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Trying to revive a past interest after 8 months apart. She just met someone else recently. Am I out of luck?


Mick17
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This is unrelated to my last thread posted in May.

Last year I became close to a fellow military friend who worked at the same location with me overseas. We were good friends for two years since I met her and hung out frequently, but it was always platonic. Before she moved to a new state (we'll say Alaska) in September I expressed my feelings for her and she acknowledged them, hinting that she felt the same. We stayed in touch and the attraction grew over distance, especially when I told her I was also getting assigned to her location in mid-2022. A few months later in I had a work trip to AK and we immediately hit it off and expressed our mutual attraction for each other.

Things were great for that week, it was a budding relationship. However, she acknowledged that after my trip I will go home and be away for many months before my assignment to AK, and that she didn't want to pursue a long distance relationship and we should remain single for the time being. I thought this was a reasonable thought, although I was disappointed to halt our new found attraction for each other. She reassured me that she was not interested in pursuing other people and even deleted her dating apps. For the following months I stay minimally in contact due to being so far away and staying busy with work.

Fast forward to the present in mid-2022. I finally arrived at the new duty location and I meet up with her for dinner. I keep things casual and don't mention the past attraction we had for each other. I was curious if she has been dating other guys, but I didn't ask during that first meeting. I've also been seeing other girls while I was away. So I ask a mutual friend also in the area and he said that she did meet someone through a dating app just one week prior. I was pretty shaken to hear that, but not entirely surprised since it had been a long time since we last met and we are both single.

The mutual friend assured me that this new guy was very recent, just matched last week, and that my female friend had gone on only a few dates together with this guy, mostly in groups. Still, it seems like she is willing to use the apps to date others again, and that our past history is just that-- history.  

Is the window for interest still open? How do I open up the conversation that I still have feelings for her? Is it even appropriate to try and pursue this woman at this point? 

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19 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

  I finally arrived at the new duty location and I meet up with her for dinner. and he said that she did meet someone through a dating app just one week prior. 

Sorry this is happening. It seems like she wants to enjoy her freedom with or without you there.

Step away from this. Get on some quality dating apps yourself and start talking to and meeting new women. Don't hold your breath for this one.

Why does this mutual friend know so much about her love life? 

Edited by Wiseman2
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I think you should ask her out on a proper date and see what she says and avoid asking mutual friends/gossip. When I reconnected with my now husband (after 7 years not 8 months though - and for a platonic catch up dinner -he was visiting his hometown which was mine as well) I had recently started dating someone too.  We didn't speak of it for the next almost month because we met up 3 times platonically.  Meanwhile I kept dating the other guy but could see in a couple of weeks that we weren't a match. 

So when my husband asked me to get back together, I stopped dating the other guy (although I would have stopped anyway). I had no conversations with anyone about his dating life -he told me he'd recently ended a one year relationship and told me why. We've been back together for about 17 years and married for 13.

If she says no you'll have your answer.  I wouldn't discuss feelings -ask her out on a proper date you plan in advance. She'll then know  you are interested in dating her.

Edited by Batya33
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4 hours ago, Mick17 said:

Is it even appropriate to try and pursue this woman at this point? 

Its always appropriate if she is not married or taken. What you would get is entirely different thing...

For example she seems casual. Claims to deleted dating apps but still uses them and dating casually off from them. Even though she told you she isnt pursuing anybody. Even with you she seems to exhibits the same behavior. Has a casual fling, lets you go and keeps minimal contact etc. In other words I wouldnt worry too much about the guy, its probably a passing thing. But would worry if you could get something more from a person like that. 

But, if you like the girl, you should at least try. You can get your answer from her. As she will probably tell you if she is interested in pursuing something more meaningful with you or that if she has somebody else.

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5 hours ago, Mick17 said:

Is the window for interest still open? How do I open up the conversation that I still have feelings for her? Is it even appropriate to try and pursue this woman at this point? 

Only she knows but you obviously are interested enough to post this.  Why wouldn't you bring up dating her when you went to dinner?? Serious question. 

Continue this little game and it's welcome to the friend zone... Why wouldnt she for guy that is more open and clear with his intentions?

Edited by Lambert
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Don't be so afraid of striking out that you never even take a swing.

Also, stop gossiping about her to "mutual friends". I guarantee that mutual friend told her every detail of your conversation even if they swore to keep it between the two of you. That always ends up biting you in the behind. If you want to know if she's available to date you, ask HER. 

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7 hours ago, Mick17 said:

This is unrelated to my last thread posted in May.

Last year I became close to a fellow military friend who worked at the same location with me overseas. We were good friends for two years since I met her and hung out frequently, but it was always platonic. Before she moved to a new state (we'll say Alaska) in September I expressed my feelings for her and she acknowledged them, hinting that she felt the same. We stayed in touch and the attraction grew over distance, especially when I told her I was also getting assigned to her location in mid-2022. A few months later in I had a work trip to AK and we immediately hit it off and expressed our mutual attraction for each other.

Things were great for that week, it was a budding relationship. However, she acknowledged that after my trip I will go home and be away for many months before my assignment to AK, and that she didn't want to pursue a long distance relationship and we should remain single for the time being. I thought this was a reasonable thought, although I was disappointed to halt our new found attraction for each other. She reassured me that she was not interested in pursuing other people and even deleted her dating apps. For the following months I stay minimally in contact due to being so far away and staying busy with work.

Fast forward to the present in mid-2022. I finally arrived at the new duty location and I meet up with her for dinner. I keep things casual and don't mention the past attraction we had for each other. I was curious if she has been dating other guys, but I didn't ask during that first meeting. I've also been seeing other girls while I was away. So I ask a mutual friend also in the area and he said that she did meet someone through a dating app just one week prior. I was pretty shaken to hear that, but not entirely surprised since it had been a long time since we last met and we are both single.

The mutual friend assured me that this new guy was very recent, just matched last week, and that my female friend had gone on only a few dates together with this guy, mostly in groups. Still, it seems like she is willing to use the apps to date others again, and that our past history is just that-- history.  

Is the window for interest still open? How do I open up the conversation that I still have feelings for her? Is it even appropriate to try and pursue this woman at this point? 

Are you looking for a relationship out of this and LDR? It’s not going to work. She told you she’s not into that earlier.

If you are looking for a temporary fling and can distance yourself from it well enough when you leave your current posting, then that’s fine. 

Otherwise you’re repeating history here. Nothing has changed. You don’t live where she is and you’ll leave again so why does it matter that you’re being so delicate and fearful that she doesn’t feel the same way? It’s back to the default answer likely yes, there’s some interest and no, it won’t last due to distance.

.

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8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It seems like she wants to enjoy her freedom with or without you there.

Step away from this. Get on some quality dating apps yourself and start talking to and meeting new women. Don't hold your breath for this one.

Why does this mutual friend know so much about her love life? 

He doesn't know too much, but he accompanied her on two of her dates last week at her invitation. I guess as a lifeline in case the date went south. 

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3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Its always appropriate if she is not married or taken. What you would get is entirely different thing...

For example she seems casual. Claims to deleted dating apps but still uses them and dating casually off from them. Even though she told you she isnt pursuing anybody. Even with you she seems to exhibits the same behavior. Has a casual fling, lets you go and keeps minimal contact etc. In other words I wouldnt worry too much about the guy, its probably a passing thing. But would worry if you could get something more from a person like that. 

But, if you like the girl, you should at least try. You can get your answer from her. As she will probably tell you if she is interested in pursuing something more meaningful with you or that if she has somebody else.

She's actually quite serious and doesn't really date around casually. As far as I know she didn't use the dating app again until recently. I don't blame her since it's been such a long time. 

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3 hours ago, Lambert said:

Only she knows but you obviously are interested enough to post this.  Why wouldn't you bring up dating her when you went to dinner?? Serious question. 

The dinner was with that mutual friend from our old workplace. I didn't think it was a good time to bring up dating at the time. 

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Don't be so afraid of striking out that you never even take a swing.

Also, stop gossiping about her to "mutual friends". I guarantee that mutual friend told her every detail of your conversation even if they swore to keep it between the two of you. That always ends up biting you in the behind. If you want to know if she's available to date you, ask HER. 

I hope that doesn't happen of course. I trust the guy but yes, anything can happen. 

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Are you looking for a relationship out of this and LDR? It’s not going to work. She told you she’s not into that earlier.

If you are looking for a temporary fling and can distance yourself from it well enough when you leave your current posting, then that’s fine. 

Otherwise you’re repeating history here. Nothing has changed. You don’t live where she is and you’ll leave again so why does it matter that you’re being so delicate and fearful that she doesn’t feel the same way? It’s back to the default answer likely yes, there’s some interest and no, it won’t last due to distance.

.

I might have written it confusingly, but I am in the same location as her now, for the next few years at least. We were apart for the last 8 months or so while I still finished my tour of duty in the previous overseas location (where we met). Ironically, she begins opening up the dating apps the same time that I arrive. 

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1 minute ago, Mick17 said:

I hope that doesn't happen of course. I trust the guy but yes, anything can happen. 

I'd bet my next paycheck.

It's just not a good look. I personally would be put off if I found out my so called friends were discussing my personal business.

Again, if you want to know if she wants to date you ask her for a date. Not "want to grab some food?" but an actual date. Like "I heard New Restaurant is really good. I'd like to take you to dinner there. Are you available Thursday evening?"

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3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Again, if you want to know if she wants to date you ask her for a date. Not "want to grab some food?" but an actual date. Like "I heard New Restaurant is really good. I'd like to take you to dinner there. Are you available Thursday evening?"

Yesterday I did ask her via message if she would like to get dinner the next day. She replied with maybe later in the week since she's working the next couple of evenings. Nothing concrete yet. Should I just call her up and make those plans even though it might seem redundant? I want to set up something sooner rather than later, who knows what plans she might have with new guy. 

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12 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

I might have written it confusingly, but I am in the same location as her now, for the next few years at least. We were apart for the last 8 months or so while I still finished my tour of duty in the previous overseas location (where we met). Ironically, she begins opening up the dating apps the same time that I arrive. 

 

1 minute ago, Mick17 said:

Yesterday I did ask her via message if she would like to get dinner the next day. She replied with maybe later in the week since she's working the next couple of evenings. Nothing concrete yet. Should I just call her up and make those plans even though it might seem redundant? I want to set up something sooner rather than later, who knows what plans she might have with new guy. 

You’ll only know if she’s interested if you continue going on dates and discuss with her where you both see this going. Is she aware that you’re here for the next few years?

It’s possible she may not want anything serious with anyone so I wouldn’t worry about this other man. It was hearsay and gossip so I glossed over that info as it’s irrelevant. What matters is gauging her interest. Stay away from flaky women or if she proves hot/cold. 

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29 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

The dinner was with that mutual friend from our old workplace. I didn't think it was a good time to bring up dating at the time. 

oh! I must have missed that part.

Well, no time like the present to give a call and ask for a proper date. 

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12 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

Yesterday I did ask her via message if she would like to get dinner the next day. She replied with maybe later in the week since she's working the next couple of evenings. Nothing concrete yet. Should I just call her up and make those plans even though it might seem redundant? I want to set up something sooner rather than later, who knows what plans she might have with new guy. 

I'd give it one more chance - and getting dinner could be seen as a casual get together.  Make it more date like. I would say ball is in her court -people who want to see you will reply with "I'm under a work deadline but may I let you know by Friday what's going on - hopefully I'll be done by then!" But give it one more chance since you were so casual.

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2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd give it one more chance - and getting dinner could be seen as a casual get together.  Make it more date like. I would say ball is in her court -people who want to see you will reply with "I'm under a work deadline but may I let you know by Friday what's going on - hopefully I'll be done by then!" But give it one more chance since you were so casual.

I agree. I'm not clear whether you've been alone with her yet, I picked up somewhere above that you've met with others around?

In that case, I'd just message back, you'd like to treat her to a nice place without other company, so the two of you can catch up.

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22 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

Yesterday I did ask her via message if she would like to get dinner the next day. She replied with maybe later in the week since she's working the next couple of evenings. Nothing concrete yet. Should I just call her up and make those plans even though it might seem redundant? I want to set up something sooner rather than later, who knows what plans she might have with new guy. 

"Do you want to get dinner?" is not "I'd like to take you out to dinner". I GET dinner with my friends. There's a difference. Subtle, but the message is clear.

I would ask again, making it very clear you are asking her for a date. And have a definite plan, not some vague "wanna get dinner?" Specific plans at a specific place.

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

You’ll only know if she’s interested if you continue going on dates and discuss with her where you both see this going. Is she aware that you’re here for the next few years?

Yes she's known for a while now that I will be stationed in the same state as her for at least two years. After my last visit to the area, we sort of hit the reset button and agreed to do our own thing until I return. There was no guarantee of a continued relationship. 

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I'd give it one more chance - and getting dinner could be seen as a casual get together.  Make it more date like. I would say ball is in her court -people who want to see you will reply with "I'm under a work deadline but may I let you know by Friday what's going on - hopefully I'll be done by then!" But give it one more chance since you were so casual.

You're right, she's been vague lately and it's disappointing. I'm thinking of asking her to dinner after going to a museum, she likes visiting exhibits. 

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1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

I agree. I'm not clear whether you've been alone with her yet, I picked up somewhere above that you've met with others around?

In that case, I'd just message back, you'd like to treat her to a nice place without other company, so the two of you can catch up.

Yes, we met twice. Once at her house while a work colleague was visiting. The second time for dinner with a mutual friend. Haven't gotten her alone yet.

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35 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

Yes she's known for a while now that I will be stationed in the same state as her for at least two years. After my last visit to the area, we sort of hit the reset button and agreed to do our own thing until I return. There was no guarantee of a continued relationship. 

 

13 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

You're right, she's been vague lately and it's disappointing. I'm thinking of asking her to dinner after going to a museum, she likes visiting exhibits. 

That sounds good. Do this. See if she reciprocates interest. 

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40 minutes ago, Mick17 said:

 I'm thinking of asking her to dinner after going to a museum, she likes visiting exhibits. 

Yes, do this. It's a good way to reconnect and sound out the situation. At least you'll have your answer as to whether she is still available.

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