

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If you really don't care if she had a one-night stand or night, why you keep trying to make her look like a fool?  One, I think this overkill tactic is from you being embarrassed, because she kept it from you for so long, and knowing if anyone else knew, but kept it from you is also embarrassing and makes you question your friendship with those who knew.  But I also think a lot of the problem is you trying to deflect from the fact you probably have been a less than stellar partner from time to time.  You don't mention what happened 9 years ago, other than you were starting a business, or how you two pulled through.  It's easier to make her out to be the sinner than figure out how you were culpable in the marriage.

But I hear you...one kiss can cause years of distrust. An affair can really takes years to work past.  Just take it one day at a time.  Looking at phone records won't make you feel better.  And the witch hunt won't either.

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2 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

Ironic that OP's partner cheated on him and he's made out to be the bad guy.

Oh wait, not ironic, I meant totally predictable.

I don't think he's the bad guy.  I think his approach is a mistake because it's not in the best interests of his children for one thing. 

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34 minutes ago, adviceseeker123 said:

And she said she kissed him...that is my wife telling me she cheated. So then I ask if she ever had his number, she said no… that is lying…So then I find out she has his number in her phone under a woman’s name… that’s suspicious …. And then I asked her if more happened…she says no, but the odds would have it there probably was... She wasn’t completely truthful this far so how can I trust she is about this…How can we have trust if there isn’t honesty.

Question: If the phone bill arrives, and shows zero evidence of her communicating with him after that evening, do you think you'll be at peace? Do you think you'll believe her and trust the basic outline of what she's been saying? Most importantly, do you think you'll be able to admit that some of your most incendiary assumptions here are wrong

From where I sit you are assigning very harsh labels to some very gray areas. I get it: this is a hard time, and odds are (and correct me if I'm wrong) that this night has been a thorn in the sweater for some time. Still, to say "that is lying" is maybe...well, not true. Maybe she sincerely did not remember the number part because that evening sincerely meant nothing to her, save for it being a terrible choice that stirred fear and shame.

Is this a reality you can entertain? It seems essential to your marriage, if staying in it, and staying happy in it, is a goal.

In your opening post you noted: "She didn't tell me for the longest time because she didn't know how I'd take it as I used to be stressed out to the max and unpredictable." Are you willing to share a bit more about that time? The way you feel right now: Is it similar to how you felt while stressed to the max and unpredictable?

I'm writing here under the assumption that your marriage, these past many years, has been a good one, and that had you and I hung out two months ago that's what you'd have told me. (Is this so?) And if that's the case I really think, when all the smoke clears, you'll both be pretty heartbroken if things capsize because of this cycle of litigation and punishment. I'm feeling for you, in short, but rooting for you both here.  

 

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8 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

Ironic that OP's partner cheated on him and he's made out to be the bad guy.

Oh wait, not ironic, I meant totally predictable.

Understanding how you are culpable in a marriages doesn't make someone bad or good.  Being accountable is important for each and every person.

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9 hours ago, adviceseeker123 said:

The guy was odd so I ASKED my wife what happened between them, I never interrogated anyone. 

Not true.  You've been harassing your wife with this phone records search and asking her repeatedly about some night ten years ago, threatening her with "tell me now before the phone records come" etc.  Sounds like a very happy home you're creating there.

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23 hours ago, Tinydance said:

OK but why, what did he actually do wrong? 

He has handled this terribly.

Honestly if you get to the point where you are obtaining phone records from ten years ago (or the last ten years as a whole? not clear on that) then frankly your marriage is already over.

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10 hours ago, adviceseeker123 said:

She wasn’t completely truthful this far so how can I trust she is about this… if she can’t tell me the truth about this, what else can’t she tell the truth about? How can we have trust if there isn’t honesty. What’s so hard to understand?

Sounds like maybe you haven't decided you won't leave her. 

It is a journey and only you know what you can live with. 

I wonder is your ego getting the better of you.  Has there been periods of mistrust or other instances where you questioned her motives and actions?

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On 8/11/2022 at 11:01 AM, adviceseeker123 said:

...Ive never had any reason to question her trust so I accepted it for what she said it was and moved on. During that time our relationship wasn't the best. I had just started a business and it was consuming a lot of my time and unfortunately I put everything else on the back burner to get the business off the ground, including her. I wasn't sensitive to her needs.

I can only speak for myself, and I guess I'd need to question why, if this ^^^ was good enough for me back then, why would I want to resurrect this NOW, 9 years later, and make it my hill to die on?

And at the expense of my marriage? Maybe I'm not really as happy as I claim, and this can be a useful wedge to drive between wife and me. I can cast her as 'the bad guy' to gain my out.

It sounds as though you're on a mission for those records to deliver you some position of superiority from which you can villainize wife and feel legitimate about it.

Sorry, you asked for opinions, and I don't claim that I'm right--just offering my initial impression, because if I really loved my spouse, I certainly wouldn't do this.

 

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Maybe it's just me but if my SO were to say "if you ever don't believe something , look through my iPad phone laptop" it wouldn't feel transparent to me. A cheater will cheat and digging through their stuff doesn't matter. That's just a game you can't win.

And I'm not saying she's a cheater. She did kiss a guy many years ago, hid it from you, but maybe that's all she ever did that was unfaithful. 

The point is, can you get back to just trusting her word? What have you learned of her character in all these years together? 

It would make my eyebrow raise to have my SO say "I wanted the attention, I wanted to feel liked, I didn't tell you because I didn't know how you would react as you were so stressed and unpredictable". Like umm I call bs there. She blew it, made a mistake - just own it and not make it about you. In essence, that's not really taking responsibility.

So I'd take all that, and everything I know about the person - does she take responsibility for her mistakes in life? In the relationship, in general? Is she straightforward? Does she blame others when she messes up or go running looking for validation when she feels she's not getting enough attention?

If she has matured, if those character traits are not her, then I'd figure, it's her one or two off we all get, a screw up when young and dumb, and just let it go.

But really...is there other reasons you doubt her now? It seems to be rattling you deep, and I wonder why if as you say you have this solid marriage and she's a good person/wife/mother. 

 

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17 hours ago, adviceseeker123 said:

 I never interrogated anyone. And she said she kissed him. . And then I asked her if more happened…she says no.

No, that's your wife telling you she kissed someone 10 years ago at a party before you were married. She seems to recoil from your draconian methods and attitudes.  Yes you're badgering and interrogating her. You're putting her on trial, replete with all sorts of faux evidence. If you believe that's helping your marriage, carry on. But be prepared for her getting tired of this.

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5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

No, that's your wife telling you she kissed someone 10 years ago at a party before you were married. She seems to recoil from your draconian methods and attitudes.  Yes you're badgering and interrogating her. You're putting her on trial, replete with all sorts of faux evidence. If you believe that's helping your marriage, carry on. But be prepared for her getting tired of this.

To be fair how does he know the evidence is false? I mean, he did find she had his number hidden under a female friend's number in her phone. Why did she do this? Like, if she never talked to him or saw him again then why did she have his number? Also the guy blocked him, why? I'm not saying she did anything else apart from kissing but this does seem off. However yes he didn't find anything else so really there isn't much else to be done. If he doesn't find anything else and nothing in the phone records then he'll just be faced with a choice. Forgive his wife and move on, or leave her because nine years ago she kissed another guy.

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To everyone saying I have been badgering and interrogating my wife…

Do you feel like you’re badgered or interrogated “when your asked what do you want for dinner” I simply stated, I’m getting the phone records, if there’s anything you recall differently let’s talk about it now because you already burned up your “I didn’t remember” excuse when I found his number in your phone, UNDER A GIRLS NAME... Kinda like hey… maybe you should sit down and try to remember because it’s harder to believe someone when they commit to one answer and evidence would say otherwise…The phone bill isn’t going to lie…

You guys make it sound like I had her in a dark room, hooked to a polygraph, with a spot light in her face…

There was no aggression shown, no demeaning tone, hell I couldn’t even look at her when I said it… I’m damaged goods, how the hell am I going to be on the offensive during this?! I’m seeking truth while questioning the trust I thought we had. 

If the phone records show there’s more to what she’s told me then obviously there’s a bigger picture here that warrants some explanation and I probably won’t have an easy time believing a single thing she’s told me to this point…

…If there’s nothing in the phone records then I’d say it’s safe to say she’s telling the truth (or majority of it) and we can begin to rebuild with the beginnings of trust. 

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What is your understanding as a couple as far as having friends of the opposite gender? Have you ever accused her before of crossing lines? 

Many years ago I dated a guy for about two months.  I was late 30s/he early 40s -never married, etc.  We were not exclusive yet.  I'd mentioned to him offhandedly that I had to go to a lot of networking events for work and it wasn't my favorite always especially after a long day of work.  One night we were out and I opened my main purse compartment. He peered in and saw a couple of business cards.  He said something like "I thought you said you didn't like networking" -meaning "why would you have all these business cards if you don't like networking/must mean you're trying to meet other guys" (yes this is exactly what he meant).  

That for me was the beginning of the end.  Once I was "accused" of having been untruthful plus pursuing other men (which I could have been doing anyway- we were not exclusive) - alarm bells went off. I did hang in there a few more weeks but building up trust is a nonstarter when that is the attitude.  Think about it. 

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14 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Op

Let me ask you a simple question.

What do you want to accomplish at the end of all this?  Be honest with us and yourself please.

Lost

I’m not leaving my wife if that’s what you’re asking. 

I want to feel as though I can trust her…

Other than her telling me about the kiss, this entire time I’ve felt as though she’s only told me what I’ve found out on my own. She never disclosed that she had his number until I found out. She never disclosed they texted or talked until I said I was getting the phone bill. And after every time I’ve had some sort of discovery I’ve asked her… is there more I should know… her answer has been No every time… I want the truth, I want to feel like she’s telling me 100% of the truth. I want to be able to trust her. The last thing I want is 9 more years down the road she tells me she had an affair that went on for months or longer. I want it all out on the table so we can clean it off, and move on. 
 

That is 100% the honest answer. 

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2 minutes ago, adviceseeker123 said:

I want to feel like she’s telling me 100% of the truth. I want to be able to trust her. The last thing I want is 9 more years down the road she tells me she had an affair that went on for months or longer. I want it all out on the table so we can clean it off, and move on. 

But taking the lawyer/court/judge approach will damage your relationship so much.  And it won't put it behind you because records from that long ago may not have all the info you're seeking.  And then what? Either you trust her without this "proof" or you don't because part of marriage is taking people at their word.  If you can't I'd consider counseling and/or leaving -the latter of which would be so awful for the children you decided to have together.

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And for everyone else saying this was 9 years ago, move on. 
I will be the first to say that I am not the man I was 9 years ago. I’m a better version of myself. I communicate better, I’m tentative to her needs, and love her more than I ever thought one could love another.
 

My wife 9 years ago that cheated on me, is not the woman I’m married to today. She is also a better version of herself… but the woman that my wife is today is the one that has to answer for the woman 9 years ago. My wife today is the woman that has also chose to be honest with me or not…  so to say that I should just move on all Willy nilly because that was 9 years ago… would you be able to in the event this happened to you? Wouldn’t you have some questions? Wouldn’t you want answers? Wouldn’t you want to know the truth? Or would you really be ok knowing deep down you were probably lied to, or the one that claims to trust you with all, can’t tell you everything?

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2 minutes ago, adviceseeker123 said:

Wouldn’t you have some questions? Wouldn’t you want answers? Wouldn’t you want to know the truth? Or would you really be ok knowing deep down you were probably lied to, or the one that claims to trust you with all, can’t tell you everything?

I would want answers. And if I thought the only way to get answers was to be or hire a private investigator I'd only do that as part of divorce proceedings.  There are some things that if you can't accept the person's word then the issue is the relationship is over, not that the bandaid of phone records will help.  It's not about the number of years or that it was likely not sex.  

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