Rebound relationship

[alesap]

I broke up with my girlfriend after 8 years of relationship around 4 months ago. I wasn't so convinced about the relationship and I wasn't in love so it was the right thing to do. The problem is that 1 month before breaking up I met a girl at the office and we started to connect. He was in a 10 years old relationship with his boyfriend but we slowly started to play and increase the connection. We've been meeting and sleeping together for about 3 months and around 1 month ago she decided to break up with his boyfriend since she couldn't handle the infidelity (although she wasn't so convinced). I fell in love with this girl and started to have a needy approach. She was very comfortable with me and we had an intense and romantic connection.

She was terribly sad and depressed for a couple of months and didn't contact her boyfriend for about 3 weeks. 2 weeks after the breakup she started to do better, but after that her boyfriend contacted her and they met. He suggested her get back together and she said she needed time to find herself. But at that moment she recognized that she was considering getting back into the relationship with his ex. She also told me she needed time and space for herself. 

At that moment I felt sadness, and anxiety and I wrote her a letter of gratitude and farewell. Although I told her that it wasn't a farewell and that if she was ready to close the relationship with his ex and open to keep knowing me, I had no problem. But at the same time, I said we should have a bit of distance and not contact for a while.

For the first days, I was in agony and obsessed and I couldn't accept the reality. I even called her one day asking if she was going out for the weekend with his ex (I couldn't accept that when she told me she wanted to be alone to think. Now I know I was wrong and it was a mistake).
A week after that and without contact, I was looking the things differently. I realized what happened and what made the relationship wear out. I was also more relaxed and with less anxiety. I knew she was feeling sorry for me so I decided to write her and tell her if she wanted to meet to talk. She told me she wasn't ready yet so I told her by WhatsApp that I was looking at things differently and now I was focusing on myself.

A couple of days after she contacted me and asked if I still wanted to meet. We met and she was distant. I told her the details about my change, how I was seeing things now and what I thought were our mistakes. She also saw me as more confident and not sad and needy as I was before. But then she told me that a couple of days before our "date" she met again with his ex and they were discussing the things they should change if they wanted to get back together. She also emphasized that she was telling me that because she still had doubts about what to do: get back with her ex, be alone or keep dating me.

When she told me that I told her that I thought that the best way to keep the distance and no contact between us. I also suggested to her that she should work on herself before trying to get back with her ex or joining a new relationship. I also told her that I didn't want to have a friendship with her and that I thought I deserved a person who fully wanted to know me.

When we said goodbye it was emotive, she was sad and cried and it was like none of us wanted to leave.

She is gonna leave the job since her employment contract is expiring soon. But in a couple of weeks, we will still have to see each other at the office for a week before she leaves.

I plan to keep working on myself and don't contact her, but inevitably we will see each other in a couple of weeks at the office. I like this girl and would love to keep dating her and I know right now she has a lot of doubts, although she's maybe pulling more of returning with her ex.
Any suggestion is appreciated, and sorry for the spelling, my English is not that good.

[SooSad33]

You need to just stop reaching out to her and let her work on her own issue's.

Yes, she is messed up and has nothing to offer you after her long term relationship.  She is still stuck on him and will be for a long while.

It will only be for another 2 weeks you will see her at your work.  So that agony will end soon. ( this is also a good reason to NOT get involved with co workers).

No more contact. Leave her alone now.  As I said, she is still stuck on that relationship.

You move on.

 

 

[Kwothe28]

There is no "dating" there. She has cheated her boyfriend with you. Its an affair. As soon as dating you became an option, she became "Oh so depressed and confused", cut you out, and probably got back with her 10 year boyfriend. 

You need to stay out from women like that.  Firstly, because if she has cheated on her 10 year boyfriend, she would cheat on you too in a whim. And secondly because, again, dating was never on a table there. She had a boyfriend, left him for a while and then got back to him. You are a third wheel with who she had fun for a while. 

Date single, available women. Not some mess who cheated on her boyfriend and then felt sad because of it. Work on yourself and if you want a relationship learn to avoid women like that and discard them as a dating options.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, alesap said:

I broke up with my girlfriend after 8 years of relationship around 4 months ago. I wasn't so convinced about the relationship and I wasn't in love so it was the right thing to do. The problem is that 1 month before breaking up I met a girl at the office

What was the breakup about? Did you live together? Are you still communicating with her? How old is she? Have you tried to get back with her as well? Does she know you cheated on her?

Yes. You were on the rebound and unfortunately got caught up in a messy office romance with a woman cheating on her BF. 

Take a deep breath. Ride out the next few weeks at the office without letters, begging, telling her your improvements and changes and so on.  She is not going to leave her 10 year relationship for a fling.

[smackie9]

You were her rebound affair/relationship of course as you said and they never end well. Often people do this in order to bring forward the issues with their partner....that fear of losing each other. You were just an escape, and she realized the grass is not greener on the other side. They are still invested in their relationship. As for you, stay single for awhile and find yourself. You need to take time out to get some fresh air/renew your life. A girl/this girl is not your answer. 

[alesap]

3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

You need to just stop reaching out to her and let her work on her own issue's.

Yes, she is messed up and has nothing to offer you after her long term relationship.  She is still stuck on him and will be for a long while.

It will only be for another 2 weeks you will see her at your work.  So that agony will end soon. ( this is also a good reason to NOT get involved with co workers).

No more contact. Leave her alone now.  As I said, she is still stuck on that relationship.

You move on.

Yes, that's probably the best thing to do. Thank you

 

 

[alesap]

Thank you all for the answers. Yes. She has feeling for me, but shes also stuck with her exboyfriend. Probably needs time to figure out what she wants. I'll stay away.

[Rose Mosse]

15 hours ago, alesap said:

Thank you all for the answers. Yes. She has feeling for me, but shes also stuck with her exboyfriend. Probably needs time to figure out what she wants. I'll stay away.

A great choice. 👍 

Let this blow over and fade out. The situation is not worth the hassle or time or investment. You’re picking someone who has the same ability to give as much as you give, heart and soul, so don’t settle for someone as confused or emotionally unavailable as this. 

[Andrina]

Even though you may have lost feelings in your 8 year relationship long before you broke up, you still need a good long year alone after such a long relationship before being ready to date again.

If you had taken that important time unattached, you would have likely not been drawn into a doomed office entanglement.

You failed to see the red flags that were immediately there. And when you begin a new relationship before ending the one you're already in, that will usually end in disaster. Besides your own poor ethics there, a decent woman will NEVER enter into that sticky web of cheating with a taken man. And yes, emotional cheating is just as egregious as physical cheating.

It isn't love, so don't fool yourself about that. It's infatuation at such an early stage. You have a lot to learn about how to wisely go back into the dating world, so take this year alone to build a happy life solo, while reading about relationships and dating to educate yourself on how to go about finding that special someone in far better ways.