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Can I turn this around with the ex or shall I just give up on it? GF felt neglected during the relationship


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How To Say Goodbye To The Past And ...
How To Say Goodbye To The Past And Make A Fresh Start

Hey. Thanks for reading this. It might get a bit long but I guess any insights would be great.

My ex gf  broke up with me just over 3 months ago. 3 months before the break up we had already had a discussion about the lack of progress in the relationship. This was around 4 months in. We managed to carry on another few months and and she broke up with me just before she was going to go on holiday. We never really put out our feelings  etc. I wasnt in a great place at the time mentally and I know I probably was pushing her away without knowing. By me pushing her away she began to push away too. So ultimately in my mind I thought she doesnt really care. 

3 weeks after the break up we did meet up which I instigated. We had a nice day out and then I pushed some of my humour a little too far and annoyed her. Also, we never talked about the relationship or feelings. So it wasnt a great close to the day. At this point I hadnt done any work on myself etc. I was just flapping and maybe trying to get things back together.

We've been in constant contact. I always initiate. She always responds until I maybe try and chat too much and she then doesnt. Probably a month or so after the relationship we had a real exchange. Its always over text. Which is not the best way to communicate as we have misunderstood each other soo many times over text but thats the only way she seems to want to communicate. She told me she didnt feel desired, that I wouldnt flirt, I never said I wanted to see her more, missed her etc and that the relationship felt like it was becoming more casual and she wanted something serious. I hadnt known any of this during the time we were dating. If I did maybe it would have sprung me into action. I asked if she wanted to date again and she said we could remain friends but she was drawing the line there on going back to the same relationship as before.  We dated for about 7 or so months.

I did say that if its awkward me messaging her I could just stop. She told me if she didnt want to speak to me she wouldnt, she would just block me or not respond. Guess I took that for a green light like a clown. Im naturally a talker so going silent isnt something I do. So over the next few months we communicated here and there. Ive suggested hanging out and shes always said yes we can at some point but never agreed when. Its just becoming mundane now but I guess I dont want to give up. There have been times where we havent spoken for a couple or 3 weeks etc. I had decided I wasnt going to talk to her anymore and worked on myself and I have really changed. Im more aware of myself, how I come across, think about what Im conveying and Im open to love and emotionally available. Far more than I was at the time of the relationship. I dont even recognise who I was before.

I didnt want ay regrets so I needed to let her know about my change. We exchanged some texts and I said could we talk. She said we could but again there wasnt the right time so I left her a voice message. Just telling her about my journey and how Ive evolved and Im in a great place now. I also added, in a separate message that I wasnt sure how she was feeling but if she wanted to try and give things another go slowly. If she didnt that was fine and Id accept that. Her response was positive, she praised me for my changes and growth. With regards to getting back together she wasnt sure if someone could change that quickly but maybe they could. She said she would think about it. We exchanged some more messages and she said she would come back to me.

I messaged her again about 9 days later just to see how things were and if how she felt. She kind of palmed the question to the side. So 10 days ago I again suggested if she fancied a hang out and she agreed again. We had some chit chat but whenever I press to agree a time/place to meet she doesnt respond. So either she really doesnt want to meet up or shes just not ready. I havent spoken to her since.

We both met on a certain dating website. I created a profile last week. I noticed she was on their too. I have no idea if she has seen me but I have seen her. Now Im not upset that she is on their, I mean its always a little crushing but it is what it is. No idea if she has seen me either. Im just getting on with my life and if I meet someone else then thats fine. I guess in my head I wanted another chance at us but if its not meant to be its not meant to be. One last meet up would give me all the info I needed to see if anything could be salvaged...but I guess Ill never know. Maybe me saying Id like to try again set alarm bells ringing in her head. Who knows. 

Ive heard NC doesnt really work if the relationship was out of neglect. Also, we have had constant communication for 3 months... Is it even worth implementing it now? I feel I have grown  and changed but Im also talking to new people and lining up new dates. I guess if she wants to reach out she can but I dont think she will. So Im not sure what to do. Is it worth me even messaging her again? If she knows I have moved on maybe it would be less threatening... Oh its a mess. Talking about this constantly is probably not helping things lol. If I messaged and was just chill, no pressure etc maybe she might come around but cant really build much attraction with text messages. 

 

 

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1 hour ago, CheekyMunkey said:

Ive heard NC doesnt really work if the relationship was out of neglect. .. Is it even worth implementing it now?

You're reading those useless "get-your-ex-back" sites. That's why you believe NC is some sort of tool to "implement". Whatever the reasons you two broke up are, are still there. 

 Just move forward and delete and block her from ALL your social media, dating apps and messaging apps. Don't play peek-a-boo games on dating apps with her or use other people to "move on".

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11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're reading those useless "get-your-ex-back" sites. That's why you believe NC is some sort of tool to "implement". Whatever the reasons you two broke up are, are still there. 

 Just move forward and delete and block her from ALL your social media, dating apps and messaging apps. Don't play peek-a-boo games on dating apps with her or use other people to "move on".

I have definitely moved on in a sense of loving myself and understanding myself. We initially met post lockdown. I think being in lockdown did mess me up but now I think Im back to who I am.

Yes, I have been watching all this NC stuff lol. Its the only stuff that comes up regarding getting ex's back. It sounds silly but it seems to be pushed a lot. Personally I feel like I have done pretty much everything I can and it takes two to tango and shes not interested. I just wish she blocked and deleted my ass. Guess Ill have to do that myself. 

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44 minutes ago, CheekyMunkey said:

I just wish she blocked and deleted my ass. Guess Ill have to do that myself. 

How long were you dating? What was the breakup about? How old is she? Yes, deleting and blocking is a better approach than googling how to get your ex back. It's a done deal so live and learn.

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2 hours ago, CheekyMunkey said:

Ive heard NC doesnt really work if the relationship was out of neglect. Also, we have had constant communication for 3 months... Is it even worth implementing it now?

Yes. But not because you would get her back, that is nonsense and it doesnt work. But because of yourself and you moving on. From somebody who wont even meet with you. And quite frankly, probably just enjoys your attention and you being there. In order for you to be able to trully move on, you would need to stop contacting her. And focus on yourself and in time meeting other avauilable women.

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Sorry, she’s not interested. Yes, move on. No contact is for yourself not to manipulate someone into missing you like kindergarten reverse psychology tactics. Stay away from the get your ex back sites as they prey on vulnerable individuals.

If you’re lonely get comfy with being lonely and more emotionally stable before dating again. Meet people via hobbies and interests. Keep going and move forwards.

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18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long were you dating? What was the breakup about? How old is she? Yes, deleting and blocking is a better approach than googling how to get your ex back. It's a done deal so live and learn.

Id say about 7 months.

I largely think communication had a big impact on the break up. But the relationship felt a bit static. As in it wasn't moving. Eventually when we did break up it was a case of me agreeing to meet her on a Sunday before her holiday as she was going out on the Saturday. I was also going out on a Saturday. But then she wanted me to visit her on Saturday night instead. It just got a bit petty where I was sticking to my guns on Sunday. She then said she wanted to break up as she felt we were not progressing and nothing had changed since the last time we had this convo. Im going to be honest, I really didnt know how I was feeling at the time. Like I said I wasnt mentally in a great space. I didnt even realise how my actions were coming across and I guess I was not feeling great about myself. I was probably indirectly using her to make me feel better and when that didnt happen I started to push out...Now I realise I need to make myself be happy and not expect it to come to others. Self love and all that stuff. Im not saying shes perfect and I know if we got together it wouldnt be easy but I still thought it would be worth it. 

That was the breakup. But she never told me how she felt, she never gave reasons to how she felt and wanted to break up but she cleary knew what they were. I learnt more when we discussed this all a month later. Its one of those where maybe she wanted me to ask her the questions and I never did. Not because I didnt want to but I just didnt know what to ask etc. I was low on confidence and pretty numb so I think I didnt really care so much. Also, because she had also distanced herself I thought she didnt really care either...

Ill go cold turkey. I didnt get back on the dating site to peek-a-boo games. Its just an app that I used which was also the app she used. Guess if one thing, it shows we are moving on with our lives. 

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15 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yes. But not because you would get her back, that is nonsense and it doesnt work. But because of yourself and you moving on. From somebody who wont even meet with you. And quite frankly, probably just enjoys your attention and you being there. In order for you to be able to trully move on, you would need to stop contacting her. And focus on yourself and in time meeting other avauilable women.

Yes, there are. I just have to get out and about. Im too reliant on these stupid apps and I wfh so dont really go out much lol. But you are right, if someone doesnt give you the time of day or even meet up why am I wasting my time. Im quite literal. When someone says dont come and meet me I wont... or if they say we can be friends. I take it as being friends lol but they obviously dont mean it like real friends. 

Im chatting to other girls now. So lets see how it goes.

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7 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Sorry, she’s not interested. Yes, move on. No contact is for yourself not to manipulate someone into missing you like kindergarten reverse psychology tactics. Stay away from the get your ex back sites as they prey on vulnerable individuals.

If you’re lonely get comfy with being lonely and more emotionally stable before dating again. Meet people via hobbies and interests. Keep going and move forwards.

But Im a bloody amazing catch!!! lol. Yes, I need to accept it. Well its been 3 months or so and I have decided to move on completely. I didnt start dating earlier because I needed to ground myself and heal etc. Like I said Im in a far better place now. Actually talking to other people, getting out, being sociable and actually loving life again. 

 

Thanks for your feedback. If I didnt want to talk to someone I would just tell them. I never understand the whole ' we can be friends' stuff.

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I remember your post somewhere else some weeks or months earlier. The way I read it the first time you posted about this she wasn’t that interested or lost interest along the way. I suggest you also ask yourself what calibre of person continues to string someone along like this for weeks and months, paying lip service saying yes to meet and doesn’t follow through ever on a date or time. No integrity whatsoever. Once you fully heal a bit more you may find this trait distasteful and unappealing or know how to step back and move on a bit quicker. 

Friendships happen when it’s a two way street regardless of circumstances. This doesn’t seem reciprocal.

I’m glad you’re feeling better and on your way. Keep going and enjoy new company of individuals who appreciate you.

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27 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I remember your post somewhere else some weeks or months earlier. The way I read it the first time you posted about this she wasn’t that interested or lost interest along the way. I suggest you also ask yourself what calibre of person continues to string someone along like this for weeks and months, paying lip service saying yes to meet and doesn’t follow through ever on a date or time. No integrity whatsoever. Once you fully heal a bit more you may find this trait distasteful and unappealing or know how to step back and move on a bit quicker. 

Friendships happen when it’s a two way street regardless of circumstances. This doesn’t seem reciprocal.

I’m glad you’re feeling better and on your way. Keep going and enjoy new company of individuals who appreciate you.

I probably did. Maybe not on this site. Everyone is looking for that hopeful answer. But yes I think thats been the issue. When someone wants to reconcile they will look for ANY reason/breadcrumb to give them hope. Things like

'We can be friends'

' Ill think about it'

'Yes sure we can meet up at some point. Sounds fun' 

Was kind of reeling me in and then when I push for a confirmation I get nothing back. Its weird, as I didnt see these traits when I was dating them. They were very straight up, honest and said things how they felt them. Which is why when she says stuff like the above Ive been inclined to believe it. Maybe, she genuinely doesn't know how she feels. Shes never initiated contact with me and I guess if she does, she will mean it. Until then. Im going to carry on. Not holding out for anything.

Thanks again Rose. Have a b.e.a.u.tiful week 🙂

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49 minutes ago, CheekyMunkey said:

I probably did. Maybe not on this site. Everyone is looking for that hopeful answer. But yes I think thats been the issue. When someone wants to reconcile they will look for ANY reason/breadcrumb to give them hope. Things like

'We can be friends'

' Ill think about it'

'Yes sure we can meet up at some point. Sounds fun' 

Was kind of reeling me in and then when I push for a confirmation I get nothing back. Its weird, as I didnt see these traits when I was dating them. They were very straight up, honest and said things how they felt them. Which is why when she says stuff like the above Ive been inclined to believe it. Maybe, she genuinely doesn't know how she feels. Shes never initiated contact with me and I guess if she does, she will mean it. Until then. Im going to carry on. Not holding out for anything.

Thanks again Rose. Have a b.e.a.u.tiful week 🙂

Even if she doesn’t know how she feels, it’s not the way to treat someone.

If you start meeting new people don’t let the past sabotage your future either. Be cautious about her changing her mind or wanting your attention again. If you’re going to move forward to it 100% not halfway. 

Thanks for the wishes. Have a great week too. 😊

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2 hours ago, CheekyMunkey said:

I wasnt mentally in a great space. I didnt even realise how my actions were coming across and I guess I was not feeling great about myself. I was probably indirectly using her to make me feel better and when that didnt happen I started to push out.

That is good insight. Therapy could help you explore this better than dragging her back into a situation where she was supposed to be a tool to improve your self esteem.

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46 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That is good insight. Therapy could help you explore this better than dragging her back into a situation where she was supposed to be a tool to improve your self esteem.

Thanks. Maybe I do need therapy or to understand my thinking process. But I realise nobody can make you truly happy unless you are happy within yourself. Ill approach all relationships this way going forward. Regardless of how this has outcome its a little bittersweet but I needed this better myself.

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35 minutes ago, CheekyMunkey said:

Thanks. Maybe I do need therapy or to understand my thinking process. But I realise nobody can make you truly happy unless you are happy within yourself. Ill approach all relationships this way going forward. Regardless of how this has outcome its a little bittersweet but I needed this better myself.

I mean sure that's the cliche and it has some truth to it.  Really has nothing to do with this situation.  And it won't "work" as an abstraction -if you make specific changes in your life so you're not going to be tempted to chase after someone who so obviously isn't interested in interacting with you much less dating you - that will help you better assess who is someone you should be dating, pursuing to date, etc.  I just don't think telling yourself in a light switch kind of way "ok! now I'm going to approach all relationships by showing I am a happy fulfilled person looking for someone to date" will have any real impact.  It's about living a daily life not based on being "happy" "with yourself" but actions that reflect you treating yourself and others with respect, kindness, compassion and thoughftulness in very nitty gritty ways. 

I had to do that in two specific ways before 6:30am this morning  -it was very hard for me in one of the ways and I made myself react in a giving way to my husband (who was still sleeping) but not sending an email venting about a situation outside of his control when he has so much work right now.  I acted in a giving way and I had the benefit of feeling good despite it being hard not to vent. That's how specific I suggest you get.

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4 hours ago, CheekyMunkey said:

Maybe, she genuinely doesn't know how she feels. Shes never initiated contact with me and I guess if she does, she will mean it. Until then. Im going to carry on. Not holding out for anything.

Right, it has been ALL you.  She has shown no real interest in a good while.

You need to learn to take the hint and also some self respect. IMO, you chased & chased for way too long 😕 .  IF someone is interested, you'll know.

I say this relationship you two had is long gone.

As for you 'moving on', I suggest you take it easy there as well.  I don't feel you're fully over her at this time.  So, don't try to just jump into something new again.  You're best wen you do feel better and not fretting over an ex.

Do you have some hobbies or friends to hang with?  How about you focus on things like that and continue on with your focus on yourself for a while more.... until yo know you are truly over & done with all of this about her... before you consider dating again.

 

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NC works.  It's unhealthy to continue corresponding with her.  Wish her all the best, tell her that it's time to go your separate ways permanently and NC.  If there's more contact, ghost, block and delete her.  Move on so both of you can heal.

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8 hours ago, CheekyMunkey said:

whenever I press to agree a time/place to meet she doesnt respond.

Pressing someone to do something seldom has good results.

Remember, "friends" share aspects of their lives with one another. Are you comfortable meeting her new boyfriend once she finds one? Will you feel hurt or jealous? If so, you don't truly want to be "friends", you want to reconcile. And she likely knows this, which is why she won't meet up.

I vote for moving on.

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15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I mean sure that's the cliche and it has some truth to it.  Really has nothing to do with this situation.  And it won't "work" as an abstraction -if you make specific changes in your life so you're not going to be tempted to chase after someone who so obviously isn't interested in interacting with you much less dating you - that will help you better assess who is someone you should be dating, pursuing to date, etc.  I just don't think telling yourself in a light switch kind of way "ok! now I'm going to approach all relationships by showing I am a happy fulfilled person looking for someone to date" will have any real impact.  It's about living a daily life not based on being "happy" "with yourself" but actions that reflect you treating yourself and others with respect, kindness, compassion and thoughftulness in very nitty gritty ways. 

I had to do that in two specific ways before 6:30am this morning  -it was very hard for me in one of the ways and I made myself react in a giving way to my husband (who was still sleeping) but not sending an email venting about a situation outside of his control when he has so much work right now.  I acted in a giving way and I had the benefit of feeling good despite it being hard not to vent. That's how specific I suggest you get.

No. I get it. Truth is I wasnt who I usually would be. A number of things impacted how I acted and behaved. The lockdown, my own confidence/insecurities, being at a low mentally. I think if anything I have managed to revert myself back to who I was 5-6 years ago. A lively energetic person and some how got lost along the way. Which is why looking at this relationship in hindsight I cant understand some of my behaviour. As it wasnt me. I do embody a lot of the good qualities you mention above. I have been through breakups before and I have never done this. I havent continued to talk after... but in this instance I did and its a big indication of where my mind has been. I had a break up before the lockdown at the start of 2020 and it wasnt a great time but I never reached out and contacted after we broke up. So this is an anomaly. 

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14 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Right, it has been ALL you.  She has shown no real interest in a good while.

You need to learn to take the hint and also some self respect. IMO, you chased & chased for way too long 😕 .  IF someone is interested, you'll know.

I say this relationship you two had is long gone.

As for you 'moving on', I suggest you take it easy there as well.  I don't feel you're fully over her at this time.  So, don't try to just jump into something new again.  You're best wen you do feel better and not fretting over an ex.

Do you have some hobbies or friends to hang with?  How about you focus on things like that and continue on with your focus on yourself for a while more.... until yo know you are truly over & done with all of this about her... before you consider dating again.

 

Thanks for your feedback. I think it was the fact that she said we could still be friends... I took it literally and thought ' Ok well lets try'. Guess it wasn't her intention. I actually did go no contact for 3 weeks back at the end of June, into July and said to myself I will not contact her again...While I was working on myself which is when I saw how I was returning to my usual self. So I was probably a broken version of me even during the relationship and I reached out etc. As Ive explained above. I sent her the message regarding my growth etc and suggestion of trying again more for closure but she kind of prolonged her response to that which is why I kept talking to her. 

Anyways, Im stronger now. I have no ill will towards her. Its just strange like I said. Ive always been someone who when a relationship ends its done and dusted. No going back. In this instance I was mentally weak during the relationship where I wasnt me. Probably why I wanted a rerun but I accept it may not happen which it looks like it wont. 

I actually moved on after my last communication with her when she didnt respond to agreeing when to meet. I have no intentions of contacting her again. Im already talking to new people, interacting more with friends, doing new hobbies etc. So I actually feel pretty good. LIke others have said her silence speaks volumes and Im at a point where Ive done all I can regardless.

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14 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

NC works.  It's unhealthy to continue corresponding with her.  Wish her all the best, tell her that it's time to go your separate ways permanently and NC.  If there's more contact, ghost, block and delete her.  Move on so both of you can heal.

I havent messaged her for just under 2 weeks. She hasnt messaged me. Ill take that as no contact and continue. I wont message her again to say Im going into NC as it will just illicit a response from her ( or maybe not in which case Ill just feel a bit rubbish again lol). Im moving on.

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13 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Pressing someone to do something seldom has good results.

Remember, "friends" share aspects of their lives with one another. Are you comfortable meeting her new boyfriend once she finds one? Will you feel hurt or jealous? If so, you don't truly want to be "friends", you want to reconcile. And she likely knows this, which is why she won't meet up.

I vote for moving on.

I wouldnt say Im really pressing her. I would make a suggestion about meeting up. She would then agree and say we should at some point. This has been over a period of maybe 1.5 months or so. Maybe suggested this 3 times. There have been periods where we havent spoken for weeks or multiple weeks in-between. Im a straight shooter. If I didnt want to be friends with someone I wouldnt suggest it. If I didnt want to meet someone I wouldnt agree to meet them. Its either one or the other. But the responses are kind of in a grey area.

In relation to could we be 'friends'. Who knows. Maybe. I just wouldnt know this truly until we meet. I would try to give it a go. We do have a fair few things in common in terms of things we like to do. Its been over 2 months since we last met. A lot can change, people can change (I have). So we may be completely plutonic.  If there is one sided feelings from either side I wouldnt be friends. Its just not worth it. If she said she had a bf and I still liked her again I would walk away. 

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2 hours ago, CheekyMunkey said:

In relation to could we be 'friends'. Who knows. Maybe. I just wouldnt know this truly until we meet. I would try to give it a go. We do have a fair few things in common in terms of things we like to do. Its been over 2 months since we last met. A lot can change, people can change (I have). So we may be completely plutonic.  If there is one sided feelings from either side I wouldnt be friends. Its just not worth it. If she said she had a bf and I still liked her again I would walk away. 

Then you cannot be her friend. Friends are supportive of each other finding healthy romantic relationships and you'd walk away if she did. That's not being a friend.

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