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Attached to ex-abuser but miss her more than anything | Trauma Bonding


johncannot
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Me and my ex-fiance were together for 6 years. In the beginning she was very physically abusive. I come from an abusive family, so my mind just doesn't care about the physical abuse because I've dealt with it my whole life. I know I should of left when it started, but I wanted to help her get better. Eventually I told her if she doen't stop I would leave her, she stopped the physical abuse then. I thought she changed to be better for me. But instead she started to mentally abuse me I just didn't see it because I didn't think you could do that, I thought the problem was always me. I gave up all my friends, withdrew from family, and only spent every waking moment with her. I knew this was unhealthy but she kept controlling me, eventually I gave up on my self because I didn't want to cause problems.

I'm pretty sure this is tramua bonding. I used to make excuses as to why she was never at fault, even if she did it I took the blame and apologized. She purposely made me codependent so I wouldn't leave her. She made herself the only person i talk to my problems about but never really helped me. I always gave excuses as to why she treated me bad, and made her think it wasn't her fault.

From the start she was abusive, but i looked past it all because I loved her and thought I could help.

How can I get passed someone who was abusive because I am addicted to her, no matter what she did.

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You said in your other thread you're in therapy and receiving treatment for drug addiction. Please be completely honest with your therapist. They can't help you if you hide things from them or try to minimize what your ex did.

You also said you two had been together since you were 14. Was she abusive even when she was a young teen?

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5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You said in your other thread you're in therapy and receiving treatment for drug addiction. Please be completely honest with your therapist. They can't help you if you hide things from them or try to minimize what your ex did.

You also said you two had been together since you were 14. Was she abusive even when she was a young teen?

yeah that's when she was physically abusive. it lasted a year before the physical stopped.

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12 hours ago, johncannot said:

How can I get passed someone who was abusive because I am addicted to her, no matter what she did.

Dedication to your own substance recovery + t.i.m.e.

There is no instant detox from a person. Grief and healing are a process.

You don't need to view someone through a lens that sees them as a villain to recognize that they are best loved from far away.

Hang in there, work your own program, and while it's okay to recognize that you miss her, it works against your goal to tell yourself that you are addicted to her. Repetition of that narrative will keep it so--and that's not how to get past her.

Head high, you can do this.

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