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Ended a short term relationship and regret it


September14
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Hello ! New here. 

Im 34 year old female and I recently got out of a 3 1/2 year relationship. I am very thankful that relationship ended. I have no hard feelings, even though the relationship was kind of traumatic.  When I got out of that relationship I really had my heart set to stay single for a decent time and figure myself out. 

Low and behold, someone I have known for over 4 years reached out after only a month of me being single. We have tons in common and we both always figured that we would be a good match, but were never single at the same time. We started spending time as closer friends and eventually started dating. 

I was very honest from the start that I wasn't ready for a relationship yet and that I would like to take things slow, but that I really liked him (which I did, and do still like him). 

Things started to get complicated because feelings started to develop and started to progress fast even though the intent was to take things slow. I met his dad, we spent a weekend with my friend. Went on double dates. He planned on me meeting his entire family, invited me to a wedding as his date, and told everyone about me. We fooled around a bit, but I chose never to have sex with him since we weren't in an official relationship. I started to have an internal conflict about if I was ready for all this and how fast things were progressing. I really liked him but also felt like I didn't want to ruin a good thing when I was so recently single. 

We eneded up dating for about 2 months total,  and then everything kind of blew up. 

He went out drinking with his family one night and he seemed to really change after that. Distant, cold. When we hung out 4 days after he was shaky, having trouble talking, popping heart burn medications and the chemistry was gone. He wasn't his happy charismatic self. 

I tried to talk to him and ask him if everything was okay with him, If he still wanted to date. His response was always that "everything was fine" and that he wanted to date still. But something felt very different to me and he wasn't the same for about a week, The distance was evident. So after a lot of stress and thought, and after making efforts to discuss my concerns about his coldness without any comfort, I ended things and explained that I'm just not ready for a relationship right now. 

He deleted me and my friends from all social media after that. 

After a week of no contact I reached out to him and explained myself further on why I ended things so abruptly. Eg that he seemed cold and distant after going out drinking, in addition to me still working on myself after my recent break up. He said he felt really upset and hurt at the time. I suggested if we can still be friends in the mean time and maybe down the road we can see how things go. But he said he is not interested in that because he would still want to act the way we were when we were dating, and didn't think he could manage being friends. 

 I tried to reach out again recently and ask how he was doing. Only for him to respond 5 hours later stating "I'm busy visiting with my family". I haven't bothered reaching out again. 

Is there anything I can do at this point?  It's been about 2 weeks now since we spoke/texted last. I feel like I made a mistake. Do you think there is even any way to salvage this? 

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10 minutes ago, September14 said:

Only for him to respond 5 hours later stating "I'm busy visiting with my family". I haven't bothered reaching out again. 

Sorry this happened. You stated you didn't want to date or have a relationship, yet he wanted to date, so yes, leave him alone.

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16 minutes ago, September14 said:

Is there anything I can do at this point?  It's been about 2 weeks now since we spoke/texted last. I feel like I made a mistake. Do you think there is even any way to salvage this? 

You left him suddenly. Just because at the moment he didnt give you enough attention. What do you expect him to do after that? To jump into your arms again? To try to be friends? He was hurt so he did the logical thing, delete you and your friends and stop contact. Point is, you should have thought about what would happen after you break up, before you left him. Now, its late. He is hurt, so just accept its over.

Also, you dont really seem to be ready to have a relationship. Most of the stuff he did, albeit maybe fast, is perfectly normal for a relationship. Double dates, date for a wedding etc. Its you who pumped the breaks there and escaped at the first signs of maybe something being wrong. Which indicates that you are not nearly ready for anything more. So leave it like that.

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59 minutes ago, September14 said:

Distant, cold. When we hung out 4 days after he was shaky, having trouble talking, popping heart burn medications and the chemistry was gone. He wasn't his happy charismatic self. 

I tried to talk to him and ask him if everything was okay with him, If he still wanted to date. His response was always that "everything was fine" and that he wanted to date still. But something felt very different to me and he wasn't the same for about a week, The distance was evident.

I think you should focus on this ^^^ and the reasons you didn't like this.  It could be that this distant cold person is the real him.  And the fun person was an act. 

1 hour ago, September14 said:

Only for him to respond 5 hours later stating "I'm busy visiting with my family". I haven't bothered reaching out again. 

Sorry but he's not open to you.  I think the only thing to do is just stop. 

Any further attempts will be you hurting you.  I've been in your shoes.  Some people just simply aren't for you.  Yes.  You might have some good times but conflict resolution is a big part of a relationship. You tried twice to patch things up.  Both times he focused on the hurt, not the resolution. You can only work towards resolution with a person that also wants resolution.

 I'm sorry that you're hurting but I think you might still be healing from the past relationship. you're mixed up and emotionally all over the place.  That's not going to make for a stable relationship.

You can't break it off and then come back with an explanation.  You stay with the person and be honest about what is happening. That's the lesson here. But again, you're emotionally on shaky ground. It's hard to stand in your truth when you unsure and lack the confidence. 

Focus on healing yourself.  So the next guy you date you are YOU. no excuses. 

Some times things don't work out. It'll be OK. ❤️

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"Distant, cold. When we hung out 4 days after he was shaky, having trouble talking, popping heart burn medications and the chemistry was gone. He wasn't his happy charismatic self. "

To be fair tho I think that night of drinking, his buddies drilled home the truth of your arrangement. They probably told him he was wasting his time, being strung along and nothing will come of it. He was heartbroken/devastated with the reality, that's why he was behaving that way. 

Just leave the poor guy alone. If you say you want to stay single, then just do that, don't get involved with anyone.

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Ugh these answers are heartbreaking. Its sad to think I ruined something good because I wasnt ready and totally screwed it up. I should have waited before dating seriously. That was my intent but it just didn't happen that way. 

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Too much too soon and a combination of both of you, neither pausing yourselves or each other and running with something way too fast. He knew you were just out of a relationship and was he as well? 

If you reconnect it’ll be after you’ve both healed and moved on from this. 

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6 hours ago, September14 said:

Low and behold, someone I have known for over 4 years reached out after only a month of me being single. We have tons in common and we both always figured that we would be a good match, but were never single at the same time.

How did he know you were single again? Have you always been in touch? How do you know each other? Who reached out to whom?

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No there is nothing to salvage, you were just out of a relationship and it was really bad timing by both of you but you both wanted it so this happened and ended too fast. 

Just stay single and focus on your life. Don't go back or try to reconnect, usually it just makes things more messy as it never did start on a good foundation.

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Bad timing happens more than you think.  Like in your past when you both were never single at the same time.

 Leave him alone and focus on your original plan which was to work on yourself.  Then if you feel strong enough to go all in on a relationship with anyone contact him and let him know that.  If it takes 6 months or a year that is what it takes.

 I know you are sad about this but what if you kept dating and it turned into a huge mess because you weren't ready and then there would be zero chance of revisiting it later.  This was a good thing in the long run.

 He is right to not want to be friends because he wants to be more than friends and you are not capable of that right now.  He was honest with you so be honest with yourself.

  I would bet he will be receptive to seeing you again once you are really ready but don't count on it.  Heal up, get your life going the way you want then add someone to it.

Lost

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I agree you didn't ruin something good, it was just bad timing. It was meant to be. There is more than one soulmate for you or anyone. It's possible down the road you will meet the love of your life and be grateful how things actually turned out.

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2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How did he know you were single again? Have you always been in touch? How do you know each other? Who reached out to whom?

I think he just noticed that I was posting a lot of pictures with my girlfriends online. We have many mutual friends. And yes we have always been in touch. We work in the same line of work and have a lot of the same hobbies so always kept in contact at a distance. 

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10 hours ago, September14 said:

He went out drinking with his family one night and he seemed to really change after that. Distant, cold. When we hung out 4 days after he was shaky, having trouble talking, popping heart burn medications and the chemistry was gone. He wasn't his happy charismatic self. 

I tried to talk to him and ask him if everything was okay with him, If he still wanted to date. His response was always that "everything was fine" and that he wanted to date still. But something felt very different to me and he wasn't the same for about a week, The distance was evident. So after a lot of stress and thought, and after making efforts to discuss my concerns about his coldness without any comfort, I ended things and explained that I'm just not ready for a relationship right now.

You stated yourself that the REASON that you broke up with him was because HE started acting cold and distant, and when you tried to address it with him multiple times, he shut down, wouldn't acknowledge that anything was wrong, and wouldn't change his behaviour.

Now you're beating YOURSELF up for the break-up, saying that you think it's because you rushed into the relationship too soon after your last break-up, you're emotionally all over the place, and you still need time to work on yourself before you can get into a healthy relationship.

While all of those things are probably true, why are you glossing over HIS direct contribution to this break-up, which is him suddenly starting to act cold and distant toward you for no reason, and refusing to communicate about it with you when you tried to address it with him?

I agree with Lambert: Acting cold and distant toward you, and refusing to communicate about it or comfort you, could be him showing you his true colours.

When people show you who they really are, believe them THE FIRST TIME.

I think that you're exactly right in your decision to stay single and work on yourself right now, but I'd actually DISCOURAGE you from trying to reconnect with this guy in the future. He's shown you who he really is.

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12 hours ago, September14 said:

After a week of no contact I reached out to him and explained myself further on why I ended things so abruptly. Eg that he seemed cold and distant after going out drinking, in addition to me still working on myself after my recent break up. He said he felt really upset and hurt at the time.

I'm sorry you're hurting. You broke up because he was mistreating you and became unkind.

When you raised this with him prior to breaking up, he shut you down, yet he continued the mistreatment. So when you raised it again after the breakup, did he offer any shred of explanation for his coldness?

Sounds as though he just turned the breakup back on you for hurting him.

That doesn't sound worth saving.

That's the issue here, not whether he wants to be friends. He went ugly on you, and that's never been addressed--or changed.

So what's to salvage, exactly? It sounds like you dodged a bullet.

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45 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I'm sorry you're hurting. You broke up because he was mistreating you and became unkind.

When you raised this with him prior to breaking up, he shut you down, yet he continued the mistreatment. So when you raised it again after the breakup, did he offer any shred of explanation for his coldness?

Sounds as though he just turned the breakup back on you for hurting him.

That doesn't sound worth saving.

That's the issue here, not whether he wants to be friends. He went ugly on you, and that's never been addressed--or changed.

So what's to salvage, exactly? It sounds like you dodged a bullet.

This actually might be what I needed to hear. I do feel like we were both to contribute to this falling out and you're right that my initial thought to end things because of the distance was the right choice and I should move on and accept that's who he really was. 

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1 hour ago, Wonderstruck said:

You stated yourself that the REASON that you broke up with him was because HE started acting cold and distant, and when you tried to address it with him multiple times, he shut down, wouldn't acknowledge that anything was wrong, and wouldn't change his behaviour.

Now you're beating YOURSELF up for the break-up, saying that you think it's because you rushed into the relationship too soon after your last break-up, you're emotionally all over the place, and you still need time to work on yourself before you can get into a healthy relationship.

While all of those things are probably true, why are you glossing over HIS direct contribution to this break-up, which is him suddenly starting to act cold and distant toward you for no reason, and refusing to communicate about it with you when you tried to address it with him?

I agree with Lambert: Acting cold and distant toward you, and refusing to communicate about it or comfort you, could be him showing you his true colours.

When people show you who they really are, believe them THE FIRST TIME.

I think that you're exactly right in your decision to stay single and work on yourself right now, but I'd actually DISCOURAGE you from trying to reconnect with this guy in the future. He's shown you who he really is.

Thank you. This has helped me. Makes me think I made the right initial decision to end things when I felt a shift happen. Hard not to spin it around on myself.  Your right I am definitely all over the place and need to get my head on straight before entering anything with anyone. Just tough to say goodbye to someone when things were going so well before that. 

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16 hours ago, September14 said:

t he seemed cold and distant after going out drinking, in addition to me still working on myself after my recent break up. He said he felt really upset and hurt at the time. I suggested if we can still be friends in the mean time and maybe down the road we can see how things go. But he said he is not interested in that because he would still want to act the way we were when we were dating, and didn't think he could manage being friends. 

No, you stop bothering him now.  Respect.

HE started pulling away. YOU are not even ready to be involved again yet. ( and note his strange behaviour - meet all his family, attend a wedding w/ him?).

As he said, he could not 'be a friend' as he'd expect more than that, like before.  I agree!  I've been there.  It was all or nothing.

So, leave him alone.  Let him deal with whatever he's got going on and just focus on your own well-being.

Time to move on.

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I wonder if something happened during that night out that he feels bad about. Regardless, do you really want a boyfriend or a friend who can treat you like that and offer no apology or explanation? Maybe work on your self worth if you think a relationship with such a person is good for you.  

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19 hours ago, September14 said:

 I recently got out of a 3 1/2 year relationship. I am very thankful that relationship ended. the relationship was kind of traumatic.  

Are you still talking to this ex? What was the breakup about? How was it traumatic? 

It seems this man was always sort of "there" (maybe as friends, maybe as an orbiter) . But when it came to actually dating each other it didn't work out.

This seems like a classic rebound situation and it will settle down and blow over in time.

That's ok. If you feel ending your last relationship was the right call, things will work out.

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13 hours ago, September14 said:

I do feel like we were both to contribute to this falling out and you're right that my initial thought to end things because of the distance was the right choice and I should move on and accept that's who he really was. 

How did you both contribute? I don't see you asking him what's wrong as an insult or a mistake.

Let's say he didn't do the worst thing possible--shut you down instead of explaining what his coldness was about--would you really want a partner who's go-to method of handling conflict is to cold shoulder you?

This isn't to villainize the guy, just to clarify the difference between a friend you were fond of versus a good match for a partner.

Something about this guy came out sideways to hurt you, and that's not okay. Hold out for someone with the emotional intelligence to view you as a partner, not an adversary.

Head high.

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