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Pornography use ruining realtionship


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My boyfriend's Pornography use has come in-between our relationship. 

With a limitless supply of Pornography at his fingertips, the monotony of 'me' has become unstimulating. Due to him fulfilling his own needs, I feel cheated out of a satisfying sexual experience and my desire for intimacy isn't met. I try not to take it personally but I am often left feeling undesirable, which is a huge turn off. 

I dress in lingerie, I try to be sexier and switch things up playfully, however, I have been rejected due to him having already satisfied himself. It's disappointing, off-putting and difficult not to take it personally. He has a high sex drive, just not with me. 
Despite feeling hurt, I have tried to understand and shake off feelings of inadequacy: Porn is a way to satisfy himself quickly with a variety of fantasies with no partner to consider. It's easy. It's lazy. It's effortless. 
When I picked up the courage to talk to him in a non-confrontational manor, his immediate response was that he would stop and that was the end of the conversation- But he didn't stop. He now just fulfills his own needs in secrecy, often concealed with lies which makes matters much worse. The lies are irritating and I feel like he puts his desires before my trust. I am disappointed.
After weeks of feeling like I had been dismissed with a lie, I spoke to him again. He said:
"This is a subject we are not going to agree on. I watched Porn while I was single; It meant nothing then and it means nothing now." 

There's a lot more to a relationship than sex, but this situation is really grinding me down. Advice?

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44 minutes ago, Inky-nebula said:

  He said:
"This is a subject we are not going to agree on. I watched Porn while I was single; It meant nothing then and it means nothing now." 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How old is he? Do you live together?

The problem isn't porn or policing his masturbation, the problem is your BF. Porn is ubiquitous. Your BF is cold and nasty.

There's no cure for being shut out and rejected. Even slicing and dicing your words to attempt to address it. Don't bother dressing up or spicing things up. That's not the problem.

Once you end it and find a man who cares about you and the relationship, you'll feel a lot better. Once you decided to move on from a cold rejecting man, you won't worry about his sexuality.

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Wiseman2:

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How old is he? Do you live together?

To answer your questions. We live together. Dating 3 years and we are both in our 30's. 

 

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14 minutes ago, Inky-nebula said:

.We live together. Dating 3 years and we are both in our 30's.

Was there a decent sex life before you moved in together? Do you co-own co-lease or is it his place or yours? Can either of you move out?

Do you have the same goals and values? Are you hoping this goes anywhere, such as marriage and family? 

Unfortunately this won't get better. If he'd rather have sex with his hand, let him.

But ask him to sleep on the sofa until you can make arrangements to extricate yourself from this.

Don't waste your time trying to fix change or police him. If this is the honeymoon period, imagine how bad it will be when that wears off.

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He's basically telling you this will not change. He will not change.

You're trying but is he?

I'd leave him. Let him be with his porn. You have to know there are plenty of guys that would love to be with a real live woman than porn.

Go find one. Be happy. Know when to give up a lost cause. Mainly, someone who refuses to do anything to meet your needs, but sure enjoys what he does want from you.  

He's a loser. 

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You have two options. Really try to work with him on healing his porn addiction, and resources like Fight the New Drug can be a good place to start. (Of which, you are not alone. Too many women are facing this issue more and more of their partner's being addicted to porn, or before it even gets that far, having some unhealthy dependency on it or preference for it. Yet, people feel they can't question it because it's so ubiquitous and normalized, but it doesn't have to be. I am of the mind that porn is not healthy the majority of the time for majority of people.) But, this will require two people honestly working together, which seems like your boyfriend is not willing to do.

Second option, break up. He's choosing addiction over you, and you have to show him and yourself that you will not settle for that. Try to find a partner who is normal and healthy and would choose real-life sex over digital addictions any day. I wish you the best. Far too many women are in your boat these days.

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Needinghelp101: As a result of him not seeing any issue with his involvement in this scenario, it looks like the latter option has become the only choice. 

Wiseman2: We once had a great sex life but the novelty of 'me' wore off - and it is certainly not due to a lack of trying on my part. I believe he gets bored easily so the variety of Women in Pornography entertains him. 
Other than this issue, our core values and life goals are similar which is what makes this situation so incredibly sad. 

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54 minutes ago, Inky-nebula said:

Yes. I estimate that it started within the first couple of months after moving in together. 

Unfortunately, his pornography use/masturbating has probably always been there to the same degree. However moving in together can kill the attraction/romance with someone who just wants to coast along playing house, kick back and put the relationship on autopilot.. 

Be out much more. Spend more time with friends and family. Join groups and clubs. get involved in fitness and sports. Volunteer. Get a fun part-time job.

Step away from domestic drudgery and be more mysterious. Don't become a housefrau. He stopped trying. Don't beg for sex or focus on porn. That's not the real issue. It's just a symptom.

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Inky,

 He has basically told you his needs come before yours all the time.

 Unfortunately this is his selfish attitude and I would bet it permeates other parts of your relationship too.

 I wouldn't waste anytime trying to convince him he has a porn problem because he has shown he simply doesn't care about your feelings.  Why should he change?  His needs are being met by himself so what even have a girlfriend? 

 You should start planning your escape from this relationship.  You will need to secure a place to live, first and last months rent (unless he lives in your home) and separate any financial encumbrances between you two.  That way when you pull the trigger on the breakup there will be little reason to be around him much.

Do a search on this forum for "Porn" of "Porn Addiction" and you will see pages and pages of women in your shoes.  I just don't get why a guy would choose porn over a real live woman that wants him.

  Lost

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4 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

I just don't get why a guy would choose porn over a real live woman that wants him.

Their sexuality has been slowly programmed to live in the world of fantasies, not reality. And with porn, there's no need for seduction, discussion, vulnerability, passion, creativity, effort, both physical, mental and emotional. Just sit back, have your endless choice of addicting women and various sexual acts, and you'll get an orgasm anyway.

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9 minutes ago, Needinghelp101 said:

Their sexuality has been slowly programmed to live in the world of fantasies, not reality. And with porn, there's no need for seduction, discussion, vulnerability, passion, creativity, effort, both physical, mental and emotional. Just sit back, have your endless choice of addicting women and various sexual acts, and you'll get an orgasm anyway.

I agree it happens slowly but it is still a choice and if you are doing something that hurts the person you say you love and they voice that to you it is time to listen.

 He has a choice and he has chosen to continue even when it hurts her deeply.  This is much more than fantasy and an easy orgasm, it is selfish, uncaring and dishonest. 

  Lost

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6 hours ago, Inky-nebula said:

Yes. I estimate that it started within the first couple of months after moving in together. The Pornography use has progressively increased therefor his desire for physical intimacy has declined. 

He's not just depriving you of physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy, which is the core problem.

If he were emotionally invested in you, he would be concerned for your feelings, regardless of whether he uses porn.

That's why the porn in not the issue--it's a distraction from the real problem. 

If you were to tell him that you're not asking him to stop the porn, you're asking him to return to sharing emotional intimacy with you, he'd either just agree or not, because that ship has sailed. He'll say whatever just to shut down your discussion--he doesn't care how that makes you feel.

Not sure whether it matters to you that he's wasting your fertility years, but he's just plain wasting your time.

My heart goes out to you. Write more if it helps.

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16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Someone who just wants to coast along playing house, kick back and put the relationship on autopilot.. 

Wiseman2: This statement has hit hard. For a long time I have felt like a background character on "autopilot". I cook, clean and maintain the household unnoticed as he watches sports, plays on his Xbox and masturbates. He behaves like a single teenager. 

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1 hour ago, Inky-nebula said:

For a long time I have felt like a background character on "autopilot". I cook, clean and maintain the household unnoticed as he watches sports, plays on his Xbox and masturbates. He behaves like a single teenager. 

Exactly. This is not about compulsive masturbation/porn viewing. This is someone who kicks back and expects you to be the adult/mother. If it's your place, give him notice. If it's his place, move out. He's taking advantage of this situation.

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3 hours ago, Inky-nebula said:

Wiseman2: This statement has hit hard. For a long time I have felt like a background character on "autopilot". I cook, clean and maintain the household unnoticed as he watches sports, plays on his Xbox and masturbates. He behaves like a single teenager. 

I ask this with no judgement: how did you get to this point, of essentially acting like his mother while he sits around doing nothing?

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Well just myself personally I don't have an issue with my partner watching porn and I watch it myself, but it's an occasional thing. I agree with you that if your partner becomes disinterested in sex with you and just prefers porn, it's an issue.

And really a mind boggling one because why would someone prefer to watch porn and just masturbate when they have a real person to be with? Especially if that person is their long term partner and you can have affection and real intimacy with them as well.

It's also concerning that your boyfriend thinks nothing of it. If he's lying and hiding it then that potentially could be a real porn addiction. That's pretty typical addiction behaviour when they say things like: "I'll just stop" but they don't stop and just do it in secret. 

If you've been together three years though and the sex deteriorated, do you think there are any other issues in the relationship? Sometimes lack of sex is actually a symptom of something else. Although the something else could also be porn addiction itself.

Maybe you could try asking your boyfriend if he'd be willing to do some couples counselling? 

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He’s told you in a very straightforward manner that he isn’t giving up porn. If this is a deal breaker for you, you need to walk away, completely and permanently. He’s made his choice, now you need to make yours. 

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