Boyfriend and Besfriend want to be Friends

[Halo239]

Hey guys,

so I am in a new relationship and I have trouble finding a solution for the following reasons:

Normally I would ask my best friend about it, but she is one part of my problem and I dont know how to talk about it with her. 

First things first, I havent had a serious realtionship for a long time and it's challenging to set boundaries, both because I think I am a very chill girfriend, I trust him and everything, but sometimes I may be to chill and dont know how to talk about things, that I have previously said are okay but are not okay for me anymore. 

Other thing is my best friend IS my best friend, shes part of my life and I know, she would never try to "steal" my boyfriend. We know each other for a long time, she knows how my mind works. 

My problem is with them liking each other like good friends. Like them meeting and talking about stuff and bonding.

I think it's great they like each other, because they are both very important to me and we will spent time with each other.

But when we are together I feel like they sometimes go against me. She doesnt seem to mind, talking about/ accusing me of things that I find should be talked about first im private. For example she said with him around that I am jealous, which I am, but they laughed about it like it is not an important feeling and definitly something I dont want to be laughed or mocked at for. When I am with them, they talk most of the time and leave me out or ignore me, because apparently I am not interesting enough to be part of the conversation. - it is very hard for me to talk about things, I dont like feeling vulnerable and I feel like I am not taken serious here. Which makes it even harder to talk about.

And the other problem that really weighs hard on my heart is, that she is going to move to our city to study at the same uni he is in. I am full time working, so I will not be present there. She said it would be nice that she knows someone there. And it's true, moving to another city, it's great knowing people. But the tought of them being alone makes me sad. Because she is my best friend and I talk about my problems with her and them being close friends means i can't really do that anymore. I doesn't feel "safe". 

The have already spent time alone and apparently had a lot of fun. 

When they joke around and I look at them weird, because I just cant always control my face, I can see them judging my jealousy. 

I dont think, me feeling this way comes from nothing, I fee like i have valid reasons to be upset. I just dont know, how to tell them without making it weird, whenever we spent time together or them talking about it when they are alone.

It feels like I lost already. 

 

[Jamie425]

I don't care if your boyfriend and best friend ate Siamese twins. There are boundaries when it comes to what to say in front of a friend's man. I had a "best friend" who corrected me, even when I was right, told embarrassing stories etc. around men in whom I was interested. I never stopped her.

I'm not saying she isn't your friend. But she isn't behaving like one. Maybe she thinks it's funny. You need to have a serious talk about what is and is not acceptable to talk about in front of your boyfriend. If she persists, refuse to spend time with both of them at the same time. Your friends behavior is unacceptable.

Draw a line in the sand and don't cross it.

[Lambert]

If you can't be yourself and trust that your best friend and your significant other will understand you, choose to do what makes you most comfortable then they're not really your best friend and a worthy significant other. Are they?

Sometimes people can be manipulative through gaslighting and turning it around on you.  But that's when you have to be strong and say, don't treat me like I'm dumb. You guys are not treating me with respect and some things need to change or I'm out of here. 

Seeing that it's a new relationship, you should really think about what this says about the guy. Early on, he should be more into you than wanting to hang with your female friend.

You probably should do some soul searching. What's really happening here? Who is the catalyst? Or is it both of them and you need to distance yourself to see what they do.  

Remember- people are not dumb. Not in the way we sometimes think.  They KNOW WHAT THEY DO.

You stay true to yourself. If you pull back and let your silence speak for your dissatisfaction with the situation, I think you'll see what you need to know.

 Don't be afraid to be mad.  they're being jerks for even putting you in this spot. Start making some new friends.  Not that you won't be friends or work it out with the guy, but always have options. You don't have to beg anyone to treat you right. When someone or in this case, more than one, isn't treating you right, you don't beg them to act right.  You show them you don't need their crap by getting away from them.  

If you lose them, that would be a win because they will eventually let you down anyway. Better to know sooner than later. As my mom would say, with friends like that,  who needs enemies.

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, Halo239 said:

Hey guys,

so I am in a new relationship and I have trouble finding a solution for the following reasons:

Normally I would ask my best friend about it, but she is one part of my problem and I dont know how to talk about it with her. 

First things first, I havent had a serious realtionship for a long time and it's challenging to set boundaries, both because I think I am a very chill girfriend, I trust him and everything, but sometimes I may be to chill and dont know how to talk about things, that I have previously said are okay but are not okay for me anymore. 

Other thing is my best friend IS my best friend, shes part of my life and I know, she would never try to "steal" my boyfriend. We know each other for a long time, she knows how my mind works. 

My problem is with them liking each other like good friends. Like them meeting and talking about stuff and bonding.

I think it's great they like each other, because they are both very important to me and we will spent time with each other.

But when we are together I feel like they sometimes go against me. She doesnt seem to mind, talking about/ accusing me of things that I find should be talked about first im private. For example she said with him around that I am jealous, which I am, but they laughed about it like it is not an important feeling and definitly something I dont want to be laughed or mocked at for. When I am with them, they talk most of the time and leave me out or ignore me, because apparently I am not interesting enough to be part of the conversation. - it is very hard for me to talk about things, I dont like feeling vulnerable and I feel like I am not taken serious here. Which makes it even harder to talk about.

And the other problem that really weighs hard on my heart is, that she is going to move to our city to study at the same uni he is in. I am full time working, so I will not be present there. She said it would be nice that she knows someone there. And it's true, moving to another city, it's great knowing people. But the tought of them being alone makes me sad. Because she is my best friend and I talk about my problems with her and them being close friends means i can't really do that anymore. I doesn't feel "safe". 

The have already spent time alone and apparently had a lot of fun. 

When they joke around and I look at them weird, because I just cant always control my face, I can see them judging my jealousy. 

I dont think, me feeling this way comes from nothing, I fee like i have valid reasons to be upset. I just dont know, how to tell them without making it weird, whenever we spent time together or them talking about it when they are alone.

It feels like I lost already. 

 

No, dear. You’ve won: your peace of mind and sanity. Let him go. It’s clear he’s not interested in the way you feel if he’s mocking you with others. 

As for your friend, it may be poops and giggles for her but she seems more interested in her own desires and wants, at your expense. When a friend starts to act more like a foe and is disinterested or uncaring about you, that’s when you step back. 

My suggestion is to let them both go and turn to other friends. It stings now but you’ll heal quickly without these thorns in your side.

[Seraphim]

All of that is a Nope nope nope. They both can go for disloyalty. 

[MissCanuck]

A true best friend would not need to be told to stay in her lane around your boyfriend, OP. 

And a decent boyfriend would certainly already know where the boundary is, and not go cozying up to your best friend like this. 

I think you need to re-evaluate both of them, and ask yourself if either of these people really has your best interests and feelings at heart. It doesn't sound like it. 

[Kwothe28]

I really dont see why they would spent some time alone. With you in the company sure. Alone is just in a very poor taste from both of them. Its a free world. But it just doesnt really reflect good there. Wouldnt be surprised if he dumps you and after a while starts dating her. You shouldnt be that "chill" with that kind of behavior. They exlude you from the conversation and they even go on a separate "dates" together. Establish some boundaries there and say to both of them you are not comfortable with what is going on. If they start to "gaslight" you how you are jealous, I would suggest to dump both of them. Yes, even best friend.

[JoyfulCompany]

A joke stops being funny when the target of the joke is uncomfortable with it.
A best friend isn't someone who's been there for the longest time, but one who has your back.
A person may not be of the jealous type, but may experience jealousy when they're being put in a grey situation.
Being chill doesn't mean not having boundaries. 
etc.

What I'm trying to say is I find your feelings valid and if your boyfriend or best friend try to put you down for them, it may be time to reevaluate relationships.

At one point me and the boyfriend of one of my girlfriends (not my best friend but a dear one) were working in the same district - across the boulevard. I generally like him as a person and I'm very happy my girlfriend is happy with him (they're now married and have a daughter). He would suggest we get lunch together a few times over the span of a year. My girlfriend knew. It was actually him, his coworker (and friend), who I was interested in, and me. One time I went to our usual meet-up spot and it turned out his coworker wasn't coming. I still went to lunch, but the whole time I was wondering if it's appropriate. I mean... my girlfriend knew and seemed chill about it, he loved her, he had nothing for me and I had nothing for him and yet I felt uncomfortable and cautious to bond 1-1 with him. I didn't want to do anything behind my girlfriend's back, even if it was just some joke at her expense. I tried to speak on neutral (non-private) topics only and to bring her from time to time to the conversation, naturally and respectfully. I've never went to lunch with him 1-1 after. We sometimes exchange funny pictures in a chat, but I don't always answer and I rarely initiate. As much as I like him as a person, I'm not looking for a deep friendship there. It could be a conflict of interests for me if a close friend complains to me about their relationship with another close friend. I'm free to have all the friends I want in other places and I choose to do that.

So I think your friend should also be free to look for close friendships elsewhere. There are plenty of people on this earth.

I would've viewed him and her 1-1 differently if the three of you were close friends long before your relationship started, but given the situation I think they're crossing a line. A new boyfriend should be mostly interested in getting to know you and a best friend should give you space to have romantic relationships without her being that involved.

So - sorry you're being put in this situation, stand your ground and best of luck.

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? How old is he? How does your BF know your friend? Did you introduce them?

Your BF should not be dating your friend. Forget being the "chill GF". What that usually means is you're too afraid to lose someone so you swallow your self-respect.

Stop pretending you're "happy for them". You're not. You feel betrayed by both of them because they act like they're dating.

Step far away from this and confide in other trusted friends.

 

[Halo239]

Hey guys, thank you for your response. 

I have written this in a bad place and may have made it look worse than it is. Which is not fair. 

Yes, there is defenitely a lot of talking to do, biggest mistake was not making myself clear. I compensate a lot of my pain with humor and that leads to missunderstandings. 

It is a new situation and I dont like new situations. I challenges my previous realtionship to my friend und to myself and it changes the way we function, I know. 

I am sure they dont know I feel like thirdwheeling, all of this happened while we were drunk, which is not an excuse, it just makes things harder to clear. 

The thought of them not accepting me is scary but I doubt it to be more than thought. I am really good at spiraling and then I tend to just not say anything. 

I am not ready to give them up, but your advice really gave me strenght to stand up for myself. Thank you!

 

[MissCanuck]

12 minutes ago, Halo239 said:

all of this happened while we were drunk, which is not an excuse

All of what? You said they have hung out alone. 

That didn't happen when they were drunk, did it? 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Halo239 said:

they dont know I feel like thirdwheeling, all of this happened while we were drunk. The thought of them not accepting me is scary

Who is dating who in this scenario? You and the girl, you and the "bf", the "bf" and the girl?

Who is the "third wheel"? Is this a  threesome gone wrong? 

What pain? What humor? Your post is almost incomprehensible as you keep shifting the story.

[SooSad33]

You really should feel you can talk to your bestie about anything.  I feel you should at least bring up to her how her pointing out your being jealous as a thing you don't want her to mention - and she should back off with all of that.

I feel it is okay for your bf & her to hang on on occasion if you're at work and they are ;waiting' on you to arrive home, sort of thing.

As for them attending same school for studies, IF you truly do trust them both, that should not pose a real problem.  As I dont think they're doing the same studies. So, they will have to go on their own a lot of the time.. and they'll most likely also come to meet a couple new friends in their own surroundings eventually.

It does seem concerning if you feel you can't trust them for some reason 😕 .

Not sure how long you've been dating him, but trust is a big thing..  If it's your weakness, maybe consider focussing on that and try to find out why/how to deal with this?

[smackie9]

Them hanging out together one on one is definitely not appropriate. AND yes anyone at any time can become disloyal. Right now they are so blind to what they are doing, they are unknowingly have desire for each other. Yes they get along like gang busters, and it's fun to them and they want to keep going with it....eventually things may get intense between them. That is something you cannot stop. Pandora's box is already open. There is no going back. They both mock your jealousy, so by the looks of it, it's them against you if you openly discuss your feelings about it. It's not a good situation, and I'm so sorry this is happening to you. 

Maybe he has a friend that is single...that is the only solution I can come up with is to find her her own BF. 

[greendots]

Becoming 'besties' with someone's boyfriend is questionable. Had they already been friends before he met you I'd be understanding about them wanting to hangout alone.

Also, I feel that by focusing on your best friend you're making her more relevant in your romantic relationship than need be. So, if he tells you about her acknowledge that he's talking to you (and you want to be respectful about that) but change the topic. Talk about movies, the news, whatever else. Act similar if she tells you about him.

 

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Maybe he has a friend that is single.

I was just about to suggest that. Find out if he has any available male friends both of you could introduce her to. Or maybe you know some single men. He won't object to your best friend meeting other men if he's not interested in her. See if all of you can go out on a group outing. You're not setting her up on a blind date. You're just introducing her to other men. Try it and observe how it turns out.

[indea08]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Them hanging out together one on one is definitely not appropriate. AND yes anyone at any time can become disloyal. Right now they are so blind to what they are doing, they are unknowingly have desire for each other. Yes they get along like gang busters, and it's fun to them and they want to keep going with it....eventually things may get intense between them. That is something you cannot stop. Pandora's box is already open. There is no going back. They both mock your jealousy, so by the looks of it, it's them against you if you openly discuss your feelings about it. It's not a good situation, and I'm so sorry this is happening to you. 

Maybe he has a friend that is single...that is the only solution I can come up with is to find her her own BF. 

This is correct. I’ve lived through this exact scenario. I was in your boyfriend’s position. It starts off as a friendship and you’re grateful you all get along. Then, when anything happens between you and your boyfriend (an argument, disagreement, having to take care of you when you’re sick, etc), that drama free friendship looks easier, and therefore more desirable. And it’s forbidden, so the rush is….intoxicating. And once it’s started, there really is no stopping it.

If you’re best friend is mocking you for your jealousy, you need to address that. That’s not cool. Especially with your new boyfriend there to join in with her, backing you into a corner. That’s not okay.

You really, really need to handle all of this NOW by being upfront and honest with everyone, including yourself.

If it doesn’t feel okay to you, that’s because it’s not. Trust your instincts.

FWIW, I ended up leaving my boyfriend and dated the other guy. It was messy, but I have no regrets. I’m sure the ex (you, in your scenario) would not say the same.

[Rose Mosse]

8 hours ago, Halo239 said:

Hey guys, thank you for your response. 

I have written this in a bad place and may have made it look worse than it is. Which is not fair. 

Yes, there is defenitely a lot of talking to do, biggest mistake was not making myself clear. I compensate a lot of my pain with humor and that leads to missunderstandings. 

It is a new situation and I dont like new situations. I challenges my previous realtionship to my friend und to myself and it changes the way we function, I know. 

I am sure they dont know I feel like thirdwheeling, all of this happened while we were drunk, which is not an excuse, it just makes things harder to clear. 

The thought of them not accepting me is scary but I doubt it to be more than thought. I am really good at spiraling and then I tend to just not say anything. 

I am not ready to give them up, but your advice really gave me strenght to stand up for myself. Thank you!

 

Let us know how it goes.

[Cherylyn]

I have several best, very close friends and they would never become close friends with my husband nor will he ever want to be close friends with them either.  I would never become close friends with my friends' husbands.  It's common sense to know boundaries and know what respect is towards the exclusive person in your life or your spouse. 

Since your boyfriend and best friend have no qualms casting you aside, sidestepping and disrespecting you, you need to determine whether or not you wish to retain your boyfriend as your boyfriend or reduce him to a lower status.  Or, you need to determine if you should breakup with your boyfriend so he can continue being your best friend's pal to his heart's content.

You are the one who has to make some decisions because your boyfriend and best friend will not change for you.  Two is company, three's a crowd.

[Andrina]

It's clear you have very low self-esteem, as you are now belittling your own first version of the story, among other things you've divulged. You're terrified to lose your lousy boyfriend and supposed best friend, probably because you've made both of the them the center of your universe. For you, you'd rather sweep the truth under the rug now, than to face temporarily being alone until you find a new bestie and a new boyfriend.

I wouldn't even have a talk with him. If he doesn't have the sense to act like a good boyfriend in this major way, it's best you just make yourself single so you're free when a better prospect comes along. I can't even imagine my husband or myself doing what he and your "friend" are doing. Don't normalize it with any of your excuses. She doesn't deserve a talking-to either. Who you thought was a best friend is now showing you her true colors--that a cute guy overrides normal friendship rules that decent people possess.

I'd be alone and work on your self-esteem, because if you don't, you'll just keep picking people who will run all over you and treat you like a doormat. When I was 19, I witnessed a similar scene when I was dating my first husband. He had a best friend I didn't like named Bill, who had a girlfriend he'd dated about 3 or 4 months. She was always inviting her bestie along with us as a group of 5, saying she felt sorry for her since her friend didn't have a bf. Well, the gf went to the bathroom and was shocked that when she returned, her bf and bestie made plans to see a concert that she'd be left out of because he only had 2 tickets. You can guess what happened after that.

Don't accept less than quality people in your life. You'll know quality from how you feel in their presence. We all think you deserve better. Now you just have to convince yourself of that.

[Batya33]

I am all for platonic friendships whatever the gender as long as there are appropriate boundaries.  She may not be romantically attracted to him but she enjoys the attention, the flattery, the competition with you for his attentions.  Totally fine for the 3 of you to hang out -I've done that many times in my life - but she should know his place and so should he without you having to police anything or say a word.  I used to go out all the time in high school with my best friend and her boyfriend - not always double dating.  It never occurred to me to be his "best friend" -I was her best friend, he was her boyfriend. 

He was nice and kind and thoughtful to me, we had good conversations, but there was never a question in my mind that they were a couple. And I treated it as such.  And I was 16 years old.  It's common sense.  She knows full well she's being inappropriate and she's enjoying the heck out of it. So is he.

[HeartGoesOn]

With the both of them playing you for a fool, I'd call their bluff, be the bigger person , and leave them in the dust.

You have better things to do, other than participating in their juvenile game.

 

[Cherylyn]

People (no matter who they are) will take advantage of you as long as you allow it and give them permission.  

Don't get hurt anymore.  Be smart.