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Should I trust him?


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I am in a new relationship of only a few months and I don't trust him. I don't know if it's my anxiety from past experiences or actually him. My last relationship ended as I was cheated on by my ex and his best friend sister so it was quite close to home. The new relationship hasn't done anything like that, however, he is still good friends with an ex which I don't mind as he said there's nothing between them. Since the past weekend my opinion on that has changed because I went to a wedding and was away for a few days and I knew he was going to see a new house while I was away. It was only when I came back that he told me that he had taken his ex karen along with him. 1, I find odd as that's not something I would do with an ex and 2, why did he tell me when I came back and not before? I'm going on a girls trip for 6 days to Portugal and I can't now help but think he will see her again while I'm away, and if not her it could be someone else and I don't want to be with someone I don't trust but I don't know if this is just me overthinking it or if this is something I should genuinely be worried about. When I questioned it, he said he only took her as the property has equestrian facilities and wanted her advice as she owns something similar. I know I need to speak to him about it properly which I am going to, but if I could please have opinions on the situation and how you handle it that would be great thank you. 

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13 minutes ago, Tizer1233 said:

I am in a new relationship of only a few months and I don't trust him.  when I came back that he told me that he had taken his ex karen along with him.

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? Are you exclusive? How old is he?

Unfortunately he is still dating his "ex" and that as well as claiming they are best friends are red flags. If the minute you're away he's running to her, it may be time to end it so you can enjoy your freedom on your vacation.

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26 minutes ago, Tizer1233 said:

he had taken his ex karen along with him

Ha, his ex is named Karen lol

Yeah, not really appropriate. He could have just taken a pic or a video and asked her if he needed opinion. 

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44 minutes ago, Tizer1233 said:

why did he tell me when I came back and not before?

because he didn't want to ask your permission. He knew this was messed up yet did it anyway.  Easier to claim you are being unreasonable if he tells you after. 

Always remember people know what they do.  

And if he doesn't think this is so bad, then maybe it's not but it does demonstrate a difference between you.

I wouldn't get more seriously involved with this guy. I'd probably dump him. Why put yourself through this.  You may have some trust issues to deal with.  That's true. but you also are dating a guy that's not putting you first. if you let this slide now, be prepared to be treated like this more and more often. 

sucks but we teach people how to treat us. 

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Why are you fine with him being friends with an ex?? Most people would not be, especially those who were just cheated on. 

I would tell him that you just aren’t comfortable dating a guy with that close of a friendship with an ex, it’s just not what you want. It’s okay to be honest with yourself and him about that. Wouldn’t you rather not have to deal with it at all?

You are not wrong, he acted inappropriately.

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I would never date anyone who continued to communicate with an ex unless they shared parenting duties.

There are more singles in your age group in your area, I'm sure. Keep on cutting bait when you see red flags so you'll be free when someone deserving of you comes along.

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Being friendly with an ex is one thing. 

Including them in activities like this, especially when you were away, is another. It wouldn't sit right with me, particularly since he didn't share this until after the fact. It seems sneaky. 

Sorry, OP. I would re-evaluate this guy. It sounds like his ex is too close for comfort. 

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Some guys are thick headed....he just wanted a woman's opinion on the place. Maybe he doesn't trust his own judgment on such things as this. He didn't think it through obviously, and all you have to do is let him know that you feel it wasn't appropriate for him to do that...that's it, simple as that. 

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If I have doubts about anyone's discretion and lack of sound judgment, I never trust them because they'll only cause you endless trouble which doesn't make for a smooth, normal relationship (or in other cases, friendship). 

I don't give free passes nor excuses regarding being clueless because any time a person doesn't treat you the way you would want to be treated with utmost consideration, they're demonstrating their indifference, arrogance AND disrespect for you.  They don't care how you'll feel so they go ahead and do as they please anyway which is extremely alarming. 

Anytime there's doubt and distrust, all relationships will eventually succumb to failure.  It's only a matter of time.  Your patience and tolerance or lack thereof will determine when to dissolve and exit the relationship permanently.  Until then, you will always revert to pondering the seed of distrust issues planted within the deep recesses of your brain. 

Edited by Cherylyn
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On 8/3/2022 at 12:29 PM, Tizer1233 said:

I am in a new relationship of only a few months and I don't trust him. I don't know if it's my anxiety from past experiences or actually him. My last relationship ended as I was cheated on by my ex and his best friend sister so it was quite close to home. The new relationship hasn't done anything like that, however, he is still good friends with an ex which I don't mind as he said there's nothing between them. Since the past weekend my opinion on that has changed because I went to a wedding and was away for a few days and I knew he was going to see a new house while I was away. It was only when I came back that he told me that he had taken his ex karen along with him. 1, I find odd as that's not something I would do with an ex and 2, why did he tell me when I came back and not before? I'm going on a girls trip for 6 days to Portugal and I can't now help but think he will see her again while I'm away, and if not her it could be someone else and I don't want to be with someone I don't trust but I don't know if this is just me overthinking it or if this is something I should genuinely be worried about. When I questioned it, he said he only took her as the property has equestrian facilities and wanted her advice as she owns something similar. I know I need to speak to him about it properly which I am going to, but if I could please have opinions on the situation and how you handle it that would be great thank you. 

There's a good chance there was nothing else behind it but it doesn't sound like his boundaries match your boundaries required in a relationship where it comes to exes or the circumstances surrounding why he's still in contact with her and how she's still involved in his life.

Choosing a new house is usually something someone would involve their current partner. So why involve someone else from the past, regardless if he's still cordial with her or if they're amicable? Anyone in their right mind would realize this has a high likelihood of causing issues in a relationship. Does he want her involvement and opinion that much or does he really not care at all what you think or the potential for there to be questions? 

That lack of awareness or knowing that it would make a current partner uncomfortable, not enough openness, general cluelessness just doesn't sound appealing even if he's done nothing wrong or hasn't cheated on you or there isn't anything terrible going on. I don't think this is something to be worried about but it does sound like something I'd personally be hugely unattracted to in a partner. It's your call. Pick someone who is compatible with you and whose choices you don't have to question.

 

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On 8/3/2022 at 3:29 PM, Tizer1233 said:

...only a few months and I don't trust him.

This isn't something to which you can assign a 'should'.

When your gut tells you that you don't trust someone, Pay Attention.

Decide whether you're bringing a fearful bias into the relationship, or whether this person has legitimately behaved in ways that are untrustworthy.

Speaking only for myself, I will not get involved with anyone who is still involved with an ex, in any way, shape or form, beyond shared children.

You're learning WHY.

This doesn't make fans of exes into villains, it just means that I know mySELF well enough to know that I don't want that complication in my life--and I don't need to settle for a 'wrong' relationship.

If you find yourself contorting to stay involved with someone, consider rethinking that.

Head high.

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