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Don't have the courage to move out of my families toxic home... help


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Hi everyone I need your help or words or wisdom or encouragement a this time as I don't have the strength to move out of my parents home even though my gut/intuition is telling me that I need to. I'm 27, and during the pandemic I got furloughed from my job and had to move out of new york city (like many people) and back into my parents home in the suburbs. To 1. Start my own company 2. and or Find another job. For the past 2 years I was living off my own savings and I was and am extremely grateful that my parents kindly took me in for 2 years... In fact, they didn't mind at all because they always told me they enjoy having me here in the house and so come October it will have officially been two full years of living at home with them. 

Where they live, you need a car to get around and I currently now am running my business full time and also have been able to get my DREAM side job working remote from home now earning a decent income. The city where they live is expensive but because I've adapted to it quite well I would like to stay here but it's tough to afford renting with the income I'm currently earning. 

During these two years, I've gotten into several arguments, primarily with my father. It's been excrutiatingly tough to date infront of them, as a single girl, or do anything infront of them frankly.. shoot content infront of them and go out at whichever hrs of the night and day I want to (I work in fashion for context so It's important to me to go to certain events and network etc. and I could be doing more but I don't have a car so I constantly have to coordinate with them when to pick me or drop me off somewhere, most times I take an uber but when I need to save money i ask them to do me those favors). On top of that I live with my (very critical) father, who criticizes what I wear, what I say, and what i eat. 

One time, I was sewing a dress or modifying something at my desk while we were fighting and I happened to have scissors in my hands and he yells at me and goes in a threatening voice "WHAT!? ARE YOU GOING TO STAB ME WITH THOSE!!?" And I was in complete awe bc he proceeds to get in my face (and I swear on my goddamn life) I started shaking and crying because I realized in that moment he gets aggressive like this to bring out the worst in me or to make me do something worse. Today, I was making a cup of coffee in the kitchen at around 6pm and when he saw the amount of coffee I was putting in, he criticized (when he himself has about 2-3 cups of coffee a day) and proceeds to lecture me about it rudely and arrogantly. I left the kitchen and went to another room and he proceeded to follow me and yell at me and tell me that He's a father and he can say whatever he wants to me, I unfortunately cursed at him bc I got frustrated that he followed me and we live in a small home so whenever I want to escape a situation to collect my emotions, I CANT...

But you see, that's the problem. Every argument we get in, he ALWAYS uses that excuse. That because he's a father he will continue to parent and guide his kids but over the years he's become an insufferable micro manager and control freak and absolutely everything in my, or my brothers lives. I have compassion for both my parents because I too someday want to have children and I understand it's important to care for your children and be involved, but as I look back all my life he and my mother have been overbearing and overwhelmingly too much, and overtime he has progressively gotten worse and in an extremely toxic manner. There have also been several occassions where I've noticed he has more respect towards my siblings (both males) than me, the tone in which he speaks to them etc. And he's verbally put me down several times telling me I'm "retarded", what I do is "retarded" or that's "retarded"

Over the past few months, I've been collecting money in my savings to buy a condo/property of some sort since this area has increased post covid in value, and I've spent the last 4 hours crying because I feel absolutely stuck. If I rent, I absolutely can't afford to live here, and I don't want to be away from my mom. I feel like speaking to my boss to ask her to give me raise and maybe tell her my personal situation because I feel it's time to move out but I cannot afford to buy something yet as I'm 10k away from being able to pay a down payment on a home and also i would need a raise in order to afford renting so either way I'm stuck. 

Help. Has anyone gone through a similiar experience? I feel like a total baby at times because a lot of people external from my situation will tell me I'm SO lucky to live at home and save money on rent... etc etc but yet, I feel like it's at the expense of my mental health. It's not just 1 or 2 fights a month, I'm talking my father is absolutely disrespectful of my mental well being, time and overall happiness. If anyone has suggestions on what to do it'd be greatly appreciated ❤️  I'm completely heartbroken

PS Today after the coffee incident, my mother told him to come into my room to talk to me and he threatened that I owed him money and asked for his money, when I thought he was going to want to work things out. He never wants to talk about feelings so we never fully fix things in conversations, he interrupts me when I'm talking and he constantly gaslights me and calls me sensitive. I feel devasted

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Depending on where your head is currently at, you might find this beneficial, or it might not resonate at all. Read A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. There’s a sizeable section of the book dedicated to his thoughts on what he calls the pain body. Everyone has one and when it’s activated it seeks out more painful experiences. One person’s pain body waking up can soon result in Everyone’s pain body’s waking up and seeking fuel (aka, pain). You’re right to try and remove yourself from the situation but maybe you can be even more leveled up in this of the removal happens inside your head ‘ahhh, I see my dad’s pain body is awake and hungry. Ah, I can see mine is trying to wake up too’. By the very act of being able to witness this inside yourself you can reduce how big and important it feels. 
 

Outwardly just nod and agree. Eckhart’s expanding on the signature of one of the regular posters here ‘do you want to be right or do you want to be happy’.

 

And keep working towards that goal. 
 

And maybe feel out how much it would actually cost you to take a room in a local sharehouse. It’s good to have a sense of what plan b and plan c would look like if you ever had cause to action them. 

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2 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

Read A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. There’s a sizeable section of the book dedicated to his thoughts on what he calls the pain body. Everyone has one and when it’s activated it seeks out more painful experiences. One person’s pain body waking up can soon result in Everyone’s pain body’s waking up and seeking fuel (aka, pain). You’re right to try and remove yourself from the situation but maybe you can be even more leveled up in this of the removal happens inside your head ‘ahhh, I see my dad’s pain body is awake and hungry.

Thankyou so much for this, I really needed to hear this. I completely understand that I need to have patience and rationality in moments where I'm observation of another person wanting to pick a fight with me, and rentlentlessly so it's just so hard. It's easier said than done, but you're absolutely right in what I feel my intuition can sometimes feel that my dad's "pain body" is activated

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I would start looking at cheaper rentals, OP. 

Your boss may or may not give you a raise, and it wouldn't be the most professional to share this sort of family issue with your boss in any case. 

Yes, it would mean you need to put off buying something as expenses would be directed towards rent and bills. But I don't see what other reasonable alternative exists that wouldn't keep you stuck in a toxic household. 

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I’ve been in a similar situation. One of my parents has narcissistic personality disorder. The truth is she can’t really help herself it’s just childhood trauma and she’s been to therapy for years at this point.

Ive always felt like moving out would just be abandoning her. In my younger years I would get very caught up and felt like she had a lot of power over me. Now as an adult and her starting to be older and more vulnerable I realized that it was me all along was allowing her to get inside my head.

Thats her default mode, when you recognize this, you can detach yourself from persons behavior. You’ll probably eventually bump into another narc in your life, so better to conquer this one now, and leave on good terms rather then running away when your not financially ready to.

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I would lower your expectations and move into a cheaper place/share situation.  This isn't healthy. And this doesn't justify it but you keep very odd hours. 

You're making coffee at dinner time (yes some people have coffee after dinner I get it -apparently your family does not - and I make coffee and there's clean up involved - if you did clean up cool but if not it's more for your parents to do) - going out at odd hours, using up more than your own room for your business - so you need basically office space as well at their home - and yes some people are triggered by arguing with someone who is holding scissors and not in a downward position.  Yes he overreacted. 

I think the "favors" of chauffering you around have taken their toll also because typically those are paid for either by an employer -the rides -or you take a business deduction etc.  None of it justifies the overreaction but I'm pointing out things that might be triggering especially in a cumulative sense.  Your business is very atypical given where you live now and who you live with. 

I lived at home at age 27 because my parents let me live rent free while I went to grad school.  I often studied late into the night after they went to sleep but it was in my own room quietly with the door closed.  They actually were very cool with my boyfriend sleeping over etc.  My father had little patience/bad temper so I get it and it was scary to move out after grad school but wow what a feeling of freedom and independence!  I hope you experience the same.

Consider you've had it easy (other than their arguments/fighting/overreaction) the last few years and escaped covid I hope so consider that for the next 2 years you may have to budget more and live cheaply.  No I would not ask your boss for a raise.  I hope you can get the courage to move out soon.

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9 hours ago, electricorchid said:

he's verbally put me down several times telling me I'm "retarded", what I do is "retarded" or that's "retarded"

I've been collecting money in my savings to buy a condo/property of some sort

Staying there will be creating a trauma bond and you're going to get worse and worse like drowning in quicksand.

Forget the condo. Rent something right now. Take on more work. Even if it's delivering pizza or packing groceries.

Keep in mind many people your age do not have parents or parents that allow them to move back in and yet, they manage and so must you. Cut the cord.

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I don’t understand why you can’t move out and get a second or third job and still run your business. People work long hours to make things work and earn a living starting out.

Talk with your boss about a raise as well and discuss your improvements and what you bring to the company, not personal issues. Intuitively think also about what your boss needs more of and ask if you’re able to develop more of something that needs work. You’re an entrepreneur and a creative if you’re making things. Start thinking outside the box and find ways to move on. 

I might add abusive environments like this are paralyzingly and excessively tiring. You will be amazed at the tremendous amount of energy and focus you’ll have when not in one. 

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I think it's less about courage and more just about shifting your thinking a bit. You've come to get a bit too comfy relying on your folks to help subsidize your life and its not a reasonable expectation at your age anymore. It's nice they helped you out during Covid layoffs and lockdowns but that was an extraordinary circumstance. It's time to start paying it forward now, by first no longer asking any favors of them and relying just on you. This mindset too is skewing your judgement regarding thinking of asking for a raise based on needing more cash - bosses don't want to hear that, they are interested in the value you are bringing forward. It's just shifting to an attitude of no one owing you anything and not relying on favors from others. You'll be amazed how much a sense of control this will give you honestly. 

 

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6 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I don’t understand why you can’t move out and get a second or third job and still run your business. People work long hours to make things work and earn a living starting out.

This is very insensitive of you to say considering that IN my post I wrote and mentioned I run a business all by myself and work a full-time job as my second job. SO essentially I have two jobs, hope this makes more sense now 

I've lived in some of the most upscale cities in my life, I've work with top executives, Trust, that I know more than anyone what it's like to work long hours... NOTE: I work weekends and weekdays, I basically don't stop working even while I'm at my parents house. 

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8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Staying there will be creating a trauma bond and you're going to get worse and worse like drowning in quicksand.

Forget the condo. Rent something right now. Take on more work.

This is my fear, so thankyou wiseman for encouraging me to take on more opportunities... this is defenitely the plan! I've been killing it at my corporate job and have been doing well, the things is, is it it's a sale job so it will take more time, the question I also fear is HOW much time can I honestly wait... 😞

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5 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

I think it's less about courage and more just about shifting your thinking a bit. You've come to get a bit too comfy relying on your folks to help subsidize your life and its not a reasonable expectation at your age anymore. It's nice they helped you out during Covid layoffs and lockdowns but that was an extraordinary circumstance. It's time to start paying it forward now

 

Absolutely, I appreciate you pointing this out as I think I too have gotten to comfortable with them subsidizing my lifestyle or life etc. so it's almost like I admit that my subconcious is used to it so I've been willing to take the emotional abuse temporarily just to be able to keep going by the end of the year, & I want all of you to know I was on my own in a luxury apartment for 5 years before moving in with them, so work ethic is unmatched and I know I can do it again, It's just that If you understand how much the rent was going up here in this are it is unreal and insane which is why I can't pull the plug and It sucks because as I said before, even though I'm having issues with my father.. I'm quite close to my mom now and I don't want to leave this area PLUS I also don't have a car.... ahhhh

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I understand that you work two jobs but one of them seems to require a lot of traveling -on your own dime -to networking events -so why were you asking your parents to help you and drive you if as you say you can afford it since you work 2 jobs. 

And you also want to ask your boss for a raise because of your financial issues - so sounds like you are working long hours because you're trying to build a business which means less income coming in and the other job is commission based.  So despite the long hours it doesn't add up to income.  That is why Rose's suggestion makes sense -you need $ to fund the business you're starting (meaning without the free rent and the free rides to networking events) so maybe a third job might be in order if your priority is to keep putting time and $ into your own business. 

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15 hours ago, electricorchid said:

I'm quite close to my mom now and I don't want to leave this area PLUS I also don't have a car.... ahhhh

I gather rentals in this area are above your budget? 

You may have to compromise and rent in a cheaper neighbouring area, for the sake of your own sanity (ie. not continuing to live with your parents) 

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