trying to save my Relationship, help :(

[nemanja23]

Hi there, 

And namely I need a psychological counseling around my relationship, more precisely.... because of my girlfriend. 

We have been together for about 4 months and from the first moment it was wonderful and immediately moved in together.... We met each other's parents, she told everyone how she has never been so happy, I am the one and how she would never let me go. 

The problem was that before me she had a difficult time, was treated badly by men, difficult childhood, from her environment she saw, as from her father also from others like how they cheated their wifes. 
She blames herself for a lot of things that went wrong as a child and has been telling herself for years that she is not a person worthy of love, that she does not deserve love from others, etc. 

During the time with me, even when she was so very happy, she was always skeptical, always asked how can I be such a person, to cuddle her constantly, so kind and lovly to her ? why am I so to her ? why do I love her so much ? 
The more time went by, then came moments where she was convinced that I did not love her but simply endure (when I did something that she did not like ). 
She wanted to know everything about my ex-girlfriends and was jealous in the end (without reason). 
And every time she had doubted my love, brought always my ex in the game, as I could actually have something better, as it was wrong from her side with me immediately came together and should have dumpedt me so that I should run after her. 
The more I loved her and the more beautiful it was with us, the stronger doubts came. 

Shortly before everything collapsed we had another discussion (never a fight) again about how she thinks I don't love her (she drank a bit hehe) I told her that she is so important to me that I would even marry her right away, that I don't want to have any other... 

Our last week was the most beautiful we had, especially the last evening (we were on vacation). She had to travel back earlier because of work while I had to stay a little longer because I used to live there and was still registered, had to take care of some documents.

On the complete return trip ( hers ) until she arrived, we wrote constantly, she sent me pictures constantly of us and how she already miss me now, that I should come back as soon as possible.... 

The next day, completely a different person !!!! She had only bad thoughts about me, told herself many things... looking for reasons that I don't love her but only used her... and that she doesn't believe me anymore. 

Couple of days later, we clarified everything but she still doubted whether we should be together and was of the opinion that we should go separate ways.... 
She misses me every day, the cuddling, the everyday and all the little things that go with it.... And she wants it all somehow but she is afraid. 
She thinks that I am very fixated on her because I don't know any other women in town except her (but I don't want any other, only her).
That she is very broken and that if we had children they would be suicidal. 
That I should have no hope that we will ever find together again, but she would love to see me because I am still important to her. 

Well, I don't know exactly what to think... she is a very big overthinker and always goes strongly into the negative especially about herself. 
Is she pulling herself down?
Plays there ne very big fear and the nicer it was with both of us the bigger the fear became ? because of her bad experience and men picture from the environment. 
She always said that someday I will cheat on her 100%, because all men are like that. 
Or has she really finished and feels nothing more for me, from one day to the next. 

I want to fight for her and show her that I love her more than anything and I don't care how difficult she is sometimes, that doesn't bother me because I love her the way she is. 

How do you see it ?  

thank you in advance for the answer and best regards 
 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, nemanja23 said:

 We have been together for about 4 months and  immediately moved in together....   (she drank a bit hehe). if we had children they would be suicidal. 

 Way too much way too soon. How old is she? Do either of you have untreated mental health or drinking problems?

What do you mean by "you need psychological counseling"? 

What do you mean by "if we had kids they would be suicidal"?

Unfortunately you rushed into a mess.

[1a1a]

Until she can find love for herself, trying to grow a partnership with her will be like making a rope out of sand (that is to say, utterly futile. If she doesn’t love herself she’s going to lose respect for people who love her. Like what is wrong with you that you can’t see all the things she sees wrong with herself?! )

 

I’m really sorry, the heart doesn’t love any less, even when the person we love is not in a good mental place to form and sustain a romantic connection.

[nemanja23]

she is 25 and i am 29. 

noone of us has a Drinking problems but i think she has a mental, she even know it. 

"if we had kids they would be suicidal'' thats something taht she said, she belives that she has mental problems and dat it would couse if we weould have kids to be suicided bec of her DNK 

 

1a1a: 

I am totally with u and i know that, but i still want to be there for her but dont know how. 

i see and already knew what her problem is and she talked openly about evrything, but know she is blocking herself. 

I want to show her taht i am there for her no matter what, that i love her and that i got her back... 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

You need to break up. You're incompatible and she has too many mental health problems.

What is "DNK"? Could you use appropriate translation software? Your post is illegible.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What is "DNK"? Could you use appropriate translation software? Your post is illegible

I agree. OP, please use full words because your message is getting lost in incomprehensible text-speak. 

Anyway, from what I could understand - this relationship is a disaster. You both rushed into it way too fast, and it's inevitably crashed and burned. She can't offer you the relationship you would like. 

It's time to move on. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

What is "DNK"?

DNA. By username I would say he is Eastern European. We say "DNK" for "DNA". He thinks mental ilness is in her genes so it would pass on kids. Which, to be fair, could be a case.

Anyway, OP, when somebody says to you that he or she is crazy, you should believe them. She got used to dysfunctional life. You offering her something functional, only confuses her and makes her think something is wrong and wanting to go back to dysfunctionality. Its not you who needs psychologist, she does. You need to get away from somebody like that before you get caught in her dysfunctionality. Sorry, but break up is the best solution you can have there.

[Rose Mosse]

She’s incredibly unstable, OP. Have you reread what you wrote about her? Love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. She has far too many issues, jealousy issues, insecure, references to being suicidal, fantasies about her future children with you being suicidal and so on. 

My guess is you’re attracted to her dysfunction and enable it whenever possible. It’s extreme high highs, extreme low lows with full on toxic fantasies and delusions. She’s interesting and different for you and because she needs that much help. 

I suggest you steer clear and find therapy or counselling to change your thoughts or the way you view yourself. This will keep happening if you are following a pattern of pursuing certain women.

[smackie9]

You are being an over thinker as well. It's pretty simple....the elephant in the room is her mental illness. This is not yours to fix. 4 months of dating you see this is falling apart. Your answer is to breakup. That's it...no more thinking about it. 

[boltnrun]

7 hours ago, nemanja23 said:

We have been together for about 4 months and from the first moment it was wonderful and immediately moved in together

If you two live together why would she need to do this?

7 hours ago, nemanja23 said:

She had to travel back earlier because of work while I had to stay a little longer because I used to live there and was still registered, had to take care of some documents.

 

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, nemanja23 said:

Couple of days later, we clarified everything but she still doubted whether we should be together and was of the opinion that we should go separate ways.... 
She misses me every day, the cuddling, the everyday and all the little things that go with it.... And she wants it all somehow but she is afraid. 

Sadly, she is quite unstable 😕 .. and in time this will start affecting you - is like a push & pull?  No stability here.

As mentioned, it was way too much, too soon.  You need to see in time IF you're truly compatible.

Her mind is messing with yours.  No, you should not have to beg her to come back. Or anything like this... the longer it continues ( only because you let it), the more damage will be done.

A year from now you will NOT be how you were before you met her....

She needs some professional help - and for a good while.. and most likely some meds to 'help her'.  To be more stable & functionable.

I know you care for her, but you can't  'fix her'.  This is for her to do... If & when she is ready to accept she needs it.. and no one like this should be in a relationship 😕 .

 

[Andrina]

Successful relationships require two mentally healthy people. 

She's in your past, so that's her own issue whether or not she wants to get psychological help to rid herself of emotional baggage and whatever else is ailing her.

You need only concentrate on yourself and doing whatever you can to do the work on yourself and your self worth. Otherwise, you wouldn't want back the toxic life you led with her.

You need to date wisely. Learn to spot red flags and move on when you see them. People who possess them  won't be fixed by your tender heart. And NEVER make major decisions like moving in together before the one year mark. You have a lot to learn about a person which cannot usually be found in the beginning.

Take care.

 

[reinventmyself]

What comes to mind is - happy well adjusted people arent attracted to unstable insecure people. 

In other words -water seeks its level.  We are as healthy as the company we keep. You rushed into something unstable and despite all the evidence otherwise you are determined to keep this right side up.  It appears you came here wanting to know how to fix your girlfriend.

Instead of focusing so much on her, what does this say about you or your participation in this? 

[Cherylyn]

She sounds very unstable and continues to drag you down.

You have a lot of problems trying to maintain this relationship and any time you have to work so hard to keep the relationship afloat, it is not working. 

She needs to figure out how to feel secure with herself before she can have a relationship with you or with anyone. 

Either remain with her as is or move on without her in your life so you can have a mentally healthy relationship with someone who is more stable and normal. 

[catfeeder]

Is this the first time you've dealt with an emotionally or mentally ill person?

If so, you've learned that they cannot be 'healed' by your best intentions, and if not, you'l need to learn and accept this fact.

I can understand why you'd want to 'fix' this GF and get her back into her fantasy role of a good GF, but that can't happen.

As much as GF desires to behave as a reasonable person, she cannot, and your life will become more of the same hell that you've already experienced--in fact, worse, as GF starts taking you for granted and slips into her abuse more constantly.

I'm sorry, and my heart goes out to you. Best to walk away and find someone who can be relationship material with you,