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Love interest turned friends, but I still feel it.


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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

So. I'm 8 months separated from my wife. We're both amicable, and we would be divorced already except, I told her we can wait on that until she can get on her own health insurance.  That relationship is over, but we're still friends. I'm okay with that, it took me a while to get there, but I am. 

 

Anyhow, I wasn't really looking to date yet, but one day, I met this girl I clicked with right away... It was kind of adorable because, well... I met her at my friends bar, I happened to be really intoxicated at the time, and felt like I made a fool of myself.  She had given me her number and asked me to text her in the morning.  I woke up in the morning, wanted to text her, but I was embarrassed. I thought I made a complete ass of myself to her, all day I thought about it.  At 10pm she texted me and said, "you were supposed to text me, I hope you're not embarrassed from last night, you really made me feel good about myself". To which I promptly replied.  "Nailed it!". 

Anyway.  We talked for a few days over text, met up one day, and things happened.  I had been up front with her about the situation with my ex from the get go. Anyhow, things start turning toward a relationship, and then she backed off.  Said she wasn't comfortable with my situation, plus she's not ready for anything serious because she's also somewhat recently out of an abusive relationship.  I told her I respect that, but I hope we can still talk, because I really enjoy talking to her.  She says not a good idea, so that we don't continue to become attached at this point. I said I understand, and respected her wishes.  Four days later she texts me and wants to be friends. Again, stresses the not ready for anything seriously.  I told her absolutely, that'd mean a lot to me. 

We talk, all day every day since then. She's become one of my closest friends to me.  She would come over sometimes and spend the night, we'd cuddle in my bed, but nothing beyond that. 

I've fallen head over heels for this girl, but I don't want to ruin the friendship we have. She knows how I feel to an extent. Again, because I don't want to push her away.  

Anyhow.  I let her move in to my guest room recently. And we're fine, everything is great.  But I guess my question here is. Where do I go from here?

I really want something more with this girl, but again. I'm faced with this dilemma of if I try to pursue that, I risk pushing her away.  

I know the best relationships come from friendship.  But, where is the line in the sand.  Where do you decide, is it worth potentially losing a friend because you want something more.  If it's mutual, then great!  If it's not, maybe she'll run from me. Which is the absolute last thing I want.  She's someone I completely adore, I care about her deeply, and she's one of very few people I feel comfortable opening up to. 

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So, both of you are newly out of relationships, that usually is a red flag just because neither of you have had time to completely be done and settled. You're not even divorced yet, which may not seem like a big deal to you, but it's definitely not an ideal situation.

AS for her, she has an abusive ex somewhere out there and if it's a new break up, no doubt he is pretty close. Hopefully he won't show up again.

But I honestly am not understanding why you would allow this person to move into the guest bedroom??

You're not actually dating, not actually a couple, so why?

Does she not have her own place? Is she needing somewhere to live?

It just seems really out of place right now.

Are you sure she's not using you?

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57 minutes ago, BMB789 said:

I know the best relationships come from friendship.  But, where is the line in the sand.  Where do you decide, is it worth potentially losing a friend because you want something more.

I think in this case, the entire friendship is less than 8 months old. And it originated from a romantic interest. She was never truly a platonic friend, but a romantic interest that you cuddle with when given the opportunity.

So, I think you should focus on the line in the sand. It's not so much a matter of ruining a friendship as it is muddling boundaries and making things confusing and painful for yourself. If I were you, I'd ask her to move out. And I'd stop cuddling with her. 

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1 hour ago, BMB789 said:

I'm 8 months separated from my wife. That relationship is over, but we're still friends. Said she wasn't comfortable with my situation, plus she's not ready for anything. I let her move in to my guest room recently.

Too much too soon. What do you mean by "let her move into your guestroom"? Where did she live before? Unfortunately this is almost a three-ring circus between you being married and friends with your estranged wife her being in an abusive relationship and after meeting in a bar she's living with you, but not as a GF?

Ask your attorney about the insurance, that usually gets settled in the divorce. That's no excuse to stay married. Also having some "abused" woman you just met camp out in your house is sheer folly.

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So l, as far as moving in, she asked only a few days ago, because I have 4 extra bedrooms.  She works in my area, but was living with a friend an hour away.  So she asked more out of convenience.  I accepted, for one because I enjoy spending time with her. Plus, I figured that'd be easier on her, she works long hours and is kind of all over town throughout the day.  So saving 2h/day is a win. 

I had offered her dinner anytime she wants anyway because I absolutely cannot cook for one. lol 

On the abusive ex topic, he is far away, a non issue. 

As far as the cuddling thing, I mean yeah. That happened a couple times. The first night she stayed here, she stayed in the guest room, then a couple nights with me, finishing up the last season of stranger things. 

Aso, my ex and I are now divorced at this point.

I don't really know what I was looking for here. Because I know I love the friendship I have with this person, and if something comes of it, that'd be amazing. But otherwise I'm fine.

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Also I'll point out, I've known her now for 5 months. She is 9 months out of that relationship.  My divorce was finalized 2 months ago. 

She was previously out of state, and moved back, and was staying with her father when she got back. But, again. An hour away from the area in which she works. 

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11 minutes ago, BMB789 said:

I've known her now for 5 months. My divorce was finalized 2 months ago. 

 An hour away from the area in which she works. 

Ok so she's sort of camping out sometimes in the guestroom sometimes in your room, but  lives with friends? Your story keeps changing.

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So, to be clear here. 

When she stayed the night with me, in my room, that was before she asked if she could move in, that happened twice.

She moved back from out of state 9 months ago, to live with her father, but in his line of work, he is hardly home. So, not really living with, but she would stay with her (girl) friend near her dad's house most nights. 

 

 I tried my best to describe everything without getting into the nitty gritty. lol

 

But yeah. I honestly don't really know what I'm looking for here. I'm not hurting, or in pain.  We've been friends for a while now.  It's only been a few days since she moved in.  But yeah, even before that, I mean we spent pretty much all of our free time together. To the extent that we'd go grocery shopping together.  Which is funny, because I normally hate it when anyone goes to the grocery store with me. 

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12 minutes ago, BMB789 said:

So, to be clear here. 

When she stayed the night with me, in my room, that was before she asked if she could move in, that happened twice.

She moved back from out of state 9 months ago, to live with her father, but in his line of work, he is hardly home. So, not really living with, but she would stay with her (girl) friend near her dad's house most nights. 

 

 I tried my best to describe everything without getting into the nitty gritty. lol

 

But yeah. I honestly don't really know what I'm looking for here. I'm not hurting, or in pain.  We've been friends for a while now.  It's only been a few days since she moved in.  But yeah, even before that, I mean we spent pretty much all of our free time together. To the extent that we'd go grocery shopping together.  Which is funny, because I normally hate it when anyone goes to the grocery store with me. 

But no touching, no kissing...so it does sound like you're friends only.

Is she paying rent? 

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1 minute ago, BMB789 said:

Yes she is. 

Have you discussed this situation with her? Because it sounds like it could become complicated (as in heartache for you), if you have not discussed with her exactly where this is going, when (if ever), you will be able to kiss her/touch her/date her.

If I were you, I'd be pretty clear on all of those points, especially if she's living there.

Otherwise you just have a tenant who likes to hang out with you. 

What would you do if she brought a man back to her room? After all, she is paying rent so she would be in her right to.

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You are not a friend, you are "friend-zoned". Difference is that friends dont have romantic feelings toward each other. You do. And you are in friendzone because she put you there. In case she could use you. For a stuff like her housing situation.

She doesnt want to be in a relationship with you. She is just using you for housing. While you are hoping that her being there would help your chances. With an ulterior motive like that you shouldnt even took her to your home. Again, you are not friends, you want something more. Which you wont get. She knows you are "lovely-dubley" about her. But is keeping you at distance because she has benefits there.

In a situation like that you should have said "no" to friendship. Especially said "no" to her living with you. Like this, again, you are just deluding yourself there as she wont ever be with you. And worst of all, even using you and your feelings to her benefits.

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Yeah, we've talked about it. She knows how I feel, and yes it is mutual. But like I mentioned, she doesn't feel she's ready right now, trying to get herself back in her feet. And I respect that.  And my position is really that, I honestly had no interest in trying to date anyone at all at the time I met her.  I was just, drawn to her and I let my guard down. Neither one of us really know if that'll come to fruition. But who knows.

And yeah we talked about the whole, bringing someone home thing. We both decided we wouldn't, her or myself, while she is living here, out of respect for one anothers feelings.  

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5 minutes ago, BMB789 said:

Yeah, we've talked about it. She knows how I feel, and yes it is mutual. But like I mentioned, she doesn't feel she's ready right now, trying to get herself back in her feet. And I respect that.  And my position is really that, I honestly had no interest in trying to date anyone at all at the time I met her.  I was just, drawn to her and I let my guard down. Neither one of us really know if that'll come to fruition. But who knows.

And yeah we talked about the whole, bringing someone home thing. We both decided we wouldn't, her or myself, while she is living here, out of respect for one anothers feelings.  

My advice is: Accept that she has basically friend zoned you and is your tenant, not your future girlfriend, not your partner.

When it becomes where money is exchanged, then it's pretty clear that she needs a place to live, and not a boyfriend.

It really is a very strong sign that she is not feeling the same as you, otherwise she would be sharing a bedroom with you and couldn't help herself in wanting to be close to you.

This is your tenant. Someone who wants a soft cushion to fall back on since she is out of a broken relationship, like a place to heal, still get attention, but not someone who she would consider for long term, or an actual relationship.

If it sounds complicated and messy, it is.

It's not a love story, but rather a situation out of convenience.

 

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1 minute ago, BMB789 said:

And yeah we talked about the whole, bringing someone home thing. We both decided we wouldn't, her or myself, while she is living here, out of respect for one anothers feelings.  

So you've trapped yourself in a sort of limbo. There is no timeline of when she'll be ready to date you, if she ever will. In this arrangement, dating anyone else will be off the table, unless the only women you are willing to date will be subpar, as no decent woman with healthy self-esteem will date a man in your situation. And you shouldn't be lying to any unsuspecting woman about why she can never enter your home.

You're being a white knight, trying to save a woman you have a crush on from a commute, and it's self-sabotaging. That was a huge mistake. 

What you should do is tell her you made a mistake and ask her to move out. I know you won't do that, so I'll say in the very least, set a personal timeline that if she doesn't want to date you by November, you can ask her to move out by then. The fact, though, that you'd be living together at this point with a romance--it's too soon to live together, and makes the relationship a higher risk for failure. It's not the normal pace of dating.

Learn from these mistakes, and mistakes are common when trying to enter the dating world again after a divorce. I know I made plenty. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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2 hours ago, BMB789 said:

Yeah, we've talked about it. She knows how I feel, and yes it is mutual. But like I mentioned, she doesn't feel she's ready right now, trying to get herself back in her feet. And I respect that.  And my position is really that, I honestly had no interest in trying to date anyone at all at the time I met her.  I was just, drawn to her and I let my guard down. Neither one of us really know if that'll come to fruition. But who knows.

And yeah we talked about the whole, bringing someone home thing. We both decided we wouldn't, her or myself, while she is living here, out of respect for one anothers feelings.  

Yet either one of you are free to date or have sex outside of the house. This seems very reminiscent of post separation/divorce situations where spouses agree not to bring anyone over out of respect until a divorce finalizes and one moves or both move.

No one can predict what will happen or if she will ever be ready to be in a relationship with you but the situation is preventing you from moving on and dating other women. You said you didn’t want that but it feels self-perpetuated. Maybe this is the limbo you need to recover from your divorce. 

Regarding having her as a tenant, it means you’ll have to maintain your distance and be respectful of one another when you do eventually both grow out of this phase. If you find you’re not compatible with one another it’s inevitable one or both of you will move on. 

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I'll try not to villainize anyone and suspect ulterior motives.   But as you are now learning, you two clearly didn't think this through.

She's not ready to date and not ready to date you.  You have a nice friendship that will surely be tested by living under the same roof.  If a romantic relationship is what you wanted, this will likely backfire.  But there is always that remote chance it could turn into something.  I personally think you lessoned the chances by agreeing to this arrangement.

Noone has a crystal ball on how this will play out, but surely asking her to move out now would sour the friendship.  Do you need a roommate and could you wrap your head around appreciating it just as it is? After all you did commit to this. 

How will you feel when she doesn't come home one night? What happens the next time you meet a woman that you want to date?
 

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3 hours ago, BMB789 said:

My divorce was finalized 2 months ago. 

This seems like a good idea because you're on the rebound, but trying to turn needy women who need a place to live into GFs is a bad choice and you know this. You are filling a void and she has problems.

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4 hours ago, BMB789 said:

 My divorce was finalized 2 months ago. 

But you were still married when you started this thread, and you outlined the reason why you are still married.

This sounds like a mess.  Married guy living with a female who's neither his wife nor girlfriend but is interested in a relationship with her.  I agree with the poster who asked how any quality woman will now want to date you.  It sounds like you shot yourself in the foot.

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9 hours ago, BMB789 said:

we would be divorced already except, I told her we can wait on that until she can get on her own health insurance. 

But here you say:

7 hours ago, BMB789 said:

My divorce was finalized 2 months ago. 

Which is it? 

Anyway, I have to agree with the others. Moving this woman into your house is a recipe for disaster. You'll find out why when she starts pulling away from you and spending less time at home because she's met someone else. 

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10 hours ago, BMB789 said:

We talked for a few days over text, met up one day, and things happened.  I had been up front with her about the situation with my ex from the get go. Anyhow, things start turning toward a relationship, and then she backed off.  Said she wasn't comfortable with my situation, plus she's not ready for anything serious because she's also somewhat recently out of an abusive relationship.  I told her I respect that, but I hope we can still talk, because I really enjoy talking to her.  She says not a good idea, so that we don't continue to become attached at this point. I said I understand, and respected her wishes. 

IMO, this is where things actually should have stopped.

- Why you ended up letting her move in I have no idea 😕 

- Why you would have her over to stay the night/ cuddle etc, I have no idea.

 You already know how YOU feel about her. You are BOTH out of recent relationships?  Another issue.

I do not feel this will end up well for you two. ( Plus the fact that it seems to be moving a little too fast- you being only 8 mos out of your own ltr).

Because you've got some feelings for this gal and she pulled away admitting she couldn't do it, should have been enough and for you two to just agree as friends ( If you could handle that).  But, I feel neither of you have the ability to form a proper, healthy relationship of anything more.  And you having feelings as more than a basic friendship does cause an issue for you.

I'm thinking she shouldn't remain there and go back where she came from.  Why did she have to move into your place anyways? 

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4 hours ago, waffle said:

But you were still married when you started this thread, and you outlined the reason why you are still married.

It's a 2 hour divorce. 😂 Anyway, yes it's a mess. You are just filling a void with damaged women  but not settled enough to choose well.

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if you both want a very good chance with this relationship, meet up after divorce and when you both are in good space happy single, if it has to happen it will....but not like this when you both are in mess and just trying to heal from past relationships.

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16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's a 2 hour divorce. 😂 Anyway, yes it's a mess. You are just filling a void with damaged women because you're filling a void, but not settled enough to choose well.

WM2 makes a great point. You are not healed, not able to be alone, grabbing on to another unhealed person... which many recently single people do, but you moved them into your house. 

How do you see this playing out? 

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