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Secret lover of 8 years died


Sadwife
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I was with my lover when he died. He died of cancer.  I am devastated but because nobody knew about us I have to grieve alone. I am devastated.  I didn’t have the courage to leave my abusive husband so that we could live together.  Now at 58, I really want to leave my husband but there is no happy future to look forward to. I have one friend but she is very self centred and one son who lives far away that I rarely see.  It has been 6 weeks since he died and I am so very lonely.   I am a quiet reserved person and I don’t make friends easily.  The only time I was happy was when I was with this other man.  He told me I was the love of his life when he was dying and I felt the same way.   I waited too long. The loneliness is killing me. Maybe on the wrong website but thought maybe someone could help?

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Please try to get some counseling.  I'm sorry you're going through this but it's very unhealthy for anyone to have their entire life depending upon a single other person.  It's not too late to learn how to have a fulfilling life.   And to learn how to stand up for yourself and get out of an abusive relationship.

For now, why don't you reach out to your son and see about participating in some groups, like a book club if you like to read, etc.  

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My heart goes out to you, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm not sure what help I can be beyond suggesting to reach out to your local women's shelter, or your local hospital for a case worker, or one of the domestic violence hotlines on the Internet for a referral to some local recourses that are not commonly known to the public.

I can appreciate that you believe you can never be happy again, but if you can at least get yourself safely away from your abusive spouse, you'll gain a perspective toward healing your life that you cannot fathom right now.

Keep your lover in your heart, and operate in ways that would make him proud for you. Trust your highest intelligence to lead you, and you will thank yourself later.

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Real, publicly-acknowledged relationship or not, the heart doesn't know the difference at this point. 

Very sorry to hear this.  I agree with Catfeeder above, keep this man in your heart and operate in ways that would make him proud of you.  Excellent advice and it was very well said.

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I understand and feel your pain as it happened to me.  I had to grieve alone too.  My lover had leukemia and after not hearing from him I saw his obituary online.  I was shocked to see he had exchanged wedding vows with another woman.  Photos were online with his obituary.  He told me he was going through a divorce!  It was long distance so I'm not surprised he kept this hidden.

His family did not know about me either.  I found his daughters Facebook profile after his death. There were tons of Christmas photos of this other woman and her kids.  OMG.  No wonder he was always so vague about his Christmas plans.

Eight years is a very long time.   You must have loved him.  Hopefully he treated you well and you can look back and appreciate the time he gave you.  No wonder you feel so alone.  It's hard when we are older.  Ageism is rampant.  I now stick to people my own age.

After the grief has subsided  join some groups, perhaps within the senior age bracket.  I'm not a group person but I forced myself to start talking with strangers with light small talk to get more comfortable meeting others.

I'm pretty much a loner.  So that I don't die alone, I literally dragged my butt out of the house to get out there & socialize.  It's still hard but I try and read more so that I can converse intelligently and have something interesting to day.

I truly hope things get better for you soon!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I'm really sorry, OP. 

I would do as someone else suggested and look into counselling. You are dealing not only with bereavement but also an abusive marriage and long-standing infidelity. That is a lot to untangle on one's own, and having a unbiased and non-judgmental professional to sound off with may help you tremendously. 

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People like yourself can find independence and strength through grief. Maybe this is what you need to push yourself forward to better your life now that you have lost so much. Seek out counselling, grieve, then find the courage to leave your husband and start fresh. You will be surprised how that will empower you to be more out going because it will force you to be so. Let this be your sea change.

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6 hours ago, Sadwife said:

. I didn’t have the courage to leave my abusive husband so that we could live together.  Now at 58, I really want to leave my husband .

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

This tsunami of grief is not only your lover dying but years of using an affair as a bandaid for a very unhappy  trapped life.

Consult an attorney for your options in divorce. Do not tell your abusive husband anything. Just get to a doctor, therapist and attorney. It's not too late to finally do the right thing.

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7 hours ago, Sadwife said:

I was with my lover when he died. He died of cancer.  I am devastated but because nobody knew about us I have to grieve alone. I am devastated.  I didn’t have the courage to leave my abusive husband so that we could live together.  Now at 58, I really want to leave my husband but there is no happy future to look forward to. I have one friend but she is very self centred and one son who lives far away that I rarely see.  It has been 6 weeks since he died and I am so very lonely.   I am a quiet reserved person and I don’t make friends easily.  The only time I was happy was when I was with this other man.  He told me I was the love of his life when he was dying and I felt the same way.   I waited too long. The loneliness is killing me. Maybe on the wrong website but thought maybe someone could help?

Speak to a lawyer and leave your abusive relationship. Find grief counselling to help navigate the grief. I’m sorry for your loss. You don’t have to do it alone so don’t be afraid to ask for help. 

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On 7/31/2022 at 5:07 AM, Superstickyone said:

I understand and feel your pain as it happened to me.  I had to grieve alone too.  My lover had leukemia and after not hearing from him I saw his obituary online.  I was shocked to see he had exchanged wedding vows with another woman.  Photos were online with his obituary.  He told me he was going through a divorce!  It was long distance so I'm not surprised he kept this hidden.

His family did not know about me either.  I found his daughters Facebook profile after his death. There were tons of Christmas photos of this other woman and her kids.  OMG.  No wonder he was always so vague about his Christmas plans.

Eight years is a very long time.   You must have loved him.  Hopefully he treated you well and you can look back and appreciate the time he gave you.  No wonder you feel so alone.  It's hard when we are older.  Ageism is rampant.  I now stick to people my own age.

After the grief has subsided  join some groups, perhaps within the senior age bracket.  I'm not a group person but I forced myself to start talking with strangers with light small talk to get more comfortable meeting others.

I'm pretty much a loner.  So that I don't die alone, I literally dragged my butt out of the house to get out there & socialize.  It's still hard but I try and read more so that I can converse intelligently and have something interesting to day.

I truly hope things get better for you soon!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m so sorry your lover died and I think you are very brave.  It must have been such a shock for you.  You are also brave in getting out there. Thank you for sharing your story.

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On 7/31/2022 at 2:35 AM, catfeeder said:

My heart goes out to you, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm not sure what help I can be beyond suggesting to reach out to your local women's shelter, or your local hospital for a case worker, or one of the domestic violence hotlines on the Internet for a referral to some local recourses that are not commonly known to the public.

I can appreciate that you believe you can never be happy again, but if you can at least get yourself safely away from your abusive spouse, you'll gain a perspective toward healing your life that you cannot fathom right now.

Keep your lover in your heart, and operate in ways that would make him proud for you. Trust your highest intelligence to lead you, and you will thank yourself later.

Thank you. Your reply was heartfelt and I shall keep him in my heart and do him proud.

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On 7/31/2022 at 8:51 AM, Wiseman2 said:

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

This tsunami of grief is not only your lover dying but years of using an affair as a bandaid for a very unhappy  trapped life.

Consult an attorney for your options in divorce. Do not tell your abusive husband anything. Just get to a doctor, therapist and attorney. It's not too late to finally do the right thing.

Thank you. The band aid was very insightful and true.

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Why after the partner you were cheating on your husband with has passed away you now want to leave him?

 It sounds like you had a soft place to land for 8 years so why now that he is gone?

Abusive or not if you want out of the marriage there is nothing stopping you except fear. Educate yourself on divorce in your county/state so you at least have an idea of your rights then go get a consultation. 

  I am sure there is a grief support group near you that would help immensely, reach out to them.

Lost

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Your username sounded familiar.

According to your last thread in 2017 you used to work in a lawyers office. Perhaps some of your old coworkers wouldn't mind giving you some advice on divorce or at least point you in the right direction.

 

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