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Where did I go wrong?


Lokesh
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Hi Everyone,

I met a woman about month back in facebook. It was her who added me and as we started talking she indirectly proposed me (Indicating she wants to date).

As we spoke I kind of realised that she is very depressed. After that few distress calls and calls in between she was mostly flirting and I kind of felt she wanted me to say let's date.  I tried giving her some compliments which were well received and I tried giving her hint a call before that I have something serious to talk about in the next call. She again attended next call on time and everything looked good. I indeed told her she is so lovely today and received well. 

Then I write her message next day. It was rejected saying she can't have any boyfriend and she doesn't want to date anyone because she wants to work on her(Maybe right reason not sure) and then I ask her is it that she is not interested in me if so she can be honest about it then I will not disturb again. She decided to not respond.

Been 10 days so no conversation so I keep thinking how did this go wrong? I definitely felt lot of chemistry and one thing I did notice was she was very volatile with her thoughts they were all over the place and change quite often.

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5 minutes ago, Lokesh said:

I ask her is it that she is not interested in me if so she can be honest about it then I will not disturb again. She decided to not respond.

Sorry this happened. This sounds like a scammer or catfish. Don't get involved in anyone who won't meet in a timely manner.

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5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. This sounds like a scammer or catfish. Don't get involved in anyone who won't meet in a timely manner.

I have seen her in camera so she is not scammer

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You never met in person and know Nothing about her.  Date local real-life women in person.

sure, I am trying to figure out why it went wrong? If so I know what not to do. Not everyone dates local women and she was not in some other country but a city which is 500 kms away

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2 minutes ago, Lokesh said:

I am trying to figure out why it went wrong? she was 500 kms away

If you just want chat buddies who may or may not be catfish, then carry on. But... It sounds like you are trying to date. Texting is not dating. Many people do not want to bother with the headache of distance relationships.

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If you haven't done a lot of online dating, you will discover that this happens more often than not.  Trying to decode a stranger's behavior is a waste of time and energy.

Where this is an unknown just fill in the blank with something that makes you feel comfortable.  She has a terminal illness, mental issues that need to be addressed, social anxiety, husband and children. 

There are good number of people looking for nothing more than electronic entertainment and have no intention in meeting in real life.  As you have just experienced, it was all fun until you got attached and it seemed like the next natural step was to take it to another level.  That's about the moment she went dark.

Learn to suss them out quickly to make room for people who have the same intention as you.

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1 hour ago, Lokesh said:

she was not in some other country but a city which is 500 kms away

It's a big effort to set up a date with a total stranger that far away. Maybe reality struck her.

If you actually want to meet someone in person, deal with closer people.

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5 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

It's a big effort to set up a date with a total stranger that far away. Maybe reality struck her.

If you actually want to meet someone in person, deal with closer people.

I can reach her by travelling 4 hours and with wfh I can always relocate

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16 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You didn't do anything wrong, but she is all wrong. She's depressed, flakey and feels insecure. You need to stay away from women like this. 

Believe me this is the way I feel but my heart refuses to listen. Hope with time I stick to this

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1 hour ago, Lokesh said:

Believe me this is the way I feel but my heart refuses to listen. Hope with time I stick to this

Please don't indulge in "my heart refuses to listen"  - you cannot control your feelings.  You can control your reactions.  What if your heart refused to listen and told you to have sex with a married woman? Would you do it because "my heart refuses to listen?"  Please.  Also this is not about heart -you cannot love romantically a person you've never met and you have no idea if the person who appeared on a camera is the one messaging you or if there is only one person messaging you.  I hope you didn't give any personal information or agree to send $ to the people contacting you.

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4 hours ago, Lokesh said:

Been 10 days so no conversation so I keep thinking how did this go wrong? I definitely felt lot of chemistry and one thing I did notice was she was very volatile with her thoughts they were all over the place and change quite often.

Where you went wrong is ignoring all the red flags and creating a fantasy relationship in your head with a complete stranger you've never met. You can't feel chemistry for someone you have not met in person and spent real life time with you. However, you can convince yourself and get lost in this online fantasy that feels real but isn't. Unfortunately, that comes with the consequences you are experiencing - feeling lost and hurt even though you had nothing real with her. 

If you want to date, online is just for introductions. You exchange a few e-mails/dm's with someone and then arrange a real life meeting face to face to find out IF there is any actual real life chemistry. You stick to people who are close enough to meet easily and only talk to those who are willing and able to meet reasonably quickly. You don't waste time getting attached to someone far away who is loaded with red flags - this  is where you went wrong.

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3 hours ago, Lokesh said:

Been 10 days so no conversation so I keep thinking how did this go wrong?

I used to wonder the same thing when I was young. How did this go south? Is it my fault? Was it something I said? At the end you realize that it doesnt really matter. Could something go better? Sure, it always can. But the person who wants to be with you would do just that. They wouldnt have to pull "Oh, I have to work on myself and by working on myself I mean dating these 10 other men". Its just an excuse most of the time. 

Anyway, why do you even chase somebody who you claim that has mental ilness? And who you would be long distance with? Its a red flags galore and you should have been the one cutting that through, not her. You really wonder why you got somebody who is depressed and who is hot and cold and now she wants something and tomorrow doesnt? Its what you get for trying with somebody who is like that. Even if you would be with her you would probably get the same. That is why you cut somebody like that when you see red flags. Not try to move in closer to her.

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2 hours ago, Lokesh said:

Believe me this is the way I feel but my heart refuses to listen. Hope with time I stick to this

This is what can happen with internet affairs...getting emotionally attached unrealistically. It's like 20% reality and 80% fantasy. It's dopamine being released in your brain causing limerence. That's why your reaction is you having a difficult time letting go. To know what it is, will help you in future to not get so involved with anyone that just chats with you for weeks without even meeting. Put those ones aside, and focus on realistic women that want and are willing to meet after a couple of messages. 

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5 hours ago, Lokesh said:

Been 10 days so no conversation so I keep thinking how did this go wrong? I definitely felt lot of chemistry and one thing I did notice was she was very volatile with her thoughts they were all over the place and change quite often.

Yah, very much like her moods.  Unstable.

You do not want to get involved with someone like this.

 

5 hours ago, Lokesh said:

Then I write her message next day. It was rejected saying she can't have any boyfriend and she doesn't want to date anyone because she wants to work on her

Then this is how it is.

You carry on and leave her alone now.  If I am correct, she will never reach out again.

 

 

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2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I used to wonder the same thing when I was young. How did this go south? Is it my fault? Was it something I said? At the end you realize that it doesnt really matter. Could something go better? Sure, it always can. But the person who wants to be with you would do just that. They wouldnt have to pull "Oh, I have to work on myself and by working on myself I mean dating these 10 other men". Its just an excuse most of the time. 

Anyway, why do you even chase somebody who you claim that has mental ilness? And who you would be long distance with? Its a red flags galore and you should have been the one cutting that through, not her. You really wonder why you got somebody who is depressed and who is hot and cold and now she wants something and tomorrow doesnt? Its what you get for trying with somebody who is like that. Even if you would be with her you would probably get the same. That is why you cut somebody like that when you see red flags. Not try to move in closer to her.

I am not chasing, I haven't sent any message neither called her after she stopped responding. Of course I went through lot of anxiety and why questions because I was so sure that she will accept because of the way she was behaving. I felt like she is really waiting for me to say this. 

The girl was real I have spoken to her over video call and seen 1000's of pics so money was not in picture (Or let's say I would have never given even if it was requested).  

The only solace is it all ended very soon else it would have been long road to recovery. I knew all along she is selfish and flaky and unstable but then I somehow couldn't stop myself. I was drawn into it. 

 

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3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I used to wonder the same thing when I was young. How did this go south? Is it my fault? Was it something I said? At the end you realize that it doesnt really matter. Could something go better? Sure, it always can. But the person who wants to be with you would do just that. They wouldnt have to pull "Oh, I have to work on myself and by working on myself I mean dating these 10 other men". Its just an excuse most of the time. 

Anyway, why do you even chase somebody who you claim that has mental ilness? And who you would be long distance with? Its a red flags galore and you should have been the one cutting that through, not her. You really wonder why you got somebody who is depressed and who is hot and cold and now she wants something and tomorrow doesnt? Its what you get for trying with somebody who is like that. Even if you would be with her you would probably get the same. That is why you cut somebody like that when you see red flags. Not try to move in closer to her.

I am not chasing, I haven't sent any message neither called her after she stopped responding. Of course I went through lot of anxiety and why questions because I was so sure that she will accept because of the way she was behaving. I felt like she is really waiting for me to say this. 

The girl was real I have spoken to her over video call and seen 1000's of pics so money was not in picture (Or let's say I would have never given even if it was requested).  

The only solace is it all ended very soon else it would have been long road to recovery. I knew all along she is selfish and flaky and unstable but then I somehow couldn't stop myself. I was drawn into it. 

After 4 years and meeting countless girls this was the only girl with whom I had so much fun and every time we spoke it was laughter and smiles and never ending conversations. While I knew of all her negative traits I couldn't stop talking to her because I felt so connected

 

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7 hours ago, Lokesh said:

I can reach her by travelling 4 hours and with wfh I can always relocate

That's you. What if a woman doesn't want a man to travel 4 hours just to meet her, when she doesn't even know if she will like him or feel any chemistry with him?

That's a lot of pressure for a woman, and it comes off as a bit desperate.

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7 hours ago, Lokesh said:

I can reach her by travelling 4 hours and with wfh I can always relocate

In thinking this, after video chats with someone in only 2 days, you are prime prey material for predators.

LDRs that start that way have an extremely high risk of failure. Don't subject yourself to high risk dating. It's hard on the heart, and also not as satisfying as local dating, where you can actually have in person, regular dates, cuddling, holding hands, fun outings.

What do you do locally, for activities, in your normal life to meet singles in your age group? Are you up to date in your appearance. Are you confident? Do you have a happy life solo, with buddies and fun hobbies and a good career, which makes you interesting dating material?

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29 minutes ago, Andrina said:

In thinking this, after video chats with someone in only 2 days, you are prime prey material for predators.

LDRs that start that way have an extremely high risk of failure. Don't subject yourself to high risk dating. It's hard on the heart, and also not as satisfying as local dating, where you can actually have in person, regular dates, cuddling, holding hands, fun outings.

What do you do locally, for activities, in your normal life to meet singles in your age group? Are you up to date in your appearance. Are you confident? Do you have a happy life solo, with buddies and fun hobbies and a good career, which makes you interesting dating material?

I am software engineer by profession and my hobbies are biking into unknown places solo and travel a lot again solo. Do i meet any singles of my age group? NO. I do meet them in online dating but  it is too little and too few. The one whom I match with generally fails after 1st date. I am still figuring it out why they fail after first date. I genuinely screwed up some dates because I was having bad time at office and it spilled into dating meet ups but most of the other times It was nothing I could do because the reasons I heard was ex reappeared, someone just trying to move on from ex (But they kept it secret until I pressed them) etc etc

I am an expat living in different country. I moved here 4 years back so the amount of people I can date is quite low because I am down somewhere in the pecking order because of ethnicity and stereotypes, not that it bothers me but that's the truth I have to live with. 

So among limited attention I get I try to pick someone who matched me closely and may be that's what makes me needy? I don't know but not something  I am proud off and work hard to get rid off it

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I got married at 42. In my 20s and 30s I knew I wanted marriage and family.  I had an intense career for 15 years and grad school prior to that with incredibly long and unpredictable hours.  But I made it my business to be proactive about finding a husband. 

Sometimes it was like a part time job.  I put myself out there and went to singles events, did activities where I met people (sometimes not single -but who could introduce me to single people -like a volunteer activity) - I was active at places of worship and their events, volunteer work, told people I knew I was interested in being set up, set other people up and they would reciprocate, moved 10 miles from where I grew up to a city teeming with singles after grad school (I was in my late 20s by then). 

I worked hard on not putting myself in situations where I would get jaded or bitter - so I didn't type and talk to men on dating sites who weren't interested in meeting ASAP in person.  For example.  And I didn't get upset other than for short periods of time after especially bad dates. 

Friends of mine who were engineers met single people by volunteering backstage at community theater, salsa or swing dancing lessons, playing tennis, volunteering.  

What won't work is the passive attitude of blaming your "heart" on your decision to pursue a fantasy and what won't work is a pity party of how where you live isn't conducive to meeting people.  Some places are harder than others but if you want a real relationship it often requires being proactive.  Use dating sites as a way to get in contact and then meet in person ASAP for a drink or coffee or a walk.  I met over 100 men through online dating sites when I dated.   

Ask yourself also if it's more exciting to interact with a stranger than to risk in person relationships - which can leave you vulnerable, or having to admit that it's not as exciting to be with someone who wants you back and in person and for a prolonged period of time (I mean to me that's awesome but often people who pursue unavailable people like the thrill of the chase more than real life, loving relationships).  

No excuses -if you want a serious relationship you can control you - where you go to meet people, what new activities you are willing to do -how you are willing to stretch yourself.  Up to you.

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1 hour ago, Lokesh said:

I am software engineer by profession and my hobbies are biking into unknown places solo and travel a lot again solo. Do i meet any singles of my age group? NO. I do meet them in online dating but  it is too little and too few.

Is it the specific location or is it that you aren't really putting in the effort required to develop a healthy local social for yourself or a bit of both?

Hobbies like biking and traveling, can be done solo, but are also great ways to join groups and meet people of all kinds and ages and make friends. You can spend one weekend doing your solo biking thing, but you can also find some biking groups and head out with those groups and start making some friends. The more you broaden your real life social life, the more doors open up to meet a romantic interest as well. At the very least, you won't feel so desperate for companionship that you ignore massive red flags.

Also, you mentioned that you can move easily. So, if you feel really stuck with no people of your age around, then move to where you have people more of your own age and where finding friends, socializing, meeting dates would be easier by sheer population numbers. 

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7 hours ago, Lokesh said:

In the amount of people I can date is quite low because I am down somewhere in the pecking order because of ethnicity and stereotypes, not that it bothers me.

It does bother you. However that's no reason to seek out improbable cyber-relationships. You never even got to a first date with this one so it's not worth bothering with..

If you work from home, why can't you relocate somewhere you feel more comfortable?

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