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My daughter no longer wants to be a part of the family business.


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I will back off from my daughter. I don't want her to feel pressure and guilt. And I am proud of her. But I cannot help feeling what I'm feeling -- immense heartbreak that we failed. I know we can still try, but so much of our goals was to create something successful for our children, for them to see successful entrepreneurial-ship, and look, Mom and Dad did it. I know she has her own life and goals and dreams and I want her to pursue those. But still, what could have been, in terms of what we could give our kids, is failing. And I guess I took her pulling away as a final signal of that -- we'll keep going, no more pressure on her, but it is painful.

I should explain why I keep calling it "ours." We always wanted our kids to escape what we and millions of others had to endure: empty 9-5s that do not fulfill and do not offer true financial independence or generational wealth. And it is just not working out for us this way. That is painful.

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9 minutes ago, Parent10000 said:

We always wanted our kids to escape what we and millions of others had to endure: empty 9-5s that do not fulfill and do not offer true financial independence or generational wealth

Are you suffering from empty nest syndrome or upset that your "business" never really took off? There's nothing wrong with plenty of people who are quite happy and successful pursuing 9-5 jobs. Not everyone can be the Partridge Family or whatever you were trying to accomplish with your "family business". Your daughter seems to have accomplished financial independence since she was able to get out from under your thumb..

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I hope this means you realize trying to guilt trip or strong-arm your daughter into continuing to give up her free time to edit your writing is a terrible idea. Also that you're giving up your belief that a child "owes" it to her parents to continue to do whatever they want even when she's an adult.

It doesn't have to be an all or nothing. That if your daughter chooses to be an independent adult that means your business idea has "failed". You could edit your writing yourselves. You could hire an editor (by getting over this fallacy that allowing someone to see your writing is somehow risky).

Please don't lay even more guilt on your daughter by telling her that her refusal to provide free editing services dooms your business to "failure". That's your doing, not hers.

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11 minutes ago, Parent10000 said:

I should explain why I keep calling it "ours." We always wanted our kids to escape what we and millions of others had to endure: empty 9-5s that do not fulfill and do not offer true financial independence or generational wealth.

I'm curious: Did you work an "empty" 9-5? Prior to having kids, was a 9-5 job something you dreaded, wanted to find a way to avoid? Prior to having kids, when you fantasized about what your adult life would look like, was it an unconventional, somewhat communal, creative lifestyle? 

I ask because I get the feeling that you may have a tendency to make your perspective on things the perspective. If you and your husband have always been in lockstep on this, that's likely to magnify that tendency, and perhaps somewhere along the way you just assumed that your kids felt exactly the same as you do. But keep that assumption in check, and look at this moment as a really lovely one where you have the opportunity to better know your daughter as she gets to better know herself.

There is zero failure in that.

 

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I think you should separate the two.  It's normal to feel a great sense of loss when a child moves out for the first time.  It's a period of adjustment for a mother. 

I personally viewed my job as a mother was to encourage and support their independence and support them in their search in whatever choice of employment that was best suited - for them.

If they sought autonomy and independence and wanted to move away as a young adult, I knew I did my job well.  There is a bit of irony in raising children into adulthood. . That you brought these little beings into this world just to have them want to leave you eventually.  As much as I thought I was prepared for them to leave, it still rocked me.  They've been out for 10 yrs and I still miss their presence just as much.  It's normal.

It's ok to feel all the feelings attached to this event. But it seems to get a bit tangled with the intense obligation you feel she should have over the family tasks you insist she should be continuing.  I wonder how much of this is about holding on to the emotional attachment of her. I suspect your intensity isn't really about the editing.

You strongly defend her obligation to the family business, but it really seems like it's more about the grief dressed up as something else. It seems to blur your reasoning along with the expectations of your adult daughter whose life's job is to now find her own way, on her own terms.

Figure out what it most important here and if your relationship with her is the most important, you will push her away by pressuring her to do something she appears to be naturally outgrowing and moving away from.  This is a struggle you will lose in two different ways.

 

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I know you all will disagree, but what feels difficult is that my daughter knows our dilemma. She knows editors are very expensive and it will be another expense for us. She knows our horror stories with past editors who didn't invest the time necessary to proofread correctly; or were dogmatic and tried to change our stories and writing in unwanted directions; my past trauma with one of my family members who showed another their artwork and had it brutally stolen from them, and thus, our reluctance to share our stories to an editor electronically, its most vulnerable state because it can't be copyrighted then, only after it's finished. And she knows my son is a full-time student, and we will most likely have to rely on him to edit after this. If she was so concerned about being free and unburdened, why would she leave that burden to someone else?

She knows this. And I know the free time she has, even with a job and maintaining an apartment, she has called and talked about events she's going to, called when she's relaxing on the couch or just walking around a park...she has lots of free time. And where we only need her for a small part of it, she is deciding to completely cut the business out of her life to do what? 

We are doing this all for her, her and my son. Every penny we make will go to them when we die. And, yes, we have movies and other hobbies that connects us, but she knows this is the main way we all connect and have been for years. Now she doesn't even want to do ONE beta read before it's published, just "I'll read it when it comes out, good luck!"? This is more than outgrowing...why is she doing this?

My children have expressed the same desires to avoid 9-5s and eventually begin their own companies. My daughter by a stroke of luck happened to find a job at 24 that allowed her a lot of free time to pursue her own desires, so it's not the worst one she could have. We encourage our children to be entrepreneurs...

And the business is struggling with my daughter leaving or not. It was always my goal to have it up and running well before any of my children left. So separate from the issue above, it just hurts that didn't get to happen.

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"Find her own way?" Why does abandoning her family to struggle and leaving behind the beautiful thing that connected us all (very rare in families! I can't tell you how many people we have met in farmers markets and they look at us with a smile in their eye and say, "I wish I had something like this for my family, it's very beautiful what you all are doing") mean that will help her find her way?? Just like what my daughter was doing before she left, she went to school/work, did her passions and pursuits and helped the family. It never got in the way then. Now this brutal cutting off from this means she will find her way? Someone please help me understand that.

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You're refusing to understand.

Everything you write is coming from a place of entitlement. You seem to think your children are obligated to enable YOUR dream, while you disregard and dismiss theirs. You keep repeating how this is your dream and your daughter should want to help make your dream a reality. But she doesn't have to. Your dramatic view that she's "abandoning"  you or is "brutally cutting you off" is going to destroy your relationship with her.

And it's completely irrelevant what others think about this business of yours. If that's what their family wants that's great, but that doesn't mean your daughter must fall in line with your wishes.

And what she does with her free time is none of your business. Period. 

You haven't said why you refuse to learn editing skills yourselves. I can't imagine any writer who thinks having basic sentence structure, grammar and spelling skills is unimportant or should be done by others. 

You are attempting to impose your will on your daughter. If you keep that up you truly will completely lose your relationship with her. Is that what you want? Is it your contention that she either falls in line and does what you want or else??

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2 minutes ago, Parent10000 said:

I know you all will disagree, but what feels difficult is that my daughter knows our dilemma. She knows editors are very expensive and it will be another expense for us. She knows our horror stories with past editors who didn't invest the time necessary to proofread correctly; or were dogmatic and tried to change our stories and writing in unwanted directions; my past trauma with one of my family members who showed another their artwork and had it brutally stolen from them, and thus, our reluctance to share our stories to an editor electronically, its most vulnerable state because it can't be copyrighted then, only after it's finished. And she knows my son is a full-time student, and we will most likely have to rely on him to edit after this. If she was so concerned about being free and unburdened, why would she leave that burden to someone else?

When I read this what I can't help but imagine is the tremendous pressure your daughter  must feel—and has long felt—to be the airtight plug that keeps your damn from bursting, your dream from capsizing. That is a lot to put on a child, an anvil that cuts deep into the shoulder blades, to say nothing of the soul.

I get that to you it's something else—a beautiful source of bonding, the envy of the farmers' market crowd, a moonshot at generational wealth—but please try to accept that it might not be all that, or any of it, for her. And that is okay. It has to be, because that is the basic foundation of humanity: we do not all see, and feel, things the same way. 

For whatever it's worth, I have lived my whole adult life in the world of words, playing with words, turning words into stories, and turning those stories into a living. It's a fraught universe. But it's also a universe that many, many young people are eager to get into, and I'd imagine you could find an intern—a college student, say—who might be a great fit as an editor and would chip in for the experience at very little cost. I certainly would have jumped at the chance when I was younger, as would a lot of people I ran with back then, and, at the risk of sounding braggy, we were very, very good. 

Just saying that there are more options here than I think you're considering, perhaps because of all the surging emotions and/or an unwillingness to turn the prism and see things from a different angle.  

10 minutes ago, Parent10000 said:

And I know the free time she has, even with a job and maintaining an apartment, she has called and talked about events she's going to, called when she's relaxing on the couch or just walking around a park...she has lots of free time. And where we only need her for a small part of it, she is deciding to completely cut the business out of her life to do what? 

It is alarming, to be frank, that you seem to believe your daughter's free time should be spent on you. A child in ways becomes the sun around which a parent's life orbits—that is the deal—but the reverse is not true, or shouldn't be. Imagine if your daughter was in a romantic relationship with someone who was speaking to her this way: frustrated that she's not using her free time to help with his passion, that she was relaxing on the couch rather than doing what he wanted her to be doing. What advice would you give her about that dynamic? 

18 minutes ago, Parent10000 said:

This is more than outgrowing...why is she doing this?

Why don't you ask her, talk to her? Not from a place of feeling abandoned, but of wanting to understand your one daughter better than you currently do. 

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I am in America, we are Americans. And we do have basic editing skills, but in terms of learning, it's my husband who is very intimidated by the grammar/spelling world-not the creative side-based on past traumas he had in childhood about teachers who belittled him, etc. I am also worried about us being the only eyes to view it -- a second pair of eyes always helps to catch mistakes.

Bluecastle, you mentioned a boyfriend example. If that boyfriend wanted his passion to take up all or even most of my daughter's free time, then no, I would not agree with that. But if it was occasional helping, a small part of her time being used to support her significant other, what is wrong with that? People in each other's lives should support each other, uplift each other's pursuits because you love them and want them to succeed! 

There is also some misunderstanding that we are entirely relying on our daughter for the business to succeed. We will make by without her, and the struggles are in the areas of sales, something not the fault of my daughter and what we are all trying to figure out. And yes, all, because for years it has come out my kids mouth themselves that they love doing this with us and want to be a part of it. It is my a YOUR dream thing. It really is US.

If our business starts to pick up steam, will my daughter make our way back to us again and now suddenly want to help because it's successful? That's the interesting question...

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35 minutes ago, Parent10000 said:

I know you all will disagree, but what feels difficult is that my daughter knows our dilemma.  my past trauma with one of my family members who showed another their artwork and had it brutally stolen from them

 And I know the free time she has, even with a job and maintaining an apartment, she has called and talked about events she's going to, called when she's relaxing on the couch or just walking around a park...she has lot of free time

We are doing this all for her, her and my son. Every penny we make will go to them when we die.

I'm sorry, did you not mention earlier that this endeavor has not made any money?

If your children are not interested and their actions seem to be telling you this then you are not doing it for them.  You are doing it for yourself.  Simple as that.

You mentioned past trauma over a similar family event? Could this have more to do or some unresolved issues that influenced you to feel this way.  Is it okay to put that on your children and work it out through them?

And as an adult who is capable of supporting herself she has the privilege to do whatever she wants with her free time and it's nobody's else's business.

No matter what you can't make her want to do it.  Please work on accepting that.  Your young adult daughter is no longer under the family obligation if she has the mind to choose not to.  It's as nature would have it.

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Okay, if you are western I am not understanding your refusal to understand your children are separate entities to you. Who your kids are as children and who they are as adults are different things. You also view failure in a very strange way. 
It kind of reminds me of my in-laws. They had this you are part of us forever and you need to care for us till we die attitude. When my husband left at 23 he was made immediately aware he was NOT “ us” anymore and I would never be part of the family and neither was our child. My husband made his own way in life and is happy. His sister on the other hand stuck it out at home . She has no spouse, never even had a boyfriend just a servant to her parents . My father-in-law is gone now and my mother-in-law is 88 and   on her way out . My sister in law has no life. Take that story to heart. 

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2 hours ago, Parent10000 said:

But I cannot help feeling what I'm feeling -- immense heartbreak that we failed. I know we can still try, but so much of our goals was to create something successful for our children, for them to see successful entrepreneurial-ship, and look, Mom and Dad did it. I know she has her own life and goals and dreams and I want her to pursue those. But still, what could have been, in terms of what we could give our kids, is failing. And I guess I took her pulling away as a final signal of that -- we'll keep going, no more pressure on her, but it is painful.

This is pretty shocking. I mean as a parent - don't you very often feel what you feel and choose a reaction that is in the best interests of your child? For years right?  Of course you can't help your feelings.  Feelings are feelings.  You get to choose the reaction.  I have to do that daily as a human being and for sure as a parent.  Being a parent can be painful sometimes, I am sorry -but think of the stress you'd be causing your daughter if you chose a reaction that did not allow her to pursue her own, independent, adult life.

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14 minutes ago, Parent10000 said:

And we do have basic editing skills, but in terms of learning, it's my husband who is very intimidated by the grammar/spelling world-not the creative side-based on past traumas he had in childhood about teachers who belittled him, etc. I am also worried about us being the only eyes to view it -- a second pair of eyes always helps to catch mistakes.

With all respect unless you can afford to hire a really good editor/proofreader then IMO this is not the business for you.

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3 minutes ago, Parent10000 said:

If our business starts to pick up steam, will my daughter make our way back to us again and now suddenly want to help because it's successful? That's the interesting question...

But is this question actually interesting?

It has an edge of malice to it, if you ask me, not dissimilar, I hate to say, to when someone reeling from a breakup says: "If I get rich/ripped/whatever, would she suddenly make her way back to me, wouldn't that be something..." Which is to say it is interesting that you are going there, creating a future hypothetical that undermines the basic fabric of your daughter's character.

You are better, and bigger, than all that, I believe. As is your daughter.

7 minutes ago, Parent10000 said:

And yes, all, because for years it has come out my kids mouth themselves that they love doing this with us and want to be a part of it. It is my a YOUR dream thing. It really is US.

These were years, though, when your kids were just that: kids. To hold a 25 year old to the standards they put out at 15, or 19, is to put a box around them that inhibits growth, exploration, shape-changing. She is not a character in the story of your life, after all, but a person. As a writer, I do know it can be a challenge to separate the two, even with the people we love with all our hearts. 

 

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15 minutes ago, Parent10000 said:

 

If our business starts to pick up steam, will my daughter make our way back to us again and now suddenly want to help because it's successful? That's the interesting question...

Wow, do you really have this low an opinion of your own daughter?

No wonder she wants out...

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Children view their parents as omnipotent.  Everything we do and say is gospel.  They don't know any better.

Until. . They grow up and develop a mind of their own and a sense of self.  They start to rethink family patterns and challenge beliefs that are not their own, personally.

I guess it's okay to be disappointed that your dream didn't come true.  But it is your dream, not theirs.  

You need to give some thought over how you view this. If your daughter is independent, capable of making her own choices and paving her way then personally, I think you've done a good job. 

Sadly you're so upset you sound as if you're capable of disowning her over this.

 

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This is a little bit of a sensitive topic for my family.

I have two sons raised in a family of civil servants, 1 sheriff, 6 firemen - between the boys father, 4 uncles and now my oldest son.

Their Dad, being very (legitimately) narcissistic always assumed his sons would be just like him.  And as a firefighter's life would have it, dad had a few side businesses.  He became a plumbing contractor.  When asked why, "so, I can leave this for my sons"  I asked "have you ever asked them if they wanted to be plumbers?"  Can't recall a direct answer, but there was definitely a sense of entitlement over managing their life and the idea they just ought to be grateful, no matter what.  "Because, after all I did all of this for them!"

One year he bought a tugboat?!  When asked why, "My sons will get their captains licenses and become tugboat captains."  This time I asked my teenage sons.  "Are you interested in becoming tugboat captains."  A unanimous "NO!"  And so on. . .

My oldest became a firefighter, but my youngest has been our nonconformist marching to his own drum.  He is the only one to finish his degree and go on to receive his masters.  He's smarter than the bunch of us all put together.  Do we think he'd be a great fireman?  Absolutely.  But it wasn't his dream and he really got the brunt of dad's pressure to be who he thought he should be rather than honoring the young man he is.  He sees himself as the black sheep in the family at times, which breaks my heart.  But on the other hand, he has just as much or more going for him compared to his dad and older brother.  Home, career, family, children.

I always told him to follow his heart and even if he wanted to be a professional pastry chef, I'd be his biggest cheerleader.   (He's not)

There is still a good deal of distance and tension between my youngest, who is typically reluctant to get together with his dad and brother at the same time.  There always seems to be some tension over this dynamic.  My youngest is very philosophical and intelligent.  I say jokingly that he views his dad and brother as not much more than a couple of meat head fireman.  There's some truth to this, I suppose.  lol

But it still weighs on my heart that it all worked out the way it did.  My younger one may have very well been a fireman if he felt his dad would have accepted him no matter his choices, instead of pushing him to be who he wanted him to be.

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1 hour ago, Parent10000 said:

Now she doesn't even want to do ONE beta read before it's published, just "I'll read it when it comes out, good luck!"? 

She has a good attitude. If you and your husband want to pursue this hobby/pipedream, then do it on your own time with your own money. 

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I have no children, never wanted to have children, due to sexual abuse from age 11 to 15 by my older brother. Also, my parents were very very strict with us, and I am not sure whether I would have raised children in a different way, should I have had them. I have no contact with my parents anymore, they broke off contact 20 years ago. I don’t know what the exact reason was for that, but most probably it was because I did not live my life as my parents wanted it (I was living together with my boyfriend without being married). I moved from my country of birth in Europe to another European country to live with my boyfriend.

I have been called selfish once by someone when they learned I did not want to have children. Also, a lot of people don’t understand that I never go “home” for the holidays or find it very strange that I have no contact with my family anymore. I turned 54 this year and even though I am not together with my boyfriend anymore, the best thing I have done for myself is moving away from the place I was born and starting my own life in a different country, because I stayed here after the breakup with my boyfriend.

So from this background, this is the way I think about family dynamics. You and your husband decided to have children. For obvious reasons, your children had no say in this. You set the rules for them when they lived in your household. All good. Now your children have become adults and they are living their own lives.

Your adult children owe you NOTHING, other than a certain level of respect. They don’t owe you their time, help, care, money and for sure not their free labour in the “family business”. Likewise, I don’t think parents owe their adult children anything. Parents should feel free to spend their own money, they should not feel obliged to make sure their children have a big inheritance once you are no longer there. Just make sure, if you can, to leave money or life insurance to pay the funeral costs.

Now, is it nice when family members help each other every now and then? Yes, of course it is, but this should be done voluntarily because you love each other. It should not become a job in itself. It should be balanced.

Even if your daughter has a lot of free time, that is hers to spend. You have NO right to say how she has to spend her free time.

Your business is your and your husbands dream, not the dream of your children! You have to learn to accept that. And yes, they might have thought it was fun when they were younger. Now they live their own life, and you should live yours.

With respect to the grammar issues, what about using Grammarly.com? Whenever I livestream US news media here in Europe, there are often ads for Grammarly. I can’t tell you whether that is good or helpful, but I would like to think there must be some software to help you with this. Otherwise take lessons/courses, you are never to old to learn something.

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From one American to another:  🙂

It's admirable of you to back off from your daughter.  I agree with you, she shouldn't feel pressure nor guilt. 

Even though your feelings are hurt, change the way you think.  I'm sorry for your hurt feelings.  Instead of feeling hurt, feel grateful that she became financially independent which is indeed the crowning achievement of any and all parents!  Are you blind?  What can't you see?  🤔

Don't focus on something successful for your children.  You and your husband have already done your job.  If you wish to succeed with your own business, figure out how to do it without your grown adult children. 

Your intentions are good and it's painful to feel rejected.  However, please remember how you were as a young person.  I'm sure you did not want to be tied to your parents forever.  I'm sure you wanted to become your own individual self.  It's time to cut the umbilical cord.

Don't underestimate nor discount 9 to 5 jobs.  A great many of us prefer job security, stability, a steady paycheck, benefits and a controlled, predictable life.  Respect people's choices.

Generational wealth is not always from inherited businesses.  There are other obvious means!  🤗

You did NOT fail as a parent because you and your husband successfully raised your daughter to become financially independent which is a commendable triumph!  This is what all parents aspire to!  Count your blessings! 

More blessings:  Your daughter did not move faraway.  She's only 30 minutes away which is enviable! 

You would be more miserable if your daughter is still living at home and financially dependent on you and your husband for the rest of your lives. 

You need to change the way you think.

I'm sorry for your husband's childhood bullying experiences.  I was bullied, too.  However, it was long ago and it's a new day.  Those bullies are gone. 

There is editing software which you can purchase for your business and use the expense as a business expense and tax write off.

Even occasional help from your daughter becomes a commitment she does not want.  She's very busy working, financially supporting herself, maintaining her apartment life and she's a grown adult with her own responsibilities. 

Since your daughter lives only 30 minutes away, she can occasionally morally support you and wish you well but don't expect more which is unrealistic.  Don't interfere with her life to the point of annoying and irritating otherwise you will alienate her and do you want that?  Know how to maintain an enduring relationship by being extremely considerate.  Think before you act, speak and write.  Be careful.

It's irrelevant what your daughter does anytime and during her downtime whether she's on her sofa relaxing, doing chores, errands, tasks, not at her apartment or whatever.  It's none of your business.  It's her life, she works hard and it's her prerogative.  Respect her privacy.

I know you're not relying on your daughter for the business to succeed.  You will make it without her so do it. 

Despite your kids' mouths telling you that they're all for one in this business of yours, people change their minds along the way.  What sounded good on paper or verbally in the past, doesn't always transpire into actually going forth in unison.  In life, you must be prepared for these different changing scenarios.

If your business picks up steam and your daughter decides to join you in your business endeavor, cross that bridge then and deal with her in the future.  For now, she prefers to find her own way and go her own way.  Love her enough so she can experience her life on her terms.  She has that right. 

Your job is done and job well done raising your daughter to be on her own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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5 hours ago, Parent10000 said:

I know you all will disagree, but what feels difficult is that my daughter knows our dilemma. She knows editors are very expensive and it will be another expense for us. She knows our horror stories with past editors who didn't invest the time necessary to proofread correctly; or were dogmatic and tried to change our stories and writing in unwanted directions; my past trauma with one of my family members who showed another their artwork and had it brutally stolen from them, and thus, our reluctance to share our stories to an editor electronically, its most vulnerable state because it can't be copyrighted then, only after it's finished. And she knows my son is a full-time student, and we will most likely have to rely on him to edit after this. If she was so concerned about being free and unburdened, why would she leave that burden to someone else?

She knows this. And I know the free time she has, even with a job and maintaining an apartment, she has called and talked about events she's going to, called when she's relaxing on the couch or just walking around a park...she has lots of free time. And where we only need her for a small part of it, she is deciding to completely cut the business out of her life to do what? 

We are doing this all for her, her and my son. Every penny we make will go to them when we die. And, yes, we have movies and other hobbies that connects us, but she knows this is the main way we all connect and have been for years. Now she doesn't even want to do ONE beta read before it's published, just "I'll read it when it comes out, good luck!"? This is more than outgrowing...why is she doing this?

My children have expressed the same desires to avoid 9-5s and eventually begin their own companies. My daughter by a stroke of luck happened to find a job at 24 that allowed her a lot of free time to pursue her own desires, so it's not the worst one she could have. We encourage our children to be entrepreneurs...

And the business is struggling with my daughter leaving or not. It was always my goal to have it up and running well before any of my children left. So separate from the issue above, it just hurts that didn't get to happen.

She doesn't have to spend her free time on helping your business, she doesn't have to be interested in your business. You can see that she's lost interest. Who cares why? You are putting guilt on her because how dare she enjoy take a walk in the park or go out to events she likes? Are you serious? She has a job already, she finished university. She has rent and bills to pay. If God forbid she wants to take a walk in the park, she deserves that! I wonder if you actually hear yourself.

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Also I don't really understand your logic. You say your daughter should work for you because you'll leave everything to your children when you die. Well, yes, you'll be dead so why will you need it? I'm sure most people who have children leave everything they have to their children. That's just normal. Does that mean the child has to be pushed into working for a business that actually makes no money and they obviously don't enjoy? You said you've had this business for ten years but it hasn't really made any money. Maybe it will make money but in ten years so far it hasn't. You keep talking about leaving all this legacy to your children but leaving what exactly? If there's no money in the business what will you leave? 

I think it's great to have a passion but what you don't seem to understand is that it's YOUR passion, not your kids'. And your argument that you're doing it all for them doesn't work because there's no money in the business and your daughter is also not interested. If she's not interested then it's not for her, do you see the difference? Something for her would be something SHE enjoys and values. You say it's for your children but yet you keep saying how you had trouble with editors and you don't want to spend money etc. So really it's for you. Why don't you just admit it.

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