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Self-centered spouse, little common interests


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Hello everyone. I am in my second marriage going on 9 years. We have one young, wonderful daughter. I have two teens from a previous marriage that lasted 6 yrs.

My husband is French, but has been here over 20 yrs, just now working on becoming a citizen. Our issue is that we consistently lose our connection, which then causes my husband to resent me, and he handles this by making snarky comments, like I am no fun, we don't have sex, etc. My therapist says I am fun, just not with him. He and I are quite different and we have both acknowledged this. I am more of an introvert, he is an extreme extrovert. He has many hobbies/interests, I have about three. I like to chill, he likes to constantly THRILL. Almost like a hedonist. And I have been very supportive, NEVER controlling about what he likes to do, because I want him to be happy. But he gets mad at me when I don't want to do what he wants to do. He has never shown interest in what I want, including where I want to live or what makes me happy. So, I have to fight for everything to get, the type of car I drive, where we live, etc. We lived where he wanted and needed to for his job for 7 yrs, until the pandemic and he permanently began working from home. I was willing to stay but he started harrassing me that I was not giving him sex, not happy, which he was right. So, I said, I am moving back to my hometown (which is a very nice, upscale community, an hr away), and I hope you will come, but I am moving. He finally agreed only because it meant separation if he didn't. He bought a boat and immersed himself in his favorite hobby, fishing, and said we should have moved here years ago 🙄. Our little daughter has many friends and is very happy too. I was much happier, but my oldest child had to be admitted into a residential treatment center for depression, so that has been very difficult for everyone. I found out my son, who is gay, was making sex videos with older men for a while, when I was able to access his phone when he away. I was literally going to commit myself I was sooo upset. My son's father is a total nightmare of a co-parent and worked together with my son to delete all of the sex related stuff off of his phone. My son then turned against me because I wanted to address it. This whole experience was unbelievably difficult for me and affected everyone. My husband is not capable of much compassion, so I dealt with all of this alone and in therapy. Now, my son is not welcome here because he is 18 and refuses to work or do much of anything, barely passing his classes. It has broken my heart what has happened and although I have tried everything to help my son for 10 yrs, nothing has worked. It has become just another stress on my marriage. I am basically wondering if I can even save my marriage. I am so exhausted and I am getting regular incapcitating migraine headaches from the stress of all of this which doesn't help. My husband continues to pout and sigh and I just dream of living in my own house all alone. (Oh. and if anyone was wondering about my middle child, she is my most resilient, but probably deserves a better mother as I have been being so preoccupied dealing with my baby husband and my special needs son to give her the attention she deserves 😢). I have thoughts of just ending my life to make all of this pain go away, but know I need to try to be strong for my kids and figure this out. Going through another divorce, moving AGAIN is just not something I can handle right now.

Thank you for reading if you made it this far ❤️

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2 hours ago, Chandler7 said:

I just dream of living in my own house all alone. . I have thoughts of just ending my life to make all of this pain go away, but know I need to try to be strong for my kids and figure this out.

Sorry this is happening . See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Be frank about the suicidal ideation and depression. Continue therapy for ongoing support. Keep in mind you can call a mental health hotline (now 988 in the US) 24/7 to talk to someone and get immediate help.

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OP, the only way forward is for you to accept that marriage is not something that you need in your life and then to do what you need to do - get a divorce and get rid of the current toxic manchild. Getting that divorce will not make you a lesser person, it will make you free of toxicity and able to actually live and enjoy your life with your kids.

When you are dreaming of a life alone and your current relationship is so toxic that you are getting stress migraines, it's time to get that divorce. That's where you'll find peace and relief. You have to learn to accept that you are a whole person without a man in your life and actually embrace that instead of supporting one louse after another while literally killing your own health and wellbeing.

Keep in mind that this louse in the house is affecting not just you, but your children as well. Enough. Pull the plug on him. Get the support that you need from family, friends, therapist, a good divorce lawyer and do what you need to do to save yourself. You can do this and you will love the result - a peaceful life free of parasitic men.

 

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Thank you all for reading and responding my lengthy post. I married him because we seemed to compliment each other, loved to travel together, enjoyed his French culture, wanted marriage and another child. He was also very stable in a career. I was not. I did feel I loved him, but looking back now, we did not know each other well enough. We dated only 1 year. I thought because I was 40, we would "know" because we were certainly very into each other and wanted many of the same things out of life, family, a home, exploring through travel. He did expose some behaviors once we were married that were very self serving. He did try to do things with my kids, but he did not know how to properly handle discipline and would say things to them that harmed their relationship. He is, however, a very good father to our biological daughter. My older children had some behavioral issues due to my divorce and their father being verbally abusive to me and some alienation. My son (18) and my husband hate each other. I have tried to help, but ultimately, they just never bonded (my son is a very difficult person and slightly on the autism spectrum with adhd). So, here I am now, 9 yrs later trying to cope with a very self focused man. But I sincerely appreciate everyone's perspective. 

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Sounds like an important factor was he was going to provide for you financially.  How did he feel about that?  I understand you feel he showed his true colors later and perhaps you also ignored signs? I agree that divorce seems like a solution here unfortunately.

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