Should I break up with my friends

[sam1256]

I have some friends I made from university, we all hung out and had great time. (group of 4)

When I broke up with my bf, my grandad passed away, and couple of things happened, it was basically depressing, they helped me through a lot. They were quite supportive.

However, last couple of weeks, one of my girl friends started to exclude me for everything, the other friend we still talk to each other a lot but started lying to me (not telling me) and keep saying she had something planned, but in fact went to meet the other friend. The guy friend in the group I just decided I should not meet with him because I cannot accept some of his behaviours, lazy (sleep till 1pm), always cancel plans while he invited me, bad influence to me. 

I don't want to deal with this drama anymore, every time it just bothers me when those two are excluding me. I'd rather just break up with the other friend altogether.

I only have one very close friend who I really like, now she is married so I cannot hangout with her as much. 

I value friends with honesty consistency. I just often don't feel good when hanging out with them, I don't know if I am being too picky or I did something wrong. But after going through a breakup, I just knew one thing for certain, I do not accept anyone who does not value me into my inner circle. But I also don't want to have no friends

What do you guys think of this?

[Wiseman2]

It seems like you've outgrown these people. Join some clubs and groups. Volunteer. Take some classes and courses and make some new friends. Also join some LGBT groups and get support, make friends that way.

[Lambert]

If you don't want drama, don't make any.

I don't think breaking up with friends is the way to go.  Friendship do tend to ebb and flow.  Even though you might be out of uni, we all still grow up so to speak for many years after.   Keep your opinions to yourself, unless asked.  For now, keep your distance and go make some new friends.  And in time, things may be different. You may run into each other and find you do value the friendship. 

Focus on yourself.  Do things that you enjoy.  You will find more friends.  Sometimes you just have to endure your own company for a while.  LOL.  

Over the years I have lost touch with friends, ended some friendships, been reunited and made peace with some.  That's just life.  Stay true to yourself.  If you don't like the way someone is treating you, get away from them.  Trying to change them or prove them wrong does not serve you.  

[Andrina]

I don't know the time period you were depressed. The only reason it could be your own fault that they don't want to hang with you is if that period went on too long with you monopolizing your time together with going on at length about your turmoil. In that case, they could only support you for so long, but they were ready again for good times, and that wouldn't happen around you.

If that isn't the case, it's just what others have said, that friendships evolve and sometimes fade away.

There are friends from my teen years who I reconnected with as a mature adult on social media. For many of them, I've found that I want nothing to do with them now. Our viewpoints don't match and so I'll just keep the happy memories of who they once were to me, but that time is gone.

The natural evolution of friendships is the reason I've never called anybody my best friend. Things change and it's sometimes hurtful. Never put all your eggs in one basket. Seek out friends through hobbies and meet up .com groups. Never rely solely on one person for all your social needs, including a romantic partner. That becomes too suffocating for that person.

Good luck.

[Batya33]

I agree to look back on how long you leaned on your friends. Were you reliable during this time ? Were you mindful of not using up all the oxygen in the room ?  I have a friend who’s been extremely needy and clingy the last two years. Sometimes she’s not.  We’ve been friends for 10 years and she’s been very generous and thoughtful overall so I’m cutting her slack but it’s hard on me. She’s been through a lot though so I’m doing my best. Consider this. 

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, sam1256 said:

I have some friends I made from university, we all hung out and had great time. (group of 4)

When I broke up with my bf, my grandad passed away, and couple of things happened, it was basically depressing, they helped me through a lot. They were quite supportive.

However, last couple of weeks, one of my girl friends started to exclude me for everything, the other friend we still talk to each other a lot but started lying to me (not telling me) and keep saying she had something planned, but in fact went to meet the other friend. The guy friend in the group I just decided I should not meet with him because I cannot accept some of his behaviours, lazy (sleep till 1pm), always cancel plans while he invited me, bad influence to me. 

I don't want to deal with this drama anymore, every time it just bothers me when those two are excluding me. I'd rather just break up with the other friend altogether.

I only have one very close friend who I really like, now she is married so I cannot hangout with her as much. 

I value friends with honesty consistency. I just often don't feel good when hanging out with them, I don't know if I am being too picky or I did something wrong. But after going through a breakup, I just knew one thing for certain, I do not accept anyone who does not value me into my inner circle. But I also don't want to have no friends

What do you guys think of this?

This has only been happening for two weeks? I think you’re overreacting. One of them may be going through something personal and not want others to know details. 

You’re not dating these people and it’s none of your business knowing everything there is to know. No “break up” is needed. Let them reach out to you in future and come to you. If that never happens that’s not a problem either. Go out and make new friends. 

If you want to do something don’t wait for people if they aren’t interested, make plans and go do it.

[Cherylyn]

Like you, I would assess and reevaluate these friendships of yours just as you had been doing. 

Friend #1 excludes you for everything.  I would feel rejected and not good enough to belong to your friend's groups or mutual groups.  This does not sound like a good friend to me.  I'd fade away from this friendship.  Or, your other option would be to have this friend as a friend without being in a group setting.  It's your choice. 

Friend #2 lies to you.  That's very bad.  Once a liar, always a liar.  You can't trust liars.  This friend doesn't sound like a keeper.

Friend #3, the guy friend is lazy, sleeps too much, cancels plans, is a flake and a bad influence.  He doesn't sound like a winner either.

If you prefer to break up with the two friends who exclude you, then do it.  You're obviously not wanted and who in their right mind wants to feel unwanted?

The married friend is someone you like even though the married friend's time is limited.  Follow her cue and maintain the friendship as mutual schedules permit. 

If you don't feel good socializing with dishonest, inconsistent friends, then don't hang out with them.  No, you're not being too picky because you want to be treated with the same respect you've given them.  It all boils down to treating each other well and if you're shortchanged, then it's not a sound friendship in lockstep.  I've experienced the same and have since learned to move on permanently.

You won't be without friends forever.  It's better to be temporarily alone than surround yourself with the wrong type of friends.  This refers to anyone in your life.  It's better to choose high quality people who DESERVE to be in your life and the rest?  Let them go so they can be with those who are similar to their personalities and characters.  Afford to become very picky and choosy.  Quality vs. quantity.  It's always the principle of the matter.  Do what's right for you.  Treat yourself with dignity and make sure others treat you with dignity or it's a real deal breaker.

[Kwothe28]

I dont really think your friends are your relationships. Some fizzle out, some new come, its just the way of life so no need of "breaking up". One of my best friends from college married in different country. I made an effort and we saw last summer but other than that, she just fizzled. Doesnt even ask how I am. Other cheated her boyfriend(now her husband) with my roomate. We are not that close now but we may work together soon so we might renew some form of hangout if we count work. My male best friend, sadly died from lupus(I made a joke when I last heard him that "Its never lupus" like Dr House 😪). Its around one year now, couldnt go to funeral because Covid, will visit grave soon at one year anniversary.

Anyway, what I want to say, I think you will realize that some people just come and go. I read somewhere that you have just 2-3 close friends that stick out. The rest are just aquitances that just come and go. Same with your friends. One fizzled because of marriage, male one you dont want to hang out and other female one is excluding you so you should patent my mother principle of "who wants to hang out with me good, who doesnt, good ridance". It may look tragic but trust me, its sometimes just the natural way of life. Tomorrow you will get new friends through work, even maybe through marriage or just renew some old friendships. 

[catfeeder]

It's natural for certain 'stage of life' friends to diverge after a while, but with my age and experience, I can tell you that they often flow back in again down the road after we've grown as individuals and our interests can realign.

Then you'll have a history to bond over together.

That's why I don't see a 'need' to burn bridges to 'break up' when I can just not be available.

IMO, it's far less stressful to walk around peacefully coexisting on this planet without enemies rather than blow up a once-close friendship to make some point that may really be pointless in hindsight.

Head high, and explore new interests to meet new people.

[Jamie425]

The best relationships aren't just about how much we like others but how much we like ourselves when we're with them. How we feel period when we're with them. It can't be good or you wouldn't be here.

Would you stay in an abusive relationship a boyfriend because you didn't want to be without one? Because excluding you, insulting you and lying to you is abusive.

Pursue hobbies that allow you to meet like-minded friends. Get in touch with other friends from high school or before. Cultivate friendships at work.

It may not happen overnight. You might be lonely for a while. But I wouldn't worry about having no friends. These people are not friends.

[Tinydance]

Could you give some examples of how your friend was excluding you from things? It's just hard to really know what the situation is because you didn't give any examples of what these friends were actually doing, except the guy friend.

I'm not sure what they did but I don't really think it's a crime that two of your friends also hung out by themselves. I'm actually also in a friendship group of four girlfriends (no guys) and I've actually known them for about 21 years now! Mostly we do hang out as a group of four but sometimes we end up hanging out as only two or three people. This could be due to circumstances. For example, one of the friends lives in a rural city and I went to visit that area, so I saw her. I actually did invite the others but they didn't come. Sometimes some of us do catch up as only two people just coz they both happened to be free or happened to be in each other's area. 

In terms of the guy friend, I think it's bad he cancels on you when he's the one that asked you to hang out. I actually have a long term guy friend like that too and after he did it to me too many times, I kinda stopped hanging out with him. The thing about him sleeping in until 1:00 p.m. though doesn't actually affect you (unless you were meeting up). So I personally wouldn't end a friendship over something like that. Often your friends will do something you don't agree with but that doesn't mean you need to end the friendship, unless it affects you directly. 

For example, one of my close male friends is 38 and he has never moved out of home. He's always lived with his Mum and siblings and said he will never move out. He said because his Mum has some investment properties that after she dies maybe he'll just get a house or some inheritance money. But his Mum is only in her early 60's so she might not die for at least another 20 years. So basically he's not interested in ever living on his own until he's like 60 years old himself. He makes a lot of money as a substitute teacher but he said he's just comfortable living at home with his Mum. My personal opinion was that this is lame and not very mature. However because he's just my friend and not boyfriend and this has no impact on me, I'm not going to end the friendship over it.