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Getting back girlfriend of 4 years [Update] - Father passed away


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Hello again everyone,

First of all, I want to thank everyone that replied in my previous post. Truly appreciate everyone's contribution.

Just to reiterate for some context, I got dumped by my ex girlfriend back in March because I neglected her needs and took her for granted. And after reading the replies from my previous post, I decided it was best for me to tend to myself for a while and move on. 

However on June 1, my father passed away, and having to cope with both being dumped and losing a parent is insanely overwhelming. And ever since my dad died, my ex is in constant touch with me and we even ended up having sex. And now I don't even know what to do anymore. Although I really appreciate her efforts for comforting me and being here for me during my time of need, I already decided that I want to move on. And now that she's back in my life in some capacity, it's making me more confused because I still very much love her. 

I told her that she doesn't have to feel obligated to be here for me and comfort me now that we're not together, and I even asked her if she's only doing it out of guilt or pity. She told me that that is absolutely not the case, and that she's here for me because she genuinely cares. 

I find it rather difficult to disentangle the loss of my dad and the break up because they happened rather simultaneously (kind of). Having to grieve my dad's death put a hold on me grieving the relationship with my ex. Now I'm not even sure whats going to make me happy anymore. I low key still want to get back together with her, but at the same time, I don't want to keep her hostage and use my dad's death as a means to get her back.

In addition, I cant help but feel some slight resentment towards my ex for breaking up with me when my dad was sick (didn't mention this in previous post because it's something I only realized recently).

Experiencing a loss after a loss is so overwhelming. I'm at the lowest I've ever been and so incredibly depressed. I'm still seeking professional help from my therapist, but it feels as if it's just not enough. I tried to build habits and try new hobbies, but the depression is too much that nothing seems worth doing anymore.

Please help guys. What should I do?

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22 minutes ago, G237 said:

Although I really appreciate her efforts for comforting me and being here for me during my time of need, I already decided that I want to move on. And now that she's back in my life in some capacity, it's making me more confused because I still very much love her. 

I told her that she doesn't have to feel obligated to be here for me and comfort me now that we're not together, and I even asked her if she's only doing it out of guilt or pity. She told me that that is absolutely not the case, and that she's here for me because she genuinely cares. 

 

Okay, so she 'cares'.... but yeah, she dumped you just a few months ago. ( to me it almost sounds like being taken advantage of during a really vulnerable time) 😕 .

I am very sorry for you loss 😞 .  Yes, loss is very hard to deal with.. so be easy on yourself.  Don't expect a lot of yourself for a while.. as you process it all.

It's all good to go through the many emotions you will feel ( grief- denial, anger, sadness, confusion, etc) . And I think it is good that you're in therapy.. I did find it helpful.

As for your ex, I feel you need to be straight with her.  That's you two are broken up & you expect and want no more from her.  She should respect this and leave you be.

Your post says 'getting back girlfriend...'.  Is this what you honestly want? I don't agree with this.. You are so not in the right mind to be able to handle this with her and your loss , etc.

I feel it's best you continue on your own, without anymore confusion or emotional challenges for a good while.  Focus on yourself and your own issue's.

I found journaling helped.. getting lost in music, nature and just going through the emotions- feel it and work through it. Also TC of yourself.. get your rest etc.

So be honest with her & yourself and just be clear about it all.  

Again, sorry for your loss... One day at a time.

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I suppose it depends on what her intentions are.  Is she just there for the interim or does she want to reconcile and continue?

A direct conversation would help you find some direction. I understand it's a difficult time and I am sorry about the loss of your father.  I suppose you might want to avoid a challenging conversation right now, but the alternative limbo situation isn't helping, if you think about.

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1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

 

Okay, so she 'cares'.... but yeah, she dumped you just a few months ago. ( to me it almost sounds like being taken advantage of during a really vulnerable time) 😕 .

I am very sorry for you loss 😞 .  Yes, loss is very hard to deal with.. so be easy on yourself.  Don't expect a lot of yourself for a while.. as you process it all.

It's all good to go through the many emotions you will feel ( grief- denial, anger, sadness, confusion, etc) . And I think it is good that you're in therapy.. I did find it helpful.

As for your ex, I feel you need to be straight with her.  That's you two are broken up & you expect and want no more from her.  She should respect this and leave you be.

Your post says 'getting back girlfriend...'.  Is this what you honestly want? I don't agree with this.. You are so not in the right mind to be able to handle this with her and your loss , etc.

I feel it's best you continue on your own, without anymore confusion or emotional challenges for a good while.  Focus on yourself and your own issue's.

I found journaling helped.. getting lost in music, nature and just going through the emotions- feel it and work through it. Also TC of yourself.. get your rest etc.

So be honest with her & yourself and just be clear about it all.  

Again, sorry for your loss... One day at a time.

I am am very sorry for your loss.  I feel that SooSad gave you some very sound advice.  Focus on yourself right now and try to process this heartbreaking loss.  Don't compound your grief by dealing with your girlfriend right now.  

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Just now, goddess said:

I also am very sorry for your loss.  I feel that SooSad gave you some very sound advice.  Focus on yourself right now and first process this heartbreaking loss.  Don't compound your grief by dealing with your girlfriend right now.  

 

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I don't think you're finished grieving your father. I don't think you're ready for any relationship with anyone. I don't know this girl. But my ex had no sympathy when I was losing my dad. And we were very close. So, I will keep my opinions about someone who breaks up with someone who's losing a parent to myself. Disentangle yourself from her for the reasons given in the first two sentences. If she has any character, she will go quietly. If she gets angry or even tries to change your mind? Personally I'd say goodbye forever.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I remember feeling like I did when I was six and he was teaching me how to ride a bike. He said he wouldn't let go but he did and I fell...only far worse. But you will get to the point where you can smile at the memories and you'll just be glad you had him.

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14 hours ago, G237 said:

 I low key still want to get back together with her, but at the same time, I don't want to keep her hostage and use my dad's death as a means to get her back.

 I've ever been and so incredibly depressed. 

Sorry this happened. Condolences on your father. There's never a good time to break up. The relationship wasn't working.

Make an appointment with a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Discuss the protracted sadness and hopelessness. Keep going to therapy for ongoing support.

Unfortunately this back-to-back loss may have precipitated a depressive episode, which is a medical problem.

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My heart goes out to you, G. I'm so sorry for your loss of your father.

It's natural during grief to experience anger, even while NObody can pick a 'right' time to break up.

Consider asking your therapist for an increase in sessions to help you navigate this difficult time of double grief.

You also might want to read up a bit on the 5 stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance. Understand that these are not neat and linear stages but rather a mish-mosh of aspects, sometimes combined and often cycled through in short periods and repeated again and again.

You may want to consider pursuing as many friends and family members as possible to spend time with, as this may help you to be less dependent on your ex for comfort.

Write more if it helps, and I'm holding you in my thoughts.

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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