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Finally broke up, pretty much. Am I wrong for moving on before things being "officially" over?


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So I had a 12 day stretch off work and she didn't make time to see me ONCE. Granted she worked a ton of overtime but it was all voluntary, and she was saving up for a family road trip that began right when I went back to work. And we were already on a two or three week stretch of not seeing each other. So we got into a little argument over two weeks ago and haven't talked since. I'm taking this as a breakup and have resumed Tinder activity over a week ago. It's a shame our three year relationship has to end via ghosting but I'd rather not have any difficult conversations, maybe she feels the same. To top it off, the stripper I was going to shoot the video with found a different guy for it and she promptly unfriended me on fb. If anything this hurts worse than the relationship ending.

It puts me in a weird spot. I've already ran through the local Tinder dating pool and got no promising matches so now I'm just...Alone. It doesn't bother me like it did when I was younger but in the back of my mind I have this lingering fear that I'll end up alone. I'm not very outgoing, not at all adventurous, severely allergic to cats and can't do pillow top mattresses. I even went to the strip club a couple weeks ago and it just didn't feel the same. I felt just as empty leaving as I did showing up, another big difference from the younger me. I guess all I can do is keep working on myself. Keep working out, eating right, staying hydrated, budgeting and furthering my education.  At the end of the day all I want to do is be good enough for someone.

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You were already "alone". If you haven't seen the so called girlfriend in weeks you were spending that time alone, no?

You'll meet new people, just give it time. But stay away from the strip club. Not likely you're going to meet the right woman there.

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If I remember this right, your relationship has been on the rocks/mostly over for quite some time anyway.  So this is really for the best.  But I know it hurts anyway just the same.  Hang in there.

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2 hours ago, Krombopulos said:

So I had a 12 day stretch off work and she didn't make time to see me ONCE. Granted she worked a ton of overtime but it was all voluntary, and she was saving up for a family road trip that began right when I went back to work. And we were already on a two or three week stretch of not seeing each other. So we got into a little argument over two weeks ago and haven't talked since.

Did this bother you at all?  I'd say that means that you DO still have some feelings for this 'ex' of yours.

Is fine if you want to just jump into the dating circle again, but I feel you should really take some 'down time' and just take it all in.

Work on accepting it's over.  Deal with the emotions and work through it all for a little while.

As for being 'alone'... I think that's another things you need to work on 'accepting'.  Worst thing to do is try to be involved with anything that gives you attention just so you won't be alone.. and that's the wrong way or reason to do this! 

If you're not feeling so great about yourself or your life atm, don't you think that will show to your next 'partner'?  I get a feeling you can only 'fake it' for so long.

So, maybe don't jump into anything too quickly.  Don't be out there using people!  That's selfish & so unfair 😕 .

Like I mentioned, take some down time and re-adjust yourself from this last experience.  Get busy hanging with friends, do a sport or hobby, etc.

 

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You were never dating, never had sex and barely saw each other. Tinder is garbage so it's no wonder you're not having any luck. As far as wasting your money on strip clubs, that's not going to help you much either.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Rule out physical causes for the inertia and ruminating. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

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We call what you had there "to have a relationship just to have a relationship". Meaning that you had somebody just to say you had somebody. Otherwise you literally feel more regret because your stripper had somebody else to shub dildo in his arse. 

Its not that bad. She can now find somebody more family oriented and you can find somebody to explore whatever you want. You feel alone because, again, you clinged to that relationship as something to just be there. And now you lost even that. Focus more on yourself. You dont need a relationship just to have somebody to not be alone. And try to find somebody more suitable if you want to be happy.

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I'd say, even without everything else, the unfriending thing says it's over and fear is no reason to stay in a relationship. And you shouldn't be afraid. Introverted people find love every day and anyone so naturally faithful to fear to move on despite such a petty action is a rare and wondrous breed. I would, however, suggest you work on your confidence. When you know your worth, you will be more likely to find someone who does. Part of building your confidence is avoiding those who do not. Best wishes.

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Everyone feels this way when a relationship ends...they think they should be launched into a waiting crowd of single just waiting to date you, but instead you are met with crickets. This is the time for you to be with yourself for awhile to grieve, get rid of those residual feelings and be at peace with your life. Then you will be ready to have someone new in your life...not have someone fill the void. Filling the void can turn you into a desperate fool. 

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3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

they think they should be launched into a waiting crowd of single just waiting to date you, but instead you are met with crickets. This is the time for you to be with yourself for awhile to grieve, get rid of those residual feelings and be at peace with your life. Then you will be ready to have someone new in your life...

Kromb, I better than anyone have had this hard but truthful item ^^^ "smackie" me in the face 😉  Started divorce, got a therapist, moved into my own place, said to myself o yeah get on a dating app, you're ready rah rah rah sis boom bah.  About 3-4 weeks in realized I am in no way ready to date after that many years of being with one person, I don't even know who I am anymore.  Canned the app, hid my profile, decided to bookmark a year, year and a half to work on myself, just live and be in the world with ME.  It's going pretty good!  Have several projects going, not lacking for social engagements, travel, work and family stuff, just NOT dating.  I actually feel good since it's been almost 30 years since I was last single.  Don't forget the pandemic kind of hosed up a lot of social stuff as well... anyhoo, best of luck and hope you find your North star!

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It's okay to feel lousy for a while after a relationship, most people do.

It also doesn't signal the end of the world--or your future.

But practically, rather than from some finger-wagging moral standpoint, the strip club wastes your money, lowers your energy and is just a lousy way to spend your time if 'improvement' is on your agenda.

Lean in, feel the pain, and learn that it's survivable. Avoid spinning your head into negativity and fears. Instead, keep a running list of interests to explore when you're feeling up to it.

Head high.

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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