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How do you break up with a close friend who likes you?


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I have been friends with a girl for three years. We met at an all-girls school in 7th grade, I just finished 9th (I know I'm young and shouldn't have the cause nor maturity to really be needing relationship advice). I consider her one of my close friends. This last year she has been making sexual innuendos at me (jokingly) and out of the blue asking if she could kiss me, then rubbing it off. Sometimes she'll tell me she thinks I'm beautiful or pretty. She would send me TikToks about lesbian couples, saying how cute she thinks they are. Other times she would tell me about crushes she had and tell me to never fall in love with her. I could kind of tell maybe she liked me. The thing is, I'm not into girls. At least I wasn't. Then, the tension between us started to build up and one day I asked her if she liked me. She said yes. She asked me if I liked her back and I don't know why, but I said yes too. I think it was because I didn't want to lose her or didn't want her to lose me. She has a lot of mental health issues and I'm the only one she said she can really openly talk to about them. She says if she were to ever lose me she would try to kill herself again. That's a lot of pressure, but I still feel guilt and responsibility. So what happened after the confession; she said she wanted to try kissing me. I let her, and it felt weird. Not right. It was a nice kiss, I just couldn't bring myself to romantically like the person behind it. Afterwards, she said she loved me. The big "I LOVE YOU" statement. I didn't really know how to handle it. So we hung out for a bit more and I left. Now she keeps calling me her girlfriend and I really, really don't know what to do. Our school is tiny, our friend circle is full of drama queens. I really want to clear things up and say I don't like her romantically. I know that will hurt her, and I have to do it. Is there a best way to do it? Is there a place to do it? I need help. I even thought about transferring schools. I don't know what to do or how to go about this. It's a tricky situation. It's really all awful.

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1 hour ago, Joan_CC said:

She says if she were to ever lose me she would try to kill herself again.

Please, talk to your parents or a trusted adult about this.

You don't need to transfer schools. That's too much. But you do need to kindly and firmly put boundaries in place and tell her you that while you value her friendship, you don't want a romantic  relationship with her.

She needs the sort of help you cannot offer, so please ask an adult for guidance. They will be in a better position to alert this girl's parents or other appropriate authority about her suicide threats. 

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1 hour ago, Joan_CC said:

.She would send me TikToks about lesbian couples. She says if she were to ever lose me she would try to kill herself again. 

Tell a trusted adult about this. She seems predatory and very troubled.

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Consider searching to learn whether the 988 number has been implemented in your location for mental health emergencies, where first responders will be mental health professionals rather than police.

I agree with the good folks above that I'd probably confide at least some of this, if not with my parents, then with a school counselor. I'd make an 'immediate need' appointment to put the counselor on alert that I'm going to have this conversation with someone who is unstable. Then I'd run what I want to say by the counselor.

You can also search the term 'communication sandwich'. In short, it's a tactic that curbs defensive responses by sandwiching your toughest comments between two layers of complimentary comments.

For instance, "You are really important to me, and I want to confide in you that I'm not ready to be in a sexual relationship. Can you value me enough to be my friend anyway?"

The point of this is to pull her off of the sexual 'girlfriend' train, even if that means not dropping her cold at that moment.

If she responds badly to this, follow the advice you're given by the counselor. If she responds well, take the outcome back to your counselor and work out a strategy to phase out the friendship. Good news is, at your age, that often happens on its own once you take salacious stuff away from a high-drama person, and you bore them into moving on.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

 

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Besides the good advice you've received, her threat of suicide if you do or don't do XYZ is emotionally abusive manipulation. Don't ever do what a person says due to this reason. Tell them you'll be calling 911 or whatever the emergency number is in that area if they are serious about that. Calling their bluff will wake them up to the fact that you're no person who has a ring through their nose and can be pulled this way and that at their bidding.

Just tell her the truth, that you said what you did in the moment and now regret it, because you can never feel more than friendship with her. The place should be in an area where nobody else will hear, but close enough to others so that you could get help if needed.

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