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Trying to revive a past interest after 8 months apart. She just met someone else recently. Am I out of luck?


Mick17
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Thanks for all the replies. I'm going to give her a call after her work and set up a proper date for later in the week. I still wish I never talked to our mutual friend about her dating life. The cat's out the bag on that one, but I know she's probably just playing the field with dating apps. It's hard to tell if she wants something serious with me or any other person. 

Is it appropriate to ask her if she's been seeing anyone during our next meeting? I already know the answer but I think I'll feel better to hear it from her directly. 

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2 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

Is it appropriate to ask her if she's been seeing anyone during our next meeting? I already know the answer but I think I'll feel better to hear it from her directly. 

If someone asked me that on the first proper date that would be our last proper date.

You've already stumbled a bit with the mutual friend questioning session. Don't double down by asking her questions you don't have the right to ask. You're not in a committed relationship with her.

Presume if she accepts a date with you and accepts future dates, it means she's interested in dating you. Don't let your insecurities or ego get in your own way.

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52 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If someone asked me that on the first proper date that would be our last proper date.

You've already stumbled a bit with the mutual friend questioning session. Don't double down by asking her questions you don't have the right to ask. You're not in a committed relationship with her.

Presume if she accepts a date with you and accepts future dates, it means she's interested in dating you. Don't let your insecurities or ego get in your own way.

You're right, if this was a first date with a stranger that question would be out of line. But we've known each other for three years now. There's some history. I agree however that her interest is implied if she accepts a date. 

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On 8/1/2022 at 5:04 AM, Mick17 said:

However, she acknowledged that after my trip I will go home and be away for many months before my assignment to AK, and that she didn't want to pursue a long distance relationship and we should remain single for the time being. I thought this was a reasonable thought, although I was disappointed to halt our new found attraction for each other. She reassured me that she was not interested in pursuing other people and even deleted her dating apps.

She was being honest.  She does not want a long distance relationship.  She knows very well, what being involved with you will end up as 😕 .

You admit you've been doing some dating.. as has she.

I say keep shut about any idea of getting truly involved.

You keep a respectful distance and let her live her life, no pressures.  Keep her as a friend, only 🙂 .

 

Edited by SooSad33
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3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

She was being honest.  She does not want a long distance relationship.  She knows very well, what being involved with you will end up as 😕 .

You admit you've been doing some dating.. as has she.

I say keep shut about any idea of getting truly involved.

You keep a respectful distance and let her live her life, no pressures.  Keep her as a friend, only 🙂 .

 

We're actually in the same location now for the next couple years. The irony is that she finds someone new just the same week that I arrive. I know we weren't ever in a relationship, but it sort of contradicts what we said in our last serious conversation, about us staying single and waiting until I arrive to start anything. 

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As a woman, I know how I would've acted and the plans I would've made if I was totally into a guy with this situation. What she's doing is showing she's just not that into you.

She knew you a full 2 years, and then you two divulged a crush to each other. If that had happened to me, and I was crazy about the guy, I would have chosen not to date for the 8 months apart, kept myself busy with hobbies and friends, and would've counted down the days until he arrived. 

And she must know her work schedule ahead of time. If she was excited about one-on-one time with you, she would've given you the date she is available for dinner. Or, at least said, "I receive my work schedule on this day, so I'll let you know as soon as I receive it."

She knows you are buddies with the mutual friend and could care less that you would find out she's dating others. Even if that was your agreement, she should have been more excited about your arrival than putting effort into finding a new dude to date.

I wouldn't even bother with this lady. I'd hold out for a woman who will be crazy about you.

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25 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

We're actually in the same location now for the next couple years. The irony is that she finds someone new just the same week that I arrive. I know we weren't ever in a relationship, but it sort of contradicts what we said in our last serious conversation, about us staying single and waiting until I arrive to start anything. 

You keep making it sound as though you've awakened from a coma to find that she's married.

She's had a few dates with a stranger. This doesn't 'have to' mean anything, so stop projecting wedding bells onto it.

Date her as respectfully as if you're just meeting her--don't overshoot on familiarity by making assumptions.

Allow your chemistry to pick up organically, over time, and you'll learn where you stand with her in the same way you'd learn it by getting to know a brand new person who is also multi-dating.

EnjOy!

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20 hours ago, catfeeder said:

You keep making it sound as though you've awakened from a coma to find that she's married.

She's had a few dates with a stranger. This doesn't 'have to' mean anything, so stop projecting wedding bells onto it.

Date her as respectfully as if you're just meeting her--don't overshoot on familiarity by making assumptions.

Allow your chemistry to pick up organically, over time, and you'll learn where you stand with her in the same way you'd learn it by getting to know a brand new person who is also multi-dating.

EnjOy!

You're absolutely right. Can't let it phase me, especially if I'm also dipping my toe in the dating pool too. 

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20 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Did you ask her out on a real date? If so, did she say yes? And where are you taking her? 

Yes, I asked her if I could take her to a new art exhibit and then to dinner afterwards on one of her free days. Unfortunately she got back to me saying she will be busy for the rest of the week with an online course in the evenings and has the night shift all weekend. She is also leaving for a planned 2-week vacation starting Monday. I did, however, get invited to her place today for a game night. Something we used to do often in our last location. This is a group setting of course. 

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1 minute ago, Mick17 said:

Yes, I asked her if I could take her to a new art exhibit and then to dinner afterwards on one of her free days. Unfortunately she got back to me saying she will be busy for the rest of the week with an online course in the evenings and has the night shift all weekend. She is also leaving for a planned 2-week vacation starting Monday. I did, however, get invited to her place today for a game night. Something we used to do often in our last location. This is a group setting of course. 

So not a date. 

Hm, I would think she would have at least suggested a quick date for happy hour or dinner.

I personally would date others and not wait for her. She doesn't seem to have the same interest level you have.

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7 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

I did, however, get invited to her place today for a game night. Something we used to do often in our last location. This is a group setting of course. 

It's a step in the right direction, but proceed with caution when you get the "busy" signal.

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7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So not a date. 

Hm, I would think she would have at least suggested a quick date for happy hour or dinner.

I personally would date others and not wait for her. She doesn't seem to have the same interest level you have.

I agree, and yes I'm a little disappointed she didn't suggest that. Work and school are busy, but not so much that one can't spare an hour for catching up. If things feel relaxed at her place later and if I can get a moment alone with her, I may ask her again. Gotta suppress my urge to talk about feelings though.

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Posted (edited)
10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's a step in the right direction, but proceed with caution when you get the "busy" signal.

I'm definitely not feeling very high on the priority list. 

Edited by Mick17
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She doesnt have time for you but she has time to organize a game night? Yeah, I call BS too. 

People who want to see you, would find a time to do so. Even if its for an hour for coffee. People who dont, will serve you BS excuses like that.

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You already had a group meet up when you arrived. If she was into you, she'd be excited for one-on-one time. You've asked her twice to get together and now you're thinking of doing it yet again? In the beginning, I believe in lobbing a ball of effort once and if it's not immediately returned, give a brief time for the person to come through, but if they don't, don't lob another ball over the net. You will get your answer of interest or non-interest far sooner if you're not the only one putting in effort, and you won't be  cornering a person with relentless, unwanted invites.

In her case, it sounds like she's being cowardly about not coming out and telling you she doesn't want to date you. She's hoping you will fade away without drama. That's my take on it, with my own experiences and observing others experiences.

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Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, Andrina said:

In her case, it sounds like she's being cowardly about not coming out and telling you she doesn't want to date you. She's hoping you will fade away without drama. That's my take on it, with my own experiences and observing others experiences.

I agree, that’s what it feels like to me. Which is unusual because she has always been forthright and honest in our past interactions. For her to ignore the obviously strong feelings that we had shared at one point is really frustrating. Granted, she doesn’t owe me anything with respect to a conversation, but a firm “let’s just stay friends” would be more than adequate for me.

Edited by Mick17
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Posted (edited)
On 8/2/2022 at 12:04 PM, Andrina said:

As a woman, I know how I would've acted and the plans I would've made if I was totally into a guy with this situation. What she's doing is showing she's just not that into you.

She knew you a full 2 years, and then you two divulged a crush to each other. If that had happened to me, and I was crazy about the guy, I would have chosen not to date for the 8 months apart, kept myself busy with hobbies and friends, and would've counted down the days until he arrived. 

And she must know her work schedule ahead of time. If she was excited about one-on-one time with you, she would've given you the date she is available for dinner. Or, at least said, "I receive my work schedule on this day, so I'll let you know as soon as I receive it."

She knows you are buddies with the mutual friend and could care less that you would find out she's dating others. Even if that was your agreement, she should have been more excited about your arrival than putting effort into finding a new dude to date.

I wouldn't even bother with this lady. I'd hold out for a woman who will be crazy about you.

I must have missed this comment, I’m just reading it now.

Yes she knows her schedule for months in advance, she told me as much. And as far as I know, she did keep herself preoccupied with hobbies and friends for the past 8 months. 

The part about her dating only came up with that mutual friend. I haven’t heard it from her directly, and I don’t know many details. I thought about asking her when we had a few minutes alone before the game night yesterday. Ultimately I did not, and kept the conversation focused on catching up. I wanted to avoid spoiling the mood before friends came over. Do you think I missed an opportunity there to finally know something?

Edited by Mick17
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I think you already have all the info you need. She didn't say "yes" to your date request. The reason isn't really relevant, bottom line is she said no and didn't counter with a date suggestion for the future.

I would presume this isn't gonna happen and date other women.

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Her actions plus non-action are screaming their message loud and clear so I don't know what you need to speak to her about. Your extreme crush on her is clouding your brain.

And yes it's frustrating when a person can't tell you straight up what the deal is. I can say that I've always been a straight up person, and I do think of another's feelings to have that hard talk. But I don't like to keep anyone dangling on a line. To me, it speaks poorly of a person who is too cowardly to just be honest. You really don't know her like you think you did.

When a woman is into you, she will make it crystal clear. Hold out for her. You will be 100 percent happier and not left in a dust of confusion.

Please listen to Garth Brooks song Unanswered Prayers. It reminds me, somewhat, of your situation. Take care and I hope you end up liking your new duty station. 

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