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He made me angry and upset, and now hasn't spoken to me in two days, should I reach out?


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My boyfriend and I had an argument over something he did that really hurt me.

He was at the gym when I called him about it, I didn't know he was at the gym till he picked up. But I went off on the phone, and then cut it because I was really upset. 

It's been 2 days, and he hasn't reached out at all.

I would've reached out if I had been the one to upset or hurt him, but that wasn't the case. 

I don't want my ego to get in the way, but I also feel I'm always the one chasing him. This is the first time we have gone this long without talking in a long time.

I don't want to make things between me and him worse, I was going to wait till he reaches out to me.. but now I'm not sure if I should just reach out myself.

I was going to say something like this- 

"Hey, you okay? I'm not sure why you haven't spoken to me in two days, this has been hurtful. But know, I love you. "

Or should I just wait for him to reach out. My anxiety is acting up over this situation. 😣

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5 minutes ago, whitesand3 said:

My boyfriend and I had an argument over something he did that really hurt me.

I also feel I'm always the one chasing him.

What was the argument about? What did he do? Let the dust settle. It's best to cool off and let him come to you. Stop doing the chasing. 

Keep in mind going off on someone over the phone won't help matter. However why apologize for whatever He did that hurt you?

Is this the same man?:

 

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Yes it's the same man. 

I'll try my best to  keep it short- I commented on a photo of his on Instagram, with an fire emoji (he looked really good and I just felt like commenting). In the past couple months, he had deleted one of my comments before of me saying "my love ❤" underneath it,  telling me he wanted to keep the relationship private. But that I could comment anything else, as long as it wasn't obvious we are in a relationship. 

I know how this sounds to anyone reading this, there's a lot more to it, and reasons why he doesn't want people on social media to know. But with him having cheated in the past it's hard not to think that's what's going on. I cheated on him earlier this year and confessed to him a few weeks ago, a whole *** show I know, but I just want advice on this specific thing and not our relationship as a whole, because there's a lot more going on that I haven't expressed here. 

Anyways, a couple days ago he restricted my Instagram account. So it seemed to me like my comment was still there, but in fact only him and I could see it. I noticed this because I have another fitness account.  So I switched at him. Because I didn't comment in a way that made it obvious we were in a relationship, like he said. But he still deleted my comment. And I feel he is hiding me from someone, but I don't know who.

Should I still wait for him to reach out? I don't want to make things worse by continuing this silence between us. 

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16 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

It will be difficult to advice you on the specific incident without taking into consideration the relationship as a whole.  But, if you need an answer, no!  Do not reach out to him.

Do you not believe you deserve better than this?

Ahh😣 I gave in and messaged him a couple hours ago.. he's not responded. I feel like an idiot. I feel he think he has one up on me because of me confessing to him cheating.. although I am certain he was cheating himself, and possibly still is. He refuses to show me his phone. And tells me I should just trust him. Difference is, I'm willing to be transparent with him. 

 

But from when I had cheated to now, I don't trust myself while I think he is cheating, and can't seem to prove it by being transparent with his phone. It's not fair that I should be loyal to him while it seems obvious he isn't to me. Sorry I'm ranting. I've been overthinking for hours today and can't seem to stop.  He protects it with his life.. but he still expects me to trust him, and me asking to see his phone is controlling. 

I've tried to leave multiple times, but for some reason feel worse when I do, and start feeling extremely anxious and suicidal. Which is what I keep trying to avoid feeling. It scares me. I don't know why, but I keep feeling like I can't be with anyone else, even if I try to, it's always him I want in the end. 

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7 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Given your past posts, it sounds as though you're willing to put up with anything just to keep this guy. 

And he knows it. 

So now you're even willing to apologize just to confirm that.

So it really doesn't matter what you do, his respect for you is already out the window. 

You're willing to adjust your social media posts to stay hidden from his current or potential other girlfriends, so why bother squawking at him when you're willing to put up with anything just to keep him?

I'm sad for you, but you'll overlook anything and do whatever you want, anyway.

Sorry to hear that.

You're not wrong in what you're saying..

When speaking to him and hearing his justifications for things, even if I don't believe it deep down, I seem to give him the benefit of the doubt. And question my own thoughts. Like, what if everything he is saying is true, and he's actually being loyal now. Although I know it sounds stupid given everything else, but I can't help but feel like I'll regret everything if what he is saying is in fact true. 

I don't know if I'm making any sense.. 

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20 minutes ago, whitesand3 said:

It's not fair that I should be loyal to him while it seems obvious he isn't to me. Sorry I'm ranting. I've been overthinking for hours today and can't seem to stop.  He protects it with his life.. but he still expects me to trust him, and me asking to see his phone is controlling. 

I've tried to leave multiple times, but for some reason feel worse when I do, and start feeling extremely anxious and suicidal. Which is what I keep trying to avoid feeling. It scares me. I don't know why, but I keep feeling like I can't be with anyone else, even if I try to, it's always him I want in the end. 

Try diverting that energy to other things. When you feel that anxious or panicky feeling, you'll have to know how to temper that and move to other things you're working on, not pander to it or give in. That kind of worry and panic will keep you trapped in terrible relationships like this. Take better care of yourself. The thing is it starts with you, being good to yourself. Only then will you accept better treatment of others and the way others treat you.

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17 minutes ago, whitesand3 said:

I can't help but feel like I'll regret everything if what he is saying is in fact true. 

Unfortunately, this will never be the outcome.

Not sure if you want a good marriage and children in your future, and not sure of your age, but would it be reasonable to question why you'd want to waste your best fertility years or potential mate selection time on a guy who dismisses you and goes off to do what-and WHO-ever he wants?

My heart goes out to you, and I hope you'll consider adopting some self respect, honey.

We're here for you, write more if it helps.

 

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42 minutes ago, whitesand3 said:

I gave in and messaged him a couple hours ago.

Take a moment to think about what motivated you to text him. Was it love? Or was it fear, anxiety, and need to feel better than you felt before? If it's the latter, in any shade, note how you feel right now: not good, even worse.

Putting aside all the specifics here, which is admittedly next to impossible, that right there should tell you something important: this is a person who causes you pain. If I cut my hand while chopping vegetables I don't treat the would by pressing the knife further into the cut; I get a bandaid. The same rules apply to feelings.

Per the context of the fight? You know as well as I know that a fire emoji is, in essence, the sexified version of "my love ❤." So you can say your motivation for commenting was because he looked good and you felt like it, but I think that's you being dishonest with yourself. Seems to me the motivation for the comment was similar to the motivation in the text you just sent him—to quell anxiety, test waters, and stay tethered to this addiction, with very similar results.  

I totally feel for you. Along the way I've been twisted upside down and inside out, and know I've done plenty of twisting myself. But there comes a point where you have to see that a knot does not get any looser by pulling the strings tighter. Maybe this is that point for you, or the beginning of it. 

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9 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Take a moment to think about what motivated you to text him. Was it love? Or was it fear, anxiety, and need to feel better than you felt before? If it's the latter, in any shade, note how you feel right now: not good, even worse.

Putting aside all the specifics here, which is admittedly next to impossible, that right there should tell you something important: this is a person who causes you pain. If I cut my hand while chopping vegetables I don't treat the would by pressing the knife further into the cut; I get a bandaid. The same rules apply to feelings.

Per the context of the fight? You know as well as I know that a fire emoji is, in essence, the sexified version of "my love ❤." So you can say your motivation for commenting was because he looked good and you felt like it, but I think that's you being dishonest with yourself. Seems to me the motivation for the comment was similar to the motivation in the text you just sent him—to quell anxiety, test waters, and stay tethered to this addiction, with very similar results.  

I totally feel for you. Along the way I've been twisted upside down and inside out, and know I've done plenty of twisting myself. But there comes a point where you have to see that a knot does not get any looser by pulling the strings tighter. Maybe this is that point for you, or the beginning of it. 

I'm honestly not sure of the motivation. I just felt I didn't want to make things worse between me and him. I want things to be spoken about, I hate feeling like we're giving eachother the silent treatment. And I feel sufficient time has passed where emotions of anger and all aren't as heightened. Silence is not how I want to navigate disagreements in a relationship, I guess that's why I reached out?

With the comment, I don't really agree that that was my intention behind the comment. Me commenting a fire emoji, is honestly like any other girl that comments on his photo. If someone were to see that, they would not think me and him are in a relationship, because other girls comment the same way? I didn't think he would delete it this time, so it took me by surprise.

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44 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Unfortunately, this will never be the outcome.

Not sure if you want a good marriage and children in your future, and not sure of your age, but would it be reasonable to question why you'd want to waste your best fertility years or potential mate selection time on a guy who dismisses you and goes off to do what-and WHO-ever he wants?

My heart goes out to you, and I hope you'll consider adopting some self respect, honey.

We're here for you, write more if it helps.

 

I'm 26, I've always told him I want a child  by the age of 30, and so would want to get married within the next couple years, ideally. Of course, given everything going on right now, this doesn't seem to be likely. 

I don't know what's wrong with me honestly.. I keep feeling like I'll never be able to get over him. And even if there's other men that could treat me better, they just won't be him. I don't know how to explain how I feel about him. He feels irreplaceable and is family to me. I can't imagine my life without him. 

I dated someone 2 years ago, that treated me great, while me and him had broken up for a few months, but even still I went back to him. I don't know how to explain it.. I've always felt he is the one. And now can't get myself to think differently. 

 

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56 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Try diverting that energy to other things. When you feel that anxious or panicky feeling, you'll have to know how to temper that and move to other things you're working on, not pander to it or give in. That kind of worry and panic will keep you trapped in terrible relationships like this. Take better care of yourself. The thing is it starts with you, being good to yourself. Only then will you accept better treatment of others and the way others treat you.

You are right. I tend to give in to my feelings a lot and it only makes it worse. I am going to try diverting my energy, and maybe not thinking about this situation constantly. 

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4 hours ago, whitesand3 said:

My boyfriend and I had an argument over something he did that really hurt me.

He was at the gym when I called him about it, I didn't know he was at the gym till he picked up. But I went off on the phone, and then cut it because I was really upset. 

It's been 2 days, and he hasn't reached out at all.

I would've reached out if I had been the one to upset or hurt him, but that wasn't the case. 

First off, there was something HE did that hurt you, which started all of this.

Second, you had no idea where he was when you called him - and he could have just explained that was NOT the right time or place to talk... then called you later.

- Communication issue's?

4 hours ago, whitesand3 said:

he had deleted one of my comments before of me saying "my love ❤" underneath it,  telling me he wanted to keep the relationship private. But that I could comment anything else, as long as it wasn't obvious we are in a relationship. 

- Red flag 😕 

 

 

4 hours ago, whitesand3 said:

I was going to say something like this- 

"Hey, you okay? I'm not sure why you haven't spoken to me in two days, this has been hurtful. But know, I love you. "

No, you don't do this.. He knows exactly how long he's been quiet with you.  No need to chase or beg for him to respond to you.

What's not good is this is a poor way of communication between you two.

He's steaming for some reason by sounds of it and just needs 'his time' maybe to sort his thoughts out.  Then leave him to it.

 

As for this silence between you two- I feel there's a whole lot more going on - and none of it sounds healthy 😕 .  ( like trust issue's & communication.  IF someone is truly happy & into you they would not keep deleting comments from their 'special person'...right?

How about you sit back & Look at the whole picture.

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6 minutes ago, whitesand3 said:

He feels irreplaceable and is family to me.

What is your relationship like with your family? Is it calm, warm, loving? Or is it contentious, dramatic, conflict-driven? Do you feel love comes from your parents without condition, or that it is something you have to work for, suffer for? 

Asking to try to understand how his behavior—cheating, silent treatment, rendering you invisible—is equated with family.

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6 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

First off, there was something HE did that hurt you, which started all of this.

Second, you had no idea where he was when you called him - and he could have just explained that was NOT the right time or place to talk... then called you later.

- Communication issue's?

- Red flag 😕 

 

 

No, you don't do this.. He knows exactly how long he's been quiet with you.  No need to chase or beg for him to respond to you.

What's not good is this is a poor way of communication between you two.

He's steaming for some reason by sounds of it and just needs 'his time' maybe to sort his thoughts out.  Then leave him to it.

 

As for this silence between you two- I feel there's a whole lot more going on - and none of it sounds healthy 😕 .  ( like trust issue's & communication.  IF someone is truly happy & into you they would not keep deleting comments from their 'special person'...right?

How about you sit back & Look at the whole picture.

 

His sister was speaking to me today and she said that maybe he's not speaking to me because of me cheating on him. As I only told him a few weeks ago, and he handled it way better than I thought, but he had said a week ago that it hadn't sunk in properly yet. Maybe this is why? 😕

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3 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

What is your relationship like with your family? Is it calm, warm, loving? Or is it contentious, dramatic, conflict-driven? Do you feel love comes from your parents without condition, or that it is something you have to work for, suffer for? 

Asking to try to understand how his behavior—cheating, silent treatment, rendering you invisible—is equated with family.

Hmmm, I think I have a good relationship with my family. They care for me a lot, and would do just about anything for me. 

I feel they love me unconditionally but I guess they give me the cold shoulder when I don't reach up to their expectations, in terms of education and career, or if I don't live my life the way they want me to. By that I mean, they weren't okay with me dating my boyfriend from when I was a teenager, they don't approve of the whole dating concept. So over the years I've felt the need to hide things, and have felt a lot of pressure to succeed. 

 

I'm not sure if this answers your question.

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32 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

I hope you'll be ready to open your eyes soon. Best of luck to you.

I hope you give JoyfulCompany's entire post a few slow reads. 

Reading it prompted me to peek at your posting history, which documents more or less what's documented here for years and years and years. That's not how it has to be, and I hope you can come to see that. 

What you wrote about your parents is, to me, informative. They were strict with you when it came to dating, don't approve of this boyfriend, which is probably part of your bond with him. In rejecting your parents you get—or once got—the sense of independence that everyone is hardwired to seek, and after so much time all sorts of emotional meaning has likely been placed on him, on you two. But there comes a time when all that becomes a story, kind of like someone refusing to sell the first car they purchased even though it breaks down far more than it reaches the intended destination.  

Another thing to think about: Most relationships will always fall back on the foundation that was built in the early days, which is to say that you two, despite now being 26, relate to each other much more like teenagers than adults: fire emojis, heart emojis, social media, silent treatment, impulsive yelling, and so on. That's where you were at 21, a few sneezes out of adolescence, and that's where you are today, where 30 will find you in what will feel like a few more sneezes. So ask yourself: Do you want to continue to grow into all that, or do you want to grow out of it? 

The tenor of your writing tells me that you have grown and matured a lot over the years, which is a beautiful thing, but I can't help but think that growth is stunted if in your relationship you have to revert back to the sandbox to "connect." A few hours or days from now your two will be texting, but I hope you give yourself some time to ask some bigger questions.

 

 

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Relationships like this eventually crash directly into a brick wall, OP. 

I think that's where you two are. It's not just this specific incident, which cannot be isolated from your relationship as a whole. These problems are all interconnected and have created a total whirlpool of chaos. 

My sense is that you are looking at the beginning of the end with him. He's kept you a secret. You've cheated. It's done. And it's going to be for the best. You two have run your course. 

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Consider doing some research on grief, and specifically the 5 stages that were originally applied to death and dying, but are now used by contemporary therapists in aiding all forms of grief and recovery. 

It's natural to grieve the loss of ANY relationship, more so a long term partnership. 

I say this to stress that there is nobody implying that moving forward from this guy would or should be easy and without pain. 

I realize that by promoting what can ultimately turn out to be a blessing for the trajectory of your future by breaking from this BF we might sound as though we can't appreciate the pain you would suffer in the interim.

I can, however, assure you that it would be worth it, and you will thank yourself looking back from a place of higher ground, self respect and a newfound confidence in your resilience. 

I hope you'll consider this and start reaching out to your family who love you and would likely support you in making such a change. 

And of course, there's always us. (((Wave!)))

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15 hours ago, whitesand3 said:

I've tried to leave multiple times, but for some reason feel worse when I do, and start feeling extremely anxious and suicidal. Which is what I keep trying to avoid feeling. It scares me. I don't know why, but I keep feeling like I can't be with anyone else, even if I try to, it's always him I want in the end. 

It's normally to feel really awful when a relationship ends, but with time you feel better.  You have had lots of times in your life when you've felt extremely anxious etc and you got over them, right?  This is no different.

As for you "can't" be with anyone else, you know that's not true.  You can be with whomever you wish, but it's a choice whether or not you do.  Having been in a relationship with someone who regularly made me feel anxious and depressed, it was only by leaving him that I realised how much better I felt without him.  You will too.

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Breakups, cheating, snooping through phones and a lot of drama for a 25 y/o. You claim you can't end it because you get suicidal and depressed.

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the anxiety suicidal ideation and depression. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

It's hard to know if the chaotic dramatic erratic nature of your relationships is a result of or a cause of your untreated mental health issues.

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