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Dating and being a busy mom.


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So, I've finally reached a point where everything is going well, for the most part.  And I've been dating a guy for a little more than 2 months now and it's going pretty good.  But a part of me feels like I don't know how this is supposed to work now.  I have my two kids.  One is a third grader and one is a high schooler.  I don't know how to juggle dating and being a busy, involved mom.  And I also work, full time, and I'm off every Wednesday and every other weekends. He works M-F, off on the weekends.  

So, for the most part, we get 1-2 nights together a week.  We don't talk on the phone much, but we text throughout the day.  We met on Facebook dating in May.  Before we met in person, we talked for hours on the phone or on text.  We don't talk much now, but I think it's because we see eachother in person and talk then.  Is that normal?  And is seeing eachother 1-2 nights a week normal?  

My son has football practice every night.  His dad will maybe take him 2 nights of the week, but I try to go see James those nights.  I also work every other weekend, but try to spend as much time with the kids when I'm off as I can.  They stay with their dad on the weekends that I work.  So, I usually go hang out with James, then also.  But we haven't gotten a full day together.  

I'm afraid that I'm not giving him the time that he deserves.  He says that he knows what he signed up for and loves that I'm an involved mom.  But I'm afraid he's going think that I'm too busy for him and I don't want him to think that I'm just kind of penciling him in where I can fit him.  I'd honestly like him to make the plans and I can make it work, because other than the first like 3 dates, I've been the one saying "well, hey, let's do something on this day".  I'm afraid things will start fizzling out and I really like him😔.  This week, I saw him Tuesday night and was supposed to see him last night, but mentioned that I had to take my daughter to her friends house and then pick her up, and instead of him saying "Well, ok, we can meet up for a quick dinner or something just so we can see eachother" he was just like "ok, well, that's fine.  I guess I'll see you sometime next week".  I tried to tell him that we could see eachother for a bit and he just said that he didn't want me to feel rushed.  And I'm not going to lie, I was a little upset.  He told me this morning that he hoped that I didn't feel like he didn't want to see me, that he was just trying to make me feel like I didn't have to rush, but it did kind of feel like that.  Is it ok for me to talk to him about that? Maybe tell him that, I kind of want him to make the plans even if I may not be able to do them?  

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I've tried dating guys with young children and even though they haven't been the primary caregiver, they were rarely available.  They'd often cancel due to something or other happening with one of the kids or they had things they had to take them to, go watch etc.  If you've got all this stuff going on, it makes it very difficult for someone else to slot into your life.  He's probably putting the onus on you to make arrangements because his time isn't restricted like yours is and he figures it's easier than suggesting something and you saying you're busy.

For me, asking someone to make plans that you know you likely won't be able to make is unfair.  Can you not get someone to mind the kids at a regular time so he's assured that any plans he makes will go ahead?  Definitely talk to him, but don't expect him to do all the compromising.

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9 hours ago, JandJMom said:

Maybe tell him that, I kind of want him to make the plans even if I may not be able to do them?  

That makes no sense. Be clear and accurate about when you are and are not available. Figure out a more organized custody/visitation schedule with your children's father. Talk to friends and family about babysitting and sleepovers. 

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11 hours ago, JandJMom said:

So, I've finally reached a point where everything is going well, for the most part.  And I've been dating a guy for a little more than 2 months now and it's going pretty good.  But a part of me feels like I don't know how this is supposed to work now.  I have my two kids.  One is a third grader and one is a high schooler.  I don't know how to juggle dating and being a busy, involved mom.  And I also work, full time, and I'm off every Wednesday and every other weekends. He works M-F, off on the weekends.  

So, for the most part, we get 1-2 nights together a week.  We don't talk on the phone much, but we text throughout the day.  We met on Facebook dating in May.  Before we met in person, we talked for hours on the phone or on text.  We don't talk much now, but I think it's because we see eachother in person and talk then.  Is that normal?  And is seeing eachother 1-2 nights a week normal?  

My son has football practice every night.  His dad will maybe take him 2 nights of the week, but I try to go see James those nights.  I also work every other weekend, but try to spend as much time with the kids when I'm off as I can.  They stay with their dad on the weekends that I work.  So, I usually go hang out with James, then also.  But we haven't gotten a full day together.  

I'm afraid that I'm not giving him the time that he deserves.  He says that he knows what he signed up for and loves that I'm an involved mom.  But I'm afraid he's going think that I'm too busy for him and I don't want him to think that I'm just kind of penciling him in where I can fit him.  I'd honestly like him to make the plans and I can make it work, because other than the first like 3 dates, I've been the one saying "well, hey, let's do something on this day".  I'm afraid things will start fizzling out and I really like him😔.  This week, I saw him Tuesday night and was supposed to see him last night, but mentioned that I had to take my daughter to her friends house and then pick her up, and instead of him saying "Well, ok, we can meet up for a quick dinner or something just so we can see eachother" he was just like "ok, well, that's fine.  I guess I'll see you sometime next week".  I tried to tell him that we could see eachother for a bit and he just said that he didn't want me to feel rushed.  And I'm not going to lie, I was a little upset.  He told me this morning that he hoped that I didn't feel like he didn't want to see me, that he was just trying to make me feel like I didn't have to rush, but it did kind of feel like that.  Is it ok for me to talk to him about that? Maybe tell him that, I kind of want him to make the plans even if I may not be able to do them?  

You both have a good thing going but communication can improve. When you make a change in plans, suggest an alternative. I get the feeling you want him to take more initiative but he’s not a mind reader. The dynamic so far is that you’ve set the pace and he has adapted around your schedule. 

Be more open about your schedule and tell him exactly what you wrote here, how much he means to you and that you enjoy spending time with him. He is the one who has to hear it that you want this and want to go to dinners etc. 

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Take his word that he's okay with the situation. But if it were me, I'd look into ways you can spend more time with him. Do you have a number of leave days you can use at work? Maybe see if you can denote one of those days to use per month or every other month. If that's possible, you can then tell him to pick a day he wants you to take off and and you can make that happen.

Look into trading babysitting hours/carpooling, etc. with other parents. I'm assuming you have no family in the area since you didn't mention that.

Every other week you work six days in a row without a day off. Consider if you can negotiate a better work schedule or if possible, apply for a job that is more amenable to your family and dating life. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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Let’s cut to the chase here….you want more attention from him because attention is how you gauge his interest, am I right? That interaction you had before made you feel desired, secure and it felt good but now it’s nonexistent. Your answer is this….just tell him you miss it and would feel better he messaged you more often.        

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Sometimes we need to take a step back and resist trying to manage things and allow them the opportunity to step up.

You shared how it happened once, that he didn't initiate.  But you quickly moved back into the space you created for him to meet you half way.  I think your anxiety is getting in the way a bit here.  At the same time it's understandable. 

He could very well be passive about making plans.  Ultimately will this be ok with you?   I'd share with him your availability for the week and have him to let you know when he'd like to see you.

As far as kids and dating.  I was where you are at a one point.  It went both ways.  We go into it thinking it's fine.  It's new and fun and we convince ourselves it will work.  And then at some point one or the other realizes it really doesn't meet our needs.  I totally understand your concern.  That's why it's probably best to test it now, rather than later when you become more attached.  Ultimately the kids come first.  So, if it didn't work, it was for a good reason.

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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15 hours ago, JandJMom said:

I'm afraid that I'm not giving him the time that he deserves.    

That's an interesting word to use, two months in.  How much of your time does he "deserve"?

I would caution you against re-arrange your schedule out of desperation/fear of losing some guy.  Because it sounds like that's where this is headed.

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16 hours ago, JandJMom said:

...mentioned that I had to take my daughter to her friends house and then pick her up, and instead of him saying "Well, ok, we can meet up for a quick dinner or something just so we can see eachother" he was just like "ok, well, that's fine.  I guess I'll see you sometime next week". 

I get it. Consider that by laying out your schedule without stating what, exactly, YOU hoped to play out, you asked him to make a super-psychic leap of intuiting What You Want.

He tried, but he only had a 50/50 shot. He guessed conservatively, that you were claiming to be too busy. Brrrt!!

Well? You set him up. Instead of seeking hurt from that, consider that he's trying not to be greedy and turn YOU off. Instead, you'll need to step up and follow through on expressing your wishes. (Not a horrible thing, Mom!)

As for wanting HIM to set up plans, that's understandable, but it's also fantasy stuff of the unencumbered school girl. You've found someone great who accepts a Mom with a busy schedule yet you also want him to try to punch holes in the air JUST for you to feel wanted. (This isn't 'wrong,' it's just premature until he knows you better.)

Adopt your Mom mantle, be proud, be the organizer--and enjoy the fact that you have a great man who's willing to fit in where YOU WANT him to.

Whether that ends up to be enough for him is a separate discussion--first help him navigate YOUR schedule effectively, and meanwhile, you can raise, "I really like you, and I hope you can be patient while I learn how to consolidate obligations so we can have more time. I hope you'll you hang in here with me while I find my way in this?"

Head high, and enjOy the rarity of finding someone you really like. Fingers crossed for you and I hope you'll write more to let us know how things are working out.

 

 

Edited by catfeeder
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That's unrealistic and frankly a bit disrespectful. He's already accommodating you and being very gracious. Expecting him to jump at scraps where you have to cram him in between running kids around, or that he will lead all the date setting when you will be prioritizing him way on the bottom of a long list is not ok, no. 

 

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19 hours ago, JandJMom said:

I kind of want him to make the plans even if I may not be able to do them?  

This makes no sense.  You want him to ask you to do things you know you might not be able to do?

I used to be a bit like that when I was very young (like, 23).  I told my husband I was tired of always choosing the restaurants where we ate and that I wanted him to choose sometimes.  But ever restaurant he suggested I'd respond with "No, I don't really feel like going there".  So of course he got frustrated and said "I don't care where we eat!  Why don't you just choose?  This is silly!"  And of course immature Me got all bent out of shape.  When he was actually right...I wanted him to assert himself even though I'm going to say no to his suggestions?  Totally silly, he was right about that.

Don't ask for the impossible.  This man has made it clear he wants to see you and that he's willing to be flexible around your schedule.  Don't make him jump through hoops as some kind of "test".

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Guy here that dated a lot of moms and I had a son as well.

You have to find a way to make it work without all of this drama you are building into it.

Here is a secret.  Guys are simple creatures that do not need a lot.  If he says he is good with the way things are going then take him at his word.  I am sure he would much rather see you in person when you actually have time for him instead of a drive by. Now if once in a while you texted him "I have a couple of hours and I really want you right now" he is going to tell you to get your butt over there asap 😁

 I agree if you could stabilize your schedule a little more it would help not only the relationship but your life in general. Once he knows what days are good and what days are no good he can work his life around it.  Compromise is a good thing as long as one person isn't always the one doing the compromising. 

  Relax and enjoy what you have and allow it to find its own level with some help.

How old are you both?

 Lost

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Seeing each other 1 - 2 nights per week is better than nothing.  It's your 'normal' because you're a very busy mother of two kids plus employed full time.  It is indeed a juggling act and your schedule is packed.  James is very busy with his typical work week M-F and off on weekends.  Not having a full day together is a compromise and if both of you are satisfied with this agreement, then accept the relationship the way it is.  Remain practical and realistic.  You have to divide yourself however way possible. 

You can't give him the time and attention that he deserves because both of you are doing what schedules will permit.  Even though he knows what he signed up for and admires you for being an involved mother,  he will eventually become exasperated, bitter and resentful due to lack of attention from you and lack of time with you.  Hopefully, it's not the case and he will have the patience of a saint. 

I wouldn't pressure him into initiating what to do on dates considering he's already accommodating YOUR unique schedule.  Since he's making a lot of sacrifices for you, the least you can do is initiate suggestions for date nights, activities, where to go, etc.  If you start to complain, whine and create unnecessary drama, he will leave you. 

It's understandable that he didn't want to feel rushed when you had to take your daughter to her friend's house and pick her up.  He doesn't want to be squeezed into your already harried pace. 

He's the one who should feel upset yet he graciously bowed out.  Be grateful for his emotional intelligence (empathy) and tact because not very many people possess these qualities and characteristic traits. 

I don't think it's wise to discuss his explanation of wanting to see you but not wanting to feel rushed.  He was quite clear and there's nothing to discuss.  As for making plans, your complaint could backfire so if I were you, I'd accept his politeness the way it is and not create issues when there aren't any.

If you wish for him to initiate plans, then there's a better way to do this.  Instead of complaining, ask him for suggestions when you don't have any ideas.  Don't make this an issue.  Be spontaneous when you ask him for suggestions so he won't feel that he needs to change for you. 

 

 

 

 

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