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Dumped My Boyfriend For My Daughter


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I am a single mother in her 40s. I was dating a man 15 years older whose kids are adult. i had been on my own over 5 years when I met him. He started off seemingly normal. I didn’t introduce him to my daughter for a few months. When I did, she was not happy. She is 11 and used to it being just the two of us. Anyway, he stopped coming over because he said my daughter is too clingy. So I would visit him at his house when she was at school or sport or with a friend. But this didn’t give us much time together. He wanted to see more of me but said I couldn’t bring my daughter. He doesn’t have the patience and just wants drama free time with me. He started suggesting I send her to live with her father. I walked away from the relationship because while I don’t need help with my daughter, it’s hard trying to juggle parenting and relationship and keep them separate. My daughter is priority and I’m certainly not sending her hours away to her father. If a man is anti their partners child/ren, why get into a relationship with a single mother?

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15 minutes ago, Tay79 said:

 he stopped coming over because he said my daughter is too clingy. . He wanted to see more of me but said I couldn’t bring my daughter. My daughter is priority 

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? You were right getting rid of him, he's a selfish jerk🤡.

Your daughter is your priority not some crochety old man who wants childless women and whines.

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I don't think he was anti - he was not comfortable with your particular situation and he didn't get it and you two are incompatible.  Perhaps he assumed you'd hire a sitter or have your daughter do sleepovers at a relatives home or friends so you two could have proper dates.  I avoided dating single dads when I was dating in my 30s because I didn't want the kids to get attached to me -a few months of dating would have been too soon for me to be involved with someone else's kids for that reason.  I wanted to marry someone who had no children if possible and we would have a child together.  

I think he overstepped by suggesting you send your daughter away but it probably means he had irregular contact with his own kids after his divorce.  He doesn't get it.  I mean it's the same with certain friends I've had over the years - whether parents or not - sometimes they don't get how I choose to parent (our son is 13) and they don't get why I say no to certain social situations given my parenting responsibilities.

For example a new friend with a son my son's age once said to me matter of factly "oh ok I'd love to meet you and your husband so let's double date next Friday -there's this great restaurant with jazz music."  My son was 10 or 11. 

I told her - well we don't use sitters really and we don't really go out at night but I'd be happy to meet for lunch when he's in school and if my husband is available we'll all meet."  She was "shocked" I didn't hire sitters or go out at night much.  Whoop de do.  I mean -have a thicker skin and don't assume he is "anti" like my friend wasn't "anti" people who don't hire sitters to go out at night. 

Another new friend ghosted me because my son was a baby, she wanted us to come to dinner late at night/getting home way after my baby's bedtime (she had young kids) and my priority was my son's sleep schedule at the time -would have ruined us for the next day - so I suggested an alternative -a day time playdate.  Nothing.  People have their boundaries.  That was hers.  I had mine.  

Your daughter is lucky to have you.  I'm sorry you feel disappointed!!

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His wife left him when the kids were age 12 and 4. He saw them school holidays. He seems to have a good relationship with them. I realise he wants quality time with me and doesn’t want to deal with a prepubescent, but it’s unfair to tell me to send her away. I have 90% care of her and she would be so upset if I made her live with her father. He told me I will regret losing him over my brat of a daughter. She may seem a brat to him because she is extremely attached to me and was worried she will lose me to him because her dad walked out for another woman. 

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? You were right getting rid of him, he's a selfish jerk🤡.

Your daughter is your priority not some crochety old man who wants childless women and whines.

8 months. If he had shown his true colours from the start, I could have walked away much earlier.

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I think you did the right thing.  As @Batya33 said, you guys aren't compatible.  

An 11-year-old is not easy to raise, and you need to be with a guy that gets that.  I mean sure it was fun hanging with him, but long term?  how can that work out?  He wants more time with you, that's cool.  but not your kid?  Send her away?  That's not cool.  I think he was being selfish.  Which it is his right to decide how he wants to spend his time.  But it tells you a lot about him & what he expects in a partner.  

Say you send your kid to live with her dad.  Aside from the emotional trauma to you both, what's his next demand?  

I really think you dodged a bullet.  There are other guys.  Do not fall into some trap of desperation.  your daughter doesn't know how lucky she is... but she will in time.  ❤️

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Just now, Wiseman2 said:

This abusive remark is an instant drop kick out the door. Don't even listen to his drivel.

No way! I actually said to him “would you have tolerated this derogatory talk from anyone regarding your daughters?” He said “my kids were good kids.”

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4 minutes ago, Tay79 said:

He told me I will regret losing him over my brat of a daughter. She may seem a brat to him because she is extremely attached to me and was worried she will lose me to him because her dad walked out for another woman. 

WOW!  this guy is a loser.  Who says this?  You definitely did the right thing.  Regret losing what?  a jerk? 

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2 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I think you did the right thing.  As @Batya33 said, you guys aren't compatible.  

An 11-year-old is not easy to raise, and you need to be with a guy that gets that.  I mean sure it was fun hanging with him, but long term?  how can that work out?  He wants more time with you, that's cool.  but not your kid?  Send her away?  That's not cool.  I think he was being selfish.  Which it is his right to decide how he wants to spend his time.  But it tells you a lot about him & what he expects in a partner.  

Say you send your kid to live with her dad.  Aside from the emotional trauma to you both, what's his next demand?  

I really think you dodged a bullet.  There are other guys.  Do not fall into some trap of desperation.  your daughter doesn't know how lucky she is... but she will in time.  ❤️

Thank you for your insight. I am happy to just carry on single and concentrate on my daughter. Her father isn’t in the picture much and she needs a stable parent she knows has her back. 

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1 minute ago, Tay79 said:

No way! I actually said to him “would you have tolerated this derogatory talk from anyone regarding your daughters?” He said “my kids were good kids.”

OMG!  This guy is delusional.  Maybe he had good kids because he left his wife to raise them.  

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1 minute ago, Tay79 said:

Thank you for your insight. I am happy to just carry on single and concentrate on my daughter. Her father isn’t in the picture much and she needs a stable parent she knows has her back. 

Absolutely!  I applaud your commitment.  Children need stability to become self-reliant.  Sending her away would have been a mistake you would have regretted in the long run.  Imagine a good man coming into both your lives and what a positive influence that would be.  Hold out for that.  And hey, if he doesn't come along until after she is grown-- that's ok.  I think you are doing the right things.  Time flies and kids grow up, but they don't forget.  

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5 minutes ago, Lambert said:

OMG!  This guy is delusional.  Maybe he had good kids because he left his wife to raise them.  

That’s what I’ve thought especially regarding the younger daughter seems she was only 4 at the time

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7 minutes ago, Tay79 said:

No way! I actually said to him “would you have tolerated this derogatory talk from anyone regarding your daughters?” He said “my kids were good kids.”

Because he didn’t spend real time with them. So they were good for the holidays with Fun Daddy.  
Like the cashier who called my child “your screaming kid” because she had to correct her error while we waited for her. Oh and my kid was 9 MONTHS old. So yes people can judge other people’s kids as brats etc - even if they have kids - because their priority is to criticize and feel superior. This guy seems bratty to me. 

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Some people are just jerks. Sorry that happened. And you are right, if he doesn't want to have to deal with children he shouldn't be dating single mothers. Unfortunately there are jerks who do this from all sides. When I was dating, i had people try to push me even though I was upfront about my priorities and deal breakers. That's all you can do really, be upfront early on - for you about the place your daughter has in your life - and chuck out the ones who try to push you to do something you aren't comfortable with. 

Good call and I'm sorry. 

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3 hours ago, Tay79 said:

I am a single mother in her 40s. I was dating a man 15 years older whose kids are adult. i had been on my own over 5 years when I met him. He started off seemingly normal. I didn’t introduce him to my daughter for a few months. When I did, she was not happy. She is 11 and used to it being just the two of us. Anyway, he stopped coming over because he said my daughter is too clingy. So I would visit him at his house when she was at school or sport or with a friend. But this didn’t give us much time together. He wanted to see more of me but said I couldn’t bring my daughter. He doesn’t have the patience and just wants drama free time with me. He started suggesting I send her to live with her father. I walked away from the relationship because while I don’t need help with my daughter, it’s hard trying to juggle parenting and relationship and keep them separate. My daughter is priority and I’m certainly not sending her hours away to her father. If a man is anti their partners child/ren, why get into a relationship with a single mother?

He’s selfish and rude. When he said your daughter was childish would have been the moment to let him go. As a single parent you’ll just have to be stronger with your boundaries and not let things continue as long if they’re absolutely not right for you or your kids.

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He's at a different place in his life so it was a compatibility issue. He's finished raising kids, and thinking about retirement. You are still raising a child, more working years ahead of you. He gave the relationship a shot, like a lot of others that have posted on here in the past, going into it just to see if it can work without considering the obstacles. Obviously it didn't work, he gets frustrated, offers a solution without considering anyone's feelings but his. Him and his big fat ego can go out to the curb. You dodged a bullet.

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I want to start by saying congratulations and bravo. To my eyes the takeaway of this thread is that you are an awesome woman and terrific mother who got involved with a man who was incapable of appreciating both those things.

Always hurts when something doesn't work out, but in this case it's very clear that this man—rude and boorish and incapable of appreciating the way other people live if it interrupts what he wants—was only going to bring a lot more hurt.

Curious: Have you talked with your daughter, just the two of you, about you dating, wanting  to date? With him out of the picture, it might be a good time.  

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7 hours ago, bluecastle said:

I want to start by saying congratulations and bravo. To my eyes the takeaway of this thread is that you are an awesome woman and terrific mother who got involved with a man who was incapable of appreciating both those things.

Always hurts when something doesn't work out, but in this case it's very clear that this man—rude and boorish and incapable of appreciating the way other people live if it interrupts what he wants—was only going to bring a lot more hurt.

Curious: Have you talked with your daughter, just the two of you, about you dating, wanting  to date? With him out of the picture, it might be a good time.  

I have told her that I’m not looking for anyone right now but if I meet a nice man who will be kind to her and treat both of us well, she needs to let it happen. She will always be priority but she’s going to grow up and be independent one day, so I need companionship too. 

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13 hours ago, itsallgrand said:


I fell hard for him because he is hard working, confident, intelligent, can be caring and protective. He has a kind heart towards animals, nice home. Very good looking. But as time went on he became more critical and domineering especially about my parenting and daughter. He told me I should work longer hours because currently I mostly do school hours only to be there for my daughter. He says I pander to her and she is old enough to look after herself. Basically he says it’s her fathers turn to look after her so I can have an easier life and freedom and move in with him. My ex husband is not interested in being a fulltime dad and my daughter wants to be with me. She already struggles with anxiety and low self esteem from the divorce and hardly seeing her father. How would she feel being sent away especially with me choosing a boyfriend over her! I don’t know if his charming nature initially was a facade. Even now that I broke up with him, he’s being very nice and trying to rekindle the relationship. However I cannot see it ever working if he wants nothing to do with my daughter.

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11 hours ago, Tay79 said:

I have told her that I’m not looking for anyone right now but if I meet a nice man who will be kind to her and treat both of us well, she needs to let it happen. She will always be priority but she’s going to grow up and be independent one day, so I need companionship too. 

She may need to hear that nothing changes in your love for her and you'll always be her mother. Kids need to hear this to feel safe and like their world isn't changing or on the verge of change every time someone new appears. I'm sure she senses it but I'd also communicate that so she knows - nothing changes in your love for her and that you'll always be there for her. Teach her to embrace change even though your relationship with her is secure. 

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20 hours ago, smackie9 said:

He's at a different place in his life so it was a compatibility issue. He's finished raising kids, and thinking about retirement. You are still raising a child, more working years ahead of you. He gave the relationship a shot, like a lot of others that have posted on here in the past, going into it just to see if it can work without considering the obstacles. Obviously it didn't work, he gets frustrated, offers a solution without considering anyone's feelings but his. Him and his big fat ego can go out to the curb. You dodged a bullet.

Exactly! He even told me that my daughter ruined his relationship with me and is a little c**t!!

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3 minutes ago, Tay79 said:

Exactly! He even told me that my daughter ruined his relationship with me and is a little c**t!!

How awful. This is a person who is kind to animals - interesting -I guess he reserves his kindness quota for animals instead of children.

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4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

How awful. This is a person who is kind to animals - interesting -I guess he reserves his kindness quota for animals instead of children.

This is so true. I thought that myself.

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