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seriously confused about what the dumper wants


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Well, I have an update to this thread.

Backstory: Ex dumped me 1st week in June. I went NC immediately.

Since my original post in mid-June, my ex hit my friend up to find out how I was and if I was OK, since she wasn't hearing from me. My friend said she guessed I was but gave no details.

A few weeks later mid July she messaged me AGAIN to ask if she could "like" my pics on fb! I ignored. (this is important later)

➡️ MOST CONFUSING PART: By the end of July I felt like I might try dating again. So I joined a dating site. Several people contacted me through there and then....DAMMIT. My ex is now apparently on the app and she "swiped right" (tapped the ❤️) and I got the "X likes you!" notification.

But seriously, why????

***. This from a woman who told me when she ended it that she just needed to be alone. That she didn't want to be with anybody right now. Is this her trying to be indirect and say she wants to try again? When I said earlier she wasn't a great communicator, this is what I meant - she does a lot of skirting or just not saying what she's thinking and I had to figure it out.

This particular app you can see who liked you without you both swiping right. I didn't swipe right. I just deleted it. I'm not into mind games.

Within a couple days I posted on my fb something really great that happened to me at work. She was the 2nd person to react (she put a ❤️ on that also)......😒

Flame away, I should've unfriended her long by now. Or at least made it so she couldn't see my posts.

I haven't somehow been able to bring myself to delete her, though I did unfollow. (Yeah my fault). Dummy me, I still haven't done it. But I need to. I guess I shouldn't worry how it will affect her. She's not worried about me.

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9 minutes ago, lovemy2k9s said:

I posted on my fb something really great that happened to me at work. She was the 2nd person to react (she put a ❤️ on that also)

I haven't somehow been able to bring myself to delete her.

You need to block and delete her and ALL her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Why drag out the drama?

You'll be upset when she posts pics of her new BF, so don't do this to yourself wishing hoping an emoji means anything.

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19 minutes ago, lovemy2k9s said:

Is this her trying to be indirect and say she wants to try again?

It really doesnt matter OP. She doesnt respect your personal space and acts like nothing happened. Whether its because she wants something again, or ego stroke, it doesnt matter. What matters is that you see through her attempts and dont want it.

So, yes, for your own peace, you should just block and delete everywhere. Because her bugging you just makes it harder for you to move on.

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7 hours ago, lovemy2k9s said:

Backstory: Ex dumped me 1st week in June. I went NC immediately.

Good, leave it that way.

She dumped you!  Remember that.

No matter what she is up to now, pay no attention.

You remove her from your life, totally to work on healing & accepting.

 

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Sounds a bit patronizing, as though she believes that she's entitled to know about you regardless of the false hope it provokes in you.

If an ex ever has a change of heart and wants to reconcile, they won't feed breadcrumbs, they will have no problem being clear about that and letting you know.

Anything less is just jerking you around.

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14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to block and delete her and ALL her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

I did unfollow her and haven't looked at her page at all. But I guess NC means not letting her in on MY life either. Or does NC still apply in that way?

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7 hours ago, September14 said:

Are you wanting to get back together with her at all ? 

Yes, I would consider it but my first question to her would be, what has changed? And I would need a GOOD answer to that. And we would have to start all over, new relationship, new everything, start from the beginning like the first date.

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7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Sounds a bit patronizing, as though she believes that she's entitled to know about you regardless of the false hope it provokes in you.

If an ex ever has a change of heart and wants to reconcile, they won't feed breadcrumbs, they will have no problem being clear about that and letting you know.

Anything less is just jerking you around.

I agree. But I still can't understand why someone who didn't love me any more, didn't want a relationship any more, fed me every single excuse under the sun for why it won't work (and even more excuses to other people) would now be jerking me around like this. Is this what they call "mind games"? Why would an ex do that if she were the dumper?

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2 hours ago, lovemy2k9s said:

I did unfollow her and haven't looked at her page at all. But I guess NC means not letting her in on MY life either. Or does NC still apply in that way?

You seem quite desperate to keep up communication through nonsense emoji reactions on social media. However she does not want to reconcile, so you are wasting precious time refusing to stop this and date other women.

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3 hours ago, lovemy2k9s said:

I agree. But I still can't understand why someone who didn't love me any more, didn't want a relationship any more, fed me every single excuse under the sun for why it won't work (and even more excuses to other people) would now be jerking me around like this. Is this what they call "mind games"? Why would an ex do that if she were the dumper?

It's just entitlement. Let me check up on one of my chess pieces and say emoji.

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10 hours ago, lovemy2k9s said:

I agree. But I still can't understand why someone who didn't love me any more, didn't want a relationship any more, fed me every single excuse under the sun for why it won't work (and even more excuses to other people) would now be jerking me around like this. Is this what they call "mind games"? Why would an ex do that if she were the dumper?

You don't seem to understand just how arrogant your ex actually is.

The excuses for dumping you were just that - excuses and a truckload of manure.

Checking up on you is her ego and arrogance. She thinks she is so grand, how could you possibly live without her and be OK? She expected you to crawl on your hands and knees, cry, beg, plead, contact her, aka stroke her ego while she waves you away with more truckloads of manure.

When you went NC, your self respect took her by surprise. So she sought out ego fodder via the mutual friend. Surely you must be curled up in your place with stale pizza crying your eyes out. Your friend didn't play ball and shut her down, which was good of her or just plain smart.

So now your ex came across you on the dating app and again is fishing for your attention. It's been awhile, maybe you are desperate enough and foolish enough to step into her manure trap.

Why would you even entertain the idea of giving someone like that the time of day? Head high because you can easily do better. If you are ready to date, then date. If you come across your ex on a dating app, just block her and keep on going on. Don't let some ex hold you back from your life and what you want to do. Also, do block her on your fb. You don't need manure in your life, right? Right.

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There was a woman who used to post on this forum. She was always bragging about the hordes of wealthy, successful and well-known men who were clamoring to date her. So she decided the man she'd been dating just didn't meet her standards (perfectly within her right to do so, of course) and met up with him to break up. Well, this man has some self esteem so he said he understood, wished her well and walked away. She then chased after him and attempted to kiss him. And she became outraged when he rebuffed her kiss. She was seriously upset! She had expected him to fall apart, beg, plead, maybe even cry, because she was such a sought after catch. But he didn't, and her ego couldn't stand it. So she had to try to lure him back as her fan so she could soothe her ego. And this is all coming from her, not just my interpretation. She told this forum that story and was surprised when everyone applauded him, not her.

Years ago I too had been dating a man who was used to women falling all over him. He took it very badly when I chose to stop dating him. He literally stalked me and wouldn't leave me alone, not because he loved me so gosh darned much but because his ego couldn't stand that I wasn't panting to date him. He'd never been dumped and he was furious. It took him YEARS to finally leave me alone. 

My point is, don't underestimate the human ego and what lengths some people will go to in order to soothe their egos. Some people love having fans. They can't imagine anyone can possibly function without them. It's not out of love but about themselves and their high opinion of themselves.

It may surprise you what some people are hiding under their facades of being sweet and nice.

You can leave her in your rear view mirror.  It's all up to you.

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18 minutes ago, lovemy2k9s said:

I did it. I clicked the block button. 

And on both dating sites. 

It was hard...sent me back to Day 1, but only for a while.

But now I can honestly move on and be myself again.

YAY!!!! It's tough to cut that last string or two, but it's also true freedom. 

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4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

There was a woman who used to post on this forum. She was always bragging about the hordes of wealthy, successful and well-known men who were clamoring to date her. So she decided the man she'd been dating just didn't meet her standards (perfectly within her right to do so, of course) and met up with him to break up. Well, this man has some self esteem so he said he understood, wished her well and walked away. She then chased after him and attempted to kiss him. And she became outraged when he rebuffed her kiss. She was seriously upset! She had expected him to fall apart, beg, plead, maybe even cry, because she was such a sought after catch. But he didn't, and her ego couldn't stand it. So she had to try to lure him back as her fan so she could soothe her ego. And this is all coming from her, not just my interpretation. She told this forum that story and was surprised when everyone applauded him, not her.

Years ago I too had been dating a man who was used to women falling all over him. He took it very badly when I chose to stop dating him. He literally stalked me and wouldn't leave me alone, not because he loved me so gosh darned much but because his ego couldn't stand that I wasn't panting to date him. He'd never been dumped and he was furious. It took him YEARS to finally leave me alone. 

My point is, don't underestimate the human ego and what lengths some people will go to in order to soothe their egos. Some people love having fans. They can't imagine anyone can possibly function without them. It's not out of love but about themselves and their high opinion of themselves.

It may surprise you what some people are hiding under their facades of being sweet and nice.

You can leave her in your rear view mirror.  It's all up to you.

Thank you for sharing this story. I think it's very relevant and a little bit parallel. 

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6 hours ago, lovemy2k9s said:

.I clicked the block button. And on both dating sites. 

You blocked her on dating sites?  Seriously? Why won't you simply delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps. Stop pretending you're getting anywhere with this.

If you two are both on dating sites after breaking up, why are you bothering with all this?

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On 8/9/2022 at 3:09 AM, Wiseman2 said:

You blocked her on dating sites?  Seriously? Why won't you simply delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps. Stop pretending you're getting anywhere with this.

If you two are both on dating sites after breaking up, why are you bothering with all this?

If you read it correctly, I said I disconnected from her already on the only social media site I have, and on the two dating sites I use (well now only one because I deleted my account on the one she sent me the heart on), I blocked her. And I'm bothering with it because she sent me a heart on the dating site. 

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1 hour ago, gonefromthisplace said:

If you read it correctly, I said I disconnected from her already on the only social media site I have, and on the two dating sites I use (well now only one because I deleted my account on the one she sent me the heart on), I blocked her. And I'm bothering with it because she sent me a heart on the dating site. 

Good work! Thank you for the update, and I hope to hear of you meeting great people and enjoying yourself.

Head high.

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1 hour ago, gonefromthisplace said:

she sent me a heart on the dating site.

Remember the story I told you about the woman trying to kiss the man she'd just broken up with?

Sounds like your ex has an ego as large as that woman's.  She wants you pining and heartbroken over her, begging and pleading for her to take you back.

Sounds to me like you're far better off without her clogging up your life with her BS.

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