Half sibling situation

[kim42]

Hi everyone, the situation below bothers me, and I am looking to vent.

So I have a half sibling that I never met, a little older than me. I know about their existence, but we have never been in touch, and I have no desire to talk or meet with him (I have personal reasons for keeping my distance).

This half sibling has reached out to me several times in the last couple of months, he even somehow found out my email address and sent me an email with some family pictures. I didn’t like this as it felt invasive. He thinks that I don’t know about him.

I am quite surprised that he is trying so hard to get in touch as he has not been speaking with my parent for many years.

I didn’t reply to any of these attempts to communicate, and I hope he will eventually understand that I don’t want any contact with him.

I am not looking for any advice, as I said I just need to vent, we don’t really talk about this in my family and this thing is making me uncomfortable.

Please don’t judge me because of how I feel about this – the first marriage of one of my parents has caused a lot of trouble in my family, and I had to grow up with this.

Thank you for reading.

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry kim42.

Even though you're not seeking advice, if it were me, I'd at least give your half sibling the courtesy of kind, respectful, civil and peaceful rejection.  Tell him the plain truth. 

Write:  "With all due respect, I have no desire nor interest in having a half sibling - family relationship with you.  Please respect my wishes by not contacting me in the future.  Thank you."  Something like that is courteous yet firm. 

If he doesn't honor your request, ghost, block and delete him. 

[kim42]

Thank you Cherylyn, me saying that I'm not looking for any advice probably didn't come out right - I'm sorry, I can't even write down my thoughts properly. 

I was thinking about the respectful rejection thing, but I kind of feel he might not respect my decision and he might keep pushing me to talk to him, and I just don't want any of that at the moment. 

[whitesand3]

You say he doesn't know that you know of his existence, this is probably why he is reaching out multiple times? He also has no way of confirming you're getting his messages, since you've not said anything. 

It's totally up to you, but I agree with Cherylyn. It would be wise just to send a message confirming receipt and stating that you don't want to be in communication. At least if he continues after this and you decide to block him, he is aware as to why. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

This half sibling has reached out to me several times in the last couple of months, he even somehow found out my email address and sent me an email with some family pictures.

He may be completely different than your parent and their first spouse. Don't take on generational pain.

You weren't even there, also had no choice in the matter. He may be a wonderful person. He did not ask to be born into this situation. You are taking on toxicity from a parent and passing it to someone, who did you no wrong..

This is not unique. Many people are finding unknown relatives through at home DNA testing.

Carrying this family feud along seems to be a way to be angry for no reason. He's not asking for a kidney or money, just trying to connect.

He is not wrong to attempt to contact you. However you're upset about it for whatever reason, so that is your prerogative. 

[kim42]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He may be completely different than your parent and their first spouse. Don't take on generational pain.

You weren't even there, also had no choice in the matter. He may be a wonder person. He did not ask to be born into this situation. You are taking on toxicity from a parent and passing it to someone, who did you no wrong..

This is not unique. Many people are finding unknown relatives through at home DNA testing. Carrying this family feud along seems to be a way to be angry for no reason.

I'm not saying he's a bad person, I just don't want to be in contact with him. 

[Seraphim]

If you want people to leave you alone you need to tell them. Just a reminder though if you ever are ready he may be done and not interested . What you could say is you are not interested now but could  be with time and you would contact him but say I am not looking for contact right now . 

[bluecastle]

10 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I'm not saying he's a bad person, I just don't want to be in contact with him. 

With this being the case, I would do what Cherylyn or Seraphim suggested, depending on your own feelings about it all. If he continues to reach out, then you can resume what you're doing now—not responding until he stops trying, but it will be with a firmer boundary set in place.

Sorry for the all the complications. I have a half-sibling myself who I don't really know, though some day I do hope we're both in the right life place to say what's up.  

[kim42]

18 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

With this being the case, I would do what Cherylyn or Seraphim suggested, depending on your own feelings about it all. If he continues to reach out, then you can resume what you're doing now—not responding until he stops trying, but it will be with a firmer boundary set in place.

Sorry for the all the complications. I have a half-sibling myself who I don't really know, though some day I do hope we're both in the right life place to say what's up.  

Thank you, Blue, for your kind words.

[Seraphim]

I have two step brothers I don’t really have much to do with because well, one his wife is a biatch and makes things impossible. The other no one has talked to in 27 years because he doesn’t want to talk to anyone not even his own bio siblings. Truthfully, good riddance he hurt his dad for no reason. 
 

My step sister I don’t mind. 
 

My biological brother and I have a good relationship but unfortunately due to work and our own family obligations and distance don’t see each other enough. 😓

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

If you want people to leave you alone you need to tell them. Just a reminder though if you ever are ready he may be done and not interested . What you could say is you are not interested now but could  be with time and you would contact him but say I am not looking for contact right now . 

This is a great way to split your options down the middle. It halts his contact even while it puts you in control of whether you might possibly change your mind someday. 

Either way, it gives you control without a need to be hostile.

[Rose Mosse]

Since you have never been in touch, I don't see any reason to start. It would be a different matter if you grew up with this person or had been friendly in the past. Telling him you want no contact is counterproductive because you have had no prior contact.

You do not owe him any response at all. Block his contact or email and be free of these messages. He'll get the hint.. on his own time. 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

This half sibling has reached out to me several times in the last couple of months, he even somehow found out my email address and sent me an email with some family pictures. I didn’t like this as it felt invasive. He thinks that I don’t know about him.

No need to respond. If something you know about him creeps you out just put the emails in a spam/separate folder. If you respond or make 'maybe later' promises, it doesn't accomplish what you wish which is to not have him in your life.

[Kwothe28]

I am for a message option also. This person went into a lot of trouble(even went overboard) to at least make a contact with you and maybe create and mend some things. That effort, for all we know, doesnt come from a bad place. I dont blame you for not wanting anything there, that is your own personal choice. But at least be honest and say that to them instead of just ignoring it. Ignoring it would be an easy option. But it would also be more heartless one. At least explain that you know about them but that you dont want family relationship with them. After that, yes, you can block. 

[Cherylyn]

19 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am for a message option also. This person went into a lot of trouble(even went overboard) to at least make a contact with you and maybe create and mend some things. That effort, for all we know, doesnt come from a bad place. I dont blame you for not wanting anything there, that is your own personal choice. But at least be honest and say that to them instead of just ignoring it. Ignoring it would be an easy option. But it would also be more heartless one. At least explain that you know about them but that you dont want family relationship with them. After that, yes, you can block. 

I agree with having classy grace.  No can still mean no without being so cold. 

In the past, it was 'easier' for me to ignore.  As years pass by, I've since shifted my way of thinking.

I've been ghosted, ignored, rejected, felt unkindness, felt uninvited, felt unloved, excluded, left out.  I lean towards empathy nowadays.  Place yourself in other people's shoes and how would you feel? 

[kim42]

29 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I agree with having classy grace.  No can still mean no without being so cold. 

In the past, it was 'easier' for me to ignore.  As years pass by, I've since shifted my way of thinking.

I've been ghosted, ignored, rejected, felt unkindness, felt uninvited, felt unloved, excluded, left out.  I lean towards empathy nowadays.  Place yourself in other people's shoes and how would you feel? 

If i were him, I would probably accept by now that there is no reply and I should let it go.

I deleted that email, and I also blocked him on this social media platform so he cannot stalk me anymore.

Thank you everyone for your help - I finally have some sort of balance in my life, and I don't need additional stress in my life. 

[Rose Mosse]

5 minutes ago, kim42 said:

If i were him, I would probably accept by now that there is no reply and I should let it go.

I deleted that email, and I also blocked him on this social media platform so he cannot stalk me anymore.

Thank you everyone for your help - I finally have some sort of balance in my life, and I don't need additional stress in my life. 

Good to hear this, Kim. Do what's right for you and if it means blocking him for peace of mind, so be it. I agree with you that it's not worth the added back and forth if you've never spoken or had any relationship.

[Seraphim]

I hope you are always happy with this decision. Never is a long time . 

[Cherylyn]

22 hours ago, kim42 said:

If i were him, I would probably accept by now that there is no reply and I should let it go.

I deleted that email, and I also blocked him on this social media platform so he cannot stalk me anymore.

Thank you everyone for your help - I finally have some sort of balance in my life, and I don't need additional stress in my life. 

Depending on the situation,  in some instances, I too have taken the passive aggressive route.  It is highly effective.  My mother, sister and cousin have done the same.  Do whatever works. 

In other cases, I place myself in other people's shoes and treat them the way I would've wanted to be treated IMHO but this is just me and not you nor anyone else.